nightmares, continued

16.2. should have edited the photos of Seed i want to post here, but got stuck looking through photos from summer 2009. it seemed endless and full of beautiful evenings, warm, and happy things. i know it wasn't that happy. but those photos showed the best sides of it. they are telling another story than what truly happened. :/

i got really sad. i miss my former home and all the nice things i had there. i've had nothing familiar here, that was why it was impossible to get a reality check in the fall when i got homeless. i have gathered some stuff, bowls, decoration, nice plates and such. but they are still new. how it comes, Seed is about the only object i'm truly familiar with. i've lived with photos of him for years. in the old photos there was only brightness, they seemed to somehow glorify my old home. they don't show how dark it felt sometimes, how much bad things happened there, how much anxiety the walls held inside. all the shed blood they've seen. :/ i miss my stuff that's still there, and the good moments i had there, but like the Christmas visit showed, if i go there i also always remember the bad things. they cannot be washed away.

today i was in Helsinki, in order to finally find the spoons i want, and buy new mangas. and i just did those two things. spoons, mangas. then i left. unsatisfied. feeling guilty. i should have tried to get everything out of the rare visit.

and it has a reason. cause last night i had a dream.. i've kept having nightmares lately, and this one was one too. it might not have been that horrible, but it left a really strong bad feeling that i still haven't got rid of. other parts of it were stressy too, but the worst was the one with my mom. she had just found out about Seed, and she was really mad at me. we were upstairs in their house, before the balcony door where they now have only plants cause they don't heat the upstairs regurlary. she went back down and came back with dad's old pistol. it looked different than i remembered, kinda silver, and strangely oily. mom gave it to my hand, and said "now take that and explain with that why the guns are so special/important to you". i just stood there. i could not say a word. i could not defend myself, nor my "friends", and i felt awful. like i let them down, i let Seed down. i was like frozen.

i've felt guilty because of that the whole day. i'm still totally afraid of mom and dad when they get angry. the fear is sitting so deep i've not been able to cut it out. i fear what they could do to me. i feel guilty cause i should have stood up for Seed. if not for myself, i should have tried to defend him. i felt so bad letting him down i felt like i should have given him a present or a kind, should have bought something for him cause i'm so sorry. and this because of a dream.

now i'm sad because i don't have a home, and it feels again like everything's breaking apart. (i'd need a drink... even sake with orange juice would do..) i'm totally unsatisfied with the stuff to read i bought. it's all series i really love, found even one part that has been quite impossible to get cause they stopped the production last year, and on my way back home i thought about starting to collect the Dragonball Z series. the tv-serie has been really important to me in the past, i've seen every part at least two times, most three or four, some even five to six. the Cell Saga is the most important one for me cause that was where i started when i first time saw it on a tzech or polish channel that had ants running over the picture and where i didn't understand a word of what was spoken. later it aired in Germany too. never seen the original in japanese, nor the english version. well, i can say thinking about that was the only flash of light in this day. O_o

well now music is making me feel a little better, maybe "the white pill" too. :P it should also give a better sleep. last night i felt awfully ill. oh, yes, like my name! had to puke too. :P i hate to have to do it, but it also helps cause when i have the reason that caused my ill feeling out of me it gets better and i can sleep again. always been like that. in the past year i have had to do it about four times more often than in the last ten years. what does that tell about my VERY HEALTHY eating habits.. :P it also lately comes without any special reason. like, yesterday i didn't eat anything i'm allergic against, just quite a lot, more than normally, and quite fast too, and i think the evening pills did also a part. i hate this shit of a medication... the morning pill makes me a zombie for hours and the 1st evening set does have absolutely no effect and the 2nd set drops me totally (it's the same stuff than in the morning). i'm a zombie the whole night and still won't get enough rest.

i think of calling to my clinic tomorrow and maybe trying to get a time to talk to somebody for friday, or just talk in phone, that's alright too. i just feel so bad all the time. ;_;

maybe the pictures in another post, trying to make it a little more positive. if i get anything done, if i find fitting "pairings". i don't really like the thought of pairing Seed with a flower. O_o it'd do in a more artistic, more feminine setting, but not really in this case where i want to give a good impression also of myself. and i'm not feminine artistic. :P i do MY stuff and that's mostly dark and edgy. but i don't like to make a full collage either, the main object, Seed, has to stay in the center of attention and the other clutter just around it, but couldn't find anything "just right" in the 2009 pictures. i continue tomorrow with works from further in the past.

P.S. NO PHOTOS. not yet. editing still not done. have been feeling v e r y bad, plus i continued to write SP. about 10 pages in two days. so that's what i've been doing.. be back later.