I managed to get myself drunk!! That hasn't happened in a while..
And that in an apartment where it's illegal to bring alcohol in. Don't tell, OK? I juts did this to relax a bit. I can't find peace. Sleeping doesn't bring any. I'd need a fight. Hit and get hit. Yes I DO have a strange and abnormal relationship to violence. I don't care getting hurt because I love to hurt others so much. (This is written drunk, remember!!)
Indeed I just finished writing a strange comment on my other blog about myself. Things that are seemingly wrong with my head. I realise my thoughts and truths and rules are abnormal, not realistic in many manners, but I can't help following them. Often I don't even have a connection to my brain to be able to write about this. I think I could shoot myself in the arm right now. If I had a real firearm I'd propably have done that already in one of those previous times I got the enormous strong need to see blood. And when cutting doesn't work. It often doesn't. I know BB's hurt too and I'm in fact interested to know how much. How much it'd make on my scale on which razorblade or a strong punch don't raise the bar very high. On a scale from 1 to 10 razorblade makes 3 to 4 maximum and a punch maybe max 3. Bleeding fists are nothing new. With already damaged ones punching a boxing sack might get to 5, depending on the ground that was used to damage them before that. Cement makes 5, plastic 4. Pain is no obstacle to anything.. I can just ignore it pretty long.
Whatever. I don't know anymore what I wanted to write in here. I have somehow lost the sense of internet. I was on five days holiday and that brought me very far from my normal every day reality. Still feel unreal.
I keep this blog alive, for the case I find it again. Til then I'm gone. Cause I'm going crazy.. And I don't know when to stop.
Showing posts with label head crippled. Show all posts
Showing posts with label head crippled. Show all posts
August 18, 2011
July 19, 2011
A small update
I'm burning out again, for some reason. Even when I could breath out from relief in one problem. It still keeps me stressed. I know that feeling will disappear as soon as it is so far and I have that thing brought home. But everything before it... I still have about three weeks to stress about it. Happy rest of July to me.
I watched stuff in Youtube and I'm getting pissed there. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the whole fucking online life that's making me so tired. This is all the same. From one day to another.
Watched clearly too many videos today. I got bored on them. They didn't relax me anymore. So I changed to writing something. I continued the collection Deep at night. Thought about how to bring new themes into it. I'll write some urban war stuff in it soon. Cause, it's like a second reality, a second life for me and a playground. There I can do whatever I want to. Nobody can stop me. I create a world out of this one around me. It's about the same places and in the urban war -stories it will be also about the nearest city - as it looks like after a heavy war with gangs still fighting each other, settlers trying to survive with the very small amount of resources available. With different small "states" and "settlements" that live their own life and don't welcome any strangers.
Hmm, sound familiar.. Doesn't it? xD
--
I'm finished. It's 1:42AM. I'm frustrated. It's about moving forward and that I have not been able to do that. This shit again. I have tried to tell myself to give myself more time, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like I'm stuck when I'd like to do something. Tomorrow (ah, today) I go to buy some food and take money out of bank and fill my bus card and bring rest of the money home and put it away in the box where I keep my bank for my "box" and new PC. On Wednesday or Thursday I go to the biggest shopping center around here (takes two buses and two trains to get there, but I like traveling) to look for and ask about PCs.
I want to buy the keyboard from somewhere else and mouse too. I have a good mouse right now, and I will use it as long as it makes sense though. This site has cool stuff. Check out this too.
Was in a message board for a while but it's frustrating me a lot more than I thought it would. I don't have a good feeling in my stomach. I have no good feeling about those people. They might be totally OK, but my first impression was not all positive. It's informative, yes, but I got a feeling "of not being welcome". I have that always when I get to new message boards (except that one that was my home and that died in late 2001 ;_; i still miss it), and often it shows to be the right feeling. Well, I'll keep going there more often to get used to it. After all the informative worth is quite big. I just feel like my head is going to explode under this much pressure.
And one more thing: never surprise visit me. I hate surprise visitors. I don't let anyone in, at least not anymore. I have done it maybe a few times. No more. Don't be disappointed if I turn you down. If we can make a deal about a visiting time it might be OK. And it's better that way. I can guess what people do when they see my guns here. Cause, they can not tell if they are real or not. That's one thing that also keeps me safe. When people get scared they stop trying to get in here. ..and I like to scare people.. Especially people I have no sympathies for. And there's a lot of them.
Remember the informative worth. Get used to things. Calm down. Give yourself time to adjust. Explore surroundings. Yes I should go out more. Have been sitting here like grown to my chair, I have been scared to leave Maru alone. I try to teach myself that he's OK even when I'm the whole day away.
G'nite!
I watched stuff in Youtube and I'm getting pissed there. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the whole fucking online life that's making me so tired. This is all the same. From one day to another.
Watched clearly too many videos today. I got bored on them. They didn't relax me anymore. So I changed to writing something. I continued the collection Deep at night. Thought about how to bring new themes into it. I'll write some urban war stuff in it soon. Cause, it's like a second reality, a second life for me and a playground. There I can do whatever I want to. Nobody can stop me. I create a world out of this one around me. It's about the same places and in the urban war -stories it will be also about the nearest city - as it looks like after a heavy war with gangs still fighting each other, settlers trying to survive with the very small amount of resources available. With different small "states" and "settlements" that live their own life and don't welcome any strangers.
Hmm, sound familiar.. Doesn't it? xD
--
I'm finished. It's 1:42AM. I'm frustrated. It's about moving forward and that I have not been able to do that. This shit again. I have tried to tell myself to give myself more time, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like I'm stuck when I'd like to do something. Tomorrow (ah, today) I go to buy some food and take money out of bank and fill my bus card and bring rest of the money home and put it away in the box where I keep my bank for my "box" and new PC. On Wednesday or Thursday I go to the biggest shopping center around here (takes two buses and two trains to get there, but I like traveling) to look for and ask about PCs.
I want to buy the keyboard from somewhere else and mouse too. I have a good mouse right now, and I will use it as long as it makes sense though. This site has cool stuff. Check out this too.
Was in a message board for a while but it's frustrating me a lot more than I thought it would. I don't have a good feeling in my stomach. I have no good feeling about those people. They might be totally OK, but my first impression was not all positive. It's informative, yes, but I got a feeling "of not being welcome". I have that always when I get to new message boards (except that one that was my home and that died in late 2001 ;_; i still miss it), and often it shows to be the right feeling. Well, I'll keep going there more often to get used to it. After all the informative worth is quite big. I just feel like my head is going to explode under this much pressure.
And one more thing: never surprise visit me. I hate surprise visitors. I don't let anyone in, at least not anymore. I have done it maybe a few times. No more. Don't be disappointed if I turn you down. If we can make a deal about a visiting time it might be OK. And it's better that way. I can guess what people do when they see my guns here. Cause, they can not tell if they are real or not. That's one thing that also keeps me safe. When people get scared they stop trying to get in here. ..and I like to scare people.. Especially people I have no sympathies for. And there's a lot of them.
Remember the informative worth. Get used to things. Calm down. Give yourself time to adjust. Explore surroundings. Yes I should go out more. Have been sitting here like grown to my chair, I have been scared to leave Maru alone. I try to teach myself that he's OK even when I'm the whole day away.
G'nite!
June 28, 2011
burned to ashes
28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
June 9, 2011
fuck. you. (nothing personal, no offense)
this world makes me sick. and not only the world. everything. eating, living, interacting. god i hate people.. i hate my life.
youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.
hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)
since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(
thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.
can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.
sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.
"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."
very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.
have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.
but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.
the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?
as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.
yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.
youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.
hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)
since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(
thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.
can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.
sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.
"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."
very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.
have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.
but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.
the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?
as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.
yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.
May 21, 2011
urban war
19.5. have i mentioned this before? it's kinda creepy, but for me the outside world is like a battlefield. and the first rule is to always be aware of your surroundings. know the exits, see the dangers in time, plan your route and be able to change it within seconds. you are in charge of everything and your actions determine the next move. other people are mostly civilians or just "objects" of no interest. it might be useful to watch them sometimes just to make sure you know how they act and react to certain events. it's the same than scanning the surroundings with your eyes. keeping your ears sharp, sense the air movements, smell and know where the smell comes from. don't let anything distract you if you are on watchmode. but you also have to be able to move while being in watchmode. move regularly, without catching attention, stay very calm. even if you're not calm inside you have to remember to keep calm to outside. to show nervousity and fear - a no-go. don't let yourself be driven into a corner. that causes problems. i for example have two ways to react when being cornered: attack, or break down. inside a building with an uncomportable encounter with certain people i tend to break down, but outside, on the battlefield i might attack very easily and in an unpredictable way.
when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.
well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!
internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.
21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.
this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)
changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.
yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.
yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.
p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..
p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)
when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.
well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!
internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.
21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.
this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)
changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.
yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.
yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.
p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..
p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)
May 15, 2011
how was your day? pt 1
today, 15th May 2011.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
May 13, 2011
new try
cause this look mystic disappeared + the post i try again, and if it happens again it's censored. :P
screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.
i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.
at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.
got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...
got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.
screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.
i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.
at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.
got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...
got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.
May 6, 2011
how to NOT use chlorite
6.5. to wash the bathroom floor with chlorite was the worst idea i've had in a long time. xP i DO NOT recommend it to anyone. i'd have needed a gas mask, i breathed it about ten minutes and after that i was sure this is the end. now i have all windows open and have gained back some of my sense of smell. but still everything smells like chlorite. closed the bathroom door because it has own air circulating slit, but don't think it'll help much. have to open it sometime, after it gets better in other rooms. smells like in swimming hall, only a lot stronger. :P i never do that again. i swear. inhaling glue intentionally is nothing compared to this shit.
i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.
on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.
.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.
really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..
i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.
on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.
.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.
really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..
April 28, 2011
don't touch my balls!!
28.4. you're not gonna touch my balls, you're not gonna touch my balls.. it's such a catchy melody! :D
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
April 2, 2011
puppets, babes.. and problems
2.4. so, i'm coming again to the point where i lose sense of what's reality, what's dreams and what's imagination, fiction or something i've read from somewhere. my head is blurring. it's getting more and more crippled every day. at some moments i can think very clearly, but i cannot make the difference of if it's real or not what i think.
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
April 1, 2011
just long
24.3. 11:15PM just finished the second (actually third) short story of "deep at night". it is pure cruelty. like the line "but feeling sorry has never kept me from killing people" shows. those are kinda picturing different choices.. but enough of that. right now i'm getting better and can think about this stuff without getting strongly emotional. and they also work for me as a way to relax. sounds bad, huh?
maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.
a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?
whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!
27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.
table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.
yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.
i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.
those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.
well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.
1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.
today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P
last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P
i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.
my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.
last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."
this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!
maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.
a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?
whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!
27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.
table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.
yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.
i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.
those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.
well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.
1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.
today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P
last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P
i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.
my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.
last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."
this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)