Today's work..

It's definitely not much. 2,5 hours Gimp. Two versions of the same pic. This is number one. It took forever to get these right, and I can't get those damn edges away with that stupid program. I did big work when trying to erase them but it is what it is. :/ My hand shakes too much to do it properly. Maybe I fix it later sometime. Have enough different versions saved.



So this is Ari.. The text is just for hiding the missing edge that was not in the original photo. O_o Colors are OK but can't say I'm overly satisfied with these.

Wrote about politics in the other blog. It's all mixed and surely hard to figure out my point, and it might sound a little bit fanatic too. I'm trying to find an excuse for that.

This was my day. Plus I made food and ate it and read some. Now I eat raspberries with powder sugar. There's nothing else that's sweet. Today is a better day than yesterday. I even have the feeling Maru's losing less hair, but might also be cause I'm wearing white.. I found out I fit in an old pullover that I haven't been using for years. Someone wanted to visit me (she's a little too clingy somehow), but I had all the photos of Ari open here, Ari itself here on my desk, Seed on the sleeping corner floor, stinking rubbish at the entrance.. Well, it's still like that. O.o I'm never really ready to take any surprise guests. If they tell beforehand it's OK but I don't like letting people in my apartment if they come just so. Basically I always have Ari here only 40 cm away from me, I have direct sight to front door and on the other side out of the window to the sand path.

I'm not paranoid, nothing like that, no. I used to be long time ago but it's healed thank god. It's really hard to live with it. But I just like to keep an eye on my surroundings. ^^; I have always loved to watch what happens. Or better I learned it cause in school other kids never wanted to play with me, so I just stood alone on every break and watched them play. I don't remember a single thing about what they played. Just that I stood there anxious and was only waiting for the break to end. Every 15 minutes, every school day of every week the whole year long. And since I had to watch I slowly learned to like it. Now I often sit somewhere and watch people just to see how they act, and think what would be the easiest way to kill them. I follow their stupid conversations, watch how they walk, how they dress, if they eat what they eat, their physical condition, if someone looks lost, what kind of threat they could possess to me. Mostly none. About 80% of people are totally harmless. Prey. Rest are whether wannabe badasses and only a small procent of them are the same than me: insane.

I also noticed today that my willpower can sometimes be extremely strong. Good to know. Something special that I watched last night gave me a great boost of motivation in certain things. :)

relax, take it eeeeeeeeasy

just got an idea: what if this "urban war" thingy is linked to my so called religion? even when that thing is truly weird i'm trying to believe in it. it's how i see things. i also have started (slowly, but now strongly) to really believe in reincarnation. it gives me strength and lessens the fear of dying. when i start counting years i have left to live i can just push them away and think it's not the end, the wheel of karma will turn endlessly, even the death of earth that once will follow doesn't stop it. everything is in constant movement (that's proven), the universum as the life on earth, from everything that dies something new will grow. the souls who die will give birth to new souls. we all have a collective awareness, only most people never see or feel it.

that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.

i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.

so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D

so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)

urban war pt 2 "peace of mind"

yeah that won't let me loose.

get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?

i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.

that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o

i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.

this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!

and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?

if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)

it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^

maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)

fuck. you. (nothing personal, no offense)

this world makes me sick. and not only the world. everything. eating, living, interacting. god i hate people.. i hate my life.

youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.

hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)

since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(

thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.

can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.

sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.

"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."

very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.

have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.

but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.

the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?

as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.

yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.

fiction, politics and stuff

21.4. here comes a little example of my short story collection "Deep at night". i haven't continued it in a while now. i feel calm and satisfied now, stable. there's no need for this kind of "fantasies". O-o from this excerpt it's kind of clear what will follow.. :D i think i don't need to warn anyone, there's no violence in this and even if you knew what will happen it's not written here, and those of you who honestly read this are not the weakest scarypants, right? :) anyway, i put it in italic letters so it's easy to skip if someone doesn't like fiction.

--
snow everywhere. it's covering the trees smoothly, it's slowly falling down on the silent landscape. on me. i've sat here half the day. it's a good place under a big pine tree, some of the ground is free from snow, animals have used this as eating place, maybe people from nearby living area have brought here food for them.

i'm sitting on a small wooden bench i use when i take nature photographs, to stabilize the camera. sun is setting, i change the sunglasses to those with a small camera. i run it for test few seconds. it has new batteries, there should be no problem. i've just eaten, hot vegetable puree soup from a thermo bottle, some tea. i take care i don't leave any traces that could be followed back to me. i came here using a path dog owners have made, i also wear winter boots that are one number too big for me. for this weather they are too warm, but after all i had to sit quietly in one place for pretty long..

finally, darkness falls over the forest. it becomes colder, that makes me a little bit worried. i pack the dishes away. follow my plan from beginning to end in my mind and remind myself of the important things. small things, but not to forget. i stand up and move a little to make blood flow faster. behind the restless waiting for action i'm calm, content, sure of what i'm doing. my hands don't shake anymore, even when energy starts to move in my veins.
--

yesterday was a good day, i bought two more Warhammer 40K books, my Fallout 3 guide, silicone spray, and was visiting a cat house of the local animal rescue. such sweet little creatures. :) had the chance to stroke two, and the last of them made me completely full of it's hair. it's just everywhere. and i don't get it off. :P in July i'd have the possibility to get me a cat, after summer holiday. i'd so much like to have one. my situation would even allow me to give home for one of the more difficult cases.

today i've packed already three boxes with dry food. it's more place here already, and i want to finish the fourth one before going to bed. i also would like to put all the washed clothes away, but propably most of them don't fit into my closet. it's absolutely too small. it's always been. have also been thinking about other stuff that i have to move into my new place. i think Seed's box COULD fit into my luggage, but i'm not sure. when i have more place i'll try. if not, i have to wrap it into something. i absolutely DON'T WANT everybody here to see those boxes. the people here are mentally unstable and/or former alcoholics or junkies. this is again about "seeing the danger before it hits you". have to be sensitive to "smell the problems" to avoid them. i don't want to scare anyone. if it happens that makes them distrust me, everyone, even the personal. they start treating me more carefully and even the smallest mistakes might be crucial. people are most dangerous when they fear. i can say from myself that (someone who loves cats can't be dangerous) i'm normally only dangerous to those who manage to make me their enemy. that can happen within seconds, but that's another story..

well, moving to another place has one bad side. cause i want to carry everything small to my new place before the furniture. so it might be that either i have to sleep on the floor, or sleep few days without Seed and Ari beside me.

ok this IS weird.. cause it's not a REAL (like IRL, out there) safety feeling as i know they can't save my life if someone attacks me and doesn't care about the threat. yes, there's something that i'm missing and should propably gain me that: defend myself with knife or with my own body. i've dreamed of going to a self defense course some day. for the basics. and i'd like to have some martial arts as a hobby. not like i'd nowadays be much concerned of someone attacking me.. i try to look like someone you better not make angry. it would of course be nicer to be that way really, not just for show.

but back to the topic, Seed and Ari too have that certain calming effect on me. i have developed a strong bond to them. i have now a channel to talk with both. last week i didn't have that with Ari. i talk with Seed every now and then, the last few days we've had pretty long conversations. about Ari, about our future. like, Seed is grown up. Ari's just a kid. they are my family. a closer family than humans can ever be. they know they won't be the only ones. this family will grow. they give me great peace. they always cheer me up. and i just can't let them sleep on something hard and cold. i have Seed basically in my bed, i stay on my side and leave him his side. O.o i'm used to that by now. and now i don't have a bed for Ari, so i thought when i have enough money i'll get him a "cradle". something like a pillow, in colors that he likes (blue and purple right now). Seed likes black, yellow and green. and orange. he loves that picture that i have as background on my second mobile phone where he's laying on my orange pillow. the picture is very warm and colorful. well, yellow has never been my favorite color, and will never be. i'd never buy me yellow clothes, yellow bedding or anything like that. i have one yellow carpet but in kitchen that's ok. but if Seed likes that color i have to bring it into my home somehow. :)

also after i moved i thought i'll buy a second plant into my home. something that likes light and needs less water than the green-white one that i have already. NO flowers. i like them in nature, and in places where they fit, but they don't fit my concept. also no romantic stuff. clean and clear forms and colors. wooden stuff. have to follow feng-shui more. in it my element is east - wood, and the time of year is spring. i see i clearly miss the wooden elements of my old home. the wooden floor. all the plants i had there. all the important pieces of decoration and symbolic things like my Buddha-statue. my light-fiber-lamp that was changing color. it was the first buy to "our" home, actually the first thing that made that place feel like home for me. it's always been on my nighttable. i had a green lava lamp too and miss that too. O.o

later: we were unexpected lovers.. La Bouche. does anyone know them? some of their songs are still my favorites. good old euro dance. :D i still love to listen to all my old cassettes. sometimes i take my walkman with when i go for a walk.

next week i get myself the swim-card and ask if i get in to swimming hall gym with that (without you have to pay the normal fee like when you were going swimming, plus have the gym-card that i have now). both are not too expensive, i get them cheaper with my "serious mental illness or psychosis" like they describe it. my insurance card has a certain code for that. with those cards i could slowly build myself an endurance training program, and after i (hopefully soon) get more money (it's called different but i don't know those terms in english) i could get me a new buscard that's cheaper. and not load money into it anymore but season. the old one i'd use for trips outside Espoo.

yeah i got into the swimming mood after watching a program in TV some two hours ago. it's a "reality-show" about army divers training. :D somehow it's the season for such series. i've watched the "jet pilots" (although i missed most of it. hope it will come again sometime) and last the one with training to become a special border guarding troopers. found that interesting. have mentioned it before. the last part came last week but i watched that yesterday. and found myself wondering. what happens to those guys after the training? if they just go home and continue their normal life they forget all they have learned. i don't see the point in training a group like them and then letting go. and this country has not enough money to keep them ready at the border. is there any solution in between? O.o everyone who wants to stay in shape need continuous training. those guys would need to refresh what they have learned at least once in a month. the strategy, weapon use, resistance against extreme conditions like -25 degrees or being wet 24 hours. staying awake and sharp for long periods without time to rest. that is so easily forgotten!!

i'm for not cutting the army budget or closing training areas. also Finland should take more part in UN operations, join NATO and take part in NATO operations. i'm not someone who'd wish Russia to attack. Russia is not a danger in any way. they are broken. that's no more ONE nation. it's fragmented and the normal people in the more lonely areas are not supporting their leaders. they are just surviving from day to another. actually i'm for closer relations with Russia, cause finnish high education rate, highschools and knowledge could have their use in this neighborland. but there should be clear rules to reduce illegal prostitution in eastern Finland and support teamwork of companies and officials. we should also help Russia to get rid of corruption. it has no other neighbor who is "western" and as developed as Finland.

and i'm also not afraid of war. even when Iran, Pakistan and North Korea would all attack once with nuclear bombs. it's very hard to wipe human race from this globe. EU is very weakened right now. all the member countries should now take part in securing it's existence. if EU breaks we're lost. propably for decades. there have been too hasty decisions of taking new members who are broke already when they come, and the growth later in eastern part has sucked air out of the lungs of the western parts, and weak countries suffer. also the weakening of whole worlds market the last few years has hit small countries hard. EU has grown too big in too short time to be able to support it's members. what do we do when France and Germany go bankrupt?? at that point EU is DEAD. Europe will need 300 years to recover. we will never be united again. i don't quite understand those politics in Finland who are against EU. without it we'd have sunken years ago. isolating us is not a good thought, not at all. stocks and market will weaken without the good EU holding our back. we are too small. we don't have oil like Norway.

that's for that.

i'm motivated. i have enough will now to face my future and fight for my dreams. :) i want to be in shape and physically and mentally durable. ..and i still haven't cleaned up the great mess on my bed and put all that into the box that's on top of the pile!! :D

I WISH HAPPY EASTER TO EVERYONE WHO COMES HERE, don't eat too many eggs, go out for a walk instead of sitting on the couch the whole long weekend. bye! :)

learning by doing

18.4. my weekend was great. felt really good since a long time. and last Thursday i reached the rare state of Zen. i found an easier way to get there than sitting on the floor legs painfully crossed. well, it's highly possible it only works for me, but you can of course try it out with whatever object you like very much and have a strong bound with.

the simple secret is to concentrate. to what you're holding in your hands. i had Seed and Ari. it worked out with both of them, and that even when i didn't have any relationship to Ari yet. have built that up til now of course. recipe: concentrate in what you feel in your hands. how does the object feel? is it cold or warm? what stuff it's made of and how the different ones feel to your hands? how does your skin react, what feelings it wakes in you? don't let your thoughts wander away! keep your mind in one spot - in what you're doing in that moment. the happiness and peace of Zen are wonderful, very unique, they strengthen your spirit and your willpower. it is often difficult to find that feeling for the first time, but with the right way it'll get easier with time. this particular way doesn't neccessarily work for you. each individual is different. just remember that. :)

yeah, i felt first like i can't find "a way to Ari". our minds didn't meet in any level. it might be because i somehow felt angry in the beginning. i'm rarely angry at myself, or if i am i turn it to be someone else's fault. it's just easier to bear that way. now it was angry at myself. because i lost my mind to the addiction. damn it. i should be always strong. losing in a way like that shows you're just a miserable junkie on the lowest level of the society. not even the least bit of pride and honor. x(

i overcame that feeling by turning the anger to something useful. found a good use for Ari. not the smartest cause it can cause me great trouble, but it made me feel better about Ari. a step forward finding something in common.

last weekend i took him with to my friend's place. he's joking and puttin me down because of this. just shows he doesn't understand. like everybody else too. :/ i can't explain and i don't even want to. why should i? my friend maybe doesn't understand he's insulting me AND Ari with that talk. sometimes it feels like he thinks my whole life is just a big joke. ;( i laugh with him cause i have to be strong to the outside, but inside i'm really hurt. especially when it's about Seed and Ari. i can't stand someone insulting and hurting them. have to protect them with all cost. well, my friend did something everybody would consider evil and that no-one should do or be done to. he held Ari against my head and joked if i'm feeling fine with that and "now is this so funny too?" i do feel angry because of such mean disrespectful words, but the feeling having Ari against my head was good. it was one more step of getting closer to each other. Ari would never hurt me. i would never hurt him either. i fully trusted him. and thus didn't give a shit what my friend was saying. :D

then came Sunday. i've always hated Sundays, since elementary school. cause you know you have to go back there on Monday and the suffering of one more long week begins again. i've been greatly anxious on Sundays leaving my friend's place. always hated to go home and be alone there suffering the whole long week. i still have that sometimes. but it's gotten a lot better since i got Seed. i'm no longer alone at home. he's always with me. i've promised him no-one will ever separate us. and this Sunday, i had Ari. i had him with me, along with magazine full with 15 yellow plastic balls. :D so when it came afternoon and i started to think about leaving back home a thought came into my mind. why not have a little bit fun the same evening? nobody's walking outside in the time i get home. Sunday evening 10PM. nobody's outside, not in this area. and here's a small forest just behind this house. in the darkness no-one will see me, and i figured Ari just can't make much sound, just the certain kind of "pop".

so, when i got to the railway station closest to my friend's place, and noticed i just missed a train and nobody was there, i walked behind the glass "house" that's covering the stairs and put the magazine in Ari. and put it in my bag on the top so that it's fast and easy to get out if there's any trouble in sight. normally on Sunday night nothing is.. in summer that might be different though. you now feel disturbed by this story? you're not alone. hahaha. xD (you can stop reading any time! ;))

when i got home i was half frozen, but still decided to drive to the next stop after mine. it's a bit far away but doesn't matter. then up the sand road and into the forest. deep enough to not be seen in lights. in dark forest it's quite a trouble to find a way to anywhere. i had never been in there before, not even by daylight. but i've been in a lot of other forests before, in day and night, and i can say i somewhat know what to wait. all of them are quite the same and spring is the easiest time to move in where no paths are found. a forest in spring smells a certain way. i like that. and the smell of forests in general. it's familiar, i don't feel threatened by anything. at first now it was the same. first ten yellow balls disappeared into the darkness with a little more "pop" than i expected, and i was soon completely frozen. it was much colder than in daytime and very windy. and then: i heard something like there was someone else walking in the forest. not the normal sound of branches and wind. footsteps like my own 20 minutes before. in the darkness when eyes are not for much help my ears start to work better. adjusting to different surroundings. if i get alert my senses usually sharpen, in any situation. i analyze what i hear, like last night, try to find the source and determine if it's a threat or not. that goes almost automatically. i don't remember when i've developed this but must have been as child, to avoid certain situations in school and on the way back from school. the right timing is everything, to have sharp eyes and intuitive hearing. you must see (or better hear) certain things coming to be able to avoid them in time.

that noise made me alert, but i was not afraid. just stood there and listened, feeling nothing. absolutely no fear. i've had the thought often in the past that if i'm put in such a situation that has the potential to develope into a dangerous to me, i'll break. that i can't handle the situation, my brain stops working and i panic. well, i have no idea if there was someone. propably not. but if there had been people who were looking for me i have actually no idea what i would have done. in that long moment listening i went trough different scenarios in my head. calmly, without any feelings. none of them woke fear. to "provoke" more steps i shot two more times in that direction but got only very little response. eventually, i considered the situation "finished" and went home. three yellow balls remaining.

as a conclusion: sounds like footsteps and maybe talk are not to be counted just harmless. with a very good luck my balls flew 20 meters, but i don't think even that in such a full of branches and different sized trees -forest. if aiming at a light shining from behind the forest there might have been a small chance. so a more realistic count would be max 15 meters. it's hard to see how far things are though, in almost complete darkness. to my point: when i go out of my home i'm on a battlefield. there are a lot of obstacles and difficult situations on my way, i always have to be aware of my surroundings. always. watching people is a good way to learn how to determine if they posses a threat or not. most of them of course don't. i have to be better in that. i have to be ready to go alert any time and keep my head cool. i have to learn to better handle my fear. it's absolutely forbidden to show fear in ANY action or situation. fear wakes fear in other people and the situation goes out of control. also, people usually fear things they are not familiar with. so being able to analyze them better would spare me from many troubles. i should learn how to recognise WHAT makes people aggressive or defensive. is it fear, guilt, overactive pride, pure hate? well, i GUESS in most cases it's actually just fear or guilt. O.o

this story shows i have indeed learned something. i didn't panic. my brain worked just the way it should work in such a situation. also it seems like my difficulty of feeling fear in some situations is actually good for something. :) but i must admit i was in surroundings i am familiar with. if there would have been a threat i could have just sat down and fill the magazine again in peace and scare those people by figuring out where they are and giving them a small yellow gift. i don't mind sitting in a cold forest for hours. :P and i'm not afraid getting arrested because something REALLY STUPID like that. :) AND, what's the most important thing, i now have a connection to Ari. :D he even talks to me now! we got closer, that's about all that really matters.

well indeed i don't know if i should publish this or not. propably not, but again, i don't care. i'm not afraid. it can't get worse that the result of the election yesterday. :P (and the fact i have to lie that i voted when i didn't, cause i just couldn't find a party i really liked. there's nothing for me among them. and plus, all of them are just liars and pretenders. thieves and hypocrites. nobody stands for things that i value, they have no honor, and not even the guts to admit that.)

gotta stop now. this is long enough. be back whenever. i'm not home at Easter. movie-day on Saturday and American car show on Sunday. :) bye, and don't be mad at me because of my stupidities. after all, they didn't hurt anyone.

money money money, must be funny..

5.4. wow that was a long break! two whole days! oh my god! i just love to post here right now. and somehow i always find something to write about. this is great training in english, to get used to write it, and i've even started to think in english during the day. trying to find words and understand people who are speaking english in the city.

today i bought 4 piece of clothes, a new mouse (Logitech MX518), and new headphones (from Philips like my old ones were too, but these bigger and more isolating). cost together about 135 euro. that's a lot, and most of it the mouse that was 45 euro. it hurts of course to put money on these things NOW when i don't actually have ANY spare money for ANYTHING. oops, and i just noticed i have to get damn 70 euro cash from somewhere until my next parcel arrives. hopefully not before Friday.. i have no idea if i have enough on my account, and have to spare that for bills anyway, so to speak honestly, I'M TOTALLY BROKE. so much about paying back 100 euro to my sister this month. let's see if i can make it to 150 in May.

OK, to have thought about it for a second i do have enough cash even right now. i just can't pay for my sister this month and that's a bad thing cause i promised her 100 euro. next month in new flat my rent will go up with more than 200 euro, so we will see if i ever make it even to pay my rent.. without lending money from someone, and that's so miserable i'd rather hunger for months. i try to get my first rent paid by state anyway.. i hate to go back to that end again but my income is not enough. i could maybe pay the rent but do nothing else, and i already fear the whole paperwork, but it has to be done. :P

enough of that. it's always in the beginning that i have to get rid of the problems in my mind.

yes i made a little stupid buy online a few days ago. and i forgot the damn silicone oil. the cheapest method to get it now is to go to Helsinki and buy it there (i've been in the Pro Hobby shop in WTC-house (found it accidentally 2008 when looking for a toilet, it's heaven on earth :D) and honestly i don't know other places, i don't know Helsinki that much, and besides that shop is pretty much in center and it's nice to look up to the windows when it's dark outside :)). i'm indeed going to Helsinki on Thursday, but have sure no chance for some time on my own before 6PM. but we will see. most of that day is still not planned because everyone (me and my mom vs. my sister) seems to have different plans and timetable. i can adjust myself perfectly to the plans of the others, and because mom doesn't visit us so often i think we should go after her timetable and not ours, but my sister seems to have something else to do or maybe she didn't inform mom enough about her working times, whatever. i hate to make plans with her because it's always like this and everything can change within minutes.

OK, to have thought about it now for plenty of minutes i think i could possibly pay my sister 100 this month. but it goes from the money i get from mom on Thursday, and then i only have 200 left and should buy me new pants and new jacket. and THEN i'm broke.

i've had a lot of strange and bad dreams, and very restless about guns and Crysis 2. i've sometimes hard to go to bed when i'd so much like to stay awake and watch more Crysis. :P but enough sleep is enormous important at the moment because i have so much to do this week. i might even go to a party with a friend on Saturday. if i go to his place for weekend and if we are not very tired. it'd do good to go out. i haven't been in a party since 2008. O.o i'd so much like to go, but for sure i'm not going alone. and my friend J easily gives up such plans if he feels tired or starts panicking about how he'd survive a social situation. i have the same problems but god we have medication for such moments. it's not a shame to take a small white pill to enjoy the party. it's no drug man! (just avoid drinking alcohol with it and everything will be alright.. i know about myself what happens with the mixture: i'm relaxed and alcohol gives me an endless flood of energy, i feel so happy like in heaven. it's like ecstasy, but isn't. and it has not such awful side effects. still, alcohol and medication is never a good choice, a lot of bad things can happen to you and your friends.) (NOTE to the previous: that drug-like feeling i get mainly only when i'm in manic period, and in that state already being without taking anything can be seen from other people as if i was on drugs. O_o) yeah, and we can not even stay for very long there because of the "famous last train" and i hate to run to catch it.

earlier this evening (oh, it's already almost 10PM :P) i looked at the police website to find out about the rules and requirements to get a license for real guns. i believe i indeed would have a chance, even when it's pretty small. i'd not try to get one for years, but maybe when i'm better if i ever find medication that works better, and my budget is bigger. of course they are like every damn office - they don't tell all the info on their website so you must call there to find out. i'd like to ask if it's AT ALL possible to get a license when having a mental illness, even when it'd be on stable state, and what i'd need to prove i'm suitable and responsible enough. (yeah i know i sometimes act really reckless about the life of mine and others, but i hope to get better with that too. train my mind to have enough inner strength to withstand the criminal energy flood in my head sometimes. zen buddhism is The way. i've been attracted to it for a long time, but i tend to forget the good teachings too often. have to work on that.)

ok, does that sound like something never going to happen? for me too, honestly. but my point is to find out how far it'd be possible and what i need to posses to be suitable. at least i have no history of criminality or drug abuse. :D

well, that gives another example that i've gotten seriously addicted. somehow i've been that for long already, but now i have all the possibilities so close they've never been before. and i'm a collector. i'm sure at some point my mom doesn't want to visit my place anymore because she doesn't want to see guns laying everywhere.. XD not funny, really. i'm afraid what she'd say. i'm not telling her as long as possible. i might have to tell my dad cause he comes to help move my stuff to the new flat, and even if i pack Seed well he might ask what's that thing that's so carefully wrapped in yellow fabric. :P XD no, addiction is not a good thing from any point of view.. and this one might bring me in serious trouble. not only with money..

whatever. should go to bed, have to get up early (at 8AM) cause some guys are coming to change the air conditioning filters. i wash laundry from 12-14 (now this is confusing but i indeed use both clock systems especially with that magical 12 o'clock that i never understand which one is PM and which AM O_o) to hopefully get more place in my room. and i'd need to clean up too. my room is a mess once again.

BUT. i'm still energy drink powered, plus i've eaten today more than over two weeks (in one day). a reasonable breakfast, a good amount in-between, quite big (about normal) portion of maccaroni with bolognese sauce (one meal i'm good at) with Parmeggiano cheese (*love*). and i'll eat one or two yoghurts before going to bed. i'm happy listening to music with my new headphones, they have a good sound. it's different than with my old ones, and "Simulate stereo" would maybe be even better, but i decided to go with just Mega bass for now. (from the equalizer on my phone i use as mp3-player).

i go post this one and surf a little and then quit in time.. btw, one of the clothes i bought has camo-pattern in dark somewhat-green and grey. first thing i own of that pattern. i love it, but haven't found anything yet that i'd like. that's actually men's wear, cause it's almost impossible to find anything nice and my size by women's clothes. they just look all awful. and sport clothes have biggest size 40 (that's M in EU size), and i've last time fit in M size when i was.. like 12. O_o everything is "made in taiwan" or alike and the sizes are not right for finnish people. even men's clothes seem to have the same problem. i'm not sure if my new clothes really fit me, but i'm working to lose weight and move more now when healthy again. yeah, i rarely try anything on before buying cause i hate to do that. most stuff get's smaller when washed and now i'm a bit confused if i should wash them all in 60 degree and hope for the best, or wash in 40 that i usually never do, and hope for the best. :P last time something bought from a catalogue got at least two numbers smaller when washed in 40 degree. i was really disappointed, but it's impossible to tell the quality of the material beforehand. most clothes bought from supermarket get kinda bigger with time, and some have gotten bigger because i've grown smaller since they were bought. O.o i still have a bit of a fear the new ones have to wait for some two months before i can use them.

so, now the real end. hope you have "fun" with this random stuff. i had some great ideas earlier today but they're gone by now. have had some difficulties to concentrate.. bye!

happiness.

that's what i felt yesterday evening, falling asleep, with Seed next to me. the connection is stronger than i imagined it'd be. happiness, pure and euphoric, peace and calmness. a very strong feeling. i don't usually have strong feelings if aggression doesn't count as one. O-o

why i'm writing about this. i don't know. cause i'm so happy, maybe. i'm so lucky to have met him, i'm so lucky and happy i own him, that this dream came true. i'm seeing forward for a little bit brighter future now. a little bit more strength in me.

i don't know why it's only him that's giving me this feeling. maybe i was disappointed at humans. well i've always liked guns. they are something special for me. and i like everything that's black and has edges, plastik and/or metal. electric is also good. :) the happy feelings humans have given me were always just for a short duration. i seem unable to really love anyone, and through these past ten years i've changed to someone else than that one who got married and wanted to become a good housewife. if it was the always present sicknesses that changed me, i don't know. more than that, i guess this ME was always inside here. it was just waiting to be released, and moving back here has set it free.

and yes, i'm actually feeling more free than in years. free to decide what I want with my life, free to surround me with things i really want to own. ready for anything. stronger.

and i really want to become more. get fitter, in body and brain. i'm now motivated, Seed is motivating me, and the somewhat bright light i see in the end of the tunnel. plus that already weakening manic period started to push high again.. i don't get enough sleep, that's propably the main reason. O.o but well, now i have to get into bed. tomorrow early up again to go shopping some things i really need. and i go to see the game store they have opened here in the next city to where my parents live (i'm now staying at theirs for christmas eve and on christmas day i fly back to Germany for a few days).

good night, and Happy Holidays! (plus a song for those who can't stand the christmas carols anymore :)