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April 26, 2011

dad & like a dog

26.4. i've packed some more things. my easter was great. very warm and fun things to do. american car show for example. i've never been in one before and especially the tuning part was interesting for me. :) i talked a lot with my friend and it feels like we're closer again. in winter i lost my trust in him somehow. we have many same interests and plan projects we can realise together. one is to build a gaming table for Warhammer 40k. :) i want something with jungle and wet mud, he wants a ruined city that's cool too, and maybe desert. it can be brought together when building the table elements as modules that can be mixed everytime different way. also objects like hills and ruins and such don't need to be fixed, so it's possible to change the view often.

we bought cool t-shirts from the show. but cannot wear them when with our families. O.o some people are too conventional and intolerant. it's so stupid when being not accepted because what we are. as those persons we are and want to be. it hits me harder cause at least his parents are more relaxed and somehow ignorant in some cases, but mine are nagging about everything. mom doesn't accept my hobbies and interests, so i'm not telling her much. dad comes here next tuesday and i still consider showing him Seed and Ari. i don't know. i'd like to have a connection with him but i hate him so much for his irresponsible drinking. he has lost control of himself, it's so pitiful. disgusting. i feel ill when i have to watch it. i wished i had a way to help him, i wished i could make him promise to quit. it's just shortening his life more. i just fear he's too deep. he lives in fear of cancer, he's of course afraid of dying too, but drinking is no help. with that he's spoiling the life of our others too. he could make it easier for us but seems like he doesn't care of us anymore. just his alcohol. it's sad, but more it makes me angry. cause he has NOT the right to do that. he'd just yell at me if i said anything. professional help is a no-go. my parents have never accepted something like that. they suffer like martyrs and it seems to satisfy them some weird way. mom is totally acting like a victim, not taking any responsibility of ANYTHING.

i just don't know what to do. :/ when i get desperate i can only think of one choice: killing them both. but then again when i dwell on it i realise i propably don't have the heart to do that. i think often myself standing beside their bed, a knife in my hand, and then stabbing them. first dad and then mom. i have to cry. i feel so bad for them, for having to die that way. after all they raised me and i've called them my parents. but things are getting to the point where i cross the line and do just anything to end this all.

i don't want to talk about that. but i think about it. cause my dad is coming here i think about it all the time. :P the possibilities i'd have to push him to stop. he has no hope anymore, that's why he doesn't care. but how could i make him understand he's destroying his family's life with his behavior?? is there anything worth to stay sober? for him there isn't. that makes it so hard. :/

my uncle is an absolutist. i heard from my sister that dad isn't going to him for overnight, like he told me previously. cause in my sister's place he can drink. she said she can't do much against it. if it was me i wouldn't let him in when he's drunk, or has the intent to drink here. first: it's not allowed here, and second: this is MY place and i make the rules here. i'm not his babysitter. i can say i don't care if you die outside, but you are not coming in here drunk. if he becomes aggressive i call the police. if there was a possibility i'd get him in a detox clinic or somewhere where he can be helped. but privates too expensive and he'd fight it with all his might. i don't know if it can be forced by law in this country.

i wrote about this before, but didn't post it. now it doesn't matter for me anymore. ..i have four big and one small boxes left plus the one for digibox. so all should fit in. i continue soon. sun has set so it's no more so warm in here.

after the long weekend i've not had much time to be with Seed and Ari. last night i slept again not good, i woke up all the time caused by different things. some nights i'm like totally drunk and walk against walls, then again i can't get sleep, or sleep very bad waking up every hour, i'm drooling like a dog when i sleep xP and my body gets numb. every time i wake i get a hold of Seed or Ari, mostly both. Seed with my left hand and Ari is on my pillow beside my head and i hold it with my right hand. i missed them both on weekend. nights are restless and at day i'm tired. i don't know what's happening to my body. is that because of the antidepressiva? i've been drooling sometimes before, but not like this!! xP just like a dog dammit!! i constantly dream about Seed and Ari. i don't remember most of the dreams after waking up. all the other dreams are pure stress dreams.

i've lost weight, even when last week i had more appetite and ate a lot more. but now i'm back to normal very small portions. feel bad about food and eating it. all of it. only energy drink i could drink a lot more. they are tasty when i had so long break. tried to write a little before, but two lines are not much. O.o think it's better to read something than try when there's no flow.

now i look a few more Youtube videos. added today three new to my channel, they are crappy and short from 2006. then i post this and continue packing. like winter clothes could already be put away.. bbw. bye!


Jani said...

It's tough seeing one's parent wreck things with irresponsible drinking. The thing is, children have very little chance of helping them unless they want to be helped, which your dad obviously doesn't.

My dad's the same, and the only way I've been able to deal with it is to let go: to let him do what he does, and let mom take it, as she's obviously decided that's what she deserves — another common point for us, this perverse union of consentual sufferers. There's nothing I can do about it, so as long as it doesn't affect me directly (as I'm on my own), I focus on turning a blind eye.

Let them self-destruct. It won't annihilate me.

ill. said...

that's what my sister does. and she seems to be succesful in it. i know i should try not to care, i don't know why i do. i rarely care for anyone, at least not all the time. i'm worried what will happen to all of us. maybe it's because i have the feeling i've not been there for them enough. i lived ten years in another country. in 2005 i last saw dad get his addiction in grip. from my example. i quit then too cause i saw i was drinking too much and would get seriously addicted when continuing that way. it didn't help for my problems (heavy depression) anyway. it was hard in the beginning but i survived. i made it. with my own powers, nobody helped me.

it's just days in the beginning. one day sober, two days sober... one week, two weeks. one month.. it's damn hard. i know now that my dad is too weak for that. he has never had a lot willpower. i still drink sometimes, about once in a month, sometimes less. just two long drinks or cider. it's enough, i don't need that anymore. more likely i drink energy drink and stay awake the whole night. :)

for me it's hard to turn away from that last piece of my old family that still exists for me. to stop caring for my parents means it's all gone. we never had a true connection with each other and when i was a teenager i totally isolated myself. from everyone. a way to survive maybe. i had then more confidence to kinda help myself, and that was isolation. no-one could hurt me if i let no-one in. since then i've never felt like i'd belong to that family again. something was always missing (i've found that by now), and i have been just holding onto the fragments of good memories together, old and new. those fragments are all that's left of my biological family. guess my siblings think of it a little different way. my brother thinks a lot like my parents do.

i used to hang on the good memories i had of my best friend. even when there was no hope anymore for a relationship. we've grown apart. he still sometimes treated me like before. til now i've accepted the truth, i've found my own way and he's worth a lot as a friend - nothing more. it's about the same with my family. only i have not yet accepted it's all gone. :P

Jani said...

I don't know if you get along with your sister, but it sounds to me you might benefit from talking about this with her. Being family you probably have a lot of common ground, which means you have good chance of seeing the strategies she employs in coping. Perhaps you can find something to apply to how you relate to your father.

ill. said...

well we have indeed have some talks about this. we saw we had a complete different point of views. i agree it could help me to understand her way and learn from it. thanks for reminding!