14.7. In the middle of the night. This is MY time.
I started watching Army of Two vids. I like that game really a lot. I've played it with a friend on his XBOX 360, but I never really got used to the pad. I just don't understand how it works. All the games I've played before were on PC. Still, we got quite far. First the training where I tried my best to learn the basic controls, but a long time I could not really move smoothly cause of that damn round thing that is used to move on the pad. I always turn it wrong, it feels totally unlogical and I can't turn around and move the camera position at the same time. Then we moved to the point he got stuck with his AI. We got through that point and I found a solution to a problem he didn't get through (propably cause the AI is sometimes a dumbass, and it was somewhat tricky), then we even got to the second last mission or whatever it was, but didn't get through. My friend always had to take my pad to save himself. :P But I played it with my eyes glued to the screen more than three hours without noticing time passing, and when we gave up my both arms were totally numb from sitting in a totally wrong position. Later he tried it with another friend (also a woman but she's playing mostly on PC and is a friend of "brainless shooting games" like my friend always says - but I don't understand what's wrong with them, great way to relax), and it took more than an hour to get through the point where we got stuck. Respawning enemies and not a good place to use aggro. Eventually they finished the game.
Well, I'd like to play that with someone too. With an AI it's always a little stupid cause even in strategy the AI mostly doesn't go where they should go, it's annoying. And in some FPS they start camping and you have to do all the work. But I have right now another problem than the not existing PC. My motorics have lost everyting they once knew. I have played many things with only keyboard (at those times when mouse was not that useful yet), but that's a very long time ago. It's also at least 6 years since I last time played strategy. Damn. And if I don't have a PC I can't train the controls, and if I can't train it's useless to even try fast pace games. I'd die every second. I can follow them with my eyes, I see things those people making those vids don't see. "Shit he missed that box of ammo." "Shit he missed those meds." "Why didn't he notice there was a doctor in the place he just was in, when he always says he desparately needs a doctor?" "Why didn't he check out that or that box?" "If he is looking for a new gun why does he all the time miss those he likes when he's running around?" "And shit he missed that ammo box again." After I started with Crysis 2 some time ago (a long while ago to be exact) I could hardly keep up with the pace. So I quit it for a while. Halo is too fast for me anyway. As game Halo is at all not nearly as interesting than the world around the game. I've seen my friend playing both of them and even he has problems keeping up with that tempo.
Well, I have planned clearly how to start with my training to get better motorics. Cause Second life is not running on my laptop I guess I have to give it up. It has a lag that makes me wish I had Windows 3.11, even that would be faster. So, when I get my PC I first put it together (and I don't want such that "everybody" would buy, I want a somewhat customised one, that fits for my purpose that is 80% playing and 20% photo manipulating. I know it will cost, but I'm ready for that. Still, 600 euro is the highest price), install the security stuff - and I don't want that fucking F-Secure, it's rubbish - and update everything, and I will not have it connected to my laptop as long as I'm using the internet here. My stick would break together every minute if trying to play something online, so I'll have to buy a modem too sometime.
Then, I have Spore. It fits perfectly to train controls like moving around and such. When I'm somewhat done with it I move to Fallout 3. It's my alltime favourite. ^^ And it's not very fast paced. I have a clear plan about what to do in it in the beginning to get the most out of it (and yes, I'm playing it with evil karma). I'm female but I'll play it clearly with male character. Not as vulnerable, takes more hits. The female character can move faster and jump higher but I'm a tank.
After that I can move to those more FPS. And one thing I hate is 3rd person view. Before I always got seasick about that. I've slowly gotten use to that but it's so difficult to figure out what's going on when you only see someone's back. The camera is moving uncontrollable. I have to move my eyes too much in different directions.
I don't think I'll be good in any game for a very long time. But I like them. And when seeing a video I get the strong feeling I really want to play that by myself. This is something I have missed. Long time ago as teenager me and my brother could play the old Wolfenstein on my uncles computer. Our parents didn't like that. I don't know anymore if they ever where there as we played. My mom dislikes just any game nowadays. I guess she'd even hate Farmville, if she'd use Facebook... O_o But that time I got good critic, even when I never finished the game like my brother. He tried it as many times as it took to finish. I just gave up when it got too difficult. Still, I always remember what my uncle said to me: "You are a good killer." ^^ It boosted up my selfconfidence that was extremely low at that time. I have remembered it, and I want to become that again. I could pick targets fast and get them killed and then searched every corner for secrets and treasures. I've always liked to loot everything. Although I got some really bad dreams from that game (not only that, but the rest came from school and my that time very sick and psychotic mind, god I'm happy that's gone). In games I like sniping. It has something that fits my personality. I can wait for hours and it's fun to pick targets from far away and blast their heads off without them noticing where that bullet came from. Well small birds have whispered to me that "no-one" really likes sniping.. Hmmm..
Guess I should go to bed. It's over 2PM.. And pray my holy guardians to give me peace and strength. Also my body temperature is shooting up and down again, that's not a good sign. Bye.
17.7. Late evening: I have been feeling better, so I thought I might be able to take 2 x 40cl energy drink. We will see what effects it has. It could bring me to the same fucking state I was in Thursday, Friday and yesterday. Whatever. I relax with Fallout 3 evil karma videos. It's the only thing that relaxes me right now. Had to cut down medication dose and leave another one completely away. Try to get an appointment to any doctor tomorrow. To get their blessing on my self made changes.
I got a giant problem today that's bringing me in great trouble in August if I don't find a solution very soon. More pressure. More and more pressure all the time. More and more nightmares. More and more tired, depressed, unable to do anything. I'm totally stuck. I take care of Maru, that's all, I don't care about myself anymore.
My blood pressure got measured on Friday and it was too low. Guess it's better now. I try to eat some meal every day. Thought about buying a new mouse for my new computer. I should go into shops and look for PC's, or ask what kind of compilations they could order me and what do they cost. A customised one is saving me from doing all that by myself. Not that I couldn't do that, it's just sometimes annoying to do all the same things over and over again, uninstall shit and install what I want. I don't want any stupid Office for home that costs millions, I can use Open Office etc. I want to have those I need, no useless extras. Can't explain this really. Hope you get the point anyway. Have to buy some programs for it anyway. And a new screen. Am thinking how to arrange my living room so that I don't need to buy a new computer desk. This one has place for one more - if I put the monitor somewhere else that's directly in front of the keyboard that's the only thing despite mouse that can be used on this (cause this is made for laptops) table. The box goes under the table anyway. I get a modem and pull the cable from entrance to here, it makes a straight line when I put this table to opposite position. I also have then more place for my legs.. After that I'll only use the laptop when travelling. I use it right now at least 5 hours every day, mostly more than that. I hate it that the internet connection breaks down every few hours. On daytime it's useless to be online. Late evening and night are much better. All the other users of this network are sleeping. A new modem could cost about 79 euro. That's one price I got when asking from one shop. The next one comes when that guy calls me back this coming week.
--
Some text messaging. I have started to dislike it. I have started to dislike everything that has to do with my family and previous friends. Don't know if it's just this depression again. I'm just tired of all that talk. I'd like to cut all contact for a while. Guess that's what I'm gonna do now. Keep a break. I have thought about deleting all my forever inactive family members and friends from my messenger list. I'll do it now. I won't be using Facebook (you can't see anything in my profile there anyway) and maybe stop updating blogs. I'd have something to say throughoutly, but I just think no-one's interested. So let it be. I'll be online for sure, but using mostly Youtube and maybe some other sites, I might start using some message boards again. If you got my messenger ID you can find me there. Otherwise, happy rest of July.
Showing posts with label games. Show all posts
Showing posts with label games. Show all posts
July 17, 2011
July 14, 2011
The Coke Song Revisited
Yes, that has happened. Although I only have two lines yet. And this is how it goes:
"I'd like to buy a BFG and show the world my love, I'd kill some people every day and punish them with war..."
The real one begins with "I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love..." You surely find the lyrics with that as google search.
And whatever people might say, it's called BIG FUCKING GUN, and nothing else. ^^
I could link here that thing that eats a hole in my wallet, but maybe later. Just keep my mouth shut for now. I got more money today anyway, so I'm no more in that big trouble. My life is saved til September.
"I'd like to buy a BFG and show the world my love, I'd kill some people every day and punish them with war..."
The real one begins with "I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love..." You surely find the lyrics with that as google search.
And whatever people might say, it's called BIG FUCKING GUN, and nothing else. ^^
I could link here that thing that eats a hole in my wallet, but maybe later. Just keep my mouth shut for now. I got more money today anyway, so I'm no more in that big trouble. My life is saved til September.
July 3, 2011
I like Modern Warfare 2
3.7. I'm eating blueberries my mom picked for me this morning. Not those big ones grown on farms. These are from the forest behind their house. Taste much better. :) There are also a few forest strawberries. Good and sweet. Here on the big yard there are some growing too. Planted extra so people living here can eat them. Til now I've seen nobody else eat them than me.
My cat Maru is now here. Today my dad brought a net for the balcony door so he doesn't fall down. He's sitting before it most of the time. Every time someone walks by the sand path close to the house he must go and look. All the new noises and smells. Before when he noticed here was a fly he chased it with light speed and meowed a lot. Didn't catch it. But he really tried. So much sport, and I don't need to do anything. xD He has also started eating better. First day, on Friday, he only ate sausage casings, and yesterday mostly pieces of sausages I gave him. Today already some wet food with his medicine, and now in the evening he ate again most of the wet food and it looked like he had eaten the medicine again. Well, it should be tasty for most cats and dogs. I let that food stand there overnight if he eats it sometime at night. Tomorrow he gets more of his special food. I got 4 bags of it, 8 kg alltogether. He also has learned to drink water, so his body doesn't dry like when he'd only eat the dry food. I try to teach him a certain feeding routine. He also uses his toilet regularly, about once a day. My whole bathroom stinks of cat shit, but it doesn't matter. I've gotten used to it and his food smell already. "Been there, done that." :D
I have somehow panicked each day now since he's here. Have to get used to him and it'll take some time. First day I felt awful and thought I can never take care of a living thing. It's too difficult. But then I remembered he's just a cat. I know a lot about cats. This one is a little challenge because his sickness (overly moving joints in hind legs), he has to eat his medicine twice every day, has to eat this special food a lot and if it gets worse I need lots of money for vet bills. But I'm really ready for this, I think now. I still panic easily, but other moments I just want to give him a loving home where he can spend his "last years" (this was the reason why I didn't need to pay the normal fee of 50 euro).. I think he'll live AT LEAST ten more years. He's jumping a lot and doesn't seem to have pains. I just have to learn a way to lift him up. I maybe hurt him once while he tried to climb on me and I took him up like a little child and didn't get good hold of his legs. Next time I try it different way.
Right now he's laying beside me on a place I made for him from some towels. As close to a human as possible. These blueberries taste really good. :) I also try to teach Maru not to play with peoples hands. He scratches, even I got a small wound, the first time he did it to me. Now I make a noise he doesn't like everytime he tries to do that, and say "no" in finnish or german. Seems to not work well til now. 30 seconds and he has forgotten what was wrong. O-O Maybe he eventually learns it.
He seems to like some salty and spicy food. He licked my plate after I ate the rest of my steak from yesterday. But I don't want to give him much of that. It's too spicy and could make harm to him. There's cat food and it's also a little bit salty (I tasted some). I also mixed some of the dry food with the wet food to make him more interested in it. Tonight he maybe gets little bit of the dry food cause he likes to eat at night. I get awake every time he starts to crunch. Last night he gave us only little peace. Always jumping on bed and meowing. Now all the guests are gone so maybe he's calmer.
Oh well, drinking from the sink. Dirty water can be so tasty. At least I don't let him drink from the toilet. I washed it yesterday but today it's dirty again. I don't want him to catch any bacteria.
Sorry that this is all about Maru. For the beginning he's the middle of my life. Until we get used to each other and find a suitable rhytm of living. I try to not feed him too much, that means only one bag wet food a day, or half bag wet food and second half dry food. He just needs to eat two pills each day. He didn't seem to like seafood. And I bought a package of 12 bags of seafood. I try to feed it sometime in between all the chicken-mixtures and meat and if it doesn't work I'll give them to mom cause her cat loves fish and shrimps.
It was so hot today it's nice to feel the cool evening breeze. Although it's slowly getting too cold. Think I stay awake a little longer today. At the airport I felt awfully sad. Even when my ex is sometimes a pain in the ass I did live long together with him and sometimes it's still fun when we visit each other. I really had to try hard to look happy. :/ I won't see him until August, and then again a break til January next year. Heh, looks like Maru didn't like the music of Yanni and went to sleeping corner. Good chance to take the net from the window and water my summer plants.
*
He was very brave, only interested of my flowers. Now he seems to be eating the rest of his meal. Good boy. :) And I quit this now and go do something else. Have a new wallpaper: Fallout New Vegas artwork from IGN.com. They have mostly screenshots but some awesome artwork too. This one has ruined old cars, ruined houses and a motel sign, desert and behind some mountains. Nice evening sky, not such green mist like in Fallout 3. That greeny stuff was part of the games unique athmosphere and one thing why I like it so much. There are mods that change that and also bring in growing trees and grasses. And what not.
Yesterday I wrote some to my "new paper diary". I don't write there often, only when I feel like it. This time I wrote about how nice Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is made, cause I watched a couple of those videos. I like it, how much ever some people say it's just a narrow tunnel or experience train that doesn't leave place for making own decisions. Well, it IS very fast forward, but I have to say I'm not yet quite far. And I'm not sure if I'd buy it (well, I should be saving money for a new computer and instead it's flowing into catsand and house cleaning equipment) even when I could play something (see the previous note). MY reflexes are not very good right now. They are better than a year ago, but I'm still far from what I once used to be. Damn. BUT. I like that game. It has nice guns. And there was my writings point: I call them nice, or even beautiful sometimes (like that one SMG), and then I think what would my parents say. xD Somehow I now often get the need to shake their intolerant pants.. They do so as if they were the most pacific people on earth. (I've complained about this before.) Especially mom thinks all games are bad for psyche and make people go crazy and cause bad dreams. (O-o) She'd flip out if she saw me watching videos about "killing/war games". Or even play them by myself. Heh. So, what would she do if she found out I have two "horrible bad personifications of violence" at home? xD xD xD
I just have this kind of attitude towards my parents. Have developed it cause there are so many things in my life they don't accept or understand. So I'm not telling them more than is needed. I laugh at their very narrow world view. Mom is intentionally shutting her eyes and ears from all the evil in the world. And dad drinks to drown his worries and fear. So, I have let go of them already. Eventually they will die. Eventually I won't have parents anymore. I have to live with it. It's part of life. So I'm not making it even more difficult for myself than it already is. I have my life, they have theirs.
And I'd so like to shock them - even once! xD
Somehow I've had this need to shock people for some time now.. Don't know where it comes from. Cause I had to suppress my real self and real feelings for so long?
And, when I told mom at midsummer one day that I had really violent dreams she immediately thought I have watched some videos of butchering people or "these horrible game videos" etc. Oh god. I never get nightmares of games. These ones were caused by extreme stress and cause I had to spend three and half days with intolerant stoneage people. Just anyone would get eager to kill..
Tired of thinking all this crap.
Quit now and post this some time later.
My cat Maru is now here. Today my dad brought a net for the balcony door so he doesn't fall down. He's sitting before it most of the time. Every time someone walks by the sand path close to the house he must go and look. All the new noises and smells. Before when he noticed here was a fly he chased it with light speed and meowed a lot. Didn't catch it. But he really tried. So much sport, and I don't need to do anything. xD He has also started eating better. First day, on Friday, he only ate sausage casings, and yesterday mostly pieces of sausages I gave him. Today already some wet food with his medicine, and now in the evening he ate again most of the wet food and it looked like he had eaten the medicine again. Well, it should be tasty for most cats and dogs. I let that food stand there overnight if he eats it sometime at night. Tomorrow he gets more of his special food. I got 4 bags of it, 8 kg alltogether. He also has learned to drink water, so his body doesn't dry like when he'd only eat the dry food. I try to teach him a certain feeding routine. He also uses his toilet regularly, about once a day. My whole bathroom stinks of cat shit, but it doesn't matter. I've gotten used to it and his food smell already. "Been there, done that." :D
I have somehow panicked each day now since he's here. Have to get used to him and it'll take some time. First day I felt awful and thought I can never take care of a living thing. It's too difficult. But then I remembered he's just a cat. I know a lot about cats. This one is a little challenge because his sickness (overly moving joints in hind legs), he has to eat his medicine twice every day, has to eat this special food a lot and if it gets worse I need lots of money for vet bills. But I'm really ready for this, I think now. I still panic easily, but other moments I just want to give him a loving home where he can spend his "last years" (this was the reason why I didn't need to pay the normal fee of 50 euro).. I think he'll live AT LEAST ten more years. He's jumping a lot and doesn't seem to have pains. I just have to learn a way to lift him up. I maybe hurt him once while he tried to climb on me and I took him up like a little child and didn't get good hold of his legs. Next time I try it different way.
Right now he's laying beside me on a place I made for him from some towels. As close to a human as possible. These blueberries taste really good. :) I also try to teach Maru not to play with peoples hands. He scratches, even I got a small wound, the first time he did it to me. Now I make a noise he doesn't like everytime he tries to do that, and say "no" in finnish or german. Seems to not work well til now. 30 seconds and he has forgotten what was wrong. O-O Maybe he eventually learns it.
He seems to like some salty and spicy food. He licked my plate after I ate the rest of my steak from yesterday. But I don't want to give him much of that. It's too spicy and could make harm to him. There's cat food and it's also a little bit salty (I tasted some). I also mixed some of the dry food with the wet food to make him more interested in it. Tonight he maybe gets little bit of the dry food cause he likes to eat at night. I get awake every time he starts to crunch. Last night he gave us only little peace. Always jumping on bed and meowing. Now all the guests are gone so maybe he's calmer.
Oh well, drinking from the sink. Dirty water can be so tasty. At least I don't let him drink from the toilet. I washed it yesterday but today it's dirty again. I don't want him to catch any bacteria.
Sorry that this is all about Maru. For the beginning he's the middle of my life. Until we get used to each other and find a suitable rhytm of living. I try to not feed him too much, that means only one bag wet food a day, or half bag wet food and second half dry food. He just needs to eat two pills each day. He didn't seem to like seafood. And I bought a package of 12 bags of seafood. I try to feed it sometime in between all the chicken-mixtures and meat and if it doesn't work I'll give them to mom cause her cat loves fish and shrimps.
It was so hot today it's nice to feel the cool evening breeze. Although it's slowly getting too cold. Think I stay awake a little longer today. At the airport I felt awfully sad. Even when my ex is sometimes a pain in the ass I did live long together with him and sometimes it's still fun when we visit each other. I really had to try hard to look happy. :/ I won't see him until August, and then again a break til January next year. Heh, looks like Maru didn't like the music of Yanni and went to sleeping corner. Good chance to take the net from the window and water my summer plants.
*
He was very brave, only interested of my flowers. Now he seems to be eating the rest of his meal. Good boy. :) And I quit this now and go do something else. Have a new wallpaper: Fallout New Vegas artwork from IGN.com. They have mostly screenshots but some awesome artwork too. This one has ruined old cars, ruined houses and a motel sign, desert and behind some mountains. Nice evening sky, not such green mist like in Fallout 3. That greeny stuff was part of the games unique athmosphere and one thing why I like it so much. There are mods that change that and also bring in growing trees and grasses. And what not.
Yesterday I wrote some to my "new paper diary". I don't write there often, only when I feel like it. This time I wrote about how nice Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is made, cause I watched a couple of those videos. I like it, how much ever some people say it's just a narrow tunnel or experience train that doesn't leave place for making own decisions. Well, it IS very fast forward, but I have to say I'm not yet quite far. And I'm not sure if I'd buy it (well, I should be saving money for a new computer and instead it's flowing into catsand and house cleaning equipment) even when I could play something (see the previous note). MY reflexes are not very good right now. They are better than a year ago, but I'm still far from what I once used to be. Damn. BUT. I like that game. It has nice guns. And there was my writings point: I call them nice, or even beautiful sometimes (like that one SMG), and then I think what would my parents say. xD Somehow I now often get the need to shake their intolerant pants.. They do so as if they were the most pacific people on earth. (I've complained about this before.) Especially mom thinks all games are bad for psyche and make people go crazy and cause bad dreams. (O-o) She'd flip out if she saw me watching videos about "killing/war games". Or even play them by myself. Heh. So, what would she do if she found out I have two "horrible bad personifications of violence" at home? xD xD xD
I just have this kind of attitude towards my parents. Have developed it cause there are so many things in my life they don't accept or understand. So I'm not telling them more than is needed. I laugh at their very narrow world view. Mom is intentionally shutting her eyes and ears from all the evil in the world. And dad drinks to drown his worries and fear. So, I have let go of them already. Eventually they will die. Eventually I won't have parents anymore. I have to live with it. It's part of life. So I'm not making it even more difficult for myself than it already is. I have my life, they have theirs.
And I'd so like to shock them - even once! xD
Somehow I've had this need to shock people for some time now.. Don't know where it comes from. Cause I had to suppress my real self and real feelings for so long?
And, when I told mom at midsummer one day that I had really violent dreams she immediately thought I have watched some videos of butchering people or "these horrible game videos" etc. Oh god. I never get nightmares of games. These ones were caused by extreme stress and cause I had to spend three and half days with intolerant stoneage people. Just anyone would get eager to kill..
Tired of thinking all this crap.
Quit now and post this some time later.
May 23, 2011
Fallout 3 & New Vegas fanfic
23.5. guess i wrote some crazy shit last time.. O_o i'm not like that always, so that you know it. it just sometimes hits me. that way of thinking. might sound pretty unrealistic, feet off the ground or something, but it's actually useful. i'm not getting ready for a war.. well, at least i'm not admitting it, you get that over my dead body. :D but just in case.. evil thinking is in my nature. and to be a collector-hunter like people were some 10000 years ago.. ..forgot what i was saying. was not important then.
as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.
Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.
Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.
Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.
that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.
and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.
think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)
if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.
well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!
as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.
Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.
Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.
Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.
that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.
and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.
think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)
if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.
well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!
May 1, 2011
not a lot left
1.5. up and down you turn me..
i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.
i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.
should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)
my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.
i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.
tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.
after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.
well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??
enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.
in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.
Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad
i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.
i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.
should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)
my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.
i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.
tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.
after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.
well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??
enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.
in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.
Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad
April 28, 2011
don't touch my balls!!
28.4. you're not gonna touch my balls, you're not gonna touch my balls.. it's such a catchy melody! :D
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
April 27, 2011
games & random
27.4. all the time i'm confused which day is today. damn Easter. found something so awful it's really cool:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-kaVc7QTI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY2xipjzamQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9Xvpjsbxk&feature=related
:DDD
just my internet is on it's limits with download. speed has gone to minimum that is really slow, right now i have 7 videos loading and good speed is reached with maximum 3. O_o
looks like the sun has just set. it's 9PM. SUMMER!! my skin went off from my right knuckles when hitting the wall yesterday. it's strange. i don't feel that. no pain. nothing. i guess i wasn't hitting hard enough and the wall is not what i prefer. it's too smooth. (don't try this at home! it's a way i calm down when i'm stressed or aggressive. this time none of them. just for fun.) so i'm not satisfied with the result. it kinda burns when hot water touches those places where skin got off, but that doesn't disturb me at all. i've had that in different places of my body, especially my hands, too often. i'm aware that it's damaging my hands, there's already some changes, but i don't give a shit. it's not like i wouldn't care for my body, but scars and damage and such are a part of me. i wouldn't call that selfdestructive like most people do when i tell them. after all, it's better to hit a wall than a person, right?
right now i'm just happy to see some Fallout 3 videos again. had a long break with all other stuff. have to wake up early again tomorrow but i just don't care. missed something today because couldn't wake up in time, but i go there again next week. and the week after next week. my scedule is full for the half of May at least, until the week 20 and there's something too. and i'm again totally broke. :P 20 euros cash and that should be enough for about three weeks.
haven't been watching TV in a while. there'd sure be something interesting, but i'm glued to my computer. all the time i'm adding vids to "watch later" in Youtube, watching them and adding new, watching all kinds of music, a lot of games and guns. i was somewhat stressed last week for some reason, haven't slept good or enough in a while. there's something wrong with my body and i don't know what it is. if i don't take enough meds i don't sleep well and if i take it's hard to wake up. but tomorrow i get my hair cut finally. it's too long already for weeks.
have had a few ideas for forthcoming videos. i'll buy a webcam sometime when i get money again. i hate to be broke every month. and this time it's just because i had so many must-buys lately. today new jeans, 45 euros. can't believe that. such amount of supermarket jeans! the rest i bought were two packages of soya yoghurt, two energy drinks, cheese, three different noodle soups, an airsoft magazine. that was expensive too. actually i didn't have the money for it, but when the new one is in the shelf i just have to have it.. it's british so most of the stuff is british and they have different laws (Finland is quite.. umm.. relaxed when it comes to age limits. basically there are none. i think there should be. to keep the children and responsible adults who like it more serious apart. in my heart i'm not for more restrictions, but there should be age limits after how powerful different guns are. for example in Japan they have an own class for kids 10+.), but it's interesting to read and a good way to learn english and new words. :) only i have to keep myself from reading all at once, like with the games-magazine too that a friend (thank you again!) pays for me. i can live long with only porridge, dry bread and bad tasting selfmade chili from deepfreezer, but i have to have something for my soul. :)
now i have only 4 vids, two are done with loading, one is halfway, one i just started. 10 minutes each, from my favorite walkthrough maker SSoHPKC. :) he was the first i found making enough and good Fallout 3 walkthroughs with good and funny commentary. the whole last summer i was watching them. :) i'm so happy i got internet at home, finally. i'm only worried if i can pay the bills if i have this kind of money situation every damn month. (so watch yourself: don't get caught without a ticket in train again!!)
back to my ideas, there has to be a "walkthrough" in my new home, and updates to it each time i buy a new piece of furniture or change something. my home is a mirror of my soul. i also want to make a proper one introducing my friends Seed and Ari, and one about my favorite things like models, books and such. walking in a forest with my camera is also a good idea.
but now i think i quit writing. actually i should be sleeping right now. :P til l8tr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-kaVc7QTI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY2xipjzamQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9Xvpjsbxk&feature=related
:DDD
just my internet is on it's limits with download. speed has gone to minimum that is really slow, right now i have 7 videos loading and good speed is reached with maximum 3. O_o
looks like the sun has just set. it's 9PM. SUMMER!! my skin went off from my right knuckles when hitting the wall yesterday. it's strange. i don't feel that. no pain. nothing. i guess i wasn't hitting hard enough and the wall is not what i prefer. it's too smooth. (don't try this at home! it's a way i calm down when i'm stressed or aggressive. this time none of them. just for fun.) so i'm not satisfied with the result. it kinda burns when hot water touches those places where skin got off, but that doesn't disturb me at all. i've had that in different places of my body, especially my hands, too often. i'm aware that it's damaging my hands, there's already some changes, but i don't give a shit. it's not like i wouldn't care for my body, but scars and damage and such are a part of me. i wouldn't call that selfdestructive like most people do when i tell them. after all, it's better to hit a wall than a person, right?
right now i'm just happy to see some Fallout 3 videos again. had a long break with all other stuff. have to wake up early again tomorrow but i just don't care. missed something today because couldn't wake up in time, but i go there again next week. and the week after next week. my scedule is full for the half of May at least, until the week 20 and there's something too. and i'm again totally broke. :P 20 euros cash and that should be enough for about three weeks.
haven't been watching TV in a while. there'd sure be something interesting, but i'm glued to my computer. all the time i'm adding vids to "watch later" in Youtube, watching them and adding new, watching all kinds of music, a lot of games and guns. i was somewhat stressed last week for some reason, haven't slept good or enough in a while. there's something wrong with my body and i don't know what it is. if i don't take enough meds i don't sleep well and if i take it's hard to wake up. but tomorrow i get my hair cut finally. it's too long already for weeks.
have had a few ideas for forthcoming videos. i'll buy a webcam sometime when i get money again. i hate to be broke every month. and this time it's just because i had so many must-buys lately. today new jeans, 45 euros. can't believe that. such amount of supermarket jeans! the rest i bought were two packages of soya yoghurt, two energy drinks, cheese, three different noodle soups, an airsoft magazine. that was expensive too. actually i didn't have the money for it, but when the new one is in the shelf i just have to have it.. it's british so most of the stuff is british and they have different laws (Finland is quite.. umm.. relaxed when it comes to age limits. basically there are none. i think there should be. to keep the children and responsible adults who like it more serious apart. in my heart i'm not for more restrictions, but there should be age limits after how powerful different guns are. for example in Japan they have an own class for kids 10+.), but it's interesting to read and a good way to learn english and new words. :) only i have to keep myself from reading all at once, like with the games-magazine too that a friend (thank you again!) pays for me. i can live long with only porridge, dry bread and bad tasting selfmade chili from deepfreezer, but i have to have something for my soul. :)
now i have only 4 vids, two are done with loading, one is halfway, one i just started. 10 minutes each, from my favorite walkthrough maker SSoHPKC. :) he was the first i found making enough and good Fallout 3 walkthroughs with good and funny commentary. the whole last summer i was watching them. :) i'm so happy i got internet at home, finally. i'm only worried if i can pay the bills if i have this kind of money situation every damn month. (so watch yourself: don't get caught without a ticket in train again!!)
back to my ideas, there has to be a "walkthrough" in my new home, and updates to it each time i buy a new piece of furniture or change something. my home is a mirror of my soul. i also want to make a proper one introducing my friends Seed and Ari, and one about my favorite things like models, books and such. walking in a forest with my camera is also a good idea.
but now i think i quit writing. actually i should be sleeping right now. :P til l8tr.
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