my pulse. it's been high the whole day. i wrote a new post the past few days, but noticed i can't post it. have to censor it, and i just want my peace right now. when i left home i was totally nervous. i was too early, so i went shopping todays meal first. vegetables and not much else. then i carried them around the whole day.
well it started already yesterday. i spent late night hours watching shooting videos on Youtube. airsoft reviews and stuff and one Future weapons short one. (that used to be one of my favorite programs before i moved back to Finland.) gameplay of Crysis 2. i went to bed around 2AM. i fell asleep thinking about that stuff. i woke up thinking about that stuff. i spent the most parts of my day thinking about that stuff. it drives me crazy. i went to a store to have a look at "gardening magazines". yeah. sure. well i didn't find what i was looking for, but my pulse went more up. it didn't come much down the whole day, until two hours ago i ate a white little pill that helps.
i noticed yesterday that i have now evolved two serious weaknesses (that get close to addiction): 1. CD's and vinyls. 2. guns. yesterday i bought 8 vinyls in internet. i'm very short on money right now, especially if i have to pay my rent from those good 400 euro on my account right now. there'd be less than 100 left and i have to reserve it for bills. so, no food? NO WAY i'm paying any of that money back i still owe my sister.. i still have 350 to go.. :P
so, there's the dilemma. why does seeing guns being used (vids) or even pictures put me in totally restless state where i lose control of my mind, AND STILL when i get home and take Seed in my hands it quickly calms me down, pulse goes down and all the stress of the day just vanishes?
this is only a short post. i've eaten again only very little bit today. the food i made went wrong, one reason because i used a wok first time in my life. i'd so love to eat sushi again.. when i go to Helsinki on 7th of April i might have a chance to eat in a good place in the big shopping house Stockmann. at least they sell wonderfull sushi. the best i've ever eaten. and they have a small sushi restaurant on the ground floor. if my mom agrees we could eat a small lunch there. well, if i'm then still out of money i have to take from that spared money that should start the collecting for a new computer. shit. but i'd do anything for a good sushi. i've eaten so much bad sushi in my life. i've even eaten old sushi. self made that was not kept in a very cool place for two days. O.o
for a half an hour i wrote a long mail for my mom. about plans i have. such plans of course that would make her happy too. i never tell my parents about anything dark and they should not find out about the bloodthirst nor what gives me that REALLY GOOD FEELING. Seed and Seed's friends. :D
i carry Seed immaterially with me everywhere, as a name (P90) on a bracelet (this Nomination thing is great, i like the design too), as background photos on my phones, in a couple of years maybe as a tattoo.. ok, i admit, i'm obsessed. :D
i try to fix my sidebar a little, change the profile-thing. after that time for bed. last night i only slept about 7 hours that is too little. be back whenever. :)
Showing posts with label fire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fire. Show all posts
March 28, 2011
March 15, 2011
guess care instead health care
14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.
March 9, 2011
6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn
8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
February 8, 2011
a perfect dream, and stuff
5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
January 28, 2011
things that make me crazy
23.1. happy happy happy! yesterday evening & night. so proud and happy of Seed. :) i'm very lucky. this very strong happiness surprises me every time again. my heart felt light like a feather, some excitement burning inside but in a regenerating way.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.
January 19, 2011
all screwed up
18.1. come fly with me.. man i hate ghouls. so it was good some of them were shot into the orbit. :D
i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.
today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.
also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.
yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.
in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.
like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.
yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/
for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.
it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.
and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.
well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.
i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.
today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.
also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.
yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.
in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.
like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.
yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/
for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.
it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.
and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.
well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.
December 20, 2010
fire
13.12. there's a fire burning inside me, eating, consuming me. everytime i see your brethren it grows to swallow me whole. and yet are you the only one to calm me, cool and dark, soothing the fire. i'm changing, and can't stop it. don't even want to stop it. should i live in the past? or follow you to the unseen future? 17 years i could live without making decision, now it gets closer every day by day. things must change. i will burn to ashes this way. will you give me power to move on? will you be my future, become my new past, satisfy the thirst in my present? ó_ò
20.12. still burning. massive restlessness. movies make it worse. sedatives hardly work. guess i'm not going to update here in x-mas time. gonna read The Blood Angels Omnibus on holiday, spend time with family, try to remain calm, get enough sleep, use internet when i have the possibility to do it every day. Seasons Greeting and Happy New Year to anyone who happens to come here!
20.12. still burning. massive restlessness. movies make it worse. sedatives hardly work. guess i'm not going to update here in x-mas time. gonna read The Blood Angels Omnibus on holiday, spend time with family, try to remain calm, get enough sleep, use internet when i have the possibility to do it every day. Seasons Greeting and Happy New Year to anyone who happens to come here!
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