happiness.

that's what i felt yesterday evening, falling asleep, with Seed next to me. the connection is stronger than i imagined it'd be. happiness, pure and euphoric, peace and calmness. a very strong feeling. i don't usually have strong feelings if aggression doesn't count as one. O-o

why i'm writing about this. i don't know. cause i'm so happy, maybe. i'm so lucky to have met him, i'm so lucky and happy i own him, that this dream came true. i'm seeing forward for a little bit brighter future now. a little bit more strength in me.

i don't know why it's only him that's giving me this feeling. maybe i was disappointed at humans. well i've always liked guns. they are something special for me. and i like everything that's black and has edges, plastik and/or metal. electric is also good. :) the happy feelings humans have given me were always just for a short duration. i seem unable to really love anyone, and through these past ten years i've changed to someone else than that one who got married and wanted to become a good housewife. if it was the always present sicknesses that changed me, i don't know. more than that, i guess this ME was always inside here. it was just waiting to be released, and moving back here has set it free.

and yes, i'm actually feeling more free than in years. free to decide what I want with my life, free to surround me with things i really want to own. ready for anything. stronger.

and i really want to become more. get fitter, in body and brain. i'm now motivated, Seed is motivating me, and the somewhat bright light i see in the end of the tunnel. plus that already weakening manic period started to push high again.. i don't get enough sleep, that's propably the main reason. O.o but well, now i have to get into bed. tomorrow early up again to go shopping some things i really need. and i go to see the game store they have opened here in the next city to where my parents live (i'm now staying at theirs for christmas eve and on christmas day i fly back to Germany for a few days).

good night, and Happy Holidays! (plus a song for those who can't stand the christmas carols anymore :)