28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
Showing posts with label problem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label problem. Show all posts
June 28, 2011
May 6, 2011
how to NOT use chlorite
6.5. to wash the bathroom floor with chlorite was the worst idea i've had in a long time. xP i DO NOT recommend it to anyone. i'd have needed a gas mask, i breathed it about ten minutes and after that i was sure this is the end. now i have all windows open and have gained back some of my sense of smell. but still everything smells like chlorite. closed the bathroom door because it has own air circulating slit, but don't think it'll help much. have to open it sometime, after it gets better in other rooms. smells like in swimming hall, only a lot stronger. :P i never do that again. i swear. inhaling glue intentionally is nothing compared to this shit.
i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.
on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.
.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.
really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..
i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.
on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.
.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.
really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..
April 2, 2011
puppets, babes.. and problems
2.4. so, i'm coming again to the point where i lose sense of what's reality, what's dreams and what's imagination, fiction or something i've read from somewhere. my head is blurring. it's getting more and more crippled every day. at some moments i can think very clearly, but i cannot make the difference of if it's real or not what i think.
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
March 22, 2011
my kind pt 1
21.3. the words of Richard Martinez, "The Night Stalker" of California in mid-80's: "I was attracted by killers, crimes and death already at the age of 12 to 13."
so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.
since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.
at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.
i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.
i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".
well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..
i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?
22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.
the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P
have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.
well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.
so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.
since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.
at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.
i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.
i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".
well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..
i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?
22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.
the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P
have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.
well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.
March 15, 2011
guess care instead health care
14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
February 1, 2011
samurai style
30.1. does this sound somehow familiar?
"When a samurai was at home his swords decorated the most visible place in work- or guestroom, always ready for use. At night the swords guarded his head. The swords were given names and they were worshipped. ... To produce a sword was a religious seremony and skilled swordsmiths ... were blessed by gods and were even thought to be kami by themselves." *)
well there are a lot of historical theories and philosophies that i once have learned/read about, and then forgotten, and it seems like i have very well melted some of them to become part of my own philosophy. :)
since a couple of days i'm quite stressed because of a few things, one is troubling me a lot. my future. i don't have one, it seems. :/ i might get one, but for that i should be really brave, and i'm just so scared of everything. :/ but continuing like this will end in suicide some day.
whatever, now i'm home again after weekend and should get some rest mentally and physically before leaving to see my parents on wednesday. tomorrow i have to clean my room. i last time did in october. O_o and last time i had about three months break in cleaning was sometime in 2003 when sick, or 2004-5 when dramatically deep depressed. well i don't think i ever had this long break at all.. and, i have technic to play with: search again for tv channels cause they change, install a music software, transfer photos from camera and mobile phone, write something if time left. there's nothing to eat but instant noodles, but they'll do. i've had tortillas 3 days in a row.
so, now have to go to bed. Seed will guard my head when i sleep. :)
*) source: Ilmari Vesterinen: Lohikäärme ja krysanteemi, 1988; translation and underlining my own.
"When a samurai was at home his swords decorated the most visible place in work- or guestroom, always ready for use. At night the swords guarded his head. The swords were given names and they were worshipped. ... To produce a sword was a religious seremony and skilled swordsmiths ... were blessed by gods and were even thought to be kami by themselves." *)
well there are a lot of historical theories and philosophies that i once have learned/read about, and then forgotten, and it seems like i have very well melted some of them to become part of my own philosophy. :)
since a couple of days i'm quite stressed because of a few things, one is troubling me a lot. my future. i don't have one, it seems. :/ i might get one, but for that i should be really brave, and i'm just so scared of everything. :/ but continuing like this will end in suicide some day.
whatever, now i'm home again after weekend and should get some rest mentally and physically before leaving to see my parents on wednesday. tomorrow i have to clean my room. i last time did in october. O_o and last time i had about three months break in cleaning was sometime in 2003 when sick, or 2004-5 when dramatically deep depressed. well i don't think i ever had this long break at all.. and, i have technic to play with: search again for tv channels cause they change, install a music software, transfer photos from camera and mobile phone, write something if time left. there's nothing to eat but instant noodles, but they'll do. i've had tortillas 3 days in a row.
so, now have to go to bed. Seed will guard my head when i sleep. :)
*) source: Ilmari Vesterinen: Lohikäärme ja krysanteemi, 1988; translation and underlining my own.
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