I managed to get myself drunk!! That hasn't happened in a while..
And that in an apartment where it's illegal to bring alcohol in. Don't tell, OK? I juts did this to relax a bit. I can't find peace. Sleeping doesn't bring any. I'd need a fight. Hit and get hit. Yes I DO have a strange and abnormal relationship to violence. I don't care getting hurt because I love to hurt others so much. (This is written drunk, remember!!)
Indeed I just finished writing a strange comment on my other blog about myself. Things that are seemingly wrong with my head. I realise my thoughts and truths and rules are abnormal, not realistic in many manners, but I can't help following them. Often I don't even have a connection to my brain to be able to write about this. I think I could shoot myself in the arm right now. If I had a real firearm I'd propably have done that already in one of those previous times I got the enormous strong need to see blood. And when cutting doesn't work. It often doesn't. I know BB's hurt too and I'm in fact interested to know how much. How much it'd make on my scale on which razorblade or a strong punch don't raise the bar very high. On a scale from 1 to 10 razorblade makes 3 to 4 maximum and a punch maybe max 3. Bleeding fists are nothing new. With already damaged ones punching a boxing sack might get to 5, depending on the ground that was used to damage them before that. Cement makes 5, plastic 4. Pain is no obstacle to anything.. I can just ignore it pretty long.
Whatever. I don't know anymore what I wanted to write in here. I have somehow lost the sense of internet. I was on five days holiday and that brought me very far from my normal every day reality. Still feel unreal.
I keep this blog alive, for the case I find it again. Til then I'm gone. Cause I'm going crazy.. And I don't know when to stop.
Showing posts with label i don't care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i don't care. Show all posts
August 18, 2011
August 1, 2011
Whatever
I wanted to put this blog behind a password but I can't do that - that option doesn't EXIST. So just leave it. Who cares. Nobody reads this anyway. :)
I've been moving around today a lot (online). I had this blog removed from Youtube and my second put in there, but removed it after the last post too. Instead there's now the link to my Flickr-account as my homepage. Guess that's OK. I wrote quite serious and truthful in Sitamar tonight. I had the need to let it out. Even when it might hurt me. People don't usually take it too nicely when you admit you just use them to get what you want. :P Whatever. I have thought about that for almost a year.
I wrote about that I want to kill people. Most of them out there find that scary too. But it's been long inside of me. Looooooooong. 20 years or so.
Should go to sleep. My cat sleeps too. But I just sit here and think. Think about bad things. One drop of blood, is that too much asked? Can't I have even just one small drop? But I know it doesn't help to see my own blood. I'd love to go out now. I'd love to LET GO.
Instead I just keep sitting here and a teardrop runs down my face.
I've been moving around today a lot (online). I had this blog removed from Youtube and my second put in there, but removed it after the last post too. Instead there's now the link to my Flickr-account as my homepage. Guess that's OK. I wrote quite serious and truthful in Sitamar tonight. I had the need to let it out. Even when it might hurt me. People don't usually take it too nicely when you admit you just use them to get what you want. :P Whatever. I have thought about that for almost a year.
I wrote about that I want to kill people. Most of them out there find that scary too. But it's been long inside of me. Looooooooong. 20 years or so.
Should go to sleep. My cat sleeps too. But I just sit here and think. Think about bad things. One drop of blood, is that too much asked? Can't I have even just one small drop? But I know it doesn't help to see my own blood. I'd love to go out now. I'd love to LET GO.
Instead I just keep sitting here and a teardrop runs down my face.
July 8, 2011
Fallout 3 fanfic, first look inside
This time, we're back with the project I told about some time ago. I have continued a little, but it's somehow stuck. Everything in my head is mixed up because of other things, can't think creative. And this time in the beginning with my cat is not easy. It would be a big lie to say so.
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
July 6, 2011
Respawn
Well, now this blog is running by a new author. This was a necessary move to clean up my old Blogger account and separate blogs, move some to WordPress and kill two others.
Facebook clean up is still going on. If interested you can still find me there and in some cases I might even accept a friend request. But first I throw all my now existing friends out of there and close my wall from any others than friends. I might keep posting if I get friends there, but otherwise I'm just using it to follow sites I like to get news cause they don't advertise in any newspapers (well, and I don't read them anyway).
So now this blog is removed from my old Blogger account and there will exist no links between these. My Youtube account will be from now on the only link here, if other people don't link here from their sites. I'm ok with that, link how much you ever want, but DON'T MENTION MY OLD SCREEN NAME when you do that, thank you. Use this new one.
Just took some photos of my cat Maru when he is sitting on a box under my table. With flash. And no green eyes this time. ^^ Earlier today when he was in entrance room and I was here in living room I saw his eyes glow green. ^^
For now, you can read more about me in that "About me" page in sidebar (now updated). Just casual and stupid talk. Although, you should take that important notice seriously. Nobody cares about what you do at home, but in public there are rules that everyone should follow. Right now I am experiencing a deep fall and just don't care what happens. I take risks that could bring me in real trouble, and I know I might go crazy just anytime. Even when there are no visible psychotic signs. So, carrying a gun with me in public actually is provocating a dangerous situation.. But I don't care. Not for myself. I do everything for my cat, but what happens with me doesn't matter. I have cuts on my both wrists and on my neck and my right fist starts turning blue and green from hitting it against the wall. So what? Who cares if I don't?
Facebook clean up is still going on. If interested you can still find me there and in some cases I might even accept a friend request. But first I throw all my now existing friends out of there and close my wall from any others than friends. I might keep posting if I get friends there, but otherwise I'm just using it to follow sites I like to get news cause they don't advertise in any newspapers (well, and I don't read them anyway).
So now this blog is removed from my old Blogger account and there will exist no links between these. My Youtube account will be from now on the only link here, if other people don't link here from their sites. I'm ok with that, link how much you ever want, but DON'T MENTION MY OLD SCREEN NAME when you do that, thank you. Use this new one.
Just took some photos of my cat Maru when he is sitting on a box under my table. With flash. And no green eyes this time. ^^ Earlier today when he was in entrance room and I was here in living room I saw his eyes glow green. ^^
For now, you can read more about me in that "About me" page in sidebar (now updated). Just casual and stupid talk. Although, you should take that important notice seriously. Nobody cares about what you do at home, but in public there are rules that everyone should follow. Right now I am experiencing a deep fall and just don't care what happens. I take risks that could bring me in real trouble, and I know I might go crazy just anytime. Even when there are no visible psychotic signs. So, carrying a gun with me in public actually is provocating a dangerous situation.. But I don't care. Not for myself. I do everything for my cat, but what happens with me doesn't matter. I have cuts on my both wrists and on my neck and my right fist starts turning blue and green from hitting it against the wall. So what? Who cares if I don't?
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