I'm burning out again, for some reason. Even when I could breath out from relief in one problem. It still keeps me stressed. I know that feeling will disappear as soon as it is so far and I have that thing brought home. But everything before it... I still have about three weeks to stress about it. Happy rest of July to me.
I watched stuff in Youtube and I'm getting pissed there. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the whole fucking online life that's making me so tired. This is all the same. From one day to another.
Watched clearly too many videos today. I got bored on them. They didn't relax me anymore. So I changed to writing something. I continued the collection Deep at night. Thought about how to bring new themes into it. I'll write some urban war stuff in it soon. Cause, it's like a second reality, a second life for me and a playground. There I can do whatever I want to. Nobody can stop me. I create a world out of this one around me. It's about the same places and in the urban war -stories it will be also about the nearest city - as it looks like after a heavy war with gangs still fighting each other, settlers trying to survive with the very small amount of resources available. With different small "states" and "settlements" that live their own life and don't welcome any strangers.
Hmm, sound familiar.. Doesn't it? xD
--
I'm finished. It's 1:42AM. I'm frustrated. It's about moving forward and that I have not been able to do that. This shit again. I have tried to tell myself to give myself more time, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like I'm stuck when I'd like to do something. Tomorrow (ah, today) I go to buy some food and take money out of bank and fill my bus card and bring rest of the money home and put it away in the box where I keep my bank for my "box" and new PC. On Wednesday or Thursday I go to the biggest shopping center around here (takes two buses and two trains to get there, but I like traveling) to look for and ask about PCs.
I want to buy the keyboard from somewhere else and mouse too. I have a good mouse right now, and I will use it as long as it makes sense though. This site has cool stuff. Check out this too.
Was in a message board for a while but it's frustrating me a lot more than I thought it would. I don't have a good feeling in my stomach. I have no good feeling about those people. They might be totally OK, but my first impression was not all positive. It's informative, yes, but I got a feeling "of not being welcome". I have that always when I get to new message boards (except that one that was my home and that died in late 2001 ;_; i still miss it), and often it shows to be the right feeling. Well, I'll keep going there more often to get used to it. After all the informative worth is quite big. I just feel like my head is going to explode under this much pressure.
And one more thing: never surprise visit me. I hate surprise visitors. I don't let anyone in, at least not anymore. I have done it maybe a few times. No more. Don't be disappointed if I turn you down. If we can make a deal about a visiting time it might be OK. And it's better that way. I can guess what people do when they see my guns here. Cause, they can not tell if they are real or not. That's one thing that also keeps me safe. When people get scared they stop trying to get in here. ..and I like to scare people.. Especially people I have no sympathies for. And there's a lot of them.
Remember the informative worth. Get used to things. Calm down. Give yourself time to adjust. Explore surroundings. Yes I should go out more. Have been sitting here like grown to my chair, I have been scared to leave Maru alone. I try to teach myself that he's OK even when I'm the whole day away.
G'nite!
Showing posts with label urban war. Show all posts
Showing posts with label urban war. Show all posts
July 19, 2011
July 8, 2011
Today's work..
It's definitely not much. 2,5 hours Gimp. Two versions of the same pic. This is number one. It took forever to get these right, and I can't get those damn edges away with that stupid program. I did big work when trying to erase them but it is what it is. :/ My hand shakes too much to do it properly. Maybe I fix it later sometime. Have enough different versions saved.
So this is Ari.. The text is just for hiding the missing edge that was not in the original photo. O_o Colors are OK but can't say I'm overly satisfied with these.
Wrote about politics in the other blog. It's all mixed and surely hard to figure out my point, and it might sound a little bit fanatic too. I'm trying to find an excuse for that.
This was my day. Plus I made food and ate it and read some. Now I eat raspberries with powder sugar. There's nothing else that's sweet. Today is a better day than yesterday. I even have the feeling Maru's losing less hair, but might also be cause I'm wearing white.. I found out I fit in an old pullover that I haven't been using for years. Someone wanted to visit me (she's a little too clingy somehow), but I had all the photos of Ari open here, Ari itself here on my desk, Seed on the sleeping corner floor, stinking rubbish at the entrance.. Well, it's still like that. O.o I'm never really ready to take any surprise guests. If they tell beforehand it's OK but I don't like letting people in my apartment if they come just so. Basically I always have Ari here only 40 cm away from me, I have direct sight to front door and on the other side out of the window to the sand path.
I'm not paranoid, nothing like that, no. I used to be long time ago but it's healed thank god. It's really hard to live with it. But I just like to keep an eye on my surroundings. ^^; I have always loved to watch what happens. Or better I learned it cause in school other kids never wanted to play with me, so I just stood alone on every break and watched them play. I don't remember a single thing about what they played. Just that I stood there anxious and was only waiting for the break to end. Every 15 minutes, every school day of every week the whole year long. And since I had to watch I slowly learned to like it. Now I often sit somewhere and watch people just to see how they act, and think what would be the easiest way to kill them. I follow their stupid conversations, watch how they walk, how they dress, if they eat what they eat, their physical condition, if someone looks lost, what kind of threat they could possess to me. Mostly none. About 80% of people are totally harmless. Prey. Rest are whether wannabe badasses and only a small procent of them are the same than me: insane.
I also noticed today that my willpower can sometimes be extremely strong. Good to know. Something special that I watched last night gave me a great boost of motivation in certain things. :)
So this is Ari.. The text is just for hiding the missing edge that was not in the original photo. O_o Colors are OK but can't say I'm overly satisfied with these.
Wrote about politics in the other blog. It's all mixed and surely hard to figure out my point, and it might sound a little bit fanatic too. I'm trying to find an excuse for that.
This was my day. Plus I made food and ate it and read some. Now I eat raspberries with powder sugar. There's nothing else that's sweet. Today is a better day than yesterday. I even have the feeling Maru's losing less hair, but might also be cause I'm wearing white.. I found out I fit in an old pullover that I haven't been using for years. Someone wanted to visit me (she's a little too clingy somehow), but I had all the photos of Ari open here, Ari itself here on my desk, Seed on the sleeping corner floor, stinking rubbish at the entrance.. Well, it's still like that. O.o I'm never really ready to take any surprise guests. If they tell beforehand it's OK but I don't like letting people in my apartment if they come just so. Basically I always have Ari here only 40 cm away from me, I have direct sight to front door and on the other side out of the window to the sand path.
I'm not paranoid, nothing like that, no. I used to be long time ago but it's healed thank god. It's really hard to live with it. But I just like to keep an eye on my surroundings. ^^; I have always loved to watch what happens. Or better I learned it cause in school other kids never wanted to play with me, so I just stood alone on every break and watched them play. I don't remember a single thing about what they played. Just that I stood there anxious and was only waiting for the break to end. Every 15 minutes, every school day of every week the whole year long. And since I had to watch I slowly learned to like it. Now I often sit somewhere and watch people just to see how they act, and think what would be the easiest way to kill them. I follow their stupid conversations, watch how they walk, how they dress, if they eat what they eat, their physical condition, if someone looks lost, what kind of threat they could possess to me. Mostly none. About 80% of people are totally harmless. Prey. Rest are whether wannabe badasses and only a small procent of them are the same than me: insane.
I also noticed today that my willpower can sometimes be extremely strong. Good to know. Something special that I watched last night gave me a great boost of motivation in certain things. :)
June 14, 2011
relax, take it eeeeeeeeasy
just got an idea: what if this "urban war" thingy is linked to my so called religion? even when that thing is truly weird i'm trying to believe in it. it's how i see things. i also have started (slowly, but now strongly) to really believe in reincarnation. it gives me strength and lessens the fear of dying. when i start counting years i have left to live i can just push them away and think it's not the end, the wheel of karma will turn endlessly, even the death of earth that once will follow doesn't stop it. everything is in constant movement (that's proven), the universum as the life on earth, from everything that dies something new will grow. the souls who die will give birth to new souls. we all have a collective awareness, only most people never see or feel it.
that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.
i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.
so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D
so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)
that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.
i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.
so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D
so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)
June 13, 2011
urban war pt 2 "peace of mind"
yeah that won't let me loose.
get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?
i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.
that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o
i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.
this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!
and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?
if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)
it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^
maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)
get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?
i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.
that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o
i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.
this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!
and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?
if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)
it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^
maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)
May 21, 2011
urban war
19.5. have i mentioned this before? it's kinda creepy, but for me the outside world is like a battlefield. and the first rule is to always be aware of your surroundings. know the exits, see the dangers in time, plan your route and be able to change it within seconds. you are in charge of everything and your actions determine the next move. other people are mostly civilians or just "objects" of no interest. it might be useful to watch them sometimes just to make sure you know how they act and react to certain events. it's the same than scanning the surroundings with your eyes. keeping your ears sharp, sense the air movements, smell and know where the smell comes from. don't let anything distract you if you are on watchmode. but you also have to be able to move while being in watchmode. move regularly, without catching attention, stay very calm. even if you're not calm inside you have to remember to keep calm to outside. to show nervousity and fear - a no-go. don't let yourself be driven into a corner. that causes problems. i for example have two ways to react when being cornered: attack, or break down. inside a building with an uncomportable encounter with certain people i tend to break down, but outside, on the battlefield i might attack very easily and in an unpredictable way.
when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.
well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!
internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.
21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.
this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)
changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.
yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.
yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.
p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..
p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)
when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.
well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!
internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.
21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.
this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)
changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.
yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.
yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.
p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..
p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)
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