28.4. 5:01PM report: after having already won i gave up and laid down to rest. slept 1,5 hours, awake for 1,5 hours, sleeping 2 hours, awake, sleeping 2 hours more. but i slept good, and in the first part had great dreams. have packed a lot today, it's sunny and i'm happy and balanced. my room looks better. very dirty and dusty, but not so many piles. will continue with clothes and books later and put the dirty laundry somewhere.
the good dreams, from worst to best:
i got to some random school for some reason but i was haunted by something and tried to get out. i had nothing to defend myself with so fleeing was the only choice. i found an abandoned looking toilet and hide there. went to the cabin, put my pants down and sat down. then i noticed in the cabin beside me was a student who was there to learn to clean toilets, and he had been waiting for someone. it was girls toilet. he started to dry the floor beneath him and i knew what he was going to do. he laid down on his belly and started to watch me from under the separating wall. i winked to him with my hand and smiled. like i'd care about something that pitiful. i still felt uncomfortable.
shopping with my friend J and his father. we had with us a boy called Jony who was for test staying with his family. he was badly depressed, slow, and dressed and acted like a girl. we arrived to the supermarket and me and Jony took money from the automat. i noticed i only have 70 euro left. Jony had even less and he started to cry. after shopping we went back to J's parents' place and i played childrens games with Jony, like on the floor with balls and toy cars, and build a railway for 3 year olds.
i was flying with my friend with our oldfashioned small propelled airplanes. it was getting dark and the skies poured rain over us. we wanted to land on our good friends private airport beside a small swampy muddy lake. but before we got there the weather changed to worse, my friend lost the control of his plane and crash-landed in the swamp close to shore. i tried to get to the airport, i talked to the owner via radio and reported our situation, but our friend there was alone and it would take long to drive small bad road to the lake. eventually i made an emergency landing in the lake. my plane started to sink even when it didn't break. i crawled through the mud to the shore and somehow found my way to my crashed friend further away. his plane was devastated and he was badly injured, but alive. i stabilized him and started to carry him away in the mud between rotting plants. all the time i had radio contact with our friend who was coming to help, but he got trouble on the way, his car got stuck often and the rain blinded him. the dream changed. what actually followed was the best part, but i leave that to the end. :)
this was the last one of the first series but it's not very good. i felt stressed and haunted. for some reason i was moving back to my childhood home. i got a new room (the house was a totally different and i felt like i'd never been there before) and started to unpack my stuff. i had an aquarium of the size and shape of a small book. i put it on my desk. it had light on the bottom and at least one goldfish in. my sister saw it and called me crazy for buying such a thing, but she liked it anyway. i fed my fish. the flake food was strange, very hard to break in small pieces, like thick paper. my brother came to see me but i don't remember what we talked. something casual. at some point i showed him and my sister my AEG. it looked great, like a mixture of a basic M16, P90 and a shotgun, it was at least 1,5 meters long and had an separate battery looking like a car battery, and took hours to load. some time my dad came and wanted to take us with shopping, and i asked if he'd like to see my AEG. i remember something like he'd have looked at it with a very suspicious and scared look on his face.
yay!! the best!! i was out in the snow playing with my new best friend. we played tag and shot at each other and trees and bushes. at night in an area with some ruined shacks and a main street going by. we both had an expensive blueish winter camo and other gear and had a lot of fun together. but in the middle, he was hiding and i had just found him from behind, i saw cops coming. someone had been annoyed or just scared by us and called them. they blinded me with flashlights, a whole SWAT-team :D and i realised there's no other chance than give up immediately. i warned my friend but he didn't believe it at first. i let my guns fall in the snow and raised my hands. the next scene. someone had given us a prototype of a carriable heavy machine gun. it should be great but it was total crap. it was light and sight was good, but absolutely no power behind that immense size and it was like shit to hold. just too possibilities: too high or too low. the worst ergonomy i've ever seen on anything. like a bad sized box on your shoulder that you cannot aim at anything unless holding it very low. phew. sorry. there was one more dream but i have forgotten it by now. :P
i feel awful. my body temperature went up last night and is still too high to be normal. and i can't find my cooling tea!! it's the only thing that helps!! have no idea if i packed it yet, can't remember to have done that, but can't find it in my room either. there might be one more box of tea under my bed, there SHOULD be cause i remember having packed tea and dry food in two grey plastic boxes, but last time i searched i didn't find a second one. shit.
have slept a lot with Seed beside me and Ari touching my face or on my stomach when i lay on my back. it's easy to fall asleep like that. and the sleeping quality is better than not having them close. when i last time woke up 1:23PM and changed clothes i noticed Ari had left a pressed picture of itself on my body. :D i don't feel something like that. it's weight doesn't disturb me at all. i've once slept with Seed on my stomach but i rarely sleep on my back so that's not so common. they are like close friends and kind of pets in a way (i like petting them too, just to show that i love them and care for them :D). for the perverts under the readers: i've given up sex right now. i have other things in my life that give me more and better satisfaction. i never really cared for sex. i rarely feel anything for people and there are some problems. one is that the last 7 years the things i like changed, and those two people i had the change to have sex with didn't like those changes. and didn't want to do what i would have liked to have. so i eventually gave it up with them, and there's never been a replacement. i'm not searching for one either. i don't think anyone would be interested in someone with my bad looks and personality. and as long as i shut the whole sex-thing out of my life i don't need to handle the problems linked with it. and i fear them. i'm not ready yet to face them and do something about them. i can write about guns as sex objects and such stuff, it's a great thing to really make people disgusted :D but i don't feel like that by myself. like, i can write about a lot and have no personal feelings for it. that's all i have to say about this.
to the end (?) one video i found very informative: Future weapons: Magpul Masada
it looks cool and is very useful as you can see in the video. i liked that series a lot when i had the chance to see it in TV. but that's not the case anymore. have also been too lazy or stressed to look at the discovery website. they have many great programs and i consider getting pay-Tv at some point.
found out today that my new electricity bill will be about 60 euro in 2 months. that's about 10 euro more than i've paid for two the whole winter. something's wrong here. but it's most likely too late to make it good anymore. i spent good 14 minutes in a service line that's costs were not displayed anywhere but i guess it's not cheap. they never are. :P i don't want to be a pitiful creature that cannot pay it's bills in time. there must be a way to deal with this in future. i'm not used to this situation. that's all.. i had to make a lot of must-buys the last months. well, i can find excuses but they don't change the situation. go post this shit and check my bank account. be back whenever.
Showing posts with label Seed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seed. Show all posts
April 28, 2011
April 26, 2011
dad & like a dog
26.4. i've packed some more things. my easter was great. very warm and fun things to do. american car show for example. i've never been in one before and especially the tuning part was interesting for me. :) i talked a lot with my friend and it feels like we're closer again. in winter i lost my trust in him somehow. we have many same interests and plan projects we can realise together. one is to build a gaming table for Warhammer 40k. :) i want something with jungle and wet mud, he wants a ruined city that's cool too, and maybe desert. it can be brought together when building the table elements as modules that can be mixed everytime different way. also objects like hills and ruins and such don't need to be fixed, so it's possible to change the view often.
we bought cool t-shirts from the show. but cannot wear them when with our families. O.o some people are too conventional and intolerant. it's so stupid when being not accepted because what we are. as those persons we are and want to be. it hits me harder cause at least his parents are more relaxed and somehow ignorant in some cases, but mine are nagging about everything. mom doesn't accept my hobbies and interests, so i'm not telling her much. dad comes here next tuesday and i still consider showing him Seed and Ari. i don't know. i'd like to have a connection with him but i hate him so much for his irresponsible drinking. he has lost control of himself, it's so pitiful. disgusting. i feel ill when i have to watch it. i wished i had a way to help him, i wished i could make him promise to quit. it's just shortening his life more. i just fear he's too deep. he lives in fear of cancer, he's of course afraid of dying too, but drinking is no help. with that he's spoiling the life of our others too. he could make it easier for us but seems like he doesn't care of us anymore. just his alcohol. it's sad, but more it makes me angry. cause he has NOT the right to do that. he'd just yell at me if i said anything. professional help is a no-go. my parents have never accepted something like that. they suffer like martyrs and it seems to satisfy them some weird way. mom is totally acting like a victim, not taking any responsibility of ANYTHING.
i just don't know what to do. :/ when i get desperate i can only think of one choice: killing them both. but then again when i dwell on it i realise i propably don't have the heart to do that. i think often myself standing beside their bed, a knife in my hand, and then stabbing them. first dad and then mom. i have to cry. i feel so bad for them, for having to die that way. after all they raised me and i've called them my parents. but things are getting to the point where i cross the line and do just anything to end this all.
i don't want to talk about that. but i think about it. cause my dad is coming here i think about it all the time. :P the possibilities i'd have to push him to stop. he has no hope anymore, that's why he doesn't care. but how could i make him understand he's destroying his family's life with his behavior?? is there anything worth to stay sober? for him there isn't. that makes it so hard. :/
my uncle is an absolutist. i heard from my sister that dad isn't going to him for overnight, like he told me previously. cause in my sister's place he can drink. she said she can't do much against it. if it was me i wouldn't let him in when he's drunk, or has the intent to drink here. first: it's not allowed here, and second: this is MY place and i make the rules here. i'm not his babysitter. i can say i don't care if you die outside, but you are not coming in here drunk. if he becomes aggressive i call the police. if there was a possibility i'd get him in a detox clinic or somewhere where he can be helped. but privates too expensive and he'd fight it with all his might. i don't know if it can be forced by law in this country.
i wrote about this before, but didn't post it. now it doesn't matter for me anymore. ..i have four big and one small boxes left plus the one for digibox. so all should fit in. i continue soon. sun has set so it's no more so warm in here.
after the long weekend i've not had much time to be with Seed and Ari. last night i slept again not good, i woke up all the time caused by different things. some nights i'm like totally drunk and walk against walls, then again i can't get sleep, or sleep very bad waking up every hour, i'm drooling like a dog when i sleep xP and my body gets numb. every time i wake i get a hold of Seed or Ari, mostly both. Seed with my left hand and Ari is on my pillow beside my head and i hold it with my right hand. i missed them both on weekend. nights are restless and at day i'm tired. i don't know what's happening to my body. is that because of the antidepressiva? i've been drooling sometimes before, but not like this!! xP just like a dog dammit!! i constantly dream about Seed and Ari. i don't remember most of the dreams after waking up. all the other dreams are pure stress dreams.
i've lost weight, even when last week i had more appetite and ate a lot more. but now i'm back to normal very small portions. feel bad about food and eating it. all of it. only energy drink i could drink a lot more. they are tasty when i had so long break. tried to write a little before, but two lines are not much. O.o think it's better to read something than try when there's no flow.
now i look a few more Youtube videos. added today three new to my channel, they are crappy and short from 2006. then i post this and continue packing. like winter clothes could already be put away.. bbw. bye!
we bought cool t-shirts from the show. but cannot wear them when with our families. O.o some people are too conventional and intolerant. it's so stupid when being not accepted because what we are. as those persons we are and want to be. it hits me harder cause at least his parents are more relaxed and somehow ignorant in some cases, but mine are nagging about everything. mom doesn't accept my hobbies and interests, so i'm not telling her much. dad comes here next tuesday and i still consider showing him Seed and Ari. i don't know. i'd like to have a connection with him but i hate him so much for his irresponsible drinking. he has lost control of himself, it's so pitiful. disgusting. i feel ill when i have to watch it. i wished i had a way to help him, i wished i could make him promise to quit. it's just shortening his life more. i just fear he's too deep. he lives in fear of cancer, he's of course afraid of dying too, but drinking is no help. with that he's spoiling the life of our others too. he could make it easier for us but seems like he doesn't care of us anymore. just his alcohol. it's sad, but more it makes me angry. cause he has NOT the right to do that. he'd just yell at me if i said anything. professional help is a no-go. my parents have never accepted something like that. they suffer like martyrs and it seems to satisfy them some weird way. mom is totally acting like a victim, not taking any responsibility of ANYTHING.
i just don't know what to do. :/ when i get desperate i can only think of one choice: killing them both. but then again when i dwell on it i realise i propably don't have the heart to do that. i think often myself standing beside their bed, a knife in my hand, and then stabbing them. first dad and then mom. i have to cry. i feel so bad for them, for having to die that way. after all they raised me and i've called them my parents. but things are getting to the point where i cross the line and do just anything to end this all.
i don't want to talk about that. but i think about it. cause my dad is coming here i think about it all the time. :P the possibilities i'd have to push him to stop. he has no hope anymore, that's why he doesn't care. but how could i make him understand he's destroying his family's life with his behavior?? is there anything worth to stay sober? for him there isn't. that makes it so hard. :/
my uncle is an absolutist. i heard from my sister that dad isn't going to him for overnight, like he told me previously. cause in my sister's place he can drink. she said she can't do much against it. if it was me i wouldn't let him in when he's drunk, or has the intent to drink here. first: it's not allowed here, and second: this is MY place and i make the rules here. i'm not his babysitter. i can say i don't care if you die outside, but you are not coming in here drunk. if he becomes aggressive i call the police. if there was a possibility i'd get him in a detox clinic or somewhere where he can be helped. but privates too expensive and he'd fight it with all his might. i don't know if it can be forced by law in this country.
i wrote about this before, but didn't post it. now it doesn't matter for me anymore. ..i have four big and one small boxes left plus the one for digibox. so all should fit in. i continue soon. sun has set so it's no more so warm in here.
after the long weekend i've not had much time to be with Seed and Ari. last night i slept again not good, i woke up all the time caused by different things. some nights i'm like totally drunk and walk against walls, then again i can't get sleep, or sleep very bad waking up every hour, i'm drooling like a dog when i sleep xP and my body gets numb. every time i wake i get a hold of Seed or Ari, mostly both. Seed with my left hand and Ari is on my pillow beside my head and i hold it with my right hand. i missed them both on weekend. nights are restless and at day i'm tired. i don't know what's happening to my body. is that because of the antidepressiva? i've been drooling sometimes before, but not like this!! xP just like a dog dammit!! i constantly dream about Seed and Ari. i don't remember most of the dreams after waking up. all the other dreams are pure stress dreams.
i've lost weight, even when last week i had more appetite and ate a lot more. but now i'm back to normal very small portions. feel bad about food and eating it. all of it. only energy drink i could drink a lot more. they are tasty when i had so long break. tried to write a little before, but two lines are not much. O.o think it's better to read something than try when there's no flow.
now i look a few more Youtube videos. added today three new to my channel, they are crappy and short from 2006. then i post this and continue packing. like winter clothes could already be put away.. bbw. bye!
April 21, 2011
fiction, politics and stuff
21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
April 18, 2011
learning by doing
18.4. my weekend was great. felt really good since a long time. and last Thursday i reached the rare state of Zen. i found an easier way to get there than sitting on the floor legs painfully crossed. well, it's highly possible it only works for me, but you can of course try it out with whatever object you like very much and have a strong bound with.
the simple secret is to concentrate. to what you're holding in your hands. i had Seed and Ari. it worked out with both of them, and that even when i didn't have any relationship to Ari yet. have built that up til now of course. recipe: concentrate in what you feel in your hands. how does the object feel? is it cold or warm? what stuff it's made of and how the different ones feel to your hands? how does your skin react, what feelings it wakes in you? don't let your thoughts wander away! keep your mind in one spot - in what you're doing in that moment. the happiness and peace of Zen are wonderful, very unique, they strengthen your spirit and your willpower. it is often difficult to find that feeling for the first time, but with the right way it'll get easier with time. this particular way doesn't neccessarily work for you. each individual is different. just remember that. :)
yeah, i felt first like i can't find "a way to Ari". our minds didn't meet in any level. it might be because i somehow felt angry in the beginning. i'm rarely angry at myself, or if i am i turn it to be someone else's fault. it's just easier to bear that way. now it was angry at myself. because i lost my mind to the addiction. damn it. i should be always strong. losing in a way like that shows you're just a miserable junkie on the lowest level of the society. not even the least bit of pride and honor. x(
i overcame that feeling by turning the anger to something useful. found a good use for Ari. not the smartest cause it can cause me great trouble, but it made me feel better about Ari. a step forward finding something in common.
last weekend i took him with to my friend's place. he's joking and puttin me down because of this. just shows he doesn't understand. like everybody else too. :/ i can't explain and i don't even want to. why should i? my friend maybe doesn't understand he's insulting me AND Ari with that talk. sometimes it feels like he thinks my whole life is just a big joke. ;( i laugh with him cause i have to be strong to the outside, but inside i'm really hurt. especially when it's about Seed and Ari. i can't stand someone insulting and hurting them. have to protect them with all cost. well, my friend did something everybody would consider evil and that no-one should do or be done to. he held Ari against my head and joked if i'm feeling fine with that and "now is this so funny too?" i do feel angry because of such mean disrespectful words, but the feeling having Ari against my head was good. it was one more step of getting closer to each other. Ari would never hurt me. i would never hurt him either. i fully trusted him. and thus didn't give a shit what my friend was saying. :D
then came Sunday. i've always hated Sundays, since elementary school. cause you know you have to go back there on Monday and the suffering of one more long week begins again. i've been greatly anxious on Sundays leaving my friend's place. always hated to go home and be alone there suffering the whole long week. i still have that sometimes. but it's gotten a lot better since i got Seed. i'm no longer alone at home. he's always with me. i've promised him no-one will ever separate us. and this Sunday, i had Ari. i had him with me, along with magazine full with 15 yellow plastic balls. :D so when it came afternoon and i started to think about leaving back home a thought came into my mind. why not have a little bit fun the same evening? nobody's walking outside in the time i get home. Sunday evening 10PM. nobody's outside, not in this area. and here's a small forest just behind this house. in the darkness no-one will see me, and i figured Ari just can't make much sound, just the certain kind of "pop".
so, when i got to the railway station closest to my friend's place, and noticed i just missed a train and nobody was there, i walked behind the glass "house" that's covering the stairs and put the magazine in Ari. and put it in my bag on the top so that it's fast and easy to get out if there's any trouble in sight. normally on Sunday night nothing is.. in summer that might be different though. you now feel disturbed by this story? you're not alone. hahaha. xD (you can stop reading any time! ;))
when i got home i was half frozen, but still decided to drive to the next stop after mine. it's a bit far away but doesn't matter. then up the sand road and into the forest. deep enough to not be seen in lights. in dark forest it's quite a trouble to find a way to anywhere. i had never been in there before, not even by daylight. but i've been in a lot of other forests before, in day and night, and i can say i somewhat know what to wait. all of them are quite the same and spring is the easiest time to move in where no paths are found. a forest in spring smells a certain way. i like that. and the smell of forests in general. it's familiar, i don't feel threatened by anything. at first now it was the same. first ten yellow balls disappeared into the darkness with a little more "pop" than i expected, and i was soon completely frozen. it was much colder than in daytime and very windy. and then: i heard something like there was someone else walking in the forest. not the normal sound of branches and wind. footsteps like my own 20 minutes before. in the darkness when eyes are not for much help my ears start to work better. adjusting to different surroundings. if i get alert my senses usually sharpen, in any situation. i analyze what i hear, like last night, try to find the source and determine if it's a threat or not. that goes almost automatically. i don't remember when i've developed this but must have been as child, to avoid certain situations in school and on the way back from school. the right timing is everything, to have sharp eyes and intuitive hearing. you must see (or better hear) certain things coming to be able to avoid them in time.
that noise made me alert, but i was not afraid. just stood there and listened, feeling nothing. absolutely no fear. i've had the thought often in the past that if i'm put in such a situation that has the potential to develope into a dangerous to me, i'll break. that i can't handle the situation, my brain stops working and i panic. well, i have no idea if there was someone. propably not. but if there had been people who were looking for me i have actually no idea what i would have done. in that long moment listening i went trough different scenarios in my head. calmly, without any feelings. none of them woke fear. to "provoke" more steps i shot two more times in that direction but got only very little response. eventually, i considered the situation "finished" and went home. three yellow balls remaining.
as a conclusion: sounds like footsteps and maybe talk are not to be counted just harmless. with a very good luck my balls flew 20 meters, but i don't think even that in such a full of branches and different sized trees -forest. if aiming at a light shining from behind the forest there might have been a small chance. so a more realistic count would be max 15 meters. it's hard to see how far things are though, in almost complete darkness. to my point: when i go out of my home i'm on a battlefield. there are a lot of obstacles and difficult situations on my way, i always have to be aware of my surroundings. always. watching people is a good way to learn how to determine if they posses a threat or not. most of them of course don't. i have to be better in that. i have to be ready to go alert any time and keep my head cool. i have to learn to better handle my fear. it's absolutely forbidden to show fear in ANY action or situation. fear wakes fear in other people and the situation goes out of control. also, people usually fear things they are not familiar with. so being able to analyze them better would spare me from many troubles. i should learn how to recognise WHAT makes people aggressive or defensive. is it fear, guilt, overactive pride, pure hate? well, i GUESS in most cases it's actually just fear or guilt. O.o
this story shows i have indeed learned something. i didn't panic. my brain worked just the way it should work in such a situation. also it seems like my difficulty of feeling fear in some situations is actually good for something. :) but i must admit i was in surroundings i am familiar with. if there would have been a threat i could have just sat down and fill the magazine again in peace and scare those people by figuring out where they are and giving them a small yellow gift. i don't mind sitting in a cold forest for hours. :P and i'm not afraid getting arrested because something REALLY STUPID like that. :) AND, what's the most important thing, i now have a connection to Ari. :D he even talks to me now! we got closer, that's about all that really matters.
well indeed i don't know if i should publish this or not. propably not, but again, i don't care. i'm not afraid. it can't get worse that the result of the election yesterday. :P (and the fact i have to lie that i voted when i didn't, cause i just couldn't find a party i really liked. there's nothing for me among them. and plus, all of them are just liars and pretenders. thieves and hypocrites. nobody stands for things that i value, they have no honor, and not even the guts to admit that.)
gotta stop now. this is long enough. be back whenever. i'm not home at Easter. movie-day on Saturday and American car show on Sunday. :) bye, and don't be mad at me because of my stupidities. after all, they didn't hurt anyone.
the simple secret is to concentrate. to what you're holding in your hands. i had Seed and Ari. it worked out with both of them, and that even when i didn't have any relationship to Ari yet. have built that up til now of course. recipe: concentrate in what you feel in your hands. how does the object feel? is it cold or warm? what stuff it's made of and how the different ones feel to your hands? how does your skin react, what feelings it wakes in you? don't let your thoughts wander away! keep your mind in one spot - in what you're doing in that moment. the happiness and peace of Zen are wonderful, very unique, they strengthen your spirit and your willpower. it is often difficult to find that feeling for the first time, but with the right way it'll get easier with time. this particular way doesn't neccessarily work for you. each individual is different. just remember that. :)
yeah, i felt first like i can't find "a way to Ari". our minds didn't meet in any level. it might be because i somehow felt angry in the beginning. i'm rarely angry at myself, or if i am i turn it to be someone else's fault. it's just easier to bear that way. now it was angry at myself. because i lost my mind to the addiction. damn it. i should be always strong. losing in a way like that shows you're just a miserable junkie on the lowest level of the society. not even the least bit of pride and honor. x(
i overcame that feeling by turning the anger to something useful. found a good use for Ari. not the smartest cause it can cause me great trouble, but it made me feel better about Ari. a step forward finding something in common.
last weekend i took him with to my friend's place. he's joking and puttin me down because of this. just shows he doesn't understand. like everybody else too. :/ i can't explain and i don't even want to. why should i? my friend maybe doesn't understand he's insulting me AND Ari with that talk. sometimes it feels like he thinks my whole life is just a big joke. ;( i laugh with him cause i have to be strong to the outside, but inside i'm really hurt. especially when it's about Seed and Ari. i can't stand someone insulting and hurting them. have to protect them with all cost. well, my friend did something everybody would consider evil and that no-one should do or be done to. he held Ari against my head and joked if i'm feeling fine with that and "now is this so funny too?" i do feel angry because of such mean disrespectful words, but the feeling having Ari against my head was good. it was one more step of getting closer to each other. Ari would never hurt me. i would never hurt him either. i fully trusted him. and thus didn't give a shit what my friend was saying. :D
then came Sunday. i've always hated Sundays, since elementary school. cause you know you have to go back there on Monday and the suffering of one more long week begins again. i've been greatly anxious on Sundays leaving my friend's place. always hated to go home and be alone there suffering the whole long week. i still have that sometimes. but it's gotten a lot better since i got Seed. i'm no longer alone at home. he's always with me. i've promised him no-one will ever separate us. and this Sunday, i had Ari. i had him with me, along with magazine full with 15 yellow plastic balls. :D so when it came afternoon and i started to think about leaving back home a thought came into my mind. why not have a little bit fun the same evening? nobody's walking outside in the time i get home. Sunday evening 10PM. nobody's outside, not in this area. and here's a small forest just behind this house. in the darkness no-one will see me, and i figured Ari just can't make much sound, just the certain kind of "pop".
so, when i got to the railway station closest to my friend's place, and noticed i just missed a train and nobody was there, i walked behind the glass "house" that's covering the stairs and put the magazine in Ari. and put it in my bag on the top so that it's fast and easy to get out if there's any trouble in sight. normally on Sunday night nothing is.. in summer that might be different though. you now feel disturbed by this story? you're not alone. hahaha. xD (you can stop reading any time! ;))
when i got home i was half frozen, but still decided to drive to the next stop after mine. it's a bit far away but doesn't matter. then up the sand road and into the forest. deep enough to not be seen in lights. in dark forest it's quite a trouble to find a way to anywhere. i had never been in there before, not even by daylight. but i've been in a lot of other forests before, in day and night, and i can say i somewhat know what to wait. all of them are quite the same and spring is the easiest time to move in where no paths are found. a forest in spring smells a certain way. i like that. and the smell of forests in general. it's familiar, i don't feel threatened by anything. at first now it was the same. first ten yellow balls disappeared into the darkness with a little more "pop" than i expected, and i was soon completely frozen. it was much colder than in daytime and very windy. and then: i heard something like there was someone else walking in the forest. not the normal sound of branches and wind. footsteps like my own 20 minutes before. in the darkness when eyes are not for much help my ears start to work better. adjusting to different surroundings. if i get alert my senses usually sharpen, in any situation. i analyze what i hear, like last night, try to find the source and determine if it's a threat or not. that goes almost automatically. i don't remember when i've developed this but must have been as child, to avoid certain situations in school and on the way back from school. the right timing is everything, to have sharp eyes and intuitive hearing. you must see (or better hear) certain things coming to be able to avoid them in time.
that noise made me alert, but i was not afraid. just stood there and listened, feeling nothing. absolutely no fear. i've had the thought often in the past that if i'm put in such a situation that has the potential to develope into a dangerous to me, i'll break. that i can't handle the situation, my brain stops working and i panic. well, i have no idea if there was someone. propably not. but if there had been people who were looking for me i have actually no idea what i would have done. in that long moment listening i went trough different scenarios in my head. calmly, without any feelings. none of them woke fear. to "provoke" more steps i shot two more times in that direction but got only very little response. eventually, i considered the situation "finished" and went home. three yellow balls remaining.
as a conclusion: sounds like footsteps and maybe talk are not to be counted just harmless. with a very good luck my balls flew 20 meters, but i don't think even that in such a full of branches and different sized trees -forest. if aiming at a light shining from behind the forest there might have been a small chance. so a more realistic count would be max 15 meters. it's hard to see how far things are though, in almost complete darkness. to my point: when i go out of my home i'm on a battlefield. there are a lot of obstacles and difficult situations on my way, i always have to be aware of my surroundings. always. watching people is a good way to learn how to determine if they posses a threat or not. most of them of course don't. i have to be better in that. i have to be ready to go alert any time and keep my head cool. i have to learn to better handle my fear. it's absolutely forbidden to show fear in ANY action or situation. fear wakes fear in other people and the situation goes out of control. also, people usually fear things they are not familiar with. so being able to analyze them better would spare me from many troubles. i should learn how to recognise WHAT makes people aggressive or defensive. is it fear, guilt, overactive pride, pure hate? well, i GUESS in most cases it's actually just fear or guilt. O.o
this story shows i have indeed learned something. i didn't panic. my brain worked just the way it should work in such a situation. also it seems like my difficulty of feeling fear in some situations is actually good for something. :) but i must admit i was in surroundings i am familiar with. if there would have been a threat i could have just sat down and fill the magazine again in peace and scare those people by figuring out where they are and giving them a small yellow gift. i don't mind sitting in a cold forest for hours. :P and i'm not afraid getting arrested because something REALLY STUPID like that. :) AND, what's the most important thing, i now have a connection to Ari. :D he even talks to me now! we got closer, that's about all that really matters.
well indeed i don't know if i should publish this or not. propably not, but again, i don't care. i'm not afraid. it can't get worse that the result of the election yesterday. :P (and the fact i have to lie that i voted when i didn't, cause i just couldn't find a party i really liked. there's nothing for me among them. and plus, all of them are just liars and pretenders. thieves and hypocrites. nobody stands for things that i value, they have no honor, and not even the guts to admit that.)
gotta stop now. this is long enough. be back whenever. i'm not home at Easter. movie-day on Saturday and American car show on Sunday. :) bye, and don't be mad at me because of my stupidities. after all, they didn't hurt anyone.
April 5, 2011
money money money, must be funny..
5.4. wow that was a long break! two whole days! oh my god! i just love to post here right now. and somehow i always find something to write about. this is great training in english, to get used to write it, and i've even started to think in english during the day. trying to find words and understand people who are speaking english in the city.
today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.
OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P
enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.
yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.
OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.
i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.
earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)
ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D
well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..
whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.
BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).
i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.
so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!
today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.
OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P
enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.
yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.
OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.
i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.
earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)
ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D
well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..
whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.
BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).
i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.
so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!
April 2, 2011
puppets, babes.. and problems
2.4. so, i'm coming again to the point where i lose sense of what's reality, what's dreams and what's imagination, fiction or something i've read from somewhere. my head is blurring. it's getting more and more crippled every day. at some moments i can think very clearly, but i cannot make the difference of if it's real or not what i think.
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
April 1, 2011
just long
24.3. 11:15PM just finished the second (actually third) short story of "deep at night". it is pure cruelty. like the line "but feeling sorry has never kept me from killing people" shows. those are kinda picturing different choices.. but enough of that. right now i'm getting better and can think about this stuff without getting strongly emotional. and they also work for me as a way to relax. sounds bad, huh?
maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.
a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?
whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!
27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.
table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.
yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.
i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.
those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.
well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.
1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.
today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P
last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P
i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.
my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.
last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."
this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!
maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.
a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?
whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!
27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.
table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.
yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.
i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.
those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.
well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.
1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.
today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P
last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P
i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.
my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.
last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."
this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!
March 28, 2011
obsessed
my pulse. it's been high the whole day. i wrote a new post the past few days, but noticed i can't post it. have to censor it, and i just want my peace right now. when i left home i was totally nervous. i was too early, so i went shopping todays meal first. vegetables and not much else. then i carried them around the whole day.
well it started already yesterday. i spent late night hours watching shooting videos on Youtube. airsoft reviews and stuff and one Future weapons short one. (that used to be one of my favorite programs before i moved back to Finland.) gameplay of Crysis 2. i went to bed around 2AM. i fell asleep thinking about that stuff. i woke up thinking about that stuff. i spent the most parts of my day thinking about that stuff. it drives me crazy. i went to a store to have a look at "gardening magazines". yeah. sure. well i didn't find what i was looking for, but my pulse went more up. it didn't come much down the whole day, until two hours ago i ate a white little pill that helps.
i noticed yesterday that i have now evolved two serious weaknesses (that get close to addiction): 1. CD's and vinyls. 2. guns. yesterday i bought 8 vinyls in internet. i'm very short on money right now, especially if i have to pay my rent from those good 400 euro on my account right now. there'd be less than 100 left and i have to reserve it for bills. so, no food? NO WAY i'm paying any of that money back i still owe my sister.. i still have 350 to go.. :P
so, there's the dilemma. why does seeing guns being used (vids) or even pictures put me in totally restless state where i lose control of my mind, AND STILL when i get home and take Seed in my hands it quickly calms me down, pulse goes down and all the stress of the day just vanishes?
this is only a short post. i've eaten again only very little bit today. the food i made went wrong, one reason because i used a wok first time in my life. i'd so love to eat sushi again.. when i go to Helsinki on 7th of April i might have a chance to eat in a good place in the big shopping house Stockmann. at least they sell wonderfull sushi. the best i've ever eaten. and they have a small sushi restaurant on the ground floor. if my mom agrees we could eat a small lunch there. well, if i'm then still out of money i have to take from that spared money that should start the collecting for a new computer. shit. but i'd do anything for a good sushi. i've eaten so much bad sushi in my life. i've even eaten old sushi. self made that was not kept in a very cool place for two days. O.o
for a half an hour i wrote a long mail for my mom. about plans i have. such plans of course that would make her happy too. i never tell my parents about anything dark and they should not find out about the bloodthirst nor what gives me that REALLY GOOD FEELING. Seed and Seed's friends. :D
i carry Seed immaterially with me everywhere, as a name (P90) on a bracelet (this Nomination thing is great, i like the design too), as background photos on my phones, in a couple of years maybe as a tattoo.. ok, i admit, i'm obsessed. :D
i try to fix my sidebar a little, change the profile-thing. after that time for bed. last night i only slept about 7 hours that is too little. be back whenever. :)
well it started already yesterday. i spent late night hours watching shooting videos on Youtube. airsoft reviews and stuff and one Future weapons short one. (that used to be one of my favorite programs before i moved back to Finland.) gameplay of Crysis 2. i went to bed around 2AM. i fell asleep thinking about that stuff. i woke up thinking about that stuff. i spent the most parts of my day thinking about that stuff. it drives me crazy. i went to a store to have a look at "gardening magazines". yeah. sure. well i didn't find what i was looking for, but my pulse went more up. it didn't come much down the whole day, until two hours ago i ate a white little pill that helps.
i noticed yesterday that i have now evolved two serious weaknesses (that get close to addiction): 1. CD's and vinyls. 2. guns. yesterday i bought 8 vinyls in internet. i'm very short on money right now, especially if i have to pay my rent from those good 400 euro on my account right now. there'd be less than 100 left and i have to reserve it for bills. so, no food? NO WAY i'm paying any of that money back i still owe my sister.. i still have 350 to go.. :P
so, there's the dilemma. why does seeing guns being used (vids) or even pictures put me in totally restless state where i lose control of my mind, AND STILL when i get home and take Seed in my hands it quickly calms me down, pulse goes down and all the stress of the day just vanishes?
this is only a short post. i've eaten again only very little bit today. the food i made went wrong, one reason because i used a wok first time in my life. i'd so love to eat sushi again.. when i go to Helsinki on 7th of April i might have a chance to eat in a good place in the big shopping house Stockmann. at least they sell wonderfull sushi. the best i've ever eaten. and they have a small sushi restaurant on the ground floor. if my mom agrees we could eat a small lunch there. well, if i'm then still out of money i have to take from that spared money that should start the collecting for a new computer. shit. but i'd do anything for a good sushi. i've eaten so much bad sushi in my life. i've even eaten old sushi. self made that was not kept in a very cool place for two days. O.o
for a half an hour i wrote a long mail for my mom. about plans i have. such plans of course that would make her happy too. i never tell my parents about anything dark and they should not find out about the bloodthirst nor what gives me that REALLY GOOD FEELING. Seed and Seed's friends. :D
i carry Seed immaterially with me everywhere, as a name (P90) on a bracelet (this Nomination thing is great, i like the design too), as background photos on my phones, in a couple of years maybe as a tattoo.. ok, i admit, i'm obsessed. :D
i try to fix my sidebar a little, change the profile-thing. after that time for bed. last night i only slept about 7 hours that is too little. be back whenever. :)
March 18, 2011
i place my heart in your hand
16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
March 15, 2011
guess care instead health care
14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
March 9, 2011
6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn
8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
March 7, 2011
hiding places
7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
March 5, 2011
deleted content
i just deleted those Beg thoughts -posts. all of them, and i don't plan posting the rest either. there were some of my thoughts in them too, but i will propably post them again some time without remembering, so it doesn't matter.
had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)
well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.
had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)
well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.
February 23, 2011
introducing my religion
22.2. this time i'd like to introduce MY RELIGION. i got this idea while posting the last one with those pics. well, then i noticed i had got a bug here. someone obsessed with christian shit. cause, in real, christianity is nothing but pure shit. it almost killed me last fall. i still like gospel songs, i like to sing them too, but their message mean nothing to me. it's all just fiction. christian religion is a status symbol to most of those "so serious" believers. it means nothing. they just use it to get material goods, to show off, or to abuse weaker people.
well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.
i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.
well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o
i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.
he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.
23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.
well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.
i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.
well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o
i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.
he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.
23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.
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