urban war pt 2 "peace of mind"

yeah that won't let me loose.

get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?

i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.

that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o

i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.

this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!

and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?

if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)

it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^

maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)

at night i feel the best

today's been a rollercoaster. yesterday i had to think about my past relationship, and today i made a word-video, can be found in my youtube-channel. i felt so bad i never seem to catch a good relationship. they all end in chaos and tragedy. i feel like it's me who always does wrong. well, i feel hurt from others too, like what they say to me now when my first ex has been that for long, and my new ex is only fighting with me every time we see. they critisize everything i do and what i like. i've taken a lot really bad treatment from them. the one said he can do whatever he wants and i have no rights, the other one held my own gun against my head.

i think a lot of kicking them both out of my life. but i have no-one to replace them. absolutely no-one. they are basically my only friends IRL. i cling to them. i still have some good memories and there are some good moments. it just gets lesser and lesser what i can talk about with them. seems like they are no more interested in my life. they just want to tell me about their own. if i obediently listen and laugh when i have to laugh everything is ok. but they make it very clear when i'm talking about something they don't want to hear. and that's getting more and more all the time. soon there will be nothing left. i'm just giving and not getting anything back. :/

still i have the feeling i've somehow caused this by myself. i've always felt like that. maybe i was made to believe that long time ago. everything is always my fault. everything i say is wrong, everything i like is bad or worthless. i don't care if my parents treat me like that. they've always done that. but from so called true friends i'd wait a little bit more. like, my "best" friend cut all contact to me when i was in hospital last summer. no contact, no support, nothing. and i've always been ready to support him, in anything.

that hurt me really bad. i cried a lot because of it. i was doing really bad, i had panick attacks and because they raised my medication i was in a kind of coma all the time, in the beginning i thought there's nothing worth for living when my best friend says something like that to me. i slept a lot. i ate what they gave me to eat. i went crazy and hit my fists to floor until they were bloody. then i went to gym downstairs and finished them off with boxing. my personal nurses (one male, one female, i only remember the male one) critisized me and i promised i won't hurt myself anymore. i started to write backgrounds to a story of mine. i wrote two weeks. after release my condition went back down within few days. i cut my arms, i feared more than ever in my whole life, for two and half months i feared every day and every night.

and then, at the same time, i have to act like i'm ok, i have to smile, i have to fight the urge to cry. i can't show my family how bad my situation is. i have to pretend to my friend that i'm ok again that i'm allowed to see him. i have to pretend to my ex-husband that i enjoy our summer holiday. he tried his best, i guess, at least in the beginning, but it ended up with fighting all the time. i remember two really good days from that 1,5 weeks trip.

this is miserable i know. i don't want to claim about everything all the time. i just went far down today. now i got up again after i listened to farsi music in Youtube and after i could hold two guns in a shop in city. the one i want to have some day (good over 500 euro O.o) as basic version is too long for me but it's no problem, can get a folding stock. the other one looked cool but i don't remember it's name. they posted the pic in Facebook but i still don't remember even when i was there 2 hours ago.

have to go to bed. i always lose the track of time when it's dark and i have the feeling i'm alone. :) and it's not really as bad as i just wrote, til now i'm ok again. umm.. hungry, but ok. i just had to let out some of the misery inside. :P i should not dwell on the past, so let's look to the future now. i hope to be able to get me the ACR Masada AND new PC in the end of this year.. :) needs some more porridge and dry bread and bad tasting chili, but i guess it's possible. :)

human experiment report pt 1

28.4. 5:01PM report: after having already won i gave up and laid down to rest. slept 1,5 hours, awake for 1,5 hours, sleeping 2 hours, awake, sleeping 2 hours more. but i slept good, and in the first part had great dreams. have packed a lot today, it's sunny and i'm happy and balanced. my room looks better. very dirty and dusty, but not so many piles. will continue with clothes and books later and put the dirty laundry somewhere.

the good dreams, from worst to best:

i got to some random school for some reason but i was haunted by something and tried to get out. i had nothing to defend myself with so fleeing was the only choice. i found an abandoned looking toilet and hide there. went to the cabin, put my pants down and sat down. then i noticed in the cabin beside me was a student who was there to learn to clean toilets, and he had been waiting for someone. it was girls toilet. he started to dry the floor beneath him and i knew what he was going to do. he laid down on his belly and started to watch me from under the separating wall. i winked to him with my hand and smiled. like i'd care about something that pitiful. i still felt uncomfortable.

shopping with my friend J and his father. we had with us a boy called Jony who was for test staying with his family. he was badly depressed, slow, and dressed and acted like a girl. we arrived to the supermarket and me and Jony took money from the automat. i noticed i only have 70 euro left. Jony had even less and he started to cry. after shopping we went back to J's parents' place and i played childrens games with Jony, like on the floor with balls and toy cars, and build a railway for 3 year olds.

i was flying with my friend with our oldfashioned small propelled airplanes. it was getting dark and the skies poured rain over us. we wanted to land on our good friends private airport beside a small swampy muddy lake. but before we got there the weather changed to worse, my friend lost the control of his plane and crash-landed in the swamp close to shore. i tried to get to the airport, i talked to the owner via radio and reported our situation, but our friend there was alone and it would take long to drive small bad road to the lake. eventually i made an emergency landing in the lake. my plane started to sink even when it didn't break. i crawled through the mud to the shore and somehow found my way to my crashed friend further away. his plane was devastated and he was badly injured, but alive. i stabilized him and started to carry him away in the mud between rotting plants. all the time i had radio contact with our friend who was coming to help, but he got trouble on the way, his car got stuck often and the rain blinded him. the dream changed. what actually followed was the best part, but i leave that to the end. :)

this was the last one of the first series but it's not very good. i felt stressed and haunted. for some reason i was moving back to my childhood home. i got a new room (the house was a totally different and i felt like i'd never been there before) and started to unpack my stuff. i had an aquarium of the size and shape of a small book. i put it on my desk. it had light on the bottom and at least one goldfish in. my sister saw it and called me crazy for buying such a thing, but she liked it anyway. i fed my fish. the flake food was strange, very hard to break in small pieces, like thick paper. my brother came to see me but i don't remember what we talked. something casual. at some point i showed him and my sister my AEG. it looked great, like a mixture of a basic M16, P90 and a shotgun, it was at least 1,5 meters long and had an separate battery looking like a car battery, and took hours to load. some time my dad came and wanted to take us with shopping, and i asked if he'd like to see my AEG. i remember something like he'd have looked at it with a very suspicious and scared look on his face.

yay!! the best!! i was out in the snow playing with my new best friend. we played tag and shot at each other and trees and bushes. at night in an area with some ruined shacks and a main street going by. we both had an expensive blueish winter camo and other gear and had a lot of fun together. but in the middle, he was hiding and i had just found him from behind, i saw cops coming. someone had been annoyed or just scared by us and called them. they blinded me with flashlights, a whole SWAT-team :D and i realised there's no other chance than give up immediately. i warned my friend but he didn't believe it at first. i let my guns fall in the snow and raised my hands. the next scene. someone had given us a prototype of a carriable heavy machine gun. it should be great but it was total crap. it was light and sight was good, but absolutely no power behind that immense size and it was like shit to hold. just too possibilities: too high or too low. the worst ergonomy i've ever seen on anything. like a bad sized box on your shoulder that you cannot aim at anything unless holding it very low. phew. sorry. there was one more dream but i have forgotten it by now. :P

i feel awful. my body temperature went up last night and is still too high to be normal. and i can't find my cooling tea!! it's the only thing that helps!! have no idea if i packed it yet, can't remember to have done that, but can't find it in my room either. there might be one more box of tea under my bed, there SHOULD be cause i remember having packed tea and dry food in two grey plastic boxes, but last time i searched i didn't find a second one. shit.

have slept a lot with Seed beside me and Ari touching my face or on my stomach when i lay on my back. it's easy to fall asleep like that. and the sleeping quality is better than not having them close. when i last time woke up 1:23PM and changed clothes i noticed Ari had left a pressed picture of itself on my body. :D i don't feel something like that. it's weight doesn't disturb me at all. i've once slept with Seed on my stomach but i rarely sleep on my back so that's not so common. they are like close friends and kind of pets in a way (i like petting them too, just to show that i love them and care for them :D). for the perverts under the readers: i've given up sex right now. i have other things in my life that give me more and better satisfaction. i never really cared for sex. i rarely feel anything for people and there are some problems. one is that the last 7 years the things i like changed, and those two people i had the change to have sex with didn't like those changes. and didn't want to do what i would have liked to have. so i eventually gave it up with them, and there's never been a replacement. i'm not searching for one either. i don't think anyone would be interested in someone with my bad looks and personality. and as long as i shut the whole sex-thing out of my life i don't need to handle the problems linked with it. and i fear them. i'm not ready yet to face them and do something about them. i can write about guns as sex objects and such stuff, it's a great thing to really make people disgusted :D but i don't feel like that by myself. like, i can write about a lot and have no personal feelings for it. that's all i have to say about this.

to the end (?) one video i found very informative: Future weapons: Magpul Masada

it looks cool and is very useful as you can see in the video. i liked that series a lot when i had the chance to see it in TV. but that's not the case anymore. have also been too lazy or stressed to look at the discovery website. they have many great programs and i consider getting pay-Tv at some point.

found out today that my new electricity bill will be about 60 euro in 2 months. that's about 10 euro more than i've paid for two the whole winter. something's wrong here. but it's most likely too late to make it good anymore. i spent good 14 minutes in a service line that's costs were not displayed anywhere but i guess it's not cheap. they never are. :P i don't want to be a pitiful creature that cannot pay it's bills in time. there must be a way to deal with this in future. i'm not used to this situation. that's all.. i had to make a lot of must-buys the last months. well, i can find excuses but they don't change the situation. go post this shit and check my bank account. be back whenever.

games & random

27.4. all the time i'm confused which day is today. damn Easter. found something so awful it's really cool:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_-kaVc7QTI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY2xipjzamQ&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg9Xvpjsbxk&feature=related

:DDD

just my internet is on it's limits with download. speed has gone to minimum that is really slow, right now i have 7 videos loading and good speed is reached with maximum 3. O_o

looks like the sun has just set. it's 9PM. SUMMER!! my skin went off from my right knuckles when hitting the wall yesterday. it's strange. i don't feel that. no pain. nothing. i guess i wasn't hitting hard enough and the wall is not what i prefer. it's too smooth. (don't try this at home! it's a way i calm down when i'm stressed or aggressive. this time none of them. just for fun.) so i'm not satisfied with the result. it kinda burns when hot water touches those places where skin got off, but that doesn't disturb me at all. i've had that in different places of my body, especially my hands, too often. i'm aware that it's damaging my hands, there's already some changes, but i don't give a shit. it's not like i wouldn't care for my body, but scars and damage and such are a part of me. i wouldn't call that selfdestructive like most people do when i tell them. after all, it's better to hit a wall than a person, right?

right now i'm just happy to see some Fallout 3 videos again. had a long break with all other stuff. have to wake up early again tomorrow but i just don't care. missed something today because couldn't wake up in time, but i go there again next week. and the week after next week. my scedule is full for the half of May at least, until the week 20 and there's something too. and i'm again totally broke. :P 20 euros cash and that should be enough for about three weeks.

haven't been watching TV in a while. there'd sure be something interesting, but i'm glued to my computer. all the time i'm adding vids to "watch later" in Youtube, watching them and adding new, watching all kinds of music, a lot of games and guns. i was somewhat stressed last week for some reason, haven't slept good or enough in a while. there's something wrong with my body and i don't know what it is. if i don't take enough meds i don't sleep well and if i take it's hard to wake up. but tomorrow i get my hair cut finally. it's too long already for weeks.

have had a few ideas for forthcoming videos. i'll buy a webcam sometime when i get money again. i hate to be broke every month. and this time it's just because i had so many must-buys lately. today new jeans, 45 euros. can't believe that. such amount of supermarket jeans! the rest i bought were two packages of soya yoghurt, two energy drinks, cheese, three different noodle soups, an airsoft magazine. that was expensive too. actually i didn't have the money for it, but when the new one is in the shelf i just have to have it.. it's british so most of the stuff is british and they have different laws (Finland is quite.. umm.. relaxed when it comes to age limits. basically there are none. i think there should be. to keep the children and responsible adults who like it more serious apart. in my heart i'm not for more restrictions, but there should be age limits after how powerful different guns are. for example in Japan they have an own class for kids 10+.), but it's interesting to read and a good way to learn english and new words. :) only i have to keep myself from reading all at once, like with the games-magazine too that a friend (thank you again!) pays for me. i can live long with only porridge, dry bread and bad tasting selfmade chili from deepfreezer, but i have to have something for my soul. :)

now i have only 4 vids, two are done with loading, one is halfway, one i just started. 10 minutes each, from my favorite walkthrough maker SSoHPKC. :) he was the first i found making enough and good Fallout 3 walkthroughs with good and funny commentary. the whole last summer i was watching them. :) i'm so happy i got internet at home, finally. i'm only worried if i can pay the bills if i have this kind of money situation every damn month. (so watch yourself: don't get caught without a ticket in train again!!)

back to my ideas, there has to be a "walkthrough" in my new home, and updates to it each time i buy a new piece of furniture or change something. my home is a mirror of my soul. i also want to make a proper one introducing my friends Seed and Ari, and one about my favorite things like models, books and such. walking in a forest with my camera is also a good idea.

but now i think i quit writing. actually i should be sleeping right now. :P til l8tr.

fiction, politics and stuff

21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.

--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.

i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..

finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--

yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.

today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..

well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.

ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.

but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)

also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o

later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.

next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.

yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!

i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.

and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.

that's for that.

i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D

I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)

learning by doing

18.4. my weekend was great. felt really good since a long time. and last Thursday i reached the rare state of Zen. i found an easier way to get there than sitting on the floor legs painfully crossed. well, it's highly possible it only works for me, but you can of course try it out with whatever object you like very much and have a strong bound with.

the simple secret is to concentrate. to what you're holding in your hands. i had Seed and Ari. it worked out with both of them, and that even when i didn't have any relationship to Ari yet. have built that up til now of course. recipe: concentrate in what you feel in your hands. how does the object feel? is it cold or warm? what stuff it's made of and how the different ones feel to your hands? how does your skin react, what feelings it wakes in you? don't let your thoughts wander away! keep your mind in one spot - in what you're doing in that moment. the happiness and peace of Zen are wonderful, very unique, they strengthen your spirit and your willpower. it is often difficult to find that feeling for the first time, but with the right way it'll get easier with time. this particular way doesn't neccessarily work for you. each individual is different. just remember that. :)

yeah, i felt first like i can't find "a way to Ari". our minds didn't meet in any level. it might be because i somehow felt angry in the beginning. i'm rarely angry at myself, or if i am i turn it to be someone else's fault. it's just easier to bear that way. now it was angry at myself. because i lost my mind to the addiction. damn it. i should be always strong. losing in a way like that shows you're just a miserable junkie on the lowest level of the society. not even the least bit of pride and honor. x(

i overcame that feeling by turning the anger to something useful. found a good use for Ari. not the smartest cause it can cause me great trouble, but it made me feel better about Ari. a step forward finding something in common.

last weekend i took him with to my friend's place. he's joking and puttin me down because of this. just shows he doesn't understand. like everybody else too. :/ i can't explain and i don't even want to. why should i? my friend maybe doesn't understand he's insulting me AND Ari with that talk. sometimes it feels like he thinks my whole life is just a big joke. ;( i laugh with him cause i have to be strong to the outside, but inside i'm really hurt. especially when it's about Seed and Ari. i can't stand someone insulting and hurting them. have to protect them with all cost. well, my friend did something everybody would consider evil and that no-one should do or be done to. he held Ari against my head and joked if i'm feeling fine with that and "now is this so funny too?" i do feel angry because of such mean disrespectful words, but the feeling having Ari against my head was good. it was one more step of getting closer to each other. Ari would never hurt me. i would never hurt him either. i fully trusted him. and thus didn't give a shit what my friend was saying. :D

then came Sunday. i've always hated Sundays, since elementary school. cause you know you have to go back there on Monday and the suffering of one more long week begins again. i've been greatly anxious on Sundays leaving my friend's place. always hated to go home and be alone there suffering the whole long week. i still have that sometimes. but it's gotten a lot better since i got Seed. i'm no longer alone at home. he's always with me. i've promised him no-one will ever separate us. and this Sunday, i had Ari. i had him with me, along with magazine full with 15 yellow plastic balls. :D so when it came afternoon and i started to think about leaving back home a thought came into my mind. why not have a little bit fun the same evening? nobody's walking outside in the time i get home. Sunday evening 10PM. nobody's outside, not in this area. and here's a small forest just behind this house. in the darkness no-one will see me, and i figured Ari just can't make much sound, just the certain kind of "pop".

so, when i got to the railway station closest to my friend's place, and noticed i just missed a train and nobody was there, i walked behind the glass "house" that's covering the stairs and put the magazine in Ari. and put it in my bag on the top so that it's fast and easy to get out if there's any trouble in sight. normally on Sunday night nothing is.. in summer that might be different though. you now feel disturbed by this story? you're not alone. hahaha. xD (you can stop reading any time! ;))

when i got home i was half frozen, but still decided to drive to the next stop after mine. it's a bit far away but doesn't matter. then up the sand road and into the forest. deep enough to not be seen in lights. in dark forest it's quite a trouble to find a way to anywhere. i had never been in there before, not even by daylight. but i've been in a lot of other forests before, in day and night, and i can say i somewhat know what to wait. all of them are quite the same and spring is the easiest time to move in where no paths are found. a forest in spring smells a certain way. i like that. and the smell of forests in general. it's familiar, i don't feel threatened by anything. at first now it was the same. first ten yellow balls disappeared into the darkness with a little more "pop" than i expected, and i was soon completely frozen. it was much colder than in daytime and very windy. and then: i heard something like there was someone else walking in the forest. not the normal sound of branches and wind. footsteps like my own 20 minutes before. in the darkness when eyes are not for much help my ears start to work better. adjusting to different surroundings. if i get alert my senses usually sharpen, in any situation. i analyze what i hear, like last night, try to find the source and determine if it's a threat or not. that goes almost automatically. i don't remember when i've developed this but must have been as child, to avoid certain situations in school and on the way back from school. the right timing is everything, to have sharp eyes and intuitive hearing. you must see (or better hear) certain things coming to be able to avoid them in time.

that noise made me alert, but i was not afraid. just stood there and listened, feeling nothing. absolutely no fear. i've had the thought often in the past that if i'm put in such a situation that has the potential to develope into a dangerous to me, i'll break. that i can't handle the situation, my brain stops working and i panic. well, i have no idea if there was someone. propably not. but if there had been people who were looking for me i have actually no idea what i would have done. in that long moment listening i went trough different scenarios in my head. calmly, without any feelings. none of them woke fear. to "provoke" more steps i shot two more times in that direction but got only very little response. eventually, i considered the situation "finished" and went home. three yellow balls remaining.

as a conclusion: sounds like footsteps and maybe talk are not to be counted just harmless. with a very good luck my balls flew 20 meters, but i don't think even that in such a full of branches and different sized trees -forest. if aiming at a light shining from behind the forest there might have been a small chance. so a more realistic count would be max 15 meters. it's hard to see how far things are though, in almost complete darkness. to my point: when i go out of my home i'm on a battlefield. there are a lot of obstacles and difficult situations on my way, i always have to be aware of my surroundings. always. watching people is a good way to learn how to determine if they posses a threat or not. most of them of course don't. i have to be better in that. i have to be ready to go alert any time and keep my head cool. i have to learn to better handle my fear. it's absolutely forbidden to show fear in ANY action or situation. fear wakes fear in other people and the situation goes out of control. also, people usually fear things they are not familiar with. so being able to analyze them better would spare me from many troubles. i should learn how to recognise WHAT makes people aggressive or defensive. is it fear, guilt, overactive pride, pure hate? well, i GUESS in most cases it's actually just fear or guilt. O.o

this story shows i have indeed learned something. i didn't panic. my brain worked just the way it should work in such a situation. also it seems like my difficulty of feeling fear in some situations is actually good for something. :) but i must admit i was in surroundings i am familiar with. if there would have been a threat i could have just sat down and fill the magazine again in peace and scare those people by figuring out where they are and giving them a small yellow gift. i don't mind sitting in a cold forest for hours. :P and i'm not afraid getting arrested because something REALLY STUPID like that. :) AND, what's the most important thing, i now have a connection to Ari. :D he even talks to me now! we got closer, that's about all that really matters.

well indeed i don't know if i should publish this or not. propably not, but again, i don't care. i'm not afraid. it can't get worse that the result of the election yesterday. :P (and the fact i have to lie that i voted when i didn't, cause i just couldn't find a party i really liked. there's nothing for me among them. and plus, all of them are just liars and pretenders. thieves and hypocrites. nobody stands for things that i value, they have no honor, and not even the guts to admit that.)

gotta stop now. this is long enough. be back whenever. i'm not home at Easter. movie-day on Saturday and American car show on Sunday. :) bye, and don't be mad at me because of my stupidities. after all, they didn't hurt anyone.

a perfect dream, and stuff

5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.

i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.

in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.

the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.

today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.

right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.

after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.

(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)

the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.

gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.

6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.

..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.

today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.

strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.

now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.

things that make me crazy

23.1. happy happy happy! yesterday evening & night. so proud and happy of Seed. :) i'm very lucky. this very strong happiness surprises me every time again. my heart felt light like a feather, some excitement burning inside but in a regenerating way.

today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.

and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?

well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.

about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.

about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o

and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.

and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.

well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P

24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.

put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.

going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.

28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.

happiness.

that's what i felt yesterday evening, falling asleep, with Seed next to me. the connection is stronger than i imagined it'd be. happiness, pure and euphoric, peace and calmness. a very strong feeling. i don't usually have strong feelings if aggression doesn't count as one. O-o

why i'm writing about this. i don't know. cause i'm so happy, maybe. i'm so lucky to have met him, i'm so lucky and happy i own him, that this dream came true. i'm seeing forward for a little bit brighter future now. a little bit more strength in me.

i don't know why it's only him that's giving me this feeling. maybe i was disappointed at humans. well i've always liked guns. they are something special for me. and i like everything that's black and has edges, plastik and/or metal. electric is also good. :) the happy feelings humans have given me were always just for a short duration. i seem unable to really love anyone, and through these past ten years i've changed to someone else than that one who got married and wanted to become a good housewife. if it was the always present sicknesses that changed me, i don't know. more than that, i guess this ME was always inside here. it was just waiting to be released, and moving back here has set it free.

and yes, i'm actually feeling more free than in years. free to decide what I want with my life, free to surround me with things i really want to own. ready for anything. stronger.

and i really want to become more. get fitter, in body and brain. i'm now motivated, Seed is motivating me, and the somewhat bright light i see in the end of the tunnel. plus that already weakening manic period started to push high again.. i don't get enough sleep, that's propably the main reason. O.o but well, now i have to get into bed. tomorrow early up again to go shopping some things i really need. and i go to see the game store they have opened here in the next city to where my parents live (i'm now staying at theirs for christmas eve and on christmas day i fly back to Germany for a few days).

good night, and Happy Holidays! (plus a song for those who can't stand the christmas carols anymore :)