I managed to get myself drunk!! That hasn't happened in a while..
And that in an apartment where it's illegal to bring alcohol in. Don't tell, OK? I juts did this to relax a bit. I can't find peace. Sleeping doesn't bring any. I'd need a fight. Hit and get hit. Yes I DO have a strange and abnormal relationship to violence. I don't care getting hurt because I love to hurt others so much. (This is written drunk, remember!!)
Indeed I just finished writing a strange comment on my other blog about myself. Things that are seemingly wrong with my head. I realise my thoughts and truths and rules are abnormal, not realistic in many manners, but I can't help following them. Often I don't even have a connection to my brain to be able to write about this. I think I could shoot myself in the arm right now. If I had a real firearm I'd propably have done that already in one of those previous times I got the enormous strong need to see blood. And when cutting doesn't work. It often doesn't. I know BB's hurt too and I'm in fact interested to know how much. How much it'd make on my scale on which razorblade or a strong punch don't raise the bar very high. On a scale from 1 to 10 razorblade makes 3 to 4 maximum and a punch maybe max 3. Bleeding fists are nothing new. With already damaged ones punching a boxing sack might get to 5, depending on the ground that was used to damage them before that. Cement makes 5, plastic 4. Pain is no obstacle to anything.. I can just ignore it pretty long.
Whatever. I don't know anymore what I wanted to write in here. I have somehow lost the sense of internet. I was on five days holiday and that brought me very far from my normal every day reality. Still feel unreal.
I keep this blog alive, for the case I find it again. Til then I'm gone. Cause I'm going crazy.. And I don't know when to stop.
Showing posts with label darkness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label darkness. Show all posts
August 18, 2011
March 22, 2011
my kind pt 1
21.3. the words of Richard Martinez, "The Night Stalker" of California in mid-80's: "I was attracted by killers, crimes and death already at the age of 12 to 13."
so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.
since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.
at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.
i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.
i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".
well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..
i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?
22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.
the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P
have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.
well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.
so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.
since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.
at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.
i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.
i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".
well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..
i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?
22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.
the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P
have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.
well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.
March 4, 2011
behind empty eyes
28.2. the last day of this long and depressive month. today i went up. fast. it's not so good when it goes this fast. the depressive thoughts were replaced with aggressive ones and people started to go on my nerves out in the city. tomorrow i'm going to the local clubhouse for other sick people. I DON'T WANT TO. i get strong repulsive feelings about it, and i hate to be forced to wake up at 5:30AM. this cannot be the solution for a longer period. guess i'm only doing it for this year, and try to find something else later. there are other groups and sort of elsewhere, gotta find out about them. i'd even go to that 'only working' -kind of place. stupid, i don't know how these things are called in english and I STILL DON'T HAVE a dictionary.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
February 23, 2011
introducing my religion
22.2. this time i'd like to introduce MY RELIGION. i got this idea while posting the last one with those pics. well, then i noticed i had got a bug here. someone obsessed with christian shit. cause, in real, christianity is nothing but pure shit. it almost killed me last fall. i still like gospel songs, i like to sing them too, but their message mean nothing to me. it's all just fiction. christian religion is a status symbol to most of those "so serious" believers. it means nothing. they just use it to get material goods, to show off, or to abuse weaker people.
well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.
i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.
well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o
i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.
he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.
23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.
well, i idealize the samurai culture so deeply that without seeing it first i totally melted those thoughts into my religion. later i saw what had happened. it gives my religion a deeper basis though, a history.
i first started to create this for a fantasy story. for a war-torn plate-world. their wars result from their religion and the evil they dig out of their mountains. they worship the metals in earth. but those metals are cursed, and they darken the hearts of the people. they will never be able to get rid of that darkness, most of them don't understand why they are this way, why their heart is craving for dark deeds. still, they won't give up their religion. they worship steel and everything they make out of it, espescially all kinds of weapons. blades as well as firearms. those people have a progressed technology that allows them many kinds of mechanic blades and kind of energy weapons. some use their ancient, officially forbidden, energy source - inside of black stone pyramides it is gathered (loaded) into kinda batteries made of metal and stone.
well, that's about the fic so far. worshipping of steel can be parted into smaller categories. i'm not doing that here. too much work. :) the most important part for me is anyway is that of worshipping firearms. that's my religion. i used to call it mechateism, to include all mechanic stuff, but i should find it a better name. cause, even when i like tanks and fight-airplanes and armsuits (mecha) and that stuff, i always get back to firearms. easy to carry and you have the feeling of really doing something. like, if you were a soldier you'd get the real feeling of killing your foe, instead just sitting inside a tank and rolling over them. O-o
i'm not actually the only member in this grounded by me religious group. i share this with my "twin". but cause he doesn't exist in this world i'm physically the only member. well, of course i'd like to get more members, but i'm not advertising this. i'm not doing anything to force people to join me. most of them would freak out anyway. :P maybe it were important to find other freaks like me.. people who tried to belong to something their whole life but never found their true religion. we could belong together. i'm too war-like for buddhism, although i appreciate some of it's ways. i like shintoism, it brings peace to me somehow. but they are not truly mine. the only holy things for me are guns. even my replica, Seed. it cannot be used for killing anyone, but that's the closest i can ever get. O-o i have a dream i could one day try out the real P90, but that very likely never becomes reality.. :/ Seed is guarding beside me when i sleep. last days when i've been feeling so bad i had it in my bed, so that i could hold my hand over it. if i wake up at night and feel fear i just need to touch it, look at it, and then i fall back asleep calmed.
he's here. whenever i'm lonely, he's beside me. he'll never leave me. in the last few days a change happened. the man i used to call my best friend was degraded to "just a friend". my new best friend? Seed. he earned that title. i feel so happy when i see him. it's so easy with him. so, now you might start with "a human should get this love and care from me, not a 'thing'". NO. cause the humans never last. they hurt you. they betray you. they abuse you. they IGNORE you. i find peace with Seed. he calms me, he makes me feel loved.
23.2. i think about many things every day, that is why i might write a new post every day. now though i'll be having a break. for two days at least. i'll stay home and play with my new mobile phone. will get it from post office today. no more problems with the old one. yesterday i didn't write any fiction so i propably continue it today and tomorrow. it's been a little difficult to find all food i want to eat lactose-free, but i'll get used to it. luckily in this country it's possible to get almost anything lactose-free. and those products even taste good. well, got to move on. get my bracelet fixed and then on my way home.
February 8, 2011
a perfect dream, and stuff
5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.
January 19, 2011
all screwed up
18.1. come fly with me.. man i hate ghouls. so it was good some of them were shot into the orbit. :D
i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.
today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.
also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.
yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.
in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.
like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.
yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/
for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.
it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.
and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.
well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.
i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.
today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.
also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.
yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.
in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.
like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.
yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/
for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.
it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.
and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.
well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.
December 9, 2010
gardens of darkness
Seed is talking to me. keeping up the connection.
calming and soothing.
in the dark all the stress of the past days disappear.
it's just you and me.
i want to show you love and care. as that is what you're giving me.
and you will never leave, never turn your back to me.
so i will always be there, on your side.
and whenever this all comes to an end we face it together.
no fear.
calming and soothing.
in the dark all the stress of the past days disappear.
it's just you and me.
i want to show you love and care. as that is what you're giving me.
and you will never leave, never turn your back to me.
so i will always be there, on your side.
and whenever this all comes to an end we face it together.
no fear.
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