Yes, that has happened. Although I only have two lines yet. And this is how it goes:
"I'd like to buy a BFG and show the world my love, I'd kill some people every day and punish them with war..."
The real one begins with "I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love..." You surely find the lyrics with that as google search.
And whatever people might say, it's called BIG FUCKING GUN, and nothing else. ^^
I could link here that thing that eats a hole in my wallet, but maybe later. Just keep my mouth shut for now. I got more money today anyway, so I'm no more in that big trouble. My life is saved til September.
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
July 14, 2011
May 1, 2011
not a lot left
1.5. up and down you turn me..
i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.
i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.
should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)
my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.
i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.
tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.
after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.
well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??
enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.
in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.
Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad
i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.
i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.
should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)
my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.
i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.
tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.
after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.
well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??
enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.
in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.
Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad
April 28, 2011
don't touch my balls!!
28.4. you're not gonna touch my balls, you're not gonna touch my balls.. it's such a catchy melody! :D
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
at this time of day (2:21AM) i start talking to myself and acting stupid like singing that song all the time, jumping across all the stuff laying here to get this and that. got myself dry bread with cheese, found surprisingly (DEAD vegetables in fridge that actually had evolved a new life) two pieces of the sweet bagel i took out of freezer yesterday (was it yesterday? i don't remember anything of that evening). they were under a pile that i'd have never looked in but was in search for small plastic bags for food. O-o looks like my brain is not working anymore with now close to 18 hours awake. the food will help. although it all tastes like those dead vegetables. and i had been wondering what the hell is stinking there. xP well, this is like how i manage my food business. in my room is laying food that was not consumed to end cause i had again big difficulties of eating yesterday. you're not gonna touch my balls..
have been extra happy today (yesterday), although i'm broke and have to pay the haircut AND the trip to Helsinki on Friday. O_o damn. but things just make me happy, like Pleo (a robot dinosaur, check Youtube with the search "pleo robot" or such), and that song that's still playing in my head..
and some other things too. i'd so like to get a real skull of a cat or smaller animal. i'd make a necklace out of it. :) and i tried to figure how to get the (P90) 50 round mag open (it has screws so it's possible, still, i wouldn't touch it without a better manual than only japanese and picture) to take out two halfs of those fake bullets to make a necklace out of them. but i'm not sure if it'd work properly after that surgery, so i do nothing until i get at least two other ones. but, those with 300 round cost 49 euros. way too much for my wallet. damn again. yeah i know, it's gonna cost me way more than just that 100 euros.. :D
enough. almost three pieces of dry bread consumed. a lot indeed. now a soya yoghurt to make it perfect and later that bagel. when it get's 3AM i open my second energy drink. i've been going now with the first about 7 hours, and haven't taken my night meds, and am not gonna take my morning meds either to stay awake. no big thing. staying awake serves one reason: to get back to my night-day-rhytm. have been sleeping so poorly lately, don't remember anything of evenings and nights even when i wake up about once in an hour. my head is getting crippled by something. can't make difference between dreams and reality, about what is going on in my room. maybe it's this awful mess around me. :P or maybe a super mutant hit my head with his sledgehammer..
don't know if staying awake helps. i just try it out. it has helped before.
still hungry, but can't get that bread down my throat anymore. have to throw it away, like all that other food here. wasting food. have to eat something but portions seems to be too big even when they are very small. :P
now some music. Apollo 440: Electro gliding blue. one of my favorite albums ever. bought it in London 1998. fits the night good. also bought a Technotronic cd on that same trip, and it's kinda classic even when it's crap. but this one is greatness in 12 tracks. :) ..it's 3AM. good morning Battery my love. if i'd have a webcam i could show you something that rarely goes right with phone camera. there's always the problem i have to hold the cam so far away to catch the right view of Seed (and Ari too even when it's small), and have too little light sources. i made new such ones a few days ago (Tuesday??) but haven't uploaded them yet. here i'd have a brighter lamp (LED) that can be turned, and wouldn't need to make the pic from down to up. a video were no problem. whatever. no money. ..ok now i'm getting tired, i admit. my eyes become heavy and my body starts to hurt. even when my mind is awake, but it's taking damage too. my view is getting dizzy, can't focus my eyes right, reaction speed and motoric ability go down. i'm a human testobject. i want to test my limits to find out how much i can take. have slept so poorly lately that i'm now reaching my limit already after 18 hours. that's pitiful. my arms hurt so that i cannot use them much anymore. i'm sitting too low cause my chair broke, so it's extra bad. can't find words anymore. in ANY language. have to go 30 hours before i can go to sleep again (3PM). only 12 more! i'm not worried of being able to do this. only i have to rest my body sometime. can't sit here the whole night. i can read to stay awake and rest my back and arms meanwhile. well, but there's always the possibility i wait til 8AM, call my hairdresser and say i'm not coming, and go to sleep after that and sleep and sleep the whole day and night. my hair has to be cut this week! it looks awful. relaxing and resting is just bringing the sleep closer. if i fall asleep now i won't be able to wake in ten hours. i'm worried my body can't take this til the very end. that it will take damage more serious. i'm already shaking a little. muscles are no more doing what i tell them to do.
well, i'll write the final test result later sometime. i don't think i'll be able to go much more than 36 hours maximum. think that's the absolute limit and i'll most likely break down long before. :P also i need more food again in 4-6 hours and have no idea what to eat. there's nothing really tasty. ..oh yes the bagel! almost forgot it. it's still ok.
my mind's awake, i can handle that thing with my eyes, food will help my body to last longer. like a video game character i don't necessarily need to sleep, healing and eating will do as well. just have to hold on 11,5 hours more.
even my drink tastes like that new green life i found in fridge.. :P:P:P means my basic senses are not working fine anymore. i hate it when my tasting sense gets crippled. it happens quite often. it's impossible to enjoy any food, everything tastes like shit. all the same shit. even water! now my hearing too is on it's limits. i should quit listening to music, but i thought of watching a couple of Fallout videos before starting to read.. just trying to find the point where i last time stopped watching. maybe i should really forget about that.. i don't want to push my ears too far. and after getting used to the unusual perceptions caused by heavy physical stress i actually feel pretty fine. the energy drink is kicking in and painkiller works. good night and good morning all of you little sunshines out there!
March 9, 2011
6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn
8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.
the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.
coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.
(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)
listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P
well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D
now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..
..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3
March 7, 2011
hiding places
7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.
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