Here some pics from all over the web. Hope they cheer you readers up. I just feel nothing but this pain inside.
I'm going to bed with a load of painkillers and sleeping pills. Over and out. :P
Showing posts with label bloody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bloody. Show all posts
July 6, 2012
Fucking awful
Here some pics from all over the web. Hope they cheer you readers up. I just feel nothing but this pain inside.
I'm going to bed with a load of painkillers and sleeping pills. Over and out. :P
June 25, 2012
1111
For the alltime pageviews 1111:
This little bitch didn't know when to shut up. And remember, pics get bigger when clicked. ;)
This little bitch didn't know when to shut up. And remember, pics get bigger when clicked. ;)
June 23, 2012
...and the raven's came as I called, and they were potent and radiating dark energy...
Let's start this from beginning. I'm putting here pics and links I find around the web. I'm not connecting this with Facebook as I will most likely post the same stuff. Let this be a sort of centre for dark art and other stuff that interests me...
I'm bored. I ate yesterday bad food and drank wine that all together made me feel awfully sick. I'm still sick. I threw up at night and my throat still hurts, and I got barely rest during the night. Now I have eaten some "low taste profile" food, new potatoes with butter and mackerel in tomato sauce. I'm tired and I stress about housework, and I fear of people coming in here without asking me first. I don't feel safe here, that's awful. It's not like an own home. Outside is cold and raining. I watered my plants. They have grown a lot this summer.
Be back sometime later. I'm not sure if I should delete the older posts.
I'm bored. I ate yesterday bad food and drank wine that all together made me feel awfully sick. I'm still sick. I threw up at night and my throat still hurts, and I got barely rest during the night. Now I have eaten some "low taste profile" food, new potatoes with butter and mackerel in tomato sauce. I'm tired and I stress about housework, and I fear of people coming in here without asking me first. I don't feel safe here, that's awful. It's not like an own home. Outside is cold and raining. I watered my plants. They have grown a lot this summer.
Be back sometime later. I'm not sure if I should delete the older posts.
August 18, 2011
Oh wow
I managed to get myself drunk!! That hasn't happened in a while..
And that in an apartment where it's illegal to bring alcohol in. Don't tell, OK? I juts did this to relax a bit. I can't find peace. Sleeping doesn't bring any. I'd need a fight. Hit and get hit. Yes I DO have a strange and abnormal relationship to violence. I don't care getting hurt because I love to hurt others so much. (This is written drunk, remember!!)
Indeed I just finished writing a strange comment on my other blog about myself. Things that are seemingly wrong with my head. I realise my thoughts and truths and rules are abnormal, not realistic in many manners, but I can't help following them. Often I don't even have a connection to my brain to be able to write about this. I think I could shoot myself in the arm right now. If I had a real firearm I'd propably have done that already in one of those previous times I got the enormous strong need to see blood. And when cutting doesn't work. It often doesn't. I know BB's hurt too and I'm in fact interested to know how much. How much it'd make on my scale on which razorblade or a strong punch don't raise the bar very high. On a scale from 1 to 10 razorblade makes 3 to 4 maximum and a punch maybe max 3. Bleeding fists are nothing new. With already damaged ones punching a boxing sack might get to 5, depending on the ground that was used to damage them before that. Cement makes 5, plastic 4. Pain is no obstacle to anything.. I can just ignore it pretty long.
Whatever. I don't know anymore what I wanted to write in here. I have somehow lost the sense of internet. I was on five days holiday and that brought me very far from my normal every day reality. Still feel unreal.
I keep this blog alive, for the case I find it again. Til then I'm gone. Cause I'm going crazy.. And I don't know when to stop.
And that in an apartment where it's illegal to bring alcohol in. Don't tell, OK? I juts did this to relax a bit. I can't find peace. Sleeping doesn't bring any. I'd need a fight. Hit and get hit. Yes I DO have a strange and abnormal relationship to violence. I don't care getting hurt because I love to hurt others so much. (This is written drunk, remember!!)
Indeed I just finished writing a strange comment on my other blog about myself. Things that are seemingly wrong with my head. I realise my thoughts and truths and rules are abnormal, not realistic in many manners, but I can't help following them. Often I don't even have a connection to my brain to be able to write about this. I think I could shoot myself in the arm right now. If I had a real firearm I'd propably have done that already in one of those previous times I got the enormous strong need to see blood. And when cutting doesn't work. It often doesn't. I know BB's hurt too and I'm in fact interested to know how much. How much it'd make on my scale on which razorblade or a strong punch don't raise the bar very high. On a scale from 1 to 10 razorblade makes 3 to 4 maximum and a punch maybe max 3. Bleeding fists are nothing new. With already damaged ones punching a boxing sack might get to 5, depending on the ground that was used to damage them before that. Cement makes 5, plastic 4. Pain is no obstacle to anything.. I can just ignore it pretty long.
Whatever. I don't know anymore what I wanted to write in here. I have somehow lost the sense of internet. I was on five days holiday and that brought me very far from my normal every day reality. Still feel unreal.
I keep this blog alive, for the case I find it again. Til then I'm gone. Cause I'm going crazy.. And I don't know when to stop.
August 1, 2011
Whatever
I wanted to put this blog behind a password but I can't do that - that option doesn't EXIST. So just leave it. Who cares. Nobody reads this anyway. :)
I've been moving around today a lot (online). I had this blog removed from Youtube and my second put in there, but removed it after the last post too. Instead there's now the link to my Flickr-account as my homepage. Guess that's OK. I wrote quite serious and truthful in Sitamar tonight. I had the need to let it out. Even when it might hurt me. People don't usually take it too nicely when you admit you just use them to get what you want. :P Whatever. I have thought about that for almost a year.
I wrote about that I want to kill people. Most of them out there find that scary too. But it's been long inside of me. Looooooooong. 20 years or so.
Should go to sleep. My cat sleeps too. But I just sit here and think. Think about bad things. One drop of blood, is that too much asked? Can't I have even just one small drop? But I know it doesn't help to see my own blood. I'd love to go out now. I'd love to LET GO.
Instead I just keep sitting here and a teardrop runs down my face.
I've been moving around today a lot (online). I had this blog removed from Youtube and my second put in there, but removed it after the last post too. Instead there's now the link to my Flickr-account as my homepage. Guess that's OK. I wrote quite serious and truthful in Sitamar tonight. I had the need to let it out. Even when it might hurt me. People don't usually take it too nicely when you admit you just use them to get what you want. :P Whatever. I have thought about that for almost a year.
I wrote about that I want to kill people. Most of them out there find that scary too. But it's been long inside of me. Looooooooong. 20 years or so.
Should go to sleep. My cat sleeps too. But I just sit here and think. Think about bad things. One drop of blood, is that too much asked? Can't I have even just one small drop? But I know it doesn't help to see my own blood. I'd love to go out now. I'd love to LET GO.
Instead I just keep sitting here and a teardrop runs down my face.
June 28, 2011
burned to ashes
28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
May 15, 2011
how was your day? pt 1
today, 15th May 2011.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
April 13, 2011
dreams, good and bad
13.4. today is better than yesterday and previously this week. yesterday i had a bad down. fell back down to depression and hurt myself in search for escape. i don't feel safe anymore. but last night i had a good long dream. nightmare and a stressdream before it didn't disturb me much.
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".
March 22, 2011
my kind pt 1
21.3. the words of Richard Martinez, "The Night Stalker" of California in mid-80's: "I was attracted by killers, crimes and death already at the age of 12 to 13."
so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.
since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.
at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.
i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.
i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".
well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..
i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?
22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.
the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P
have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.
well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.
so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.
since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.
at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.
i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.
i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".
well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..
i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?
22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.
the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P
have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.
well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.
March 18, 2011
i place my heart in your hand
16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
January 19, 2011
all screwed up
18.1. come fly with me.. man i hate ghouls. so it was good some of them were shot into the orbit. :D
i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.
today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.
also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.
yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.
in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.
like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.
yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/
for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.
it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.
and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.
well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.
i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.
today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.
also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.
yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.
in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.
like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.
yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/
for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.
it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.
and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.
well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.
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