5.4. wow that was a long break! two whole days! oh my god! i just love to post here right now. and somehow i always find something to write about. this is great training in english, to get used to write it, and i've even started to think in english during the day. trying to find words and understand people who are speaking english in the city.
today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.
OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P
enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.
yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.
OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.
i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.
earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)
ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D
well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..
whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.
BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).
i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.
so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!
Showing posts with label tainted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tainted. Show all posts
April 5, 2011
April 1, 2011
just long
24.3. 11:15PM just finished the second (actually third) short story of "deep at night". it is pure cruelty. like the line "but feeling sorry has never kept me from killing people" shows. those are kinda picturing different choices.. but enough of that. right now i'm getting better and can think about this stuff without getting strongly emotional. and they also work for me as a way to relax. sounds bad, huh?
maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.
a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?
whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!
27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.
table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.
yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.
i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.
those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.
well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.
1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.
today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P
last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P
i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.
my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.
last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."
this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!
maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.
a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?
whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!
27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.
table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.
yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.
i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.
those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.
well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.
1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.
today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P
last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P
i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.
my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.
last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."
this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!
March 4, 2011
behind empty eyes
28.2. the last day of this long and depressive month. today i went up. fast. it's not so good when it goes this fast. the depressive thoughts were replaced with aggressive ones and people started to go on my nerves out in the city. tomorrow i'm going to the local clubhouse for other sick people. I DON'T WANT TO. i get strong repulsive feelings about it, and i hate to be forced to wake up at 5:30AM. this cannot be the solution for a longer period. guess i'm only doing it for this year, and try to find something else later. there are other groups and sort of elsewhere, gotta find out about them. i'd even go to that 'only working' -kind of place. stupid, i don't know how these things are called in english and I STILL DON'T HAVE a dictionary.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
some time ago my current project reached 500KB. today that's 524KB and 56 pages. i only had time to write two pages today. but even a small progress is progress. spent some hours in internet today and bought food for the next three days. loaded some new wallpapers, that is, game screenshots. of Crysis 2 and Killzone 3. at home i looked them through and cursed the 16:9 screen. i have to cut them smaller from both sides to fit them on my laptop screen that's even smaller than a normal one would be. plus Vista sidebar. i need it, but it's blocking a big part of the wallpaper. so, until i have the Hellghast guys on my screen i have to stay with Brotherhood of Steel Power Armour. old pic i have from gamestar.de. it's not so green-green than those i have from IGN.com.
been thinking for a couple of days now that in this world there are REALLY some people who earned to be shot. two days ago i watched a.. well, shocking document called 'Have you seen Andy?', and there were those NAMBLA guys. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?? i'm ashamed to have to breathe the same air than them. and then this idiot i had the bad luck to be with in the same place today..
actually the shocking part of the document was not the above. that only woke rage. but there was this guy who was a suspect but never accused. it was his picture. when i first saw it i thought 'WTF??' and 'this can't be real'. the case happened in 1976. the pic was old and the guy looks now totally different, fat, white beard and hair, eyes almost closed. the '76 pic was like i'd looked into mirror. not the face, i'm not that ugly, but HIS EYES. they were MY EYES. i got a really disturbed feeling in my guts. in my passport there's a photo where i have exactly same kind of look in my eyes. eyes open, direct, emotionless. i have not understood this until i saw it from someone else's point of view. it was.. scary.
when i'm manic i use to keep my eyes very open. i always look at people very direct way, into their eyes, and that 95% of the conversation. only if i feel very bad, anxious or depressive, or psychotic, i don't look at people at all. i avoid every contact that would let them come close. normally i act open. i'm not scared to tell my doctors or therapists about my life. not scared to show them my cut arms. not scared to tell about my strange love for guns. in fact, actually i like to test people. it's fun to watch how they react. it's fun to confuse them. i even tend to do this to very close people. it puts my already very few social contacts in great danger, but i don't care. don't ask me why. i don't know.
well, but that cleared me about WHY i sometimes feel like the people are making a big bow around me. ;D or why some move fast out of my way when i walk out there. seems like my face shows my anger and irritation very well, even when i'm not really aware of them. then i thought: is this what people see when they look into my eyes? is this why i cannot get friends or keep contacts? cause there's nothing behind my eyes?
my head is not a void. i don't realise, when i look into the mirror in the morning, that there'd be anything wrong. if i'm tired my eyes are almost closed anyway. but when i got the passport photo taken i looked into the camera just a normal way, like i always look, and the result was horror. why doesn't the mirror tell me the truth? why i have to see photos to find out? this is tiring. really. i admit i have a problem with showing so called positive emotions. how to tell someone i love them. or i'm sorry. or i care. lately i have more and more come to the conclusion that it's always been difficult cause i very seldom feel anything like that. it's been like this for very long. age and medication have reduced feelings too, but i was never really the empathy in person. i don't really care for anyone. i think i have felt love, but afterwards, why didn't i ever tell them i loved them? i lied in so many other things too, why would not just lie and say i love you? there's someone i think i still love, but if i look closer i notice i'm actually just using him. and rejection hurts me. ignorance.
what does that tell about me? well, nothing nice that's for sure. :P
1.3. ok, this day was a catasprophy. nothing left of yesterday's high. only deep deep low. now in the evening, after one white pill, i've somewhat calmed down. and happy music cheers me up. and the thought I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT. ANYTHING. there's no borders. right now i don't care about sensitive readers. they should just skip my stuff. hope to be able to write a bit more than just 2 pages today. had only about 4 hours sleep last night, so need some power, straight out of the biggest can of Battery on the market. :) i love that stuff.. so, for tonight i leave all the problems and other crap behind, just relax with my favorite story. it bends to unbelievable structures with little or no effort at all.
a little later: this thought just came back into my mind. my good friend is trying to push me to the social meeting places for sick people, "to meet our kind", and i don't like that at all. they are not my kind. then again, he's trying to slow me down with the fitness studio card. i'm gonna get it soon and start working out again. i need that. i wanna get stronger. and i'm now asking myself why he does that? is being social so much more important than my health? or is there something more behind that?
i've found two possible reasons, i don't know if they are worth anything, but they make me feel uneasy. well, actually only one of them. is he against me getting back to shape because when i look like this it makes it easier to him to forget our past? he's now having kinda control over me, he can kinda put me down as much as he wants and i can do nothing, and if i start looking like 12 years ago he could fall for me again? O-o this sounds weird. i don't really believe this, but IF it is this reason then i'm really surprised. the other reason is what i've heard from other people too and what makes them concerned: if i get physically stronger there will be real power behind my threats. and i know and they know too that i'm ready to use that power. OF COURSE i told those 'secondary' therapists (cause they are actually only nurses, i can't get psychotherapy unless i'm returning to work) that I'M NOT going to use my power to anything stupid or things that could harm me somehow. but i guess they know i lied. :P
and yes, it's the same answer. cause i don't care. O-o
more l8r: there WAS one thing today that was not depressing: i'm getting a mobile internet stick with my new phone contract, well, i wanted only the stick but they had an offer that if i buy phone contract i get a protecting bag for my phone for free. it's only this week. i got it actually one day too early.. i had already one bag, a light purple one with flowers, but i've sorta grown out of 'girly things'. O.o the new one is smaller, cause my new phone is also smaller, it's black outside and lime green inside and has sort of geometric pattern. nice!!
20:44 used some of my precious time (btw i've found the strange lust in me to see the horrible movie called Precious.. O_o) to form a wallpaper of one Killzone 3 screenshot. god that GIMP makes me crazy.. i just don't get used to it. it's easier than the beginning but i must find something to give text effects, plus download lots of new fonts. ..if i could eat somewhere for free for six months i could afford Photoshop.. xP
the friend i mentioned above has finally done something about a problem he has for long already. well, i have exactly the same problem for close to two thirds of my life, but i'm still too scared to do anything. right now i just want to get rid of this shit depression. after a solution to that problem my life'd be, if not easier then at least more true. i still feel like i only live in fiction. lately i've started to concentrate more on my real life, i'm finally GETTING ONE, but the most part is still just dreams. and not even one move to make them come true. BUT: soon i got internet at home, and a working table, and can finally use my computer IN MY ROOM instead of shared kitchen, and can surf wherever i like to, IN PEACE. it's not gonna be harmony at first. my comp was last updated at Xmas holiday and it sure has loads of updates to install and all the virus databanks are oooooold and MSE (Microsoft Security Essentials) is telling me every day (since the week after Xmas) that the comp is not safe. :P
yeah, and after getting a table, chair and cd-shelf (my cd's are on the floor) i can start gathering money for a new PC. and a sofa. and a bed overthrow in China red. custom made. mom will help me sew it, maybe she does it for me if i buy the materials. i pay, by doing homework. cooking, looking after the cat.. such stuff. something strange has happened to me during past 4 months: i finally see a future! for the first time in my life. there's a future.
January 28, 2011
things that make me crazy
23.1. happy happy happy! yesterday evening & night. so proud and happy of Seed. :) i'm very lucky. this very strong happiness surprises me every time again. my heart felt light like a feather, some excitement burning inside but in a regenerating way.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.
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