13.4. today is better than yesterday and previously this week. yesterday i had a bad down. fell back down to depression and hurt myself in search for escape. i don't feel safe anymore. but last night i had a good long dream. nightmare and a stressdream before it didn't disturb me much.
the nightmare was again one where i had to fight against my brother. maybe they are coming now because i feel unsafe and like i have to defend myself all the time. never had dreams like that about my brother before. we were always fighting as kids but i never really felt threatened like in those dreams. and the dreams are very violent too. last night i had to take the final chance and threaten him with my guns to get rid of him. i made it look like they were real and i would shoot him if he doesn't let go of me. he let me go, but the next my dad came to me to "talk", and started to yell at me. then mom did the same. afterwards i was laying in my bed, totally finished and sick of all that, had been crying much and didn't have any power in my body, and dad came to ask more stupid questions. i was laying on my stomach, holding both Seed and Ari in my hands, actually laying ON THEM so that i had them against my chest. i told dad that they make me feel safe, and eventually he left. the last thing he did was pointing at his forehead and saying something about that it's a pity that with those guns i can't shoot myself in the head. guess that dream pretty much reflects what has happened the last few days, and my feelings about it. like, i've felt like i'm not even given the chance to defend myself. everybody have the right to kick me in the dust and i can't do anything. if i do i get problems immediately.
that stressdream was about someone whose blog i follow, she had started to design really ugly looking beds and bedrooms, everybody loved them and i thought about a way to politely say they were awful. O.o
and the good dream. a battlefield. it changed a lot from real war to simulated. beginning was walking on sunny winter landscape, not much snow left on the fields, i felt really good and thought i can't wait to learn more and see some action. then some crawling on snow covered fields to hide from enemy who looked a lot like illegal hunters (O-o) and were walking around the field and piece of forest in 2-3 man groups. there were also children, girls and boys, and they were treated the same than adults: shot as soon as they discovered us. guess they had some special tracking ability, that's why they were there. they didn't do much of anything, just showed the directions. we moved to a more snowy ground where the enemy had digged canals into the snow. we could glide down them to open ground and the snow was a good cover cause bullets didn't go through it even when it was very light. O-o then came the city part. in Tampere. :D there's a big factory building at the shore of the lake, close to where my grandmother lives. in the dream it had very old parts, like in the center there are old factory buildings around the river. i was now leading a group of my own and was greatly proud of that. i also knew the surroundings. no-one of the others had never spent long time in Tampere and i've been there quite a lot. this was the last part of the dream and it was real war. our mission was to find an enemy cell and destroy it. we had gotten a tip that they could be hiding in one of the old buildings that had a museum in it. and a church. a really strange place. we cleared the building and found nothing. from somewhere i knew the museum director, and forced her to show me the basement. my team stayed upstairs to secure all exits. i forced the woman to bring me down the secret stairs and doors that i knew existed. the basement was very dark, i checked everything on the way. it was a really big place so some of it i left over. (it looked very much like the other basements i occasionally dream of. they scare the hell out of me most of the times cause they remind me of the holocaust dreams long time ago. O_o) one door she didn't want to open, but the threat to be shot works well. it looked like a room to dry laundry, but the floor was digged out, a really big hole like a giant and very deep well. i stayed by the door and told i'm scared of high places. but it was clear the enemy troops had digged themselves into the ground and their secret base was down there. looked really scary. the dream ended to that.
but good entertainment last night. :D can't complain.
last night i stayed awake to half past 1AM, i drew something. again a killed person. beaten up and stabbed. in color. today i did one too, a Buddha statue like in a temple and a couple being shot beside it. like, a sacrifice. the woman is already falling down and the man just gets his brain blown out. much like a sketch, not very detailed if the blood doesn't count. indeed i have nothing against buddhism, it is important to me and i try to learn from it's teachings. more it's those people were killed in a temple by accident. if there was a story behind it they were propably brought into the closest house that happened to be a temple, to kill them very quickly. they could have been kidnapped and killed because their family didn't pay. i didn't mean to stain a temple's purity in any way. that thought just came into my mind and i brought it on paper without thinking much.
don't ask me why i do this. i'm tired to always have to explain. maybe it's because i want to get those pictures out of my head. maybe i want other people to see them too. maybe this is a way to fight against the social norms and rules. maybe it's a protest againts all the good and happy people in this world. i'm not good at drawing and tend to have long breaks in between anyway. a drawing doesn't harm anyone. in this case it's just fiction, no real persons were harmed or even planned to be harmed.
well, i have nothing more to say right now. my brain is bringing nothing but troublesome stuff that i better not write about. i should try to eat the rest of yesterdays noodles. then i could just forget everything and watch some youtube videos. i have a plenty to "watch later".