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April 30, 2011

at night i feel the best

today's been a rollercoaster. yesterday i had to think about my past relationship, and today i made a word-video, can be found in my youtube-channel. i felt so bad i never seem to catch a good relationship. they all end in chaos and tragedy. i feel like it's me who always does wrong. well, i feel hurt from others too, like what they say to me now when my first ex has been that for long, and my new ex is only fighting with me every time we see. they critisize everything i do and what i like. i've taken a lot really bad treatment from them. the one said he can do whatever he wants and i have no rights, the other one held my own gun against my head.

i think a lot of kicking them both out of my life. but i have no-one to replace them. absolutely no-one. they are basically my only friends IRL. i cling to them. i still have some good memories and there are some good moments. it just gets lesser and lesser what i can talk about with them. seems like they are no more interested in my life. they just want to tell me about their own. if i obediently listen and laugh when i have to laugh everything is ok. but they make it very clear when i'm talking about something they don't want to hear. and that's getting more and more all the time. soon there will be nothing left. i'm just giving and not getting anything back. :/

still i have the feeling i've somehow caused this by myself. i've always felt like that. maybe i was made to believe that long time ago. everything is always my fault. everything i say is wrong, everything i like is bad or worthless. i don't care if my parents treat me like that. they've always done that. but from so called true friends i'd wait a little bit more. like, my "best" friend cut all contact to me when i was in hospital last summer. no contact, no support, nothing. and i've always been ready to support him, in anything.

that hurt me really bad. i cried a lot because of it. i was doing really bad, i had panick attacks and because they raised my medication i was in a kind of coma all the time, in the beginning i thought there's nothing worth for living when my best friend says something like that to me. i slept a lot. i ate what they gave me to eat. i went crazy and hit my fists to floor until they were bloody. then i went to gym downstairs and finished them off with boxing. my personal nurses (one male, one female, i only remember the male one) critisized me and i promised i won't hurt myself anymore. i started to write backgrounds to a story of mine. i wrote two weeks. after release my condition went back down within few days. i cut my arms, i feared more than ever in my whole life, for two and half months i feared every day and every night.

and then, at the same time, i have to act like i'm ok, i have to smile, i have to fight the urge to cry. i can't show my family how bad my situation is. i have to pretend to my friend that i'm ok again that i'm allowed to see him. i have to pretend to my ex-husband that i enjoy our summer holiday. he tried his best, i guess, at least in the beginning, but it ended up with fighting all the time. i remember two really good days from that 1,5 weeks trip.

this is miserable i know. i don't want to claim about everything all the time. i just went far down today. now i got up again after i listened to farsi music in Youtube and after i could hold two guns in a shop in city. the one i want to have some day (good over 500 euro O.o) as basic version is too long for me but it's no problem, can get a folding stock. the other one looked cool but i don't remember it's name. they posted the pic in Facebook but i still don't remember even when i was there 2 hours ago.

have to go to bed. i always lose the track of time when it's dark and i have the feeling i'm alone. :) and it's not really as bad as i just wrote, til now i'm ok again. umm.. hungry, but ok. i just had to let out some of the misery inside. :P i should not dwell on the past, so let's look to the future now. i hope to be able to get me the ACR Masada AND new PC in the end of this year.. :) needs some more porridge and dry bread and bad tasting chili, but i guess it's possible. :)

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