I'm burning out again, for some reason. Even when I could breath out from relief in one problem. It still keeps me stressed. I know that feeling will disappear as soon as it is so far and I have that thing brought home. But everything before it... I still have about three weeks to stress about it. Happy rest of July to me.
I watched stuff in Youtube and I'm getting pissed there. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the whole fucking online life that's making me so tired. This is all the same. From one day to another.
Watched clearly too many videos today. I got bored on them. They didn't relax me anymore. So I changed to writing something. I continued the collection Deep at night. Thought about how to bring new themes into it. I'll write some urban war stuff in it soon. Cause, it's like a second reality, a second life for me and a playground. There I can do whatever I want to. Nobody can stop me. I create a world out of this one around me. It's about the same places and in the urban war -stories it will be also about the nearest city - as it looks like after a heavy war with gangs still fighting each other, settlers trying to survive with the very small amount of resources available. With different small "states" and "settlements" that live their own life and don't welcome any strangers.
Hmm, sound familiar.. Doesn't it? xD
--
I'm finished. It's 1:42AM. I'm frustrated. It's about moving forward and that I have not been able to do that. This shit again. I have tried to tell myself to give myself more time, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like I'm stuck when I'd like to do something. Tomorrow (ah, today) I go to buy some food and take money out of bank and fill my bus card and bring rest of the money home and put it away in the box where I keep my bank for my "box" and new PC. On Wednesday or Thursday I go to the biggest shopping center around here (takes two buses and two trains to get there, but I like traveling) to look for and ask about PCs.
I want to buy the keyboard from somewhere else and mouse too. I have a good mouse right now, and I will use it as long as it makes sense though. This site has cool stuff. Check out this too.
Was in a message board for a while but it's frustrating me a lot more than I thought it would. I don't have a good feeling in my stomach. I have no good feeling about those people. They might be totally OK, but my first impression was not all positive. It's informative, yes, but I got a feeling "of not being welcome". I have that always when I get to new message boards (except that one that was my home and that died in late 2001 ;_; i still miss it), and often it shows to be the right feeling. Well, I'll keep going there more often to get used to it. After all the informative worth is quite big. I just feel like my head is going to explode under this much pressure.
And one more thing: never surprise visit me. I hate surprise visitors. I don't let anyone in, at least not anymore. I have done it maybe a few times. No more. Don't be disappointed if I turn you down. If we can make a deal about a visiting time it might be OK. And it's better that way. I can guess what people do when they see my guns here. Cause, they can not tell if they are real or not. That's one thing that also keeps me safe. When people get scared they stop trying to get in here. ..and I like to scare people.. Especially people I have no sympathies for. And there's a lot of them.
Remember the informative worth. Get used to things. Calm down. Give yourself time to adjust. Explore surroundings. Yes I should go out more. Have been sitting here like grown to my chair, I have been scared to leave Maru alone. I try to teach myself that he's OK even when I'm the whole day away.
G'nite!
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
July 19, 2011
July 8, 2011
Fallout 3 fanfic, first look inside
This time, we're back with the project I told about some time ago. I have continued a little, but it's somehow stuck. Everything in my head is mixed up because of other things, can't think creative. And this time in the beginning with my cat is not easy. It would be a big lie to say so.
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
May 23, 2011
Fallout 3 & New Vegas fanfic
23.5. guess i wrote some crazy shit last time.. O_o i'm not like that always, so that you know it. it just sometimes hits me. that way of thinking. might sound pretty unrealistic, feet off the ground or something, but it's actually useful. i'm not getting ready for a war.. well, at least i'm not admitting it, you get that over my dead body. :D but just in case.. evil thinking is in my nature. and to be a collector-hunter like people were some 10000 years ago.. ..forgot what i was saying. was not important then.
as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.
Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.
Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.
Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.
that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.
and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.
think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)
if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.
well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!
as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.
Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.
Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.
Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.
that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.
and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.
think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)
if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.
well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!
April 21, 2011
fiction, politics and stuff
21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
March 15, 2011
guess care instead health care
14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
March 9, 2011
6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn
8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
March 4, 2011
behind empty eyes
28.2. the last day of this long and depressive month. today i went up. fast. it's not so good when it goes this fast. the depressive thoughts were replaced with aggressive ones and people started to go on my nerves out in the city. tomorrow i'm going to the local clubhouse for other sick people. I DON'T WANT TO. i get strong repulsive feelings about it, and i hate to be forced to wake up at 5:30AM. this cannot be the solution for a longer period. guess i'm only doing it for this year, and try to find something else later. there are other groups and sort of elsewhere, gotta find out about them. i'd even go to that 'only working' -kind of place. stupid, i don't know how these things are called in english and I STILL DON'T HAVE a dictionary.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
February 8, 2011
a perfect dream, and stuff
5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
January 28, 2011
things that make me crazy
23.1. happy happy happy! yesterday evening & night. so proud and happy of Seed. :) i'm very lucky. this very strong happiness surprises me every time again. my heart felt light like a feather, some excitement burning inside but in a regenerating way.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.
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