3.7. I'm eating blueberries my mom picked for me this morning. Not those big ones grown on farms. These are from the forest behind their house. Taste much better. :) There are also a few forest strawberries. Good and sweet. Here on the big yard there are some growing too. Planted extra so people living here can eat them. Til now I've seen nobody else eat them than me.
My cat Maru is now here. Today my dad brought a net for the balcony door so he doesn't fall down. He's sitting before it most of the time. Every time someone walks by the sand path close to the house he must go and look. All the new noises and smells. Before when he noticed here was a fly he chased it with light speed and meowed a lot. Didn't catch it. But he really tried. So much sport, and I don't need to do anything. xD He has also started eating better. First day, on Friday, he only ate sausage casings, and yesterday mostly pieces of sausages I gave him. Today already some wet food with his medicine, and now in the evening he ate again most of the wet food and it looked like he had eaten the medicine again. Well, it should be tasty for most cats and dogs. I let that food stand there overnight if he eats it sometime at night. Tomorrow he gets more of his special food. I got 4 bags of it, 8 kg alltogether. He also has learned to drink water, so his body doesn't dry like when he'd only eat the dry food. I try to teach him a certain feeding routine. He also uses his toilet regularly, about once a day. My whole bathroom stinks of cat shit, but it doesn't matter. I've gotten used to it and his food smell already. "Been there, done that." :D
I have somehow panicked each day now since he's here. Have to get used to him and it'll take some time. First day I felt awful and thought I can never take care of a living thing. It's too difficult. But then I remembered he's just a cat. I know a lot about cats. This one is a little challenge because his sickness (overly moving joints in hind legs), he has to eat his medicine twice every day, has to eat this special food a lot and if it gets worse I need lots of money for vet bills. But I'm really ready for this, I think now. I still panic easily, but other moments I just want to give him a loving home where he can spend his "last years" (this was the reason why I didn't need to pay the normal fee of 50 euro).. I think he'll live AT LEAST ten more years. He's jumping a lot and doesn't seem to have pains. I just have to learn a way to lift him up. I maybe hurt him once while he tried to climb on me and I took him up like a little child and didn't get good hold of his legs. Next time I try it different way.
Right now he's laying beside me on a place I made for him from some towels. As close to a human as possible. These blueberries taste really good. :) I also try to teach Maru not to play with peoples hands. He scratches, even I got a small wound, the first time he did it to me. Now I make a noise he doesn't like everytime he tries to do that, and say "no" in finnish or german. Seems to not work well til now. 30 seconds and he has forgotten what was wrong. O-O Maybe he eventually learns it.
He seems to like some salty and spicy food. He licked my plate after I ate the rest of my steak from yesterday. But I don't want to give him much of that. It's too spicy and could make harm to him. There's cat food and it's also a little bit salty (I tasted some). I also mixed some of the dry food with the wet food to make him more interested in it. Tonight he maybe gets little bit of the dry food cause he likes to eat at night. I get awake every time he starts to crunch. Last night he gave us only little peace. Always jumping on bed and meowing. Now all the guests are gone so maybe he's calmer.
Oh well, drinking from the sink. Dirty water can be so tasty. At least I don't let him drink from the toilet. I washed it yesterday but today it's dirty again. I don't want him to catch any bacteria.
Sorry that this is all about Maru. For the beginning he's the middle of my life. Until we get used to each other and find a suitable rhytm of living. I try to not feed him too much, that means only one bag wet food a day, or half bag wet food and second half dry food. He just needs to eat two pills each day. He didn't seem to like seafood. And I bought a package of 12 bags of seafood. I try to feed it sometime in between all the chicken-mixtures and meat and if it doesn't work I'll give them to mom cause her cat loves fish and shrimps.
It was so hot today it's nice to feel the cool evening breeze. Although it's slowly getting too cold. Think I stay awake a little longer today. At the airport I felt awfully sad. Even when my ex is sometimes a pain in the ass I did live long together with him and sometimes it's still fun when we visit each other. I really had to try hard to look happy. :/ I won't see him until August, and then again a break til January next year. Heh, looks like Maru didn't like the music of Yanni and went to sleeping corner. Good chance to take the net from the window and water my summer plants.
*
He was very brave, only interested of my flowers. Now he seems to be eating the rest of his meal. Good boy. :) And I quit this now and go do something else. Have a new wallpaper: Fallout New Vegas artwork from IGN.com. They have mostly screenshots but some awesome artwork too. This one has ruined old cars, ruined houses and a motel sign, desert and behind some mountains. Nice evening sky, not such green mist like in Fallout 3. That greeny stuff was part of the games unique athmosphere and one thing why I like it so much. There are mods that change that and also bring in growing trees and grasses. And what not.
Yesterday I wrote some to my "new paper diary". I don't write there often, only when I feel like it. This time I wrote about how nice Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is made, cause I watched a couple of those videos. I like it, how much ever some people say it's just a narrow tunnel or experience train that doesn't leave place for making own decisions. Well, it IS very fast forward, but I have to say I'm not yet quite far. And I'm not sure if I'd buy it (well, I should be saving money for a new computer and instead it's flowing into catsand and house cleaning equipment) even when I could play something (see the previous note). MY reflexes are not very good right now. They are better than a year ago, but I'm still far from what I once used to be. Damn. BUT. I like that game. It has nice guns. And there was my writings point: I call them nice, or even beautiful sometimes (like that one SMG), and then I think what would my parents say. xD Somehow I now often get the need to shake their intolerant pants.. They do so as if they were the most pacific people on earth. (I've complained about this before.) Especially mom thinks all games are bad for psyche and make people go crazy and cause bad dreams. (O-o) She'd flip out if she saw me watching videos about "killing/war games". Or even play them by myself. Heh. So, what would she do if she found out I have two "horrible bad personifications of violence" at home? xD xD xD
I just have this kind of attitude towards my parents. Have developed it cause there are so many things in my life they don't accept or understand. So I'm not telling them more than is needed. I laugh at their very narrow world view. Mom is intentionally shutting her eyes and ears from all the evil in the world. And dad drinks to drown his worries and fear. So, I have let go of them already. Eventually they will die. Eventually I won't have parents anymore. I have to live with it. It's part of life. So I'm not making it even more difficult for myself than it already is. I have my life, they have theirs.
And I'd so like to shock them - even once! xD
Somehow I've had this need to shock people for some time now.. Don't know where it comes from. Cause I had to suppress my real self and real feelings for so long?
And, when I told mom at midsummer one day that I had really violent dreams she immediately thought I have watched some videos of butchering people or "these horrible game videos" etc. Oh god. I never get nightmares of games. These ones were caused by extreme stress and cause I had to spend three and half days with intolerant stoneage people. Just anyone would get eager to kill..
Tired of thinking all this crap.
Quit now and post this some time later.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
July 3, 2011
June 28, 2011
burned to ashes
28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
April 26, 2011
dad & like a dog
26.4. i've packed some more things. my easter was great. very warm and fun things to do. american car show for example. i've never been in one before and especially the tuning part was interesting for me. :) i talked a lot with my friend and it feels like we're closer again. in winter i lost my trust in him somehow. we have many same interests and plan projects we can realise together. one is to build a gaming table for Warhammer 40k. :) i want something with jungle and wet mud, he wants a ruined city that's cool too, and maybe desert. it can be brought together when building the table elements as modules that can be mixed everytime different way. also objects like hills and ruins and such don't need to be fixed, so it's possible to change the view often.
we bought cool t-shirts from the show. but cannot wear them when with our families. O.o some people are too conventional and intolerant. it's so stupid when being not accepted because what we are. as those persons we are and want to be. it hits me harder cause at least his parents are more relaxed and somehow ignorant in some cases, but mine are nagging about everything. mom doesn't accept my hobbies and interests, so i'm not telling her much. dad comes here next tuesday and i still consider showing him Seed and Ari. i don't know. i'd like to have a connection with him but i hate him so much for his irresponsible drinking. he has lost control of himself, it's so pitiful. disgusting. i feel ill when i have to watch it. i wished i had a way to help him, i wished i could make him promise to quit. it's just shortening his life more. i just fear he's too deep. he lives in fear of cancer, he's of course afraid of dying too, but drinking is no help. with that he's spoiling the life of our others too. he could make it easier for us but seems like he doesn't care of us anymore. just his alcohol. it's sad, but more it makes me angry. cause he has NOT the right to do that. he'd just yell at me if i said anything. professional help is a no-go. my parents have never accepted something like that. they suffer like martyrs and it seems to satisfy them some weird way. mom is totally acting like a victim, not taking any responsibility of ANYTHING.
i just don't know what to do. :/ when i get desperate i can only think of one choice: killing them both. but then again when i dwell on it i realise i propably don't have the heart to do that. i think often myself standing beside their bed, a knife in my hand, and then stabbing them. first dad and then mom. i have to cry. i feel so bad for them, for having to die that way. after all they raised me and i've called them my parents. but things are getting to the point where i cross the line and do just anything to end this all.
i don't want to talk about that. but i think about it. cause my dad is coming here i think about it all the time. :P the possibilities i'd have to push him to stop. he has no hope anymore, that's why he doesn't care. but how could i make him understand he's destroying his family's life with his behavior?? is there anything worth to stay sober? for him there isn't. that makes it so hard. :/
my uncle is an absolutist. i heard from my sister that dad isn't going to him for overnight, like he told me previously. cause in my sister's place he can drink. she said she can't do much against it. if it was me i wouldn't let him in when he's drunk, or has the intent to drink here. first: it's not allowed here, and second: this is MY place and i make the rules here. i'm not his babysitter. i can say i don't care if you die outside, but you are not coming in here drunk. if he becomes aggressive i call the police. if there was a possibility i'd get him in a detox clinic or somewhere where he can be helped. but privates too expensive and he'd fight it with all his might. i don't know if it can be forced by law in this country.
i wrote about this before, but didn't post it. now it doesn't matter for me anymore. ..i have four big and one small boxes left plus the one for digibox. so all should fit in. i continue soon. sun has set so it's no more so warm in here.
after the long weekend i've not had much time to be with Seed and Ari. last night i slept again not good, i woke up all the time caused by different things. some nights i'm like totally drunk and walk against walls, then again i can't get sleep, or sleep very bad waking up every hour, i'm drooling like a dog when i sleep xP and my body gets numb. every time i wake i get a hold of Seed or Ari, mostly both. Seed with my left hand and Ari is on my pillow beside my head and i hold it with my right hand. i missed them both on weekend. nights are restless and at day i'm tired. i don't know what's happening to my body. is that because of the antidepressiva? i've been drooling sometimes before, but not like this!! xP just like a dog dammit!! i constantly dream about Seed and Ari. i don't remember most of the dreams after waking up. all the other dreams are pure stress dreams.
i've lost weight, even when last week i had more appetite and ate a lot more. but now i'm back to normal very small portions. feel bad about food and eating it. all of it. only energy drink i could drink a lot more. they are tasty when i had so long break. tried to write a little before, but two lines are not much. O.o think it's better to read something than try when there's no flow.
now i look a few more Youtube videos. added today three new to my channel, they are crappy and short from 2006. then i post this and continue packing. like winter clothes could already be put away.. bbw. bye!
we bought cool t-shirts from the show. but cannot wear them when with our families. O.o some people are too conventional and intolerant. it's so stupid when being not accepted because what we are. as those persons we are and want to be. it hits me harder cause at least his parents are more relaxed and somehow ignorant in some cases, but mine are nagging about everything. mom doesn't accept my hobbies and interests, so i'm not telling her much. dad comes here next tuesday and i still consider showing him Seed and Ari. i don't know. i'd like to have a connection with him but i hate him so much for his irresponsible drinking. he has lost control of himself, it's so pitiful. disgusting. i feel ill when i have to watch it. i wished i had a way to help him, i wished i could make him promise to quit. it's just shortening his life more. i just fear he's too deep. he lives in fear of cancer, he's of course afraid of dying too, but drinking is no help. with that he's spoiling the life of our others too. he could make it easier for us but seems like he doesn't care of us anymore. just his alcohol. it's sad, but more it makes me angry. cause he has NOT the right to do that. he'd just yell at me if i said anything. professional help is a no-go. my parents have never accepted something like that. they suffer like martyrs and it seems to satisfy them some weird way. mom is totally acting like a victim, not taking any responsibility of ANYTHING.
i just don't know what to do. :/ when i get desperate i can only think of one choice: killing them both. but then again when i dwell on it i realise i propably don't have the heart to do that. i think often myself standing beside their bed, a knife in my hand, and then stabbing them. first dad and then mom. i have to cry. i feel so bad for them, for having to die that way. after all they raised me and i've called them my parents. but things are getting to the point where i cross the line and do just anything to end this all.
i don't want to talk about that. but i think about it. cause my dad is coming here i think about it all the time. :P the possibilities i'd have to push him to stop. he has no hope anymore, that's why he doesn't care. but how could i make him understand he's destroying his family's life with his behavior?? is there anything worth to stay sober? for him there isn't. that makes it so hard. :/
my uncle is an absolutist. i heard from my sister that dad isn't going to him for overnight, like he told me previously. cause in my sister's place he can drink. she said she can't do much against it. if it was me i wouldn't let him in when he's drunk, or has the intent to drink here. first: it's not allowed here, and second: this is MY place and i make the rules here. i'm not his babysitter. i can say i don't care if you die outside, but you are not coming in here drunk. if he becomes aggressive i call the police. if there was a possibility i'd get him in a detox clinic or somewhere where he can be helped. but privates too expensive and he'd fight it with all his might. i don't know if it can be forced by law in this country.
i wrote about this before, but didn't post it. now it doesn't matter for me anymore. ..i have four big and one small boxes left plus the one for digibox. so all should fit in. i continue soon. sun has set so it's no more so warm in here.
after the long weekend i've not had much time to be with Seed and Ari. last night i slept again not good, i woke up all the time caused by different things. some nights i'm like totally drunk and walk against walls, then again i can't get sleep, or sleep very bad waking up every hour, i'm drooling like a dog when i sleep xP and my body gets numb. every time i wake i get a hold of Seed or Ari, mostly both. Seed with my left hand and Ari is on my pillow beside my head and i hold it with my right hand. i missed them both on weekend. nights are restless and at day i'm tired. i don't know what's happening to my body. is that because of the antidepressiva? i've been drooling sometimes before, but not like this!! xP just like a dog dammit!! i constantly dream about Seed and Ari. i don't remember most of the dreams after waking up. all the other dreams are pure stress dreams.
i've lost weight, even when last week i had more appetite and ate a lot more. but now i'm back to normal very small portions. feel bad about food and eating it. all of it. only energy drink i could drink a lot more. they are tasty when i had so long break. tried to write a little before, but two lines are not much. O.o think it's better to read something than try when there's no flow.
now i look a few more Youtube videos. added today three new to my channel, they are crappy and short from 2006. then i post this and continue packing. like winter clothes could already be put away.. bbw. bye!
April 21, 2011
fiction, politics and stuff
21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
April 13, 2011
dreams, good and bad
13.4. today is better than yesterday and previously this week. yesterday i had a bad down. fell back down to depression and hurt myself in search for escape. i don't feel safe anymore. but last night i had a good long dream. nightmare and a stressdream before it didn't disturb me much.
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".
April 11, 2011
i hate everyone :P and that for a reason!
11.4. i hate people. and the most of all i hate pictures of so called "happy families". smiling parents, smiling, healthy children, walking in a park where no plant or flower grows where it shouldn't, grass is even like a floor. standing before a flowerbed full of nice flowers. smiling so that i wonder how it must hurt to keep their mouths in such everlasting grin. weather is always bright and sunny. no clouds on the perfect sky. no trash laying around because trashcans are too full. no drinkers sitting under bushes. nobody smokes.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.
April 5, 2011
money money money, must be funny..
5.4. wow that was a long break! two whole days! oh my god! i just love to post here right now. and somehow i always find something to write about. this is great training in english, to get used to write it, and i've even started to think in english during the day. trying to find words and understand people who are speaking english in the city.
today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.
OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P
enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.
yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.
OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.
i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.
earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)
ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D
well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..
whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.
BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).
i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.
so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!
today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.
OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P
enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.
yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.
OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.
i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.
earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)
ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D
well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..
whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.
BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).
i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.
so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!
March 18, 2011
i place my heart in your hand
16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
March 7, 2011
hiding places
7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
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