28.4. 5:01PM report: after having already won i gave up and laid down to rest. slept 1,5 hours, awake for 1,5 hours, sleeping 2 hours, awake, sleeping 2 hours more. but i slept good, and in the first part had great dreams. have packed a lot today, it's sunny and i'm happy and balanced. my room looks better. very dirty and dusty, but not so many piles. will continue with clothes and books later and put the dirty laundry somewhere.
the good dreams, from worst to best:
i got to some random school for some reason but i was haunted by something and tried to get out. i had nothing to defend myself with so fleeing was the only choice. i found an abandoned looking toilet and hide there. went to the cabin, put my pants down and sat down. then i noticed in the cabin beside me was a student who was there to learn to clean toilets, and he had been waiting for someone. it was girls toilet. he started to dry the floor beneath him and i knew what he was going to do. he laid down on his belly and started to watch me from under the separating wall. i winked to him with my hand and smiled. like i'd care about something that pitiful. i still felt uncomfortable.
shopping with my friend J and his father. we had with us a boy called Jony who was for test staying with his family. he was badly depressed, slow, and dressed and acted like a girl. we arrived to the supermarket and me and Jony took money from the automat. i noticed i only have 70 euro left. Jony had even less and he started to cry. after shopping we went back to J's parents' place and i played childrens games with Jony, like on the floor with balls and toy cars, and build a railway for 3 year olds.
i was flying with my friend with our oldfashioned small propelled airplanes. it was getting dark and the skies poured rain over us. we wanted to land on our good friends private airport beside a small swampy muddy lake. but before we got there the weather changed to worse, my friend lost the control of his plane and crash-landed in the swamp close to shore. i tried to get to the airport, i talked to the owner via radio and reported our situation, but our friend there was alone and it would take long to drive small bad road to the lake. eventually i made an emergency landing in the lake. my plane started to sink even when it didn't break. i crawled through the mud to the shore and somehow found my way to my crashed friend further away. his plane was devastated and he was badly injured, but alive. i stabilized him and started to carry him away in the mud between rotting plants. all the time i had radio contact with our friend who was coming to help, but he got trouble on the way, his car got stuck often and the rain blinded him. the dream changed. what actually followed was the best part, but i leave that to the end. :)
this was the last one of the first series but it's not very good. i felt stressed and haunted. for some reason i was moving back to my childhood home. i got a new room (the house was a totally different and i felt like i'd never been there before) and started to unpack my stuff. i had an aquarium of the size and shape of a small book. i put it on my desk. it had light on the bottom and at least one goldfish in. my sister saw it and called me crazy for buying such a thing, but she liked it anyway. i fed my fish. the flake food was strange, very hard to break in small pieces, like thick paper. my brother came to see me but i don't remember what we talked. something casual. at some point i showed him and my sister my AEG. it looked great, like a mixture of a basic M16, P90 and a shotgun, it was at least 1,5 meters long and had an separate battery looking like a car battery, and took hours to load. some time my dad came and wanted to take us with shopping, and i asked if he'd like to see my AEG. i remember something like he'd have looked at it with a very suspicious and scared look on his face.
yay!! the best!! i was out in the snow playing with my new best friend. we played tag and shot at each other and trees and bushes. at night in an area with some ruined shacks and a main street going by. we both had an expensive blueish winter camo and other gear and had a lot of fun together. but in the middle, he was hiding and i had just found him from behind, i saw cops coming. someone had been annoyed or just scared by us and called them. they blinded me with flashlights, a whole SWAT-team :D and i realised there's no other chance than give up immediately. i warned my friend but he didn't believe it at first. i let my guns fall in the snow and raised my hands. the next scene. someone had given us a prototype of a carriable heavy machine gun. it should be great but it was total crap. it was light and sight was good, but absolutely no power behind that immense size and it was like shit to hold. just too possibilities: too high or too low. the worst ergonomy i've ever seen on anything. like a bad sized box on your shoulder that you cannot aim at anything unless holding it very low. phew. sorry. there was one more dream but i have forgotten it by now. :P
i feel awful. my body temperature went up last night and is still too high to be normal. and i can't find my cooling tea!! it's the only thing that helps!! have no idea if i packed it yet, can't remember to have done that, but can't find it in my room either. there might be one more box of tea under my bed, there SHOULD be cause i remember having packed tea and dry food in two grey plastic boxes, but last time i searched i didn't find a second one. shit.
have slept a lot with Seed beside me and Ari touching my face or on my stomach when i lay on my back. it's easy to fall asleep like that. and the sleeping quality is better than not having them close. when i last time woke up 1:23PM and changed clothes i noticed Ari had left a pressed picture of itself on my body. :D i don't feel something like that. it's weight doesn't disturb me at all. i've once slept with Seed on my stomach but i rarely sleep on my back so that's not so common. they are like close friends and kind of pets in a way (i like petting them too, just to show that i love them and care for them :D). for the perverts under the readers: i've given up sex right now. i have other things in my life that give me more and better satisfaction. i never really cared for sex. i rarely feel anything for people and there are some problems. one is that the last 7 years the things i like changed, and those two people i had the change to have sex with didn't like those changes. and didn't want to do what i would have liked to have. so i eventually gave it up with them, and there's never been a replacement. i'm not searching for one either. i don't think anyone would be interested in someone with my bad looks and personality. and as long as i shut the whole sex-thing out of my life i don't need to handle the problems linked with it. and i fear them. i'm not ready yet to face them and do something about them. i can write about guns as sex objects and such stuff, it's a great thing to really make people disgusted :D but i don't feel like that by myself. like, i can write about a lot and have no personal feelings for it. that's all i have to say about this.
to the end (?) one video i found very informative: Future weapons: Magpul Masada
it looks cool and is very useful as you can see in the video. i liked that series a lot when i had the chance to see it in TV. but that's not the case anymore. have also been too lazy or stressed to look at the discovery website. they have many great programs and i consider getting pay-Tv at some point.
found out today that my new electricity bill will be about 60 euro in 2 months. that's about 10 euro more than i've paid for two the whole winter. something's wrong here. but it's most likely too late to make it good anymore. i spent good 14 minutes in a service line that's costs were not displayed anywhere but i guess it's not cheap. they never are. :P i don't want to be a pitiful creature that cannot pay it's bills in time. there must be a way to deal with this in future. i'm not used to this situation. that's all.. i had to make a lot of must-buys the last months. well, i can find excuses but they don't change the situation. go post this shit and check my bank account. be back whenever.
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
April 28, 2011
April 21, 2011
fiction, politics and stuff
21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.
i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..
finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--
yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.
today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..
well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.
ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.
but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)
also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o
later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.
next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.
yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!
i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.
and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.
that's for that.
i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D
I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)
April 2, 2011
puppets, babes.. and problems
2.4. so, i'm coming again to the point where i lose sense of what's reality, what's dreams and what's imagination, fiction or something i've read from somewhere. my head is blurring. it's getting more and more crippled every day. at some moments i can think very clearly, but i cannot make the difference of if it's real or not what i think.
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
right now i hardly get 1000kcal each day, some days even under that. even when i wanted to eat a good breakfast i cannot, have to cut it to half and right now it's even just third of what it SHOULD be. during the day only one yoghurt or a banana, maybe both if i'm lucky. dinner is small and often leaves me somehow hungry, even though i don't really feel the hunger, i just notice my blood sugar is down and some foods raise it slower than others. like yesterday's meat and vegetable "thing" filled me better as a smaller portion than todays (small) noodle soup with more to eat than yesterday's food. just noodles and liquid with aroma is less than meat plus 5 sorts of vegetables, even when i had problems eating the meat part. tomorrow i'll go with a soup again, that one from last weekend. evening meal is one yoghurt. and those soya yoghurts are pretty small. O.o i also might eat it more than six hours after dinner before going to bed.
it's not like i'd really want to eat less. i've just lost my appetite in most cases, if i try to eat much i start feeling really ill, i just can't swallow the food anymore or even put in my mouth, the whole eating process starts feeling disgusting. so i just cut down the portions to keep that feeling away. if i'm sitting at home the whole day it's better that way too. if i go out or do sport i try to eat more. i also try to keep in drinking maximum two liters each day. sometimes it won't work, but in most days it does.
this all has caused some weight loss, maybe it's just water though. my body feels lighter. that's odd. haven't felt like that in years. when i was teenager it was important to me to feel my bones when laying in bed. last night i noticed i can feel my bones again. my ribs and hip bones. first time since i was seventeen (i guess). have to lay in a certain position for that though.. it's strange but my mother told me years ago that she'll give me 100 euro for each kilo i lose. i don't think she can afford that. anyway, such tries to motivate someone rarely work. plus i'm having the problem many of my pills are causing overweight. let's say my ideal weight would be around 65-70kg, the lower to fit in nice clothes, the higher to be stronger.
but this post should not be about weight problem. puppets, babes and dreams, like i promised. the first thing first.
yesterday i watched Arirang, Korea's Global TV, and programs called Showbiz and Pops in Seoul. i watched them again today and thought the same too. in the music videos there were many young, cute girls. perfect looking, like puppets. i noticed i've seen many puppets walk around here too. young girls who dress and act like puppets to impress boys. well, they mostly catch the attention of older men though.. but my point: why do they want to be that way? is it so important to be wanted? it's against human nature, i say. a human doesn't want to be a toy for anyone (in general. there are groups in which these rules don't exist but i'm not talking about those now). most modern women want their independence, to make carieer and have the same rights than men too. so why do they raise up their daughters to be puppets? are they too so blind to this culture that makes women just products that are made to satisfy men?
i just wonder, nothing else. because i view them through the eyes of a man. i see only objects. Barbie-dolls that i can dress up like i want, make them do what i want, even chop their head off if i want. when children are raised up by TV and advertising, Barbie and whatever Bratz, does it make ANY SENSE at all for others to fight for womens rights?
let's move to the next subject. babes. oh my dear lord. i don't want to write about this, but have to let it out cause it's pissing me off already years. WHY? oh lord, why? i've always read magazines that are made for men. right now my two favorites are such. and i've had this problem with almost every car-magazine too. why the fuck do they want to advertise their stuff with half-naked women? i understand the point of sex sells and stuff, but in the end it's not like that. men are buying the product because what it is and what it does and not because a Playboy model wore it in a high gloss photo. only n00bs and wannabes are interested in all that sex sells -stuff. people who are not really interested in the products, not even to gather info about them. cars and guns are sexy enough WITHOUT babes. got it? i'm not saying this because of my much like a woman -looking body. i'm not interested in feminism either. i just want to point out something odd about our modern culture. like the example with the puppets above. our culture is totally schitzophrenic, it's mind is split and neither one knows what the other is doing. TV and media are constantly trying to make people more and more stupid. you can see it with always easier and easier becoming games that offer no challenge and no freedom to think with your own brain. on the other side the "new world's equality and openness" is hung on the big clock. to create an illusion that each person has freedom to decide for himself. how we can ever do that when we are raised up to become marionettes of the media and advertising? how long will it take until i've seen enough babes to start thinking they are really a part - good and righteous - of the products i buy? x(
in the end something positive. at least a bit. last night i dreamt about a princess in a country like India. she was beautiful and a good person and everybody loved her and thought she's a good ruler of the state. but there was a small group built like Yakuza, and it got a new member who looked like some anime badass, with long white hair and a metallic tube coming out of the back of his head. he promised to lead the group up to the fame and they could rule the state. the men were happy with this and wanted to help. they made a plan ("me" being one of them) of assasinating the princess while she was taking a bath. after that her body would be burned (that's a common way of funeral in India) so quickly that nobody had time for a closer examination of how she died.
i was given the dirty job. i should dive to the pool the princess was bathing in from a canal that kept water flowing in, rise out of water direct before her to surprise her, and strangulate her. after that servitors that were paid to keep silent would bring her body away and prepare it for the funeral. on the alley behind the palast would be waiting a suitable carriage and all the guests would be gathered together very fast so they would not have time to think about what was happening.
so i did what was asked from me, everything run smoothly, until the funeral was going on. suddendly the state's army arrived to the place. they had heard about this too late to protect the princess, but they knew that she had been assasinated, so our people had to leave the carriage and flee. *the end*
now it get's a little bit strange. cause the next dream took place on the same beach, about 200 years later. i don't remember much of it, only fragments. i walked into glass and one piece got stuck on my foot. there were those guys from Bondi Rescue, somebody had been killed there and i was desparately searching for my mom and sister.
the last two weeks i've dreamt a lot about guns and using them. mostly i use Seed, sometimes also a real gun or some other replica. in mostly ruined, devastated areas or in the woods. there have been short dreams about killing someone but i just remember that moment i killed and nothing around it. these come clearly because i think about this stuff a lot. A LOT.
last night i tried out something i've noticed some time ago. it's always very helpful for learning to try things out by yourself. now it was my standing position. my hands usually shake a little, if my blood sugar is down, i've had too much caffeine and too little sleep or food or when my hands are tired. so it was basically trying out what's the right way for what action to keep hands from shaking. other position is to stand like biathlon guys do when they shoot. to keep a firm stand and hands not shaking by resting your weight on your legs and leaning backwards, arms against body if possible. other one is to move and still hold the gun firmly enough to hit targets. ok, this is basics, anybody can figure this out even when they don't have a brain. :P on the second way you have to lean a little forward (and it looks more real.. :P) and bend your knees. it's easy to move, silently, and duck fast.
so, what's the result: i have 2 HUGE problems. both positions are extremely tiring for my back, especially the first one, AND i have a problem with my knees. so: i have to train my back and my knees. even more than other parts of my body. yoga does good for both of them and i should take it to my weekly program again. and i should move more in the nature.
just few more words. i watched today one part of a finnish reality series of a special army troop for protecting the border (Erikoisrajajääkärit). at some point i do think that's so overreacting and wasting money, but on the other hand it just looks funny and i can just filter away those things i don't like. in this part they had their first fight training. i just looked almost with my jaw open when those boys ran in the woods their guns pointing in totally random directions, they were holding them like wooden sticks and shooting everything else but what they propably should have. :P should i laugh or cry? that just shows how ridiculous the modern army is. i guess they didn't even HAVE real targets. who'd have the interest to hang cardboard pieces in the woods and then collect them away when training is over? especially when they didn't shoot with real bullets at all so the puppets would not even get holes..
well there's a clear reason why i watch that series. the guns. what a surprise. :D the biggest newspaper of this country complained when the series began that it's "again concentrating too much on guns (in this country that has so much crimes made with guns)". DISLIKE. i've hardly seen anything of them yet. :P
a long post again. but i might very well keep a longer break now. i've said what i wanted to say for now. so, be back whenever. bye!
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