This time, we're back with the project I told about some time ago. I have continued a little, but it's somehow stuck. Everything in my head is mixed up because of other things, can't think creative. And this time in the beginning with my cat is not easy. It would be a big lie to say so.
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
Showing posts with label injured. Show all posts
Showing posts with label injured. Show all posts
July 8, 2011
May 15, 2011
how was your day? pt 1
today, 15th May 2011.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
April 28, 2011
don't touch my balls!!
28.4. you're not gonna touch my balls, you're not gonna touch my balls.. it's such a catchy melody! :D
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
April 27, 2011
games & random
27.4. all the time i'm confused which day is today. damn Easter. found something so awful it's really cool:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-kaVc7QTI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY2xipjzamQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9Xvpjsbxk&feature=related
:DDD
just my internet is on it's limits with download. speed has gone to minimum that is really slow, right now i have 7 videos loading and good speed is reached with maximum 3. O_o
looks like the sun has just set. it's 9PM. SUMMER!! my skin went off from my right knuckles when hitting the wall yesterday. it's strange. i don't feel that. no pain. nothing. i guess i wasn't hitting hard enough and the wall is not what i prefer. it's too smooth. (don't try this at home! it's a way i calm down when i'm stressed or aggressive. this time none of them. just for fun.) so i'm not satisfied with the result. it kinda burns when hot water touches those places where skin got off, but that doesn't disturb me at all. i've had that in different places of my body, especially my hands, too often. i'm aware that it's damaging my hands, there's already some changes, but i don't give a shit. it's not like i wouldn't care for my body, but scars and damage and such are a part of me. i wouldn't call that selfdestructive like most people do when i tell them. after all, it's better to hit a wall than a person, right?
right now i'm just happy to see some Fallout 3 videos again. had a long break with all other stuff. have to wake up early again tomorrow but i just don't care. missed something today because couldn't wake up in time, but i go there again next week. and the week after next week. my scedule is full for the half of May at least, until the week 20 and there's something too. and i'm again totally broke. :P 20 euros cash and that should be enough for about three weeks.
haven't been watching TV in a while. there'd sure be something interesting, but i'm glued to my computer. all the time i'm adding vids to "watch later" in Youtube, watching them and adding new, watching all kinds of music, a lot of games and guns. i was somewhat stressed last week for some reason, haven't slept good or enough in a while. there's something wrong with my body and i don't know what it is. if i don't take enough meds i don't sleep well and if i take it's hard to wake up. but tomorrow i get my hair cut finally. it's too long already for weeks.
have had a few ideas for forthcoming videos. i'll buy a webcam sometime when i get money again. i hate to be broke every month. and this time it's just because i had so many must-buys lately. today new jeans, 45 euros. can't believe that. such amount of supermarket jeans! the rest i bought were two packages of soya yoghurt, two energy drinks, cheese, three different noodle soups, an airsoft magazine. that was expensive too. actually i didn't have the money for it, but when the new one is in the shelf i just have to have it.. it's british so most of the stuff is british and they have different laws (Finland is quite.. umm.. relaxed when it comes to age limits. basically there are none. i think there should be. to keep the children and responsible adults who like it more serious apart. in my heart i'm not for more restrictions, but there should be age limits after how powerful different guns are. for example in Japan they have an own class for kids 10+.), but it's interesting to read and a good way to learn english and new words. :) only i have to keep myself from reading all at once, like with the games-magazine too that a friend (thank you again!) pays for me. i can live long with only porridge, dry bread and bad tasting selfmade chili from deepfreezer, but i have to have something for my soul. :)
now i have only 4 vids, two are done with loading, one is halfway, one i just started. 10 minutes each, from my favorite walkthrough maker SSoHPKC. :) he was the first i found making enough and good Fallout 3 walkthroughs with good and funny commentary. the whole last summer i was watching them. :) i'm so happy i got internet at home, finally. i'm only worried if i can pay the bills if i have this kind of money situation every damn month. (so watch yourself: don't get caught without a ticket in train again!!)
back to my ideas, there has to be a "walkthrough" in my new home, and updates to it each time i buy a new piece of furniture or change something. my home is a mirror of my soul. i also want to make a proper one introducing my friends Seed and Ari, and one about my favorite things like models, books and such. walking in a forest with my camera is also a good idea.
but now i think i quit writing. actually i should be sleeping right now. :P til l8tr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-kaVc7QTI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY2xipjzamQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9Xvpjsbxk&feature=related
:DDD
just my internet is on it's limits with download. speed has gone to minimum that is really slow, right now i have 7 videos loading and good speed is reached with maximum 3. O_o
looks like the sun has just set. it's 9PM. SUMMER!! my skin went off from my right knuckles when hitting the wall yesterday. it's strange. i don't feel that. no pain. nothing. i guess i wasn't hitting hard enough and the wall is not what i prefer. it's too smooth. (don't try this at home! it's a way i calm down when i'm stressed or aggressive. this time none of them. just for fun.) so i'm not satisfied with the result. it kinda burns when hot water touches those places where skin got off, but that doesn't disturb me at all. i've had that in different places of my body, especially my hands, too often. i'm aware that it's damaging my hands, there's already some changes, but i don't give a shit. it's not like i wouldn't care for my body, but scars and damage and such are a part of me. i wouldn't call that selfdestructive like most people do when i tell them. after all, it's better to hit a wall than a person, right?
right now i'm just happy to see some Fallout 3 videos again. had a long break with all other stuff. have to wake up early again tomorrow but i just don't care. missed something today because couldn't wake up in time, but i go there again next week. and the week after next week. my scedule is full for the half of May at least, until the week 20 and there's something too. and i'm again totally broke. :P 20 euros cash and that should be enough for about three weeks.
haven't been watching TV in a while. there'd sure be something interesting, but i'm glued to my computer. all the time i'm adding vids to "watch later" in Youtube, watching them and adding new, watching all kinds of music, a lot of games and guns. i was somewhat stressed last week for some reason, haven't slept good or enough in a while. there's something wrong with my body and i don't know what it is. if i don't take enough meds i don't sleep well and if i take it's hard to wake up. but tomorrow i get my hair cut finally. it's too long already for weeks.
have had a few ideas for forthcoming videos. i'll buy a webcam sometime when i get money again. i hate to be broke every month. and this time it's just because i had so many must-buys lately. today new jeans, 45 euros. can't believe that. such amount of supermarket jeans! the rest i bought were two packages of soya yoghurt, two energy drinks, cheese, three different noodle soups, an airsoft magazine. that was expensive too. actually i didn't have the money for it, but when the new one is in the shelf i just have to have it.. it's british so most of the stuff is british and they have different laws (Finland is quite.. umm.. relaxed when it comes to age limits. basically there are none. i think there should be. to keep the children and responsible adults who like it more serious apart. in my heart i'm not for more restrictions, but there should be age limits after how powerful different guns are. for example in Japan they have an own class for kids 10+.), but it's interesting to read and a good way to learn english and new words. :) only i have to keep myself from reading all at once, like with the games-magazine too that a friend (thank you again!) pays for me. i can live long with only porridge, dry bread and bad tasting selfmade chili from deepfreezer, but i have to have something for my soul. :)
now i have only 4 vids, two are done with loading, one is halfway, one i just started. 10 minutes each, from my favorite walkthrough maker SSoHPKC. :) he was the first i found making enough and good Fallout 3 walkthroughs with good and funny commentary. the whole last summer i was watching them. :) i'm so happy i got internet at home, finally. i'm only worried if i can pay the bills if i have this kind of money situation every damn month. (so watch yourself: don't get caught without a ticket in train again!!)
back to my ideas, there has to be a "walkthrough" in my new home, and updates to it each time i buy a new piece of furniture or change something. my home is a mirror of my soul. i also want to make a proper one introducing my friends Seed and Ari, and one about my favorite things like models, books and such. walking in a forest with my camera is also a good idea.
but now i think i quit writing. actually i should be sleeping right now. :P til l8tr.
March 18, 2011
i place my heart in your hand
16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
March 15, 2011
guess care instead health care
14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
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