I'm burning out again, for some reason. Even when I could breath out from relief in one problem. It still keeps me stressed. I know that feeling will disappear as soon as it is so far and I have that thing brought home. But everything before it... I still have about three weeks to stress about it. Happy rest of July to me.
I watched stuff in Youtube and I'm getting pissed there. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the whole fucking online life that's making me so tired. This is all the same. From one day to another.
Watched clearly too many videos today. I got bored on them. They didn't relax me anymore. So I changed to writing something. I continued the collection Deep at night. Thought about how to bring new themes into it. I'll write some urban war stuff in it soon. Cause, it's like a second reality, a second life for me and a playground. There I can do whatever I want to. Nobody can stop me. I create a world out of this one around me. It's about the same places and in the urban war -stories it will be also about the nearest city - as it looks like after a heavy war with gangs still fighting each other, settlers trying to survive with the very small amount of resources available. With different small "states" and "settlements" that live their own life and don't welcome any strangers.
Hmm, sound familiar.. Doesn't it? xD
--
I'm finished. It's 1:42AM. I'm frustrated. It's about moving forward and that I have not been able to do that. This shit again. I have tried to tell myself to give myself more time, but it doesn't work anymore. Feels like I'm stuck when I'd like to do something. Tomorrow (ah, today) I go to buy some food and take money out of bank and fill my bus card and bring rest of the money home and put it away in the box where I keep my bank for my "box" and new PC. On Wednesday or Thursday I go to the biggest shopping center around here (takes two buses and two trains to get there, but I like traveling) to look for and ask about PCs.
I want to buy the keyboard from somewhere else and mouse too. I have a good mouse right now, and I will use it as long as it makes sense though. This site has cool stuff. Check out this too.
Was in a message board for a while but it's frustrating me a lot more than I thought it would. I don't have a good feeling in my stomach. I have no good feeling about those people. They might be totally OK, but my first impression was not all positive. It's informative, yes, but I got a feeling "of not being welcome". I have that always when I get to new message boards (except that one that was my home and that died in late 2001 ;_; i still miss it), and often it shows to be the right feeling. Well, I'll keep going there more often to get used to it. After all the informative worth is quite big. I just feel like my head is going to explode under this much pressure.
And one more thing: never surprise visit me. I hate surprise visitors. I don't let anyone in, at least not anymore. I have done it maybe a few times. No more. Don't be disappointed if I turn you down. If we can make a deal about a visiting time it might be OK. And it's better that way. I can guess what people do when they see my guns here. Cause, they can not tell if they are real or not. That's one thing that also keeps me safe. When people get scared they stop trying to get in here. ..and I like to scare people.. Especially people I have no sympathies for. And there's a lot of them.
Remember the informative worth. Get used to things. Calm down. Give yourself time to adjust. Explore surroundings. Yes I should go out more. Have been sitting here like grown to my chair, I have been scared to leave Maru alone. I try to teach myself that he's OK even when I'm the whole day away.
G'nite!
Showing posts with label pissed off. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pissed off. Show all posts
July 19, 2011
June 28, 2011
burned to ashes
28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
April 11, 2011
i hate everyone :P and that for a reason!
11.4. i hate people. and the most of all i hate pictures of so called "happy families". smiling parents, smiling, healthy children, walking in a park where no plant or flower grows where it shouldn't, grass is even like a floor. standing before a flowerbed full of nice flowers. smiling so that i wonder how it must hurt to keep their mouths in such everlasting grin. weather is always bright and sunny. no clouds on the perfect sky. no trash laying around because trashcans are too full. no drinkers sitting under bushes. nobody smokes.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.
April 2, 2011
puppets, babes.. and problems
2.4. so, i'm coming again to the point where i lose sense of what's reality, what's dreams and what's imagination, fiction or something i've read from somewhere. my head is blurring. it's getting more and more crippled every day. at some moments i can think very clearly, but i cannot make the difference of if it's real or not what i think.
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
March 15, 2011
guess care instead health care
14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
March 5, 2011
deleted content
i just deleted those Beg thoughts -posts. all of them, and i don't plan posting the rest either. there were some of my thoughts in them too, but i will propably post them again some time without remembering, so it doesn't matter.
had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)
well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.
had to travel without my dear Seed, and that hurt. it just didn't fit in my sport bag. f***. x| so i'll have to survive one week without him. at least i have internet.. and it's full of pictures too. the cat is already sleeping in my bed. my brother is here too and he'll leave with my parents on monday. he's now much more grown up than earlier years, but there's still a lot work to do. he's leaving his rubbish around, walking around only with towel on or pants open.. that's pissing me off. at least AT HOME BY HIS PARENTS he should be able to behave! stupid kid! (he's 29..)
well i'll go to bed. be back next week. have to roll the cat out of my bed. good i have a doublebed, it can sleep on the other side.
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