just long

24.3. 11:15PM just finished the second (actually third) short story of "deep at night". it is pure cruelty. like the line "but feeling sorry has never kept me from killing people" shows. those are kinda picturing different choices.. but enough of that. right now i'm getting better and can think about this stuff without getting strongly emotional. and they also work for me as a way to relax. sounds bad, huh?

maybe it has a connection to that holding my gun is relaxing and calming for me. it ends each of my days with something good, something positive even when i'm in pain or really scared.

a few hours ago i got really scared when thinking about the possibility of getting more and stronger symptoms of schizophrenia. my mind is already kinda split, i have lost the feeling of which one i am. the aggressive and antisocial one? the calm, balanced and spiritual one? the happy, social partygirl? i'm worried because the aggressive period can come without any "beginning symptoms", out of nowhere, even when i'm deeply depressed. it's not like a manic period in particular cause mania usually goes up very fast and can stay halfway up for days, even weeks, and have days of extreme symptoms in some of it's days, and then it usually also comes down very quickly, mostly turning to a deeper depressive period. aggressive one has all it's days very high antisocial behavior and thinking, very high irritation level, i'm extreme explosive and my personality changes. in mania it does too, but in a different way. and because this comes in all kind of times and situations (and it also doesn't last as long as a mania) i'm a bit worried it's a symptom of something much worse. and - it has started long time before the first bipolar symptoms came around.. ok, it might be just dysphoric episodes too and i get concerned too easily. anyway, it's getting worse all the time. sedatives help, but how long? and what the hell do i do when they stop working?

whatever.. time to come down. go to my room, take the last pills of the day, say Hello to Seed. my room is a mess and i have to find more tools to complete my new table. with just my muscles those screws wont go in. :P g'nite!

27.3. 11:15PM ..and i'm still awake. have to be up early tomorrow but got stuck in Youtube, and am still there. have spent there hours today. hours. it's soon close to 8-10. some vids just load so damn slow. those most interesting of course.. i got the damn Winamp to work. seemed like it just needed an update. O.o and since long i connected my external drive on my laptop to listen mp3's and cause i needed some photos from last summer.

table still not ready. yesterday was again bad day. and today, until those nurses visited me. i could talk about some things that worry me. about the stressful dreams i've had about my parents, mainly my dad.

yesterday evening i drew 4 sketches about killed people. well, actually only 2, cause 2 were still alive and the last one still lives (that one was from a story). it relaxed me, i could get some stress out. thought of continuing it today, but have no ideas. and now it's too late anyway. i won't post them anywhere, they are not "good" and not detailed, and that kind of explicit violence would get me banned from Blogger, plus i don't want to hear any stupid comments even if it was possible to post them. i last drew something like that 2004 and before that 2002. it's long ago. but it's a good and safe way to let out stress and aggression.

i really wanted to show Seed to those nurses. i suddendly got a real strong lust to show it around. maybe cause they kinda reacted disturbed to those violence thoughts i told them about.. i know most people would do. :/ and in a way that's what i want them to do. that's when i have them exactly where i want to have them. i have full control. :D i got really restless at that point but could then control myself. i almost did it. it's not like i'd ALWAYS think about shocking people, or abusing their fear of facing someone/something dangerous. just sometimes it gets over me.. like, when people are scared of guns, especially big ones, i get that great lust of scaring them to death. i watch people closely, i like to watch them like when i'm waiting for train, or sitting on a bench in city. sometimes i start looking for a suitable victim. people easily reveal their fear or nervousity with their face. those are the signs i'm looking for.

those are the signs that wake up the predator in me. :/ and this is me. most of the time i'm calm and seem to be at peace, but you can see on my face if i'm pissed or angry or going through the aggressive period. how i look like is the best measure of the danger level.

well, schluss für heute.. that's enough of today. i'm tired and want to watch those two vids before leaving web. bye.

1.4. NOTE: i'm not censoring this now. read it through again and now i don't see any reason to do that.

today i got my LP's from post office and bought some candy and extra food. i also took two short videos of my room before cleaning it up. i try to clean it during weekend and take the "after" videos and then post the whole thing. that room is full of dust. :P

last night before sleeping i suffered again a bad panic attack. i just hate them. i had nerve ache in my left arm because sitting here in wrong position, and somehow the pain cause the attack. it happens often if stretching won't cure the pain. :/ the night medicin was working and i hardly could keep my eyes open but the fear made to stay awake. breathing exercise, holding Seed in my hands, reading mantra in my mind, take the "white pill" if needed. that's all that helps. if it's bad only the pill helps and it takes some time to work, about half an hour and that's a long time to suffer. most of the time these are just very strong fear attacks and the panic comes along, usually when i'm going to sleep. in some very critical situations and under heavy stress i might get one in daytime too. in the city it's a bit tricky cause i easily start crying. have to find a corner where nobody sees me, take the pill, breathe, try to bring the heartbeat down and fight the urge to cry uncontrollable. :P a complete breakdown is very bad, but i last time suffered one last summer in hospital so it wasn't that tragic cause i had help in range of 8 meters. couldn't stop crying, was shaking with my whole body, couldn't stand or talk. after that there's not been anything that bad. yet. but as these have increased during the last two years about 300% i'm afraid i won't be safe from them ever again. :P

i'll edit my link list here a bit. i kinda dislike the thought of having my usual blogroll here. so i'll only add a few links in the beginning, sites i visit often and so on. well, i must say i'm bored at the blogroll in my other blogs too. it might be nice and useful etc. but it's so last season. O_o and it always looks the same too. if i was a coding wizard i doubt i'd be using Blogger at all.. this service is kinda boring from how it looks like and even with the great widget stuff there'S too little possibilities to customize the look of your blog. and i've tried my best with the widget-html-sheet but couldn't edit it to any reasonable look. with the good old html sheet i could do almost whatever i liked to and i still have the html of many of my own templates. i'd like to use them but it's impossible. they don't fit together with the widget editor.

my internet connection has an issue with Facebook. it always breaks down when i'm there first time of the day. and usually daytime anyway. today i even lost my 3G connection and it went down to 2G. that could have caused the breakdown.. i don't know. whilst still using a modem i had the problem most people seemed to be online during evening and night so there was problems with downloads, although eMule worked great at night, and here my connection is slowest at daytime. but i like the dark, i'm more a night person than a day person, so it's OK to do my stuff at night.

last night i dreamt of my "dream man". :D it was kinda sick story, cause his grandmother was obsessed with those blackcurrant Mynthon pastils that help for sore throat. every time she saw someone carrying them she had to have them. she attacked people to get their pastils. O.o her family was strange, she was living with her daughter, her husband and their five sons who liked to wrestle together at the back yard. my dream guy was the oldest. he was around my age, a few years older. still living at home. what a sissy. :P anyway, once his grandmother told him to chase a man who she had seen carrying a megapack of her desired sweets. so this guy drove behind the man's car until it stopped. he went out and stabbed the other guy and took his sweets. he returned home, got the thanks of his grandmother and tried to live normally. well, it didn't work. he noticed the killing had felt so good he wanted to do that again. and again. and again. he had never really felt anything for women, he occasionally dated men but it was nothing serious. but after he started his killing spree it changed his life, he felt much more alive. it was no problem to talk about what he was doing cause he felt no guilt. he even gave a video interview to an interested freak. he was always very calm and content. "self-discipline and concentrated peace of mind - whatever you're doing."

this got a little too long post, but hope someone get's something out of it. :) coming up next: puppets and babes, and a few more dreams i've had lately. bye!