Today's work..

It's definitely not much. 2,5 hours Gimp. Two versions of the same pic. This is number one. It took forever to get these right, and I can't get those damn edges away with that stupid program. I did big work when trying to erase them but it is what it is. :/ My hand shakes too much to do it properly. Maybe I fix it later sometime. Have enough different versions saved.



So this is Ari.. The text is just for hiding the missing edge that was not in the original photo. O_o Colors are OK but can't say I'm overly satisfied with these.

Wrote about politics in the other blog. It's all mixed and surely hard to figure out my point, and it might sound a little bit fanatic too. I'm trying to find an excuse for that.

This was my day. Plus I made food and ate it and read some. Now I eat raspberries with powder sugar. There's nothing else that's sweet. Today is a better day than yesterday. I even have the feeling Maru's losing less hair, but might also be cause I'm wearing white.. I found out I fit in an old pullover that I haven't been using for years. Someone wanted to visit me (she's a little too clingy somehow), but I had all the photos of Ari open here, Ari itself here on my desk, Seed on the sleeping corner floor, stinking rubbish at the entrance.. Well, it's still like that. O.o I'm never really ready to take any surprise guests. If they tell beforehand it's OK but I don't like letting people in my apartment if they come just so. Basically I always have Ari here only 40 cm away from me, I have direct sight to front door and on the other side out of the window to the sand path.

I'm not paranoid, nothing like that, no. I used to be long time ago but it's healed thank god. It's really hard to live with it. But I just like to keep an eye on my surroundings. ^^; I have always loved to watch what happens. Or better I learned it cause in school other kids never wanted to play with me, so I just stood alone on every break and watched them play. I don't remember a single thing about what they played. Just that I stood there anxious and was only waiting for the break to end. Every 15 minutes, every school day of every week the whole year long. And since I had to watch I slowly learned to like it. Now I often sit somewhere and watch people just to see how they act, and think what would be the easiest way to kill them. I follow their stupid conversations, watch how they walk, how they dress, if they eat what they eat, their physical condition, if someone looks lost, what kind of threat they could possess to me. Mostly none. About 80% of people are totally harmless. Prey. Rest are whether wannabe badasses and only a small procent of them are the same than me: insane.

I also noticed today that my willpower can sometimes be extremely strong. Good to know. Something special that I watched last night gave me a great boost of motivation in certain things. :)

urban war pt 2 "peace of mind"

yeah that won't let me loose.

get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?

i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.

that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o

i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.

this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!

and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?

if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)

it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^

maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)

is this love?

this.

this. is. just. wow.

got lost in WH40K again. since a long time. have the Stormraven box standing here next to me. want a drop pod. two or three dreadnoughts with different condition. plus the rest Blood Angels enough to beat my friends Ork army. :D i've always kinda disliked the Sanguinary Guard but guess with a little customizing it'll be ok. i want to create my own "style" and add some individuality to each model. there might be newcomers, and old warriors who have spent decades on the battlefield. their armour is of course in different shape. i like heavy support but thought it might be best to keep it not-so-heavy.

i really dislike Tyranids. xP and meanwhile also Grey Knights. the fact that they are all psykers is intriguing, but i strongly dislike Inquisition, plus their armour looks just too smooth metallic. and then there's this awful Dreadknight. oh my lord.. x[ it just looks like a mecha from some anime. for myself, i like anime a lot and i feel connected to the mechas, but what the hell are they doing here?? it looks totally out of place!! of course i understand some people are pleased by this new chapter, it's new and looks different and maybe cool. but i'm oldskool. i just don't like them. i feel they are guiding Warhammer 40.000 in wrong direction. the Inquisition has throughoutly earned something own, but the whole concept of the Grey Knights being the secret weapon from what no-one knew about and that rubbish.. it makes me feel bad. there are enough stories to tell about the already existing chapters. it would do much better to add new units to them, but i guess they just wanted to try out something totally different. it's ok, i understand, but like i said i'm oldskool. and this is only my opinion and i don't blame anyone for liking this new stuff.

well, looks like at least this late evening helped me to finally relax. Seed did his part too, and adding some extra meds for night. my body is telling me it's in burnout. it's burning extra much energy for even the lightest tasks and i feel often exhausted. have been trying to clean up. still got to wipe dust, clean kitchen and bathroom, but that's going to be all. for tomorrow i have other plans too. i mean today. O.o i want to go see if i can find some cheap sofas, and buy that swimming hall card. and have to buy food. i'm living already the whole week from reserves.

also, i'm happy about my new friend. even when i feel bad for him when he has trouble. i very fast started to care about him. things like this are giving me so much power - to bring my life in order, to survive the bad times. to fight for the future i want to live. :) i still don't trust myself, i'm still that scary kitten hiding under the bed. even when my feeling often is proven to have been right. i should trust my stomach more. it decides who i can trust. i trust this person. i feel connected, and that's a rare feeling, now when i lost the connection to another friend. i feel i don't have anything like that to ANYONE else right now. sorry people. :/ can't help it.

but this is something that helps to heal my soul. i'm nervous, but excited. nervous cause i don't have so much self-confidence i sometimes try to show. excited cause of the new situation, about what this will bring to me. i hope something good. i feel alive. i feel the real me has been woken from the seemingly endless sleep. i want to help people, be their friend, give them something.

i'm sad, afraid people don't accept me. :/ i have my bad times that make me a burden for just anyone. i don't wait for anyone to help me in such situation. i have been forced to go through there alone for so long. i don't know anything else. maybe i refuse help from others of the fear they might push me away when they see how it can be on a really bad day. i don't truly believe they can - or even want to - help. it's again the same thing than before: i don't trust people enough. i'd love to, but being failed and forgotten so often i have to be cautious.

but back to happier things. i'm getting my little cat beginning of July. i'm waiting for him. :) i don't have many possibilities to create places for him, only boxes to make it easier for him to jump around. he can sleep on my bed and i will buy him a nest to sleep, a soft blanket to lay on, closed cat toilet to prevent him scratching the sand out. they love to do that. but mommy doesn't love to clean it up five times a day. also need a scratching tree, some toys and then the rest: sand, meds, special dry food, wet food. his back leg joints are somewhat loose so he needs special treatment. but i love him. for the first time i saw his picture in web i felt some kind of connection to him. like, "that's my cat". in the beginning i had worries i could not take care of a cat like him, but after thinking about it longer - and crying because of him and because no-one likes to take a cat which has some health problem - i decided he will become my cat. i'm ready to spend more money on him than myself. if he likes baltic herring i'll buy him some and cook them. most cats love them. and it's very cheap indeed.

it's always said animals should not be given human food, but the truth is that in almost all animal foods are such things inside that are actually slaughter waste, naturally died animals, mostly in a sickness. things that are not qualified for ANY food production. but animal food manufacturers think animals eat all kinds of rests, so why not something like that. would you eat something like that? no. but you want to feed it your poor pet. also in many dry food is absolutely too much fiber in. for a dog it's even ok, but a cat cannot use it for anything. the evolution has made cat to an animal that gets it's needed liquid out of it's food. it does not usually drink anything. just imagine what happens to it's system when it doesn't get the needed liquid from food. it might look so easy to just give dry food. but you can really injure your pet seriously or even kill it that way. :(

and: cats (and dogs) are NOT vegetarian. they need animal proteine. DO NOT EVER feed them ONLY vegetarian food. DO NOT give them sweets. only a small amount of chocolate can kill a dog.

ok, now i really should go to bed. O.o just eat a couple of crispbread with margarine. there's nothing else and it's not too heavy before going to bed.