8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
March 9, 2011
March 7, 2011
hiding places
7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
March 5, 2011
deleted content
i just deleted those Beg thoughts -posts. all of them, and i don't plan posting the rest either. there were some of my thoughts in them too, but i will propably post them again some time without remembering, so it doesn't matter.
had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)
well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.
had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)
well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.
March 4, 2011
behind empty eyes
28.2. the last day of this long and depressive month. today i went up. fast. it's not so good when it goes this fast. the depressive thoughts were replaced with aggressive ones and people started to go on my nerves out in the city. tomorrow i'm going to the local clubhouse for other sick people. I DON'T WANT TO. i get strong repulsive feelings about it, and i hate to be forced to wake up at 5:30AM. this cannot be the solution for a longer period. guess i'm only doing it for this year, and try to find something else later. there are other groups and sort of elsewhere, gotta find out about them. i'd even go to that 'only working' -kind of place. stupid, i don't know how these things are called in english and I STILL DON'T HAVE a dictionary.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
February 23, 2011
introducing my religion
22.2. this time i'd like to introduce MY RELIGION. i got this idea while posting the last one with those pics. well, then i noticed i had got a bug here. someone obsessed with christian shit. cause, in real, christianity is nothing but pure shit. it almost killed me last fall. i still like gospel songs, i like to sing them too, but their message mean nothing to me. it's all just fiction. christian religion is a status symbol to most of those "so serious" believers. it means nothing. they just use it to get material goods, to show off, or to abuse weaker people.
well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.
i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.
well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o
i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.
he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.
23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.
well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.
i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.
well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o
i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.
he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.
23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.
February 22, 2011
new pics, random chitchat
19.2. ok here they come. finally, after noticing i just don't have the energy and right ideas to "decorate" these pics i'll post them without any artistic clutter. i still feel awful, kinda sad and tired, i don't feel anything really. not even pain. get hungry, eat, but with no appetite.
today i was in Leppävaara, library, spent about two and half hours in internet doing random stuff. should have looked for a game called Minecraft but forgot it, and then the library was closed. uploaded two videos in Youtube. the first two parts of 8 Bavarian Forest Xmas 2010 vids. you might be able to find them with that title, and those who know my new email address should find it easily. i haven't really been active there in a long time. maybe when i have my own internet at home. hope to get it soon, and WITHOUT extra 300 euro cost. that's TOTALLY UNFAIR. i pay my fucking bills in time, if my account is empty i always have some cash left, i never go totally broke and i'm ready to hunger if needed.
after library i went shopping. tomorrow i cook sausage soup. with a lot of veggies. it's delicious! maybe that will cheer me up a little. and i was || so close of buying something to read that i don't actually need right now. still haven't read the previous one to end. i'll force myself to finish it before getting a new number. :P the previous was bought in December, i don't know how often it comes in a year. it's the last magazine i bought.. O.o the others are all being paid by other people (A LOT OF THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, you know who you are). well, and this one also costs more than average.. :P it's been like this for years: when i find something interesting it's always one of the most expensive goods. close to the upper limit of what i can ever afford.
to the photos. they are a bit grainy cause even the paper lamp didn't give enough light. if you view them in "full size", and that's already reduced from the natural size. first is the second best:
second is the best of that row. my hands were shaking less than usually, but without enough light this is about the best result to get when not using tripod and remote control. O.o
as third i finally accepted this one. a close-up of the front parts. it was taken by leaning the cam against the lamp to keep it from shaking. point of view is not satisfying. a pillow is not, well, hard enough to be leaned against. it looks like it'd be taken without thinking, but indeed this was the best of 4 pics of the same position. i personally don't like this position much but i need this kind of photos.. i explain that further..
yeah, that's it. pics taken from the side are important and i'm trying to get a fitting one for the tattoo design. yes i want a P90-tattoo. :) i'm not sure 'bout the colors. maybe petrol green and black, or petrol blue and black, or just black with shades of grey. i've been thinking 'bout this for YEARS. trying to find a way to bring most of it to one picture, but in a way it's still light and not too dominating. i already have one tattoo on my right leg, and this one should come to the left leg. i'm not yet sure how. i've got a good idea but still no clue how to create that image. needs a lot of work with GIMP and i'm still not very familiar with it. and i don't know if it were better vertically or horizontally. impossible to say from where i'm looking at my leg. :P so i'd also need help from a tattoo artist. they have a better eye for such things.
also, i'd need a repairing tattoo for the old pic, cause it has THE WORST SIN and that should be hidden. :P i'd need something, well, flowing around my ankle. a sort of dark liquid were nice. it could have something like vertical waves surrounding the old pic.
ok i know most people in my family are quite against tattoos. they don't understand. and some, like mom, would go crazy if they knew i had a tattoo of a gun like Seed. she doesn't like that harmless comic figure either. :P well, at the moment nobody of my biologic family knows about Seed.. if dad comes here soon i might show it to him. u know, i'm not always in control of what i do.. O.o but i just DON'T WANT to move the box anywhere else than where it's now, and every-freakin-body who goes past my bed and looks to the lower part of my bookshelf sees it. it's laying there. and it's not even needed to look down there: the user manual is laying in the shelf in a very good visible place. ;) i like to have it in sight u know.
well i quit here for today. did not write a lot fiction either. my butt is hurting from too much sitting on this hard chair, and my back too. :P go to my room and read. could eat something before that. energy drink makes me hungry. :P
P.S. if you wonder what is the background for those photos of Seed it's a pillow with the bedding of Vallila, name is Kelohonka (that means "dead tree" :P) and i guess it's still available. colors black (tree), white and purple. it looks great.
today i was in Leppävaara, library, spent about two and half hours in internet doing random stuff. should have looked for a game called Minecraft but forgot it, and then the library was closed. uploaded two videos in Youtube. the first two parts of 8 Bavarian Forest Xmas 2010 vids. you might be able to find them with that title, and those who know my new email address should find it easily. i haven't really been active there in a long time. maybe when i have my own internet at home. hope to get it soon, and WITHOUT extra 300 euro cost. that's TOTALLY UNFAIR. i pay my fucking bills in time, if my account is empty i always have some cash left, i never go totally broke and i'm ready to hunger if needed.
after library i went shopping. tomorrow i cook sausage soup. with a lot of veggies. it's delicious! maybe that will cheer me up a little. and i was || so close of buying something to read that i don't actually need right now. still haven't read the previous one to end. i'll force myself to finish it before getting a new number. :P the previous was bought in December, i don't know how often it comes in a year. it's the last magazine i bought.. O.o the others are all being paid by other people (A LOT OF THANKS TO ALL OF YOU, you know who you are). well, and this one also costs more than average.. :P it's been like this for years: when i find something interesting it's always one of the most expensive goods. close to the upper limit of what i can ever afford.
to the photos. they are a bit grainy cause even the paper lamp didn't give enough light. if you view them in "full size", and that's already reduced from the natural size. first is the second best:
second is the best of that row. my hands were shaking less than usually, but without enough light this is about the best result to get when not using tripod and remote control. O.o
as third i finally accepted this one. a close-up of the front parts. it was taken by leaning the cam against the lamp to keep it from shaking. point of view is not satisfying. a pillow is not, well, hard enough to be leaned against. it looks like it'd be taken without thinking, but indeed this was the best of 4 pics of the same position. i personally don't like this position much but i need this kind of photos.. i explain that further..
yeah, that's it. pics taken from the side are important and i'm trying to get a fitting one for the tattoo design. yes i want a P90-tattoo. :) i'm not sure 'bout the colors. maybe petrol green and black, or petrol blue and black, or just black with shades of grey. i've been thinking 'bout this for YEARS. trying to find a way to bring most of it to one picture, but in a way it's still light and not too dominating. i already have one tattoo on my right leg, and this one should come to the left leg. i'm not yet sure how. i've got a good idea but still no clue how to create that image. needs a lot of work with GIMP and i'm still not very familiar with it. and i don't know if it were better vertically or horizontally. impossible to say from where i'm looking at my leg. :P so i'd also need help from a tattoo artist. they have a better eye for such things.
also, i'd need a repairing tattoo for the old pic, cause it has THE WORST SIN and that should be hidden. :P i'd need something, well, flowing around my ankle. a sort of dark liquid were nice. it could have something like vertical waves surrounding the old pic.
ok i know most people in my family are quite against tattoos. they don't understand. and some, like mom, would go crazy if they knew i had a tattoo of a gun like Seed. she doesn't like that harmless comic figure either. :P well, at the moment nobody of my biologic family knows about Seed.. if dad comes here soon i might show it to him. u know, i'm not always in control of what i do.. O.o but i just DON'T WANT to move the box anywhere else than where it's now, and every-freakin-body who goes past my bed and looks to the lower part of my bookshelf sees it. it's laying there. and it's not even needed to look down there: the user manual is laying in the shelf in a very good visible place. ;) i like to have it in sight u know.
well i quit here for today. did not write a lot fiction either. my butt is hurting from too much sitting on this hard chair, and my back too. :P go to my room and read. could eat something before that. energy drink makes me hungry. :P
P.S. if you wonder what is the background for those photos of Seed it's a pillow with the bedding of Vallila, name is Kelohonka (that means "dead tree" :P) and i guess it's still available. colors black (tree), white and purple. it looks great.
February 19, 2011
nightmares, continued
16.2. should have edited the photos of Seed i want to post here, but got stuck looking through photos from summer 2009. it seemed endless and full of beautiful evenings, warm, and happy things. i know it wasn't that happy. but those photos showed the best sides of it. they are telling another story than what truly happened. :/
i got really sad. i miss my former home and all the nice things i had there. i've had nothing familiar here, that was why it was impossible to get a reality check in the fall when i got homeless. i have gathered some stuff, bowls, decoration, nice plates and such. but they are still new. how it comes, Seed is about the only object i'm truly familiar with. i've lived with photos of him for years. in the old photos there was only brightness, they seemed to somehow glorify my old home. they don't show how dark it felt sometimes, how much bad things happened there, how much anxiety the walls held inside. all the shed blood they've seen. :/ i miss my stuff that's still there, and the good moments i had there, but like the Christmas visit showed, if i go there i also always remember the bad things. they cannot be washed away.
today i was in Helsinki, in order to finally find the spoons i want, and buy new mangas. and i just did those two things. spoons, mangas. then i left. unsatisfied. feeling guilty. i should have tried to get everything out of the rare visit.
and it has a reason. cause last night i had a dream.. i've kept having nightmares lately, and this one was one too. it might not have been that horrible, but it left a really strong bad feeling that i still haven't got rid of. other parts of it were stressy too, but the worst was the one with my mom. she had just found out about Seed, and she was really mad at me. we were upstairs in their house, before the balcony door where they now have only plants cause they don't heat the upstairs regurlary. she went back down and came back with dad's old pistol. it looked different than i remembered, kinda silver, and strangely oily. mom gave it to my hand, and said "now take that and explain with that why the guns are so special/important to you". i just stood there. i could not say a word. i could not defend myself, nor my "friends", and i felt awful. like i let them down, i let Seed down. i was like frozen.
i've felt guilty because of that the whole day. i'm still totally afraid of mom and dad when they get angry. the fear is sitting so deep i've not been able to cut it out. i fear what they could do to me. i feel guilty cause i should have stood up for Seed. if not for myself, i should have tried to defend him. i felt so bad letting him down i felt like i should have given him a present or a kind, should have bought something for him cause i'm so sorry. and this because of a dream.
now i'm sad because i don't have a home, and it feels again like everything's breaking apart. (i'd need a drink... even sake with orange juice would do..) i'm totally unsatisfied with the stuff to read i bought. it's all series i really love, found even one part that has been quite impossible to get cause they stopped the production last year, and on my way back home i thought about starting to collect the Dragonball Z series. the tv-serie has been really important to me in the past, i've seen every part at least two times, most three or four, some even five to six. the Cell Saga is the most important one for me cause that was where i started when i first time saw it on a tzech or polish channel that had ants running over the picture and where i didn't understand a word of what was spoken. later it aired in Germany too. never seen the original in japanese, nor the english version. well, i can say thinking about that was the only flash of light in this day. O_o
well now music is making me feel a little better, maybe "the white pill" too. :P it should also give a better sleep. last night i felt awfully ill. oh, yes, like my name! had to puke too. :P i hate to have to do it, but it also helps cause when i have the reason that caused my ill feeling out of me it gets better and i can sleep again. always been like that. in the past year i have had to do it about four times more often than in the last ten years. what does that tell about my VERY HEALTHY eating habits.. :P it also lately comes without any special reason. like, yesterday i didn't eat anything i'm allergic against, just quite a lot, more than normally, and quite fast too, and i think the evening pills did also a part. i hate this shit of a medication... the morning pill makes me a zombie for hours and the 1st evening set does have absolutely no effect and the 2nd set drops me totally (it's the same stuff than in the morning). i'm a zombie the whole night and still won't get enough rest.
i think of calling to my clinic tomorrow and maybe trying to get a time to talk to somebody for friday, or just talk in phone, that's alright too. i just feel so bad all the time. ;_;
maybe the pictures in another post, trying to make it a little more positive. if i get anything done, if i find fitting "pairings". i don't really like the thought of pairing Seed with a flower. O_o it'd do in a more artistic, more feminine setting, but not really in this case where i want to give a good impression also of myself. and i'm not feminine artistic. :P i do MY stuff and that's mostly dark and edgy. but i don't like to make a full collage either, the main object, Seed, has to stay in the center of attention and the other clutter just around it, but couldn't find anything "just right" in the 2009 pictures. i continue tomorrow with works from further in the past.
P.S. NO PHOTOS. not yet. editing still not done. have been feeling v e r y bad, plus i continued to write SP. about 10 pages in two days. so that's what i've been doing.. be back later.
i got really sad. i miss my former home and all the nice things i had there. i've had nothing familiar here, that was why it was impossible to get a reality check in the fall when i got homeless. i have gathered some stuff, bowls, decoration, nice plates and such. but they are still new. how it comes, Seed is about the only object i'm truly familiar with. i've lived with photos of him for years. in the old photos there was only brightness, they seemed to somehow glorify my old home. they don't show how dark it felt sometimes, how much bad things happened there, how much anxiety the walls held inside. all the shed blood they've seen. :/ i miss my stuff that's still there, and the good moments i had there, but like the Christmas visit showed, if i go there i also always remember the bad things. they cannot be washed away.
today i was in Helsinki, in order to finally find the spoons i want, and buy new mangas. and i just did those two things. spoons, mangas. then i left. unsatisfied. feeling guilty. i should have tried to get everything out of the rare visit.
and it has a reason. cause last night i had a dream.. i've kept having nightmares lately, and this one was one too. it might not have been that horrible, but it left a really strong bad feeling that i still haven't got rid of. other parts of it were stressy too, but the worst was the one with my mom. she had just found out about Seed, and she was really mad at me. we were upstairs in their house, before the balcony door where they now have only plants cause they don't heat the upstairs regurlary. she went back down and came back with dad's old pistol. it looked different than i remembered, kinda silver, and strangely oily. mom gave it to my hand, and said "now take that and explain with that why the guns are so special/important to you". i just stood there. i could not say a word. i could not defend myself, nor my "friends", and i felt awful. like i let them down, i let Seed down. i was like frozen.
i've felt guilty because of that the whole day. i'm still totally afraid of mom and dad when they get angry. the fear is sitting so deep i've not been able to cut it out. i fear what they could do to me. i feel guilty cause i should have stood up for Seed. if not for myself, i should have tried to defend him. i felt so bad letting him down i felt like i should have given him a present or a kind, should have bought something for him cause i'm so sorry. and this because of a dream.
now i'm sad because i don't have a home, and it feels again like everything's breaking apart. (i'd need a drink... even sake with orange juice would do..) i'm totally unsatisfied with the stuff to read i bought. it's all series i really love, found even one part that has been quite impossible to get cause they stopped the production last year, and on my way back home i thought about starting to collect the Dragonball Z series. the tv-serie has been really important to me in the past, i've seen every part at least two times, most three or four, some even five to six. the Cell Saga is the most important one for me cause that was where i started when i first time saw it on a tzech or polish channel that had ants running over the picture and where i didn't understand a word of what was spoken. later it aired in Germany too. never seen the original in japanese, nor the english version. well, i can say thinking about that was the only flash of light in this day. O_o
well now music is making me feel a little better, maybe "the white pill" too. :P it should also give a better sleep. last night i felt awfully ill. oh, yes, like my name! had to puke too. :P i hate to have to do it, but it also helps cause when i have the reason that caused my ill feeling out of me it gets better and i can sleep again. always been like that. in the past year i have had to do it about four times more often than in the last ten years. what does that tell about my VERY HEALTHY eating habits.. :P it also lately comes without any special reason. like, yesterday i didn't eat anything i'm allergic against, just quite a lot, more than normally, and quite fast too, and i think the evening pills did also a part. i hate this shit of a medication... the morning pill makes me a zombie for hours and the 1st evening set does have absolutely no effect and the 2nd set drops me totally (it's the same stuff than in the morning). i'm a zombie the whole night and still won't get enough rest.
i think of calling to my clinic tomorrow and maybe trying to get a time to talk to somebody for friday, or just talk in phone, that's alright too. i just feel so bad all the time. ;_;
maybe the pictures in another post, trying to make it a little more positive. if i get anything done, if i find fitting "pairings". i don't really like the thought of pairing Seed with a flower. O_o it'd do in a more artistic, more feminine setting, but not really in this case where i want to give a good impression also of myself. and i'm not feminine artistic. :P i do MY stuff and that's mostly dark and edgy. but i don't like to make a full collage either, the main object, Seed, has to stay in the center of attention and the other clutter just around it, but couldn't find anything "just right" in the 2009 pictures. i continue tomorrow with works from further in the past.
P.S. NO PHOTOS. not yet. editing still not done. have been feeling v e r y bad, plus i continued to write SP. about 10 pages in two days. so that's what i've been doing.. be back later.
February 15, 2011
down down down to the bottom of the c
14.2. i've become so numb, i can't feel you there..
everything is slipping away. all the people i thought were close, a family, are slipping further away. i feel like i'm losing them. i'm losing everything.
there's no relief for anxiety this time. it's fingers are on my neck and pushing deeper. can't sleep, can't eat cause all the food is making me sick. i take my medicin but it doesn't help. i think even the fucking water has lactose, everything has, even my pills. even lactose-reduced food makes me sick. cheese and stuff. x/ this place is boiling hot and outside is too cold to stay there for long.
physical pain only helps to the mental one. nights are filled with blood, days with freezing my head outside. it's so cold it makes me feel dizzy and cause headache, but it keeps me from feeling bad inside.
the weekend was ..bad. i tried to keep smiling and took too many sedatives to at least look like i'm ok. now i feel like i'm just abused by my friend. "best" friend. best cause i don't have another who'd claim that position. he wanted me to visit, he wanted me to take photos of him and i just do cause i don't care, and he first says i'm too passive, and then pushes me away if i try anything. i know it hurts and breaks my heart but i always try again. even when i know i'll be always treated same way. :/ as long as i don't care and keep smiling and keep laughing everythings ok, i'm not hurt. at least i can keep up the look like i wasn't. and i'm still holding on to him cause there's NOBODY else. there might never be. :/
took some photos today on the walk to the foodshop. not the closest but the one on the other side of the small river that flows close. most photos of snow, the river, and then back home the snow on the yard. in camera they all look totally unsharp. i'll make more later this week. i'd actually have someplace to go on thursday, but i need more time with it. have to call tomorrow and ask if i could move it to next week. i'm totally finished. need time to sleep, even when having great problems sleeping right now. i take the maximum dosis and still won't sleep. not through the night, not resting, i lay on my right arm til it hurts, i wake up every hour to look at the clock.
keeping Seed next to me and having my arm over it calms down, but not totally. it's there, it's neutral. it's not trying to push me to do things i could regret. i think the neutral way is the right way to react to how i feel now. i must find other ways to get out of this. and for all, i should not rely on anyone else cause i know humans break. they are no use. Seed is there, but he shows no emotion. but just being there is helping me cause i know he won't leave me, he'll be there when this is over.
try to give you warning but everyone ignores me. -> this is what i've felt for years. people just ignore straightforward WARNINGS cause THEY DON'T CARE. even about their own life and death. how can they be like that? are they just STUPID or is it in their nature? like lambs, they don't see when it's their time to be slaughtered. until their neck is under the knife nobody takes things seriously.
..time to move to the next cd. i should try to write a bit more. already made a start. but my back is also hurting again. that actually means: no more sitting in the next two weeks. :P reading something would maybe help to cheer up a bit. i actually have three comics i haven't read yet. three and half. i could move one light from livingroom on my bed and read there. that's what i'm going to do. :) first some old (Avaruuden Korkeajännitys) and then some new (Halo graphic novel). both are great.
15.2. the evening was better and i took more photos of Seed. with the paper lamp i had better light and it's very easy to move around. some of them were not good, but mainly because of wrong point of view more than not enough light or shaking hands. well in the camera some look unsharp as the outside photos too, but they might be sharp as well, and i don't need them in very big size. i post some later when have transferred them to computer and maybe done some editing.
everything is slipping away. all the people i thought were close, a family, are slipping further away. i feel like i'm losing them. i'm losing everything.
there's no relief for anxiety this time. it's fingers are on my neck and pushing deeper. can't sleep, can't eat cause all the food is making me sick. i take my medicin but it doesn't help. i think even the fucking water has lactose, everything has, even my pills. even lactose-reduced food makes me sick. cheese and stuff. x/ this place is boiling hot and outside is too cold to stay there for long.
physical pain only helps to the mental one. nights are filled with blood, days with freezing my head outside. it's so cold it makes me feel dizzy and cause headache, but it keeps me from feeling bad inside.
the weekend was ..bad. i tried to keep smiling and took too many sedatives to at least look like i'm ok. now i feel like i'm just abused by my friend. "best" friend. best cause i don't have another who'd claim that position. he wanted me to visit, he wanted me to take photos of him and i just do cause i don't care, and he first says i'm too passive, and then pushes me away if i try anything. i know it hurts and breaks my heart but i always try again. even when i know i'll be always treated same way. :/ as long as i don't care and keep smiling and keep laughing everythings ok, i'm not hurt. at least i can keep up the look like i wasn't. and i'm still holding on to him cause there's NOBODY else. there might never be. :/
took some photos today on the walk to the foodshop. not the closest but the one on the other side of the small river that flows close. most photos of snow, the river, and then back home the snow on the yard. in camera they all look totally unsharp. i'll make more later this week. i'd actually have someplace to go on thursday, but i need more time with it. have to call tomorrow and ask if i could move it to next week. i'm totally finished. need time to sleep, even when having great problems sleeping right now. i take the maximum dosis and still won't sleep. not through the night, not resting, i lay on my right arm til it hurts, i wake up every hour to look at the clock.
keeping Seed next to me and having my arm over it calms down, but not totally. it's there, it's neutral. it's not trying to push me to do things i could regret. i think the neutral way is the right way to react to how i feel now. i must find other ways to get out of this. and for all, i should not rely on anyone else cause i know humans break. they are no use. Seed is there, but he shows no emotion. but just being there is helping me cause i know he won't leave me, he'll be there when this is over.
try to give you warning but everyone ignores me. -> this is what i've felt for years. people just ignore straightforward WARNINGS cause THEY DON'T CARE. even about their own life and death. how can they be like that? are they just STUPID or is it in their nature? like lambs, they don't see when it's their time to be slaughtered. until their neck is under the knife nobody takes things seriously.
..time to move to the next cd. i should try to write a bit more. already made a start. but my back is also hurting again. that actually means: no more sitting in the next two weeks. :P reading something would maybe help to cheer up a bit. i actually have three comics i haven't read yet. three and half. i could move one light from livingroom on my bed and read there. that's what i'm going to do. :) first some old (Avaruuden Korkeajännitys) and then some new (Halo graphic novel). both are great.
15.2. the evening was better and i took more photos of Seed. with the paper lamp i had better light and it's very easy to move around. some of them were not good, but mainly because of wrong point of view more than not enough light or shaking hands. well in the camera some look unsharp as the outside photos too, but they might be sharp as well, and i don't need them in very big size. i post some later when have transferred them to computer and maybe done some editing.
February 8, 2011
a perfect dream, and stuff
5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
February 1, 2011
samurai style
30.1. does this sound somehow familiar?
"When a samurai was at home his swords decorated the most visible place in work- or guestroom, always ready for use. At night the swords guarded his head. The swords were given names and they were worshipped. ... To produce a sword was a religious seremony and skilled swordsmiths ... were blessed by gods and were even thought to be kami by themselves." *)
well there are a lot of historical theories and philosophies that i once have learned/read about, and then forgotten, and it seems like i have very well melted some of them to become part of my own philosophy. :)
since a couple of days i'm quite stressed because of a few things, one is troubling me a lot. my future. i don't have one, it seems. :/ i might get one, but for that i should be really brave, and i'm just so scared of everything. :/ but continuing like this will end in suicide some day.
whatever, now i'm home again after weekend and should get some rest mentally and physically before leaving to see my parents on wednesday. tomorrow i have to clean my room. i last time did in october. O_o and last time i had about three months break in cleaning was sometime in 2003 when sick, or 2004-5 when dramatically deep depressed. well i don't think i ever had this long break at all.. and, i have technic to play with: search again for tv channels cause they change, install a music software, transfer photos from camera and mobile phone, write something if time left. there's nothing to eat but instant noodles, but they'll do. i've had tortillas 3 days in a row.
so, now have to go to bed. Seed will guard my head when i sleep. :)
*) source: Ilmari Vesterinen: Lohikäärme ja krysanteemi, 1988; translation and underlining my own.
"When a samurai was at home his swords decorated the most visible place in work- or guestroom, always ready for use. At night the swords guarded his head. The swords were given names and they were worshipped. ... To produce a sword was a religious seremony and skilled swordsmiths ... were blessed by gods and were even thought to be kami by themselves." *)
well there are a lot of historical theories and philosophies that i once have learned/read about, and then forgotten, and it seems like i have very well melted some of them to become part of my own philosophy. :)
since a couple of days i'm quite stressed because of a few things, one is troubling me a lot. my future. i don't have one, it seems. :/ i might get one, but for that i should be really brave, and i'm just so scared of everything. :/ but continuing like this will end in suicide some day.
whatever, now i'm home again after weekend and should get some rest mentally and physically before leaving to see my parents on wednesday. tomorrow i have to clean my room. i last time did in october. O_o and last time i had about three months break in cleaning was sometime in 2003 when sick, or 2004-5 when dramatically deep depressed. well i don't think i ever had this long break at all.. and, i have technic to play with: search again for tv channels cause they change, install a music software, transfer photos from camera and mobile phone, write something if time left. there's nothing to eat but instant noodles, but they'll do. i've had tortillas 3 days in a row.
so, now have to go to bed. Seed will guard my head when i sleep. :)
*) source: Ilmari Vesterinen: Lohikäärme ja krysanteemi, 1988; translation and underlining my own.
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