Here some pics from all over the web. Hope they cheer you readers up. I just feel nothing but this pain inside.
I'm going to bed with a load of painkillers and sleeping pills. Over and out. :P
Showing posts with label feeling bad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeling bad. Show all posts
July 6, 2012
Fucking awful
Here some pics from all over the web. Hope they cheer you readers up. I just feel nothing but this pain inside.
I'm going to bed with a load of painkillers and sleeping pills. Over and out. :P
July 17, 2011
Talk about games and being tired
14.7. In the middle of the night. This is MY time.
I started watching Army of Two vids. I like that game really a lot. I've played it with a friend on his XBOX 360, but I never really got used to the pad. I just don't understand how it works. All the games I've played before were on PC. Still, we got quite far. First the training where I tried my best to learn the basic controls, but a long time I could not really move smoothly cause of that damn round thing that is used to move on the pad. I always turn it wrong, it feels totally unlogical and I can't turn around and move the camera position at the same time. Then we moved to the point he got stuck with his AI. We got through that point and I found a solution to a problem he didn't get through (propably cause the AI is sometimes a dumbass, and it was somewhat tricky), then we even got to the second last mission or whatever it was, but didn't get through. My friend always had to take my pad to save himself. :P But I played it with my eyes glued to the screen more than three hours without noticing time passing, and when we gave up my both arms were totally numb from sitting in a totally wrong position. Later he tried it with another friend (also a woman but she's playing mostly on PC and is a friend of "brainless shooting games" like my friend always says - but I don't understand what's wrong with them, great way to relax), and it took more than an hour to get through the point where we got stuck. Respawning enemies and not a good place to use aggro. Eventually they finished the game.
Well, I'd like to play that with someone too. With an AI it's always a little stupid cause even in strategy the AI mostly doesn't go where they should go, it's annoying. And in some FPS they start camping and you have to do all the work. But I have right now another problem than the not existing PC. My motorics have lost everyting they once knew. I have played many things with only keyboard (at those times when mouse was not that useful yet), but that's a very long time ago. It's also at least 6 years since I last time played strategy. Damn. And if I don't have a PC I can't train the controls, and if I can't train it's useless to even try fast pace games. I'd die every second. I can follow them with my eyes, I see things those people making those vids don't see. "Shit he missed that box of ammo." "Shit he missed those meds." "Why didn't he notice there was a doctor in the place he just was in, when he always says he desparately needs a doctor?" "Why didn't he check out that or that box?" "If he is looking for a new gun why does he all the time miss those he likes when he's running around?" "And shit he missed that ammo box again." After I started with Crysis 2 some time ago (a long while ago to be exact) I could hardly keep up with the pace. So I quit it for a while. Halo is too fast for me anyway. As game Halo is at all not nearly as interesting than the world around the game. I've seen my friend playing both of them and even he has problems keeping up with that tempo.
Well, I have planned clearly how to start with my training to get better motorics. Cause Second life is not running on my laptop I guess I have to give it up. It has a lag that makes me wish I had Windows 3.11, even that would be faster. So, when I get my PC I first put it together (and I don't want such that "everybody" would buy, I want a somewhat customised one, that fits for my purpose that is 80% playing and 20% photo manipulating. I know it will cost, but I'm ready for that. Still, 600 euro is the highest price), install the security stuff - and I don't want that fucking F-Secure, it's rubbish - and update everything, and I will not have it connected to my laptop as long as I'm using the internet here. My stick would break together every minute if trying to play something online, so I'll have to buy a modem too sometime.
Then, I have Spore. It fits perfectly to train controls like moving around and such. When I'm somewhat done with it I move to Fallout 3. It's my alltime favourite. ^^ And it's not very fast paced. I have a clear plan about what to do in it in the beginning to get the most out of it (and yes, I'm playing it with evil karma). I'm female but I'll play it clearly with male character. Not as vulnerable, takes more hits. The female character can move faster and jump higher but I'm a tank.
After that I can move to those more FPS. And one thing I hate is 3rd person view. Before I always got seasick about that. I've slowly gotten use to that but it's so difficult to figure out what's going on when you only see someone's back. The camera is moving uncontrollable. I have to move my eyes too much in different directions.
I don't think I'll be good in any game for a very long time. But I like them. And when seeing a video I get the strong feeling I really want to play that by myself. This is something I have missed. Long time ago as teenager me and my brother could play the old Wolfenstein on my uncles computer. Our parents didn't like that. I don't know anymore if they ever where there as we played. My mom dislikes just any game nowadays. I guess she'd even hate Farmville, if she'd use Facebook... O_o But that time I got good critic, even when I never finished the game like my brother. He tried it as many times as it took to finish. I just gave up when it got too difficult. Still, I always remember what my uncle said to me: "You are a good killer." ^^ It boosted up my selfconfidence that was extremely low at that time. I have remembered it, and I want to become that again. I could pick targets fast and get them killed and then searched every corner for secrets and treasures. I've always liked to loot everything. Although I got some really bad dreams from that game (not only that, but the rest came from school and my that time very sick and psychotic mind, god I'm happy that's gone). In games I like sniping. It has something that fits my personality. I can wait for hours and it's fun to pick targets from far away and blast their heads off without them noticing where that bullet came from. Well small birds have whispered to me that "no-one" really likes sniping.. Hmmm..
Guess I should go to bed. It's over 2PM.. And pray my holy guardians to give me peace and strength. Also my body temperature is shooting up and down again, that's not a good sign. Bye.
17.7. Late evening: I have been feeling better, so I thought I might be able to take 2 x 40cl energy drink. We will see what effects it has. It could bring me to the same fucking state I was in Thursday, Friday and yesterday. Whatever. I relax with Fallout 3 evil karma videos. It's the only thing that relaxes me right now. Had to cut down medication dose and leave another one completely away. Try to get an appointment to any doctor tomorrow. To get their blessing on my self made changes.
I got a giant problem today that's bringing me in great trouble in August if I don't find a solution very soon. More pressure. More and more pressure all the time. More and more nightmares. More and more tired, depressed, unable to do anything. I'm totally stuck. I take care of Maru, that's all, I don't care about myself anymore.
My blood pressure got measured on Friday and it was too low. Guess it's better now. I try to eat some meal every day. Thought about buying a new mouse for my new computer. I should go into shops and look for PC's, or ask what kind of compilations they could order me and what do they cost. A customised one is saving me from doing all that by myself. Not that I couldn't do that, it's just sometimes annoying to do all the same things over and over again, uninstall shit and install what I want. I don't want any stupid Office for home that costs millions, I can use Open Office etc. I want to have those I need, no useless extras. Can't explain this really. Hope you get the point anyway. Have to buy some programs for it anyway. And a new screen. Am thinking how to arrange my living room so that I don't need to buy a new computer desk. This one has place for one more - if I put the monitor somewhere else that's directly in front of the keyboard that's the only thing despite mouse that can be used on this (cause this is made for laptops) table. The box goes under the table anyway. I get a modem and pull the cable from entrance to here, it makes a straight line when I put this table to opposite position. I also have then more place for my legs.. After that I'll only use the laptop when travelling. I use it right now at least 5 hours every day, mostly more than that. I hate it that the internet connection breaks down every few hours. On daytime it's useless to be online. Late evening and night are much better. All the other users of this network are sleeping. A new modem could cost about 79 euro. That's one price I got when asking from one shop. The next one comes when that guy calls me back this coming week.
--
Some text messaging. I have started to dislike it. I have started to dislike everything that has to do with my family and previous friends. Don't know if it's just this depression again. I'm just tired of all that talk. I'd like to cut all contact for a while. Guess that's what I'm gonna do now. Keep a break. I have thought about deleting all my forever inactive family members and friends from my messenger list. I'll do it now. I won't be using Facebook (you can't see anything in my profile there anyway) and maybe stop updating blogs. I'd have something to say throughoutly, but I just think no-one's interested. So let it be. I'll be online for sure, but using mostly Youtube and maybe some other sites, I might start using some message boards again. If you got my messenger ID you can find me there. Otherwise, happy rest of July.
I started watching Army of Two vids. I like that game really a lot. I've played it with a friend on his XBOX 360, but I never really got used to the pad. I just don't understand how it works. All the games I've played before were on PC. Still, we got quite far. First the training where I tried my best to learn the basic controls, but a long time I could not really move smoothly cause of that damn round thing that is used to move on the pad. I always turn it wrong, it feels totally unlogical and I can't turn around and move the camera position at the same time. Then we moved to the point he got stuck with his AI. We got through that point and I found a solution to a problem he didn't get through (propably cause the AI is sometimes a dumbass, and it was somewhat tricky), then we even got to the second last mission or whatever it was, but didn't get through. My friend always had to take my pad to save himself. :P But I played it with my eyes glued to the screen more than three hours without noticing time passing, and when we gave up my both arms were totally numb from sitting in a totally wrong position. Later he tried it with another friend (also a woman but she's playing mostly on PC and is a friend of "brainless shooting games" like my friend always says - but I don't understand what's wrong with them, great way to relax), and it took more than an hour to get through the point where we got stuck. Respawning enemies and not a good place to use aggro. Eventually they finished the game.
Well, I'd like to play that with someone too. With an AI it's always a little stupid cause even in strategy the AI mostly doesn't go where they should go, it's annoying. And in some FPS they start camping and you have to do all the work. But I have right now another problem than the not existing PC. My motorics have lost everyting they once knew. I have played many things with only keyboard (at those times when mouse was not that useful yet), but that's a very long time ago. It's also at least 6 years since I last time played strategy. Damn. And if I don't have a PC I can't train the controls, and if I can't train it's useless to even try fast pace games. I'd die every second. I can follow them with my eyes, I see things those people making those vids don't see. "Shit he missed that box of ammo." "Shit he missed those meds." "Why didn't he notice there was a doctor in the place he just was in, when he always says he desparately needs a doctor?" "Why didn't he check out that or that box?" "If he is looking for a new gun why does he all the time miss those he likes when he's running around?" "And shit he missed that ammo box again." After I started with Crysis 2 some time ago (a long while ago to be exact) I could hardly keep up with the pace. So I quit it for a while. Halo is too fast for me anyway. As game Halo is at all not nearly as interesting than the world around the game. I've seen my friend playing both of them and even he has problems keeping up with that tempo.
Well, I have planned clearly how to start with my training to get better motorics. Cause Second life is not running on my laptop I guess I have to give it up. It has a lag that makes me wish I had Windows 3.11, even that would be faster. So, when I get my PC I first put it together (and I don't want such that "everybody" would buy, I want a somewhat customised one, that fits for my purpose that is 80% playing and 20% photo manipulating. I know it will cost, but I'm ready for that. Still, 600 euro is the highest price), install the security stuff - and I don't want that fucking F-Secure, it's rubbish - and update everything, and I will not have it connected to my laptop as long as I'm using the internet here. My stick would break together every minute if trying to play something online, so I'll have to buy a modem too sometime.
Then, I have Spore. It fits perfectly to train controls like moving around and such. When I'm somewhat done with it I move to Fallout 3. It's my alltime favourite. ^^ And it's not very fast paced. I have a clear plan about what to do in it in the beginning to get the most out of it (and yes, I'm playing it with evil karma). I'm female but I'll play it clearly with male character. Not as vulnerable, takes more hits. The female character can move faster and jump higher but I'm a tank.
After that I can move to those more FPS. And one thing I hate is 3rd person view. Before I always got seasick about that. I've slowly gotten use to that but it's so difficult to figure out what's going on when you only see someone's back. The camera is moving uncontrollable. I have to move my eyes too much in different directions.
I don't think I'll be good in any game for a very long time. But I like them. And when seeing a video I get the strong feeling I really want to play that by myself. This is something I have missed. Long time ago as teenager me and my brother could play the old Wolfenstein on my uncles computer. Our parents didn't like that. I don't know anymore if they ever where there as we played. My mom dislikes just any game nowadays. I guess she'd even hate Farmville, if she'd use Facebook... O_o But that time I got good critic, even when I never finished the game like my brother. He tried it as many times as it took to finish. I just gave up when it got too difficult. Still, I always remember what my uncle said to me: "You are a good killer." ^^ It boosted up my selfconfidence that was extremely low at that time. I have remembered it, and I want to become that again. I could pick targets fast and get them killed and then searched every corner for secrets and treasures. I've always liked to loot everything. Although I got some really bad dreams from that game (not only that, but the rest came from school and my that time very sick and psychotic mind, god I'm happy that's gone). In games I like sniping. It has something that fits my personality. I can wait for hours and it's fun to pick targets from far away and blast their heads off without them noticing where that bullet came from. Well small birds have whispered to me that "no-one" really likes sniping.. Hmmm..
Guess I should go to bed. It's over 2PM.. And pray my holy guardians to give me peace and strength. Also my body temperature is shooting up and down again, that's not a good sign. Bye.
17.7. Late evening: I have been feeling better, so I thought I might be able to take 2 x 40cl energy drink. We will see what effects it has. It could bring me to the same fucking state I was in Thursday, Friday and yesterday. Whatever. I relax with Fallout 3 evil karma videos. It's the only thing that relaxes me right now. Had to cut down medication dose and leave another one completely away. Try to get an appointment to any doctor tomorrow. To get their blessing on my self made changes.
I got a giant problem today that's bringing me in great trouble in August if I don't find a solution very soon. More pressure. More and more pressure all the time. More and more nightmares. More and more tired, depressed, unable to do anything. I'm totally stuck. I take care of Maru, that's all, I don't care about myself anymore.
My blood pressure got measured on Friday and it was too low. Guess it's better now. I try to eat some meal every day. Thought about buying a new mouse for my new computer. I should go into shops and look for PC's, or ask what kind of compilations they could order me and what do they cost. A customised one is saving me from doing all that by myself. Not that I couldn't do that, it's just sometimes annoying to do all the same things over and over again, uninstall shit and install what I want. I don't want any stupid Office for home that costs millions, I can use Open Office etc. I want to have those I need, no useless extras. Can't explain this really. Hope you get the point anyway. Have to buy some programs for it anyway. And a new screen. Am thinking how to arrange my living room so that I don't need to buy a new computer desk. This one has place for one more - if I put the monitor somewhere else that's directly in front of the keyboard that's the only thing despite mouse that can be used on this (cause this is made for laptops) table. The box goes under the table anyway. I get a modem and pull the cable from entrance to here, it makes a straight line when I put this table to opposite position. I also have then more place for my legs.. After that I'll only use the laptop when travelling. I use it right now at least 5 hours every day, mostly more than that. I hate it that the internet connection breaks down every few hours. On daytime it's useless to be online. Late evening and night are much better. All the other users of this network are sleeping. A new modem could cost about 79 euro. That's one price I got when asking from one shop. The next one comes when that guy calls me back this coming week.
--
Some text messaging. I have started to dislike it. I have started to dislike everything that has to do with my family and previous friends. Don't know if it's just this depression again. I'm just tired of all that talk. I'd like to cut all contact for a while. Guess that's what I'm gonna do now. Keep a break. I have thought about deleting all my forever inactive family members and friends from my messenger list. I'll do it now. I won't be using Facebook (you can't see anything in my profile there anyway) and maybe stop updating blogs. I'd have something to say throughoutly, but I just think no-one's interested. So let it be. I'll be online for sure, but using mostly Youtube and maybe some other sites, I might start using some message boards again. If you got my messenger ID you can find me there. Otherwise, happy rest of July.
July 8, 2011
Fallout 3 fanfic, first look inside
This time, we're back with the project I told about some time ago. I have continued a little, but it's somehow stuck. Everything in my head is mixed up because of other things, can't think creative. And this time in the beginning with my cat is not easy. It would be a big lie to say so.
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
But here are two exerpts of my Fallout 3 -fanfiction. Note: this is not the final version and it propably has some errors, but also I'm not all the time following the story told in the game, just want to tell something based on it. Put some people alive and bind them to the game story. First one is told by that badass Billy, second one by coldblooded Cole who used to be nice long time ago.
--
1
The overseer decided to disgrade mom. She was no longer a full graduated doctor. She never told what was the reason, but she too liked to do research on her own, the curiosity my sisters herited. Propably she poked a little too deep into the overseers waspnest. She was only given the basic work, to sew the wounds people got in their duties, cure radiation poisoning people got when cleaning the tunnels that lead upwards. Never figured out what they were for. The vault should stay sealed for centuries, so why build unsecure tunnels where radiation can soak in?
People started to feel insecure. It was the athmosphere. There were more roaches than in decades. They breeded faster than we got them killed. They even attacked people in the main tunnels and meetingrooms. I might also have played a part in making our vault insecure. Who knows...
Yes, indeed, there's a good chance for that. Shooting at people with a modified dart-gun ain't the best way to make friends. I used to go to the lab where my dad was working and disturb them by shooting everything they had on the tables. They hurt their hands and yelled at me. And the overseer locked me up for a while. He and my dad had some kind of an agreement about me. They tried to teach me to behave. Sorry, but you failed. I stole from everyone and kept a poker face if I got caught. They all yelled at me. I shut my ears from all of it. It didn't mean anything. I had a goal: to get out of the vault. Didn't know how. My sister used and old fire escape tunnel, but it was destroyed after she came back in. And then, one day, I found a note which described how to open the sealed vault door. That day I broke in to the overseer's office. He was in the lab, he wouldn't return in a while. I broke the lock of his safe and took all the caps he had, his 9mm pistol – a real one and he had bullets too – and that note. After that I laid fire there, to make sure he wouldn't get me immediately.
And while everyone was busy with the fire I went to find the outer door. Guards saw me, guessed what I was up to, and I had to defend myself. With a knife, and a baseball bat I stole from a "friend". It was quite a fun. And they died in real. First they yelled at me and then they were silent and I could steal what they had in their pockets.
2
She was still a little girl, but her knowledge – it was what I most admired in her. She was bright as a morning star. She never lost her goals from sight. She had two little puppies back then. She told me she raised dogs and then sold them to caravan guides and other people who were in need of a guard dog. I once saw a wanderer sell his dog to a bunch of raiders, a dog he had bought from Moira just an hour ago. That was so wrong. But I didn't tell Moira. I didn't want to break her heart. She always wanted her puppies to have a good life with good people, and she was afraid of raiders. Of course she never showed it. She was so strong. She was curious about them, but wouldn't have left Megaton just to watch their habits.
When I met her she already had the vision of a great book for the travellers in The Wasteland. I helped her out, as much as I could. But since I heard that my dad had been in Megaton and where he had gone I just had to follow him. I wanted to know why. Why he left, why he left me behind, what secrets were so important.
I do helped the people in Megaton, as much as I could. But this bomb-thing... It was something I didn't want to get involved in. They would manage it somehow, I thought. And Megaton had such a great sheriff. He was proud of his people and I always looked up to him. I wanted to become someone like him. (It didn't quite work out I think as the rest of my adult life shows...) But what could you expect from a youth? Unexperienced, just out of the Vault, someone who could hardly use any weapon... I was very naive, and it brought me from one trouble to the next.
Like when I started to help out Moira with her book. She needed some basic information and I thought of myself to be able to get that information for her. I got badly wounded by raiders and mirelurks almost killed me when I went to search their nest. I had such luck to get out there at all.
I helped in anything. I repaired things, searched for clean water sources, or water sources at all, tried to find food and medical equipment. Everything I found and couldn't use by myself I sold and bought something else with the caps I got. At first – and this was really stupid but I knew so little – I tried to buy with pre-war money. It was easy to find and gather loads of it. And it was all almost worthless! Some people paid lots of caps for it though. I don't know why and for what they wanted to have it. To build up a pre-war store with all kinds of left over pre-war food, toys, old bottles, lunchboxes and such? In which people could pay with pre-war money? For an illusion of "good old times" they had never experienced?
--
Seems like my days are getting longer and longer (as in nature it's other way round), yesterday I went to bed somewhere around 2AM. And slept then til 11:40AM.
Think I'm going to write something else too today. Just feel like it would work to get some new pages to the old jerk that still goes with the name Sunset People. Even though I have written it completely new. Just have not found any other name yet. The old original one had about 120 A4-pages handwritten in artificial coma caused my the worst psychose medicin that exists.. ..Risperdal. Ever heard? It's pure shit. Anyway, the new version pulls all the strings better together, changes some characters more to the direction they are "currently", leaves out old shit and puts in new, better shit, and the most important: makes the characters to personalities, not just paper cuts. Each one is someone, with his/her good and bad sides, with unique worldview, opinions and behaviour. Well, some might look like "all the same", but their living and working situation is mostly causing some of them to start think alike, and there ARE some assholes who easily go with the flow, especially when it comes to humiliating and abusing someone of their own.
Later: I'm still reading it through. 55 of 77 pages done. Have also made small changes, like repaired a few lines or told something a different way if I notice it looks strange because of my still-not-very-good finnish. Amazing how one can forget one language by learning a new one. And now I'm ruining finnish as well as german by training my english. O.o Guess it's time for a break, or better to quit for today. After I next time take photos and videos from my camera I'll show my current wallpaper. It's cool. It's a picture of SCAR from Crysis 2. Fits well as right now I have black windows. I change the color all the time. In Firefox I have a CoD Modern Warfare 2 -theme from Personas. With my small screen I don't have much to choose from. The reason why I don't just post the wallpaper is I don't want to open Gimp to make it smaller, and if you want it you can download it from MyCrysis (link in the sidebar) anyway. And I want to show how my desktop looks like.
Heh, I'm getting drunk tonight. ^.^ With two 40cl energy drinks. It is bad for my body though. Sometimes I get a panic attack from them. :P So, I don't recommend this kind of irresponsible behaviour to anyone.. This only makes my sliding daily rhythm worse. I like night, but having people to interact with it's hard to turn nocturnal. I have on Saturday someone coming here and looking how my place looks like now when I have my stuff here. And how I'm doing. Not so great right now..
*rest got censored, it was rubbish anyway*
July 6, 2011
Respawn
Well, now this blog is running by a new author. This was a necessary move to clean up my old Blogger account and separate blogs, move some to WordPress and kill two others.
Facebook clean up is still going on. If interested you can still find me there and in some cases I might even accept a friend request. But first I throw all my now existing friends out of there and close my wall from any others than friends. I might keep posting if I get friends there, but otherwise I'm just using it to follow sites I like to get news cause they don't advertise in any newspapers (well, and I don't read them anyway).
So now this blog is removed from my old Blogger account and there will exist no links between these. My Youtube account will be from now on the only link here, if other people don't link here from their sites. I'm ok with that, link how much you ever want, but DON'T MENTION MY OLD SCREEN NAME when you do that, thank you. Use this new one.
Just took some photos of my cat Maru when he is sitting on a box under my table. With flash. And no green eyes this time. ^^ Earlier today when he was in entrance room and I was here in living room I saw his eyes glow green. ^^
For now, you can read more about me in that "About me" page in sidebar (now updated). Just casual and stupid talk. Although, you should take that important notice seriously. Nobody cares about what you do at home, but in public there are rules that everyone should follow. Right now I am experiencing a deep fall and just don't care what happens. I take risks that could bring me in real trouble, and I know I might go crazy just anytime. Even when there are no visible psychotic signs. So, carrying a gun with me in public actually is provocating a dangerous situation.. But I don't care. Not for myself. I do everything for my cat, but what happens with me doesn't matter. I have cuts on my both wrists and on my neck and my right fist starts turning blue and green from hitting it against the wall. So what? Who cares if I don't?
Facebook clean up is still going on. If interested you can still find me there and in some cases I might even accept a friend request. But first I throw all my now existing friends out of there and close my wall from any others than friends. I might keep posting if I get friends there, but otherwise I'm just using it to follow sites I like to get news cause they don't advertise in any newspapers (well, and I don't read them anyway).
So now this blog is removed from my old Blogger account and there will exist no links between these. My Youtube account will be from now on the only link here, if other people don't link here from their sites. I'm ok with that, link how much you ever want, but DON'T MENTION MY OLD SCREEN NAME when you do that, thank you. Use this new one.
Just took some photos of my cat Maru when he is sitting on a box under my table. With flash. And no green eyes this time. ^^ Earlier today when he was in entrance room and I was here in living room I saw his eyes glow green. ^^
For now, you can read more about me in that "About me" page in sidebar (now updated). Just casual and stupid talk. Although, you should take that important notice seriously. Nobody cares about what you do at home, but in public there are rules that everyone should follow. Right now I am experiencing a deep fall and just don't care what happens. I take risks that could bring me in real trouble, and I know I might go crazy just anytime. Even when there are no visible psychotic signs. So, carrying a gun with me in public actually is provocating a dangerous situation.. But I don't care. Not for myself. I do everything for my cat, but what happens with me doesn't matter. I have cuts on my both wrists and on my neck and my right fist starts turning blue and green from hitting it against the wall. So what? Who cares if I don't?
June 28, 2011
burned to ashes
28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
May 24, 2011
lost you somewhere :/
(1-2PM) thrown back to the year 2000 in one night. and not to those few good memories. everything seems broken again. nightmares in which those who i wan't to be friends with IRL or online turn me down because i freaked them out, there are insects in my sugar bag and i see poor hurt cats who'd need someone to take care of them and i can't do anything. ;_; awake half the night, couldn't get sleep when just crying all the time, then finally the meds worked and i fell asleep, only to wake up to this nightmare again.
one good day in a while and everyone tries to spoil it from me - and they do managed in that. isn't it just good if i at least sometimes (and this year has been hard) in a while feel happy and content? don't need to think about all the problems for a while? can relax and shut off my brain from all the other daily trouble? i'm heavily stressed right now, i need something my mind can rest on. and if i find something like that certain people just feel like they have to "bring me back to reality" or whatever and take me even the tiniest bit of joy. it's not healthy to always dwell on the problems and i don't WANT to do that all the time. they do cause me stress but i don't want to have them on my daily plan.
i have dreams. i hope them to come true one day. i'm not crushing the dreams of other people or critisizing them if they don't clean up or take care of their problems either. so why should someone feel the need to crush my dreams and constantly remind me of the bad things, as if i didn't know by myself how difficult it is in a life like this where nothing is stable?
as soon as i get back the shirt i forgot in his place i'll kick him out of my life, or at least mostly. in my dream he was the one to walk out of my life. he's normally not that sort of person who gets angered easily. he has a lots of calmer attitude than me. but calling me a scared dog who's trying to lurk away of trouble? that i should get my life in order before worrying about bad internet connection or getting a pet? hey, here's nothing going to change! ever. i'll stay unstable the rest of my life. the meds can only even it down a bit, never completely. i have accepted that and i'm doing fine, i take it how it comes as i can't do a thing to avoid it anyway. in good times i want to have fun, relax and enjoy that time. as i know there's a bad time to come which i have to survive, mostly without any help from others. i don't easily accept help from people i don't fully trust. and there are about none of such, and those who try to help of their own initiative usually just don't understand how serious this can get, or they don't know what to do. it's nice they try, though. i listen to my guts when it comes to people i trust. and if it takes a long time to feel easy with someone, or gaining trust, that's a sign it won't work forever. i can't force myself to trust someone. i try to be open and friendly, but i'm constantly afraid to be betrayed and backstabbed by those people. abandoned and turned down. and i'm sorry for everyone who tries to help, but right now i have no-one to fully trust. except my guns. and maybe my laptop..
damn tears still keep flowing out of my eyes. :/ i tell myself to stop whining like a scared dog and move on, but my feelings just won't let go. have no-one to talk to, that's why i'm posting this everywhere. :/
one good day in a while and everyone tries to spoil it from me - and they do managed in that. isn't it just good if i at least sometimes (and this year has been hard) in a while feel happy and content? don't need to think about all the problems for a while? can relax and shut off my brain from all the other daily trouble? i'm heavily stressed right now, i need something my mind can rest on. and if i find something like that certain people just feel like they have to "bring me back to reality" or whatever and take me even the tiniest bit of joy. it's not healthy to always dwell on the problems and i don't WANT to do that all the time. they do cause me stress but i don't want to have them on my daily plan.
i have dreams. i hope them to come true one day. i'm not crushing the dreams of other people or critisizing them if they don't clean up or take care of their problems either. so why should someone feel the need to crush my dreams and constantly remind me of the bad things, as if i didn't know by myself how difficult it is in a life like this where nothing is stable?
as soon as i get back the shirt i forgot in his place i'll kick him out of my life, or at least mostly. in my dream he was the one to walk out of my life. he's normally not that sort of person who gets angered easily. he has a lots of calmer attitude than me. but calling me a scared dog who's trying to lurk away of trouble? that i should get my life in order before worrying about bad internet connection or getting a pet? hey, here's nothing going to change! ever. i'll stay unstable the rest of my life. the meds can only even it down a bit, never completely. i have accepted that and i'm doing fine, i take it how it comes as i can't do a thing to avoid it anyway. in good times i want to have fun, relax and enjoy that time. as i know there's a bad time to come which i have to survive, mostly without any help from others. i don't easily accept help from people i don't fully trust. and there are about none of such, and those who try to help of their own initiative usually just don't understand how serious this can get, or they don't know what to do. it's nice they try, though. i listen to my guts when it comes to people i trust. and if it takes a long time to feel easy with someone, or gaining trust, that's a sign it won't work forever. i can't force myself to trust someone. i try to be open and friendly, but i'm constantly afraid to be betrayed and backstabbed by those people. abandoned and turned down. and i'm sorry for everyone who tries to help, but right now i have no-one to fully trust. except my guns. and maybe my laptop..
damn tears still keep flowing out of my eyes. :/ i tell myself to stop whining like a scared dog and move on, but my feelings just won't let go. have no-one to talk to, that's why i'm posting this everywhere. :/
May 15, 2011
how was your day? pt 1
today, 15th May 2011.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
May 13, 2011
new try
cause this look mystic disappeared + the post i try again, and if it happens again it's censored. :P
screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.
i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.
at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.
got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...
got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.
screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.
i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.
at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.
got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...
got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.
April 30, 2011
at night i feel the best
today's been a rollercoaster. yesterday i had to think about my past relationship, and today i made a word-video, can be found in my youtube-channel. i felt so bad i never seem to catch a good relationship. they all end in chaos and tragedy. i feel like it's me who always does wrong. well, i feel hurt from others too, like what they say to me now when my first ex has been that for long, and my new ex is only fighting with me every time we see. they critisize everything i do and what i like. i've taken a lot really bad treatment from them. the one said he can do whatever he wants and i have no rights, the other one held my own gun against my head.
i think a lot of kicking them both out of my life. but i have no-one to replace them. absolutely no-one. they are basically my only friends IRL. i cling to them. i still have some good memories and there are some good moments. it just gets lesser and lesser what i can talk about with them. seems like they are no more interested in my life. they just want to tell me about their own. if i obediently listen and laugh when i have to laugh everything is ok. but they make it very clear when i'm talking about something they don't want to hear. and that's getting more and more all the time. soon there will be nothing left. i'm just giving and not getting anything back. :/
still i have the feeling i've somehow caused this by myself. i've always felt like that. maybe i was made to believe that long time ago. everything is always my fault. everything i say is wrong, everything i like is bad or worthless. i don't care if my parents treat me like that. they've always done that. but from so called true friends i'd wait a little bit more. like, my "best" friend cut all contact to me when i was in hospital last summer. no contact, no support, nothing. and i've always been ready to support him, in anything.
that hurt me really bad. i cried a lot because of it. i was doing really bad, i had panick attacks and because they raised my medication i was in a kind of coma all the time, in the beginning i thought there's nothing worth for living when my best friend says something like that to me. i slept a lot. i ate what they gave me to eat. i went crazy and hit my fists to floor until they were bloody. then i went to gym downstairs and finished them off with boxing. my personal nurses (one male, one female, i only remember the male one) critisized me and i promised i won't hurt myself anymore. i started to write backgrounds to a story of mine. i wrote two weeks. after release my condition went back down within few days. i cut my arms, i feared more than ever in my whole life, for two and half months i feared every day and every night.
and then, at the same time, i have to act like i'm ok, i have to smile, i have to fight the urge to cry. i can't show my family how bad my situation is. i have to pretend to my friend that i'm ok again that i'm allowed to see him. i have to pretend to my ex-husband that i enjoy our summer holiday. he tried his best, i guess, at least in the beginning, but it ended up with fighting all the time. i remember two really good days from that 1,5 weeks trip.
this is miserable i know. i don't want to claim about everything all the time. i just went far down today. now i got up again after i listened to farsi music in Youtube and after i could hold two guns in a shop in city. the one i want to have some day (good over 500 euro O.o) as basic version is too long for me but it's no problem, can get a folding stock. the other one looked cool but i don't remember it's name. they posted the pic in Facebook but i still don't remember even when i was there 2 hours ago.
have to go to bed. i always lose the track of time when it's dark and i have the feeling i'm alone. :) and it's not really as bad as i just wrote, til now i'm ok again. umm.. hungry, but ok. i just had to let out some of the misery inside. :P i should not dwell on the past, so let's look to the future now. i hope to be able to get me the ACR Masada AND new PC in the end of this year.. :) needs some more porridge and dry bread and bad tasting chili, but i guess it's possible. :)
i think a lot of kicking them both out of my life. but i have no-one to replace them. absolutely no-one. they are basically my only friends IRL. i cling to them. i still have some good memories and there are some good moments. it just gets lesser and lesser what i can talk about with them. seems like they are no more interested in my life. they just want to tell me about their own. if i obediently listen and laugh when i have to laugh everything is ok. but they make it very clear when i'm talking about something they don't want to hear. and that's getting more and more all the time. soon there will be nothing left. i'm just giving and not getting anything back. :/
still i have the feeling i've somehow caused this by myself. i've always felt like that. maybe i was made to believe that long time ago. everything is always my fault. everything i say is wrong, everything i like is bad or worthless. i don't care if my parents treat me like that. they've always done that. but from so called true friends i'd wait a little bit more. like, my "best" friend cut all contact to me when i was in hospital last summer. no contact, no support, nothing. and i've always been ready to support him, in anything.
that hurt me really bad. i cried a lot because of it. i was doing really bad, i had panick attacks and because they raised my medication i was in a kind of coma all the time, in the beginning i thought there's nothing worth for living when my best friend says something like that to me. i slept a lot. i ate what they gave me to eat. i went crazy and hit my fists to floor until they were bloody. then i went to gym downstairs and finished them off with boxing. my personal nurses (one male, one female, i only remember the male one) critisized me and i promised i won't hurt myself anymore. i started to write backgrounds to a story of mine. i wrote two weeks. after release my condition went back down within few days. i cut my arms, i feared more than ever in my whole life, for two and half months i feared every day and every night.
and then, at the same time, i have to act like i'm ok, i have to smile, i have to fight the urge to cry. i can't show my family how bad my situation is. i have to pretend to my friend that i'm ok again that i'm allowed to see him. i have to pretend to my ex-husband that i enjoy our summer holiday. he tried his best, i guess, at least in the beginning, but it ended up with fighting all the time. i remember two really good days from that 1,5 weeks trip.
this is miserable i know. i don't want to claim about everything all the time. i just went far down today. now i got up again after i listened to farsi music in Youtube and after i could hold two guns in a shop in city. the one i want to have some day (good over 500 euro O.o) as basic version is too long for me but it's no problem, can get a folding stock. the other one looked cool but i don't remember it's name. they posted the pic in Facebook but i still don't remember even when i was there 2 hours ago.
have to go to bed. i always lose the track of time when it's dark and i have the feeling i'm alone. :) and it's not really as bad as i just wrote, til now i'm ok again. umm.. hungry, but ok. i just had to let out some of the misery inside. :P i should not dwell on the past, so let's look to the future now. i hope to be able to get me the ACR Masada AND new PC in the end of this year.. :) needs some more porridge and dry bread and bad tasting chili, but i guess it's possible. :)
April 13, 2011
dreams, good and bad
13.4. today is better than yesterday and previously this week. yesterday i had a bad down. fell back down to depression and hurt myself in search for escape. i don't feel safe anymore. but last night i had a good long dream. nightmare and a stressdream before it didn't disturb me much.
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".
April 11, 2011
i hate everyone :P and that for a reason!
11.4. i hate people. and the most of all i hate pictures of so called "happy families". smiling parents, smiling, healthy children, walking in a park where no plant or flower grows where it shouldn't, grass is even like a floor. standing before a flowerbed full of nice flowers. smiling so that i wonder how it must hurt to keep their mouths in such everlasting grin. weather is always bright and sunny. no clouds on the perfect sky. no trash laying around because trashcans are too full. no drinkers sitting under bushes. nobody smokes.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.
March 18, 2011
i place my heart in your hand
16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.
yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o
10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.
earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.
i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.
have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.
the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..
17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.
March 9, 2011
6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn
8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
March 7, 2011
hiding places
7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
February 19, 2011
nightmares, continued
16.2. should have edited the photos of Seed i want to post here, but got stuck looking through photos from summer 2009. it seemed endless and full of beautiful evenings, warm, and happy things. i know it wasn't that happy. but those photos showed the best sides of it. they are telling another story than what truly happened. :/
i got really sad. i miss my former home and all the nice things i had there. i've had nothing familiar here, that was why it was impossible to get a reality check in the fall when i got homeless. i have gathered some stuff, bowls, decoration, nice plates and such. but they are still new. how it comes, Seed is about the only object i'm truly familiar with. i've lived with photos of him for years. in the old photos there was only brightness, they seemed to somehow glorify my old home. they don't show how dark it felt sometimes, how much bad things happened there, how much anxiety the walls held inside. all the shed blood they've seen. :/ i miss my stuff that's still there, and the good moments i had there, but like the Christmas visit showed, if i go there i also always remember the bad things. they cannot be washed away.
today i was in Helsinki, in order to finally find the spoons i want, and buy new mangas. and i just did those two things. spoons, mangas. then i left. unsatisfied. feeling guilty. i should have tried to get everything out of the rare visit.
and it has a reason. cause last night i had a dream.. i've kept having nightmares lately, and this one was one too. it might not have been that horrible, but it left a really strong bad feeling that i still haven't got rid of. other parts of it were stressy too, but the worst was the one with my mom. she had just found out about Seed, and she was really mad at me. we were upstairs in their house, before the balcony door where they now have only plants cause they don't heat the upstairs regurlary. she went back down and came back with dad's old pistol. it looked different than i remembered, kinda silver, and strangely oily. mom gave it to my hand, and said "now take that and explain with that why the guns are so special/important to you". i just stood there. i could not say a word. i could not defend myself, nor my "friends", and i felt awful. like i let them down, i let Seed down. i was like frozen.
i've felt guilty because of that the whole day. i'm still totally afraid of mom and dad when they get angry. the fear is sitting so deep i've not been able to cut it out. i fear what they could do to me. i feel guilty cause i should have stood up for Seed. if not for myself, i should have tried to defend him. i felt so bad letting him down i felt like i should have given him a present or a kind, should have bought something for him cause i'm so sorry. and this because of a dream.
now i'm sad because i don't have a home, and it feels again like everything's breaking apart. (i'd need a drink... even sake with orange juice would do..) i'm totally unsatisfied with the stuff to read i bought. it's all series i really love, found even one part that has been quite impossible to get cause they stopped the production last year, and on my way back home i thought about starting to collect the Dragonball Z series. the tv-serie has been really important to me in the past, i've seen every part at least two times, most three or four, some even five to six. the Cell Saga is the most important one for me cause that was where i started when i first time saw it on a tzech or polish channel that had ants running over the picture and where i didn't understand a word of what was spoken. later it aired in Germany too. never seen the original in japanese, nor the english version. well, i can say thinking about that was the only flash of light in this day. O_o
well now music is making me feel a little better, maybe "the white pill" too. :P it should also give a better sleep. last night i felt awfully ill. oh, yes, like my name! had to puke too. :P i hate to have to do it, but it also helps cause when i have the reason that caused my ill feeling out of me it gets better and i can sleep again. always been like that. in the past year i have had to do it about four times more often than in the last ten years. what does that tell about my VERY HEALTHY eating habits.. :P it also lately comes without any special reason. like, yesterday i didn't eat anything i'm allergic against, just quite a lot, more than normally, and quite fast too, and i think the evening pills did also a part. i hate this shit of a medication... the morning pill makes me a zombie for hours and the 1st evening set does have absolutely no effect and the 2nd set drops me totally (it's the same stuff than in the morning). i'm a zombie the whole night and still won't get enough rest.
i think of calling to my clinic tomorrow and maybe trying to get a time to talk to somebody for friday, or just talk in phone, that's alright too. i just feel so bad all the time. ;_;
maybe the pictures in another post, trying to make it a little more positive. if i get anything done, if i find fitting "pairings". i don't really like the thought of pairing Seed with a flower. O_o it'd do in a more artistic, more feminine setting, but not really in this case where i want to give a good impression also of myself. and i'm not feminine artistic. :P i do MY stuff and that's mostly dark and edgy. but i don't like to make a full collage either, the main object, Seed, has to stay in the center of attention and the other clutter just around it, but couldn't find anything "just right" in the 2009 pictures. i continue tomorrow with works from further in the past.
P.S. NO PHOTOS. not yet. editing still not done. have been feeling v e r y bad, plus i continued to write SP. about 10 pages in two days. so that's what i've been doing.. be back later.
i got really sad. i miss my former home and all the nice things i had there. i've had nothing familiar here, that was why it was impossible to get a reality check in the fall when i got homeless. i have gathered some stuff, bowls, decoration, nice plates and such. but they are still new. how it comes, Seed is about the only object i'm truly familiar with. i've lived with photos of him for years. in the old photos there was only brightness, they seemed to somehow glorify my old home. they don't show how dark it felt sometimes, how much bad things happened there, how much anxiety the walls held inside. all the shed blood they've seen. :/ i miss my stuff that's still there, and the good moments i had there, but like the Christmas visit showed, if i go there i also always remember the bad things. they cannot be washed away.
today i was in Helsinki, in order to finally find the spoons i want, and buy new mangas. and i just did those two things. spoons, mangas. then i left. unsatisfied. feeling guilty. i should have tried to get everything out of the rare visit.
and it has a reason. cause last night i had a dream.. i've kept having nightmares lately, and this one was one too. it might not have been that horrible, but it left a really strong bad feeling that i still haven't got rid of. other parts of it were stressy too, but the worst was the one with my mom. she had just found out about Seed, and she was really mad at me. we were upstairs in their house, before the balcony door where they now have only plants cause they don't heat the upstairs regurlary. she went back down and came back with dad's old pistol. it looked different than i remembered, kinda silver, and strangely oily. mom gave it to my hand, and said "now take that and explain with that why the guns are so special/important to you". i just stood there. i could not say a word. i could not defend myself, nor my "friends", and i felt awful. like i let them down, i let Seed down. i was like frozen.
i've felt guilty because of that the whole day. i'm still totally afraid of mom and dad when they get angry. the fear is sitting so deep i've not been able to cut it out. i fear what they could do to me. i feel guilty cause i should have stood up for Seed. if not for myself, i should have tried to defend him. i felt so bad letting him down i felt like i should have given him a present or a kind, should have bought something for him cause i'm so sorry. and this because of a dream.
now i'm sad because i don't have a home, and it feels again like everything's breaking apart. (i'd need a drink... even sake with orange juice would do..) i'm totally unsatisfied with the stuff to read i bought. it's all series i really love, found even one part that has been quite impossible to get cause they stopped the production last year, and on my way back home i thought about starting to collect the Dragonball Z series. the tv-serie has been really important to me in the past, i've seen every part at least two times, most three or four, some even five to six. the Cell Saga is the most important one for me cause that was where i started when i first time saw it on a tzech or polish channel that had ants running over the picture and where i didn't understand a word of what was spoken. later it aired in Germany too. never seen the original in japanese, nor the english version. well, i can say thinking about that was the only flash of light in this day. O_o
well now music is making me feel a little better, maybe "the white pill" too. :P it should also give a better sleep. last night i felt awfully ill. oh, yes, like my name! had to puke too. :P i hate to have to do it, but it also helps cause when i have the reason that caused my ill feeling out of me it gets better and i can sleep again. always been like that. in the past year i have had to do it about four times more often than in the last ten years. what does that tell about my VERY HEALTHY eating habits.. :P it also lately comes without any special reason. like, yesterday i didn't eat anything i'm allergic against, just quite a lot, more than normally, and quite fast too, and i think the evening pills did also a part. i hate this shit of a medication... the morning pill makes me a zombie for hours and the 1st evening set does have absolutely no effect and the 2nd set drops me totally (it's the same stuff than in the morning). i'm a zombie the whole night and still won't get enough rest.
i think of calling to my clinic tomorrow and maybe trying to get a time to talk to somebody for friday, or just talk in phone, that's alright too. i just feel so bad all the time. ;_;
maybe the pictures in another post, trying to make it a little more positive. if i get anything done, if i find fitting "pairings". i don't really like the thought of pairing Seed with a flower. O_o it'd do in a more artistic, more feminine setting, but not really in this case where i want to give a good impression also of myself. and i'm not feminine artistic. :P i do MY stuff and that's mostly dark and edgy. but i don't like to make a full collage either, the main object, Seed, has to stay in the center of attention and the other clutter just around it, but couldn't find anything "just right" in the 2009 pictures. i continue tomorrow with works from further in the past.
P.S. NO PHOTOS. not yet. editing still not done. have been feeling v e r y bad, plus i continued to write SP. about 10 pages in two days. so that's what i've been doing.. be back later.
February 15, 2011
down down down to the bottom of the c
14.2. i've become so numb, i can't feel you there..
everything is slipping away. all the people i thought were close, a family, are slipping further away. i feel like i'm losing them. i'm losing everything.
there's no relief for anxiety this time. it's fingers are on my neck and pushing deeper. can't sleep, can't eat cause all the food is making me sick. i take my medicin but it doesn't help. i think even the fucking water has lactose, everything has, even my pills. even lactose-reduced food makes me sick. cheese and stuff. x/ this place is boiling hot and outside is too cold to stay there for long.
physical pain only helps to the mental one. nights are filled with blood, days with freezing my head outside. it's so cold it makes me feel dizzy and cause headache, but it keeps me from feeling bad inside.
the weekend was ..bad. i tried to keep smiling and took too many sedatives to at least look like i'm ok. now i feel like i'm just abused by my friend. "best" friend. best cause i don't have another who'd claim that position. he wanted me to visit, he wanted me to take photos of him and i just do cause i don't care, and he first says i'm too passive, and then pushes me away if i try anything. i know it hurts and breaks my heart but i always try again. even when i know i'll be always treated same way. :/ as long as i don't care and keep smiling and keep laughing everythings ok, i'm not hurt. at least i can keep up the look like i wasn't. and i'm still holding on to him cause there's NOBODY else. there might never be. :/
took some photos today on the walk to the foodshop. not the closest but the one on the other side of the small river that flows close. most photos of snow, the river, and then back home the snow on the yard. in camera they all look totally unsharp. i'll make more later this week. i'd actually have someplace to go on thursday, but i need more time with it. have to call tomorrow and ask if i could move it to next week. i'm totally finished. need time to sleep, even when having great problems sleeping right now. i take the maximum dosis and still won't sleep. not through the night, not resting, i lay on my right arm til it hurts, i wake up every hour to look at the clock.
keeping Seed next to me and having my arm over it calms down, but not totally. it's there, it's neutral. it's not trying to push me to do things i could regret. i think the neutral way is the right way to react to how i feel now. i must find other ways to get out of this. and for all, i should not rely on anyone else cause i know humans break. they are no use. Seed is there, but he shows no emotion. but just being there is helping me cause i know he won't leave me, he'll be there when this is over.
try to give you warning but everyone ignores me. -> this is what i've felt for years. people just ignore straightforward WARNINGS cause THEY DON'T CARE. even about their own life and death. how can they be like that? are they just STUPID or is it in their nature? like lambs, they don't see when it's their time to be slaughtered. until their neck is under the knife nobody takes things seriously.
..time to move to the next cd. i should try to write a bit more. already made a start. but my back is also hurting again. that actually means: no more sitting in the next two weeks. :P reading something would maybe help to cheer up a bit. i actually have three comics i haven't read yet. three and half. i could move one light from livingroom on my bed and read there. that's what i'm going to do. :) first some old (Avaruuden Korkeajännitys) and then some new (Halo graphic novel). both are great.
15.2. the evening was better and i took more photos of Seed. with the paper lamp i had better light and it's very easy to move around. some of them were not good, but mainly because of wrong point of view more than not enough light or shaking hands. well in the camera some look unsharp as the outside photos too, but they might be sharp as well, and i don't need them in very big size. i post some later when have transferred them to computer and maybe done some editing.
everything is slipping away. all the people i thought were close, a family, are slipping further away. i feel like i'm losing them. i'm losing everything.
there's no relief for anxiety this time. it's fingers are on my neck and pushing deeper. can't sleep, can't eat cause all the food is making me sick. i take my medicin but it doesn't help. i think even the fucking water has lactose, everything has, even my pills. even lactose-reduced food makes me sick. cheese and stuff. x/ this place is boiling hot and outside is too cold to stay there for long.
physical pain only helps to the mental one. nights are filled with blood, days with freezing my head outside. it's so cold it makes me feel dizzy and cause headache, but it keeps me from feeling bad inside.
the weekend was ..bad. i tried to keep smiling and took too many sedatives to at least look like i'm ok. now i feel like i'm just abused by my friend. "best" friend. best cause i don't have another who'd claim that position. he wanted me to visit, he wanted me to take photos of him and i just do cause i don't care, and he first says i'm too passive, and then pushes me away if i try anything. i know it hurts and breaks my heart but i always try again. even when i know i'll be always treated same way. :/ as long as i don't care and keep smiling and keep laughing everythings ok, i'm not hurt. at least i can keep up the look like i wasn't. and i'm still holding on to him cause there's NOBODY else. there might never be. :/
took some photos today on the walk to the foodshop. not the closest but the one on the other side of the small river that flows close. most photos of snow, the river, and then back home the snow on the yard. in camera they all look totally unsharp. i'll make more later this week. i'd actually have someplace to go on thursday, but i need more time with it. have to call tomorrow and ask if i could move it to next week. i'm totally finished. need time to sleep, even when having great problems sleeping right now. i take the maximum dosis and still won't sleep. not through the night, not resting, i lay on my right arm til it hurts, i wake up every hour to look at the clock.
keeping Seed next to me and having my arm over it calms down, but not totally. it's there, it's neutral. it's not trying to push me to do things i could regret. i think the neutral way is the right way to react to how i feel now. i must find other ways to get out of this. and for all, i should not rely on anyone else cause i know humans break. they are no use. Seed is there, but he shows no emotion. but just being there is helping me cause i know he won't leave me, he'll be there when this is over.
try to give you warning but everyone ignores me. -> this is what i've felt for years. people just ignore straightforward WARNINGS cause THEY DON'T CARE. even about their own life and death. how can they be like that? are they just STUPID or is it in their nature? like lambs, they don't see when it's their time to be slaughtered. until their neck is under the knife nobody takes things seriously.
..time to move to the next cd. i should try to write a bit more. already made a start. but my back is also hurting again. that actually means: no more sitting in the next two weeks. :P reading something would maybe help to cheer up a bit. i actually have three comics i haven't read yet. three and half. i could move one light from livingroom on my bed and read there. that's what i'm going to do. :) first some old (Avaruuden Korkeajännitys) and then some new (Halo graphic novel). both are great.
15.2. the evening was better and i took more photos of Seed. with the paper lamp i had better light and it's very easy to move around. some of them were not good, but mainly because of wrong point of view more than not enough light or shaking hands. well in the camera some look unsharp as the outside photos too, but they might be sharp as well, and i don't need them in very big size. i post some later when have transferred them to computer and maybe done some editing.
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