behind empty eyes

28.2. the last day of this long and depressive month. today i went up. fast. it's not so good when it goes this fast. the depressive thoughts were replaced with aggressive ones and people started to go on my nerves out in the city. tomorrow i'm going to the local clubhouse for other sick people. I DON'T WANT TO. i get strong repulsive feelings about it, and i hate to be forced to wake up at 5:30AM. this cannot be the solution for a longer period. guess i'm only doing it for this year, and try to find something else later. there are other groups and sort of elsewhere, gotta find out about them. i'd even go to that 'only working' -kind of place. stupid, i don't know how these things are called in english and I STILL DON'T HAVE a dictionary.

some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.

been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..

actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.

when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.

well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?

my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.

what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P

1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.

a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?

i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P

and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o

more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!

20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP

the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P

yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.