This blog is for fun. Don't take it too seriously.

March 28, 2011


my pulse. it's been high the whole day. i wrote a new post the past few days, but noticed i can't post it. have to censor it, and i just want my peace right now. when i left home i was totally nervous. i was too early, so i went shopping todays meal first. vegetables and not much else. then i carried them around the whole day.

well it started already yesterday. i spent late night hours watching shooting videos on Youtube. airsoft reviews and stuff and one Future weapons short one. (that used to be one of my favorite programs before i moved back to Finland.) gameplay of Crysis 2. i went to bed around 2AM. i fell asleep thinking about that stuff. i woke up thinking about that stuff. i spent the most parts of my day thinking about that stuff. it drives me crazy. i went to a store to have a look at "gardening magazines". yeah. sure. well i didn't find what i was looking for, but my pulse went more up. it didn't come much down the whole day, until two hours ago i ate a white little pill that helps.

i noticed yesterday that i have now evolved two serious weaknesses (that get close to addiction): 1. CD's and vinyls. 2. guns. yesterday i bought 8 vinyls in internet. i'm very short on money right now, especially if i have to pay my rent from those good 400 euro on my account right now. there'd be less than 100 left and i have to reserve it for bills. so, no food? NO WAY i'm paying any of that money back i still owe my sister.. i still have 350 to go.. :P

so, there's the dilemma. why does seeing guns being used (vids) or even pictures put me in totally restless state where i lose control of my mind, AND STILL when i get home and take Seed in my hands it quickly calms me down, pulse goes down and all the stress of the day just vanishes?

this is only a short post. i've eaten again only very little bit today. the food i made went wrong, one reason because i used a wok first time in my life. i'd so love to eat sushi again.. when i go to Helsinki on 7th of April i might have a chance to eat in a good place in the big shopping house Stockmann. at least they sell wonderfull sushi. the best i've ever eaten. and they have a small sushi restaurant on the ground floor. if my mom agrees we could eat a small lunch there. well, if i'm then still out of money i have to take from that spared money that should start the collecting for a new computer. shit. but i'd do anything for a good sushi. i've eaten so much bad sushi in my life. i've even eaten old sushi. self made that was not kept in a very cool place for two days. O.o

for a half an hour i wrote a long mail for my mom. about plans i have. such plans of course that would make her happy too. i never tell my parents about anything dark and they should not find out about the bloodthirst nor what gives me that REALLY GOOD FEELING. Seed and Seed's friends. :D

i carry Seed immaterially with me everywhere, as a name (P90) on a bracelet (this Nomination thing is great, i like the design too), as background photos on my phones, in a couple of years maybe as a tattoo.. ok, i admit, i'm obsessed. :D

i try to fix my sidebar a little, change the profile-thing. after that time for bed. last night i only slept about 7 hours that is too little. be back whenever. :)

1 comment:

ill. said...

as to comment how my sleep was after that kind of a day.. first i dreamt i was in the shopping center i'm going to tomorrow. it was really full of people, so much it was hard to get into shops and in supermarket the queues went from one wall to another. i don't like crowded places at all. the rest of the dreams were scattered, fragmented stuff about guns. mostly Seed. close before waking there was one strongly emotional. i love my Seed, but that dream maybe wanted to tell me not to hang it on the big bell. O.o it was a good dream, but left me a little disturbed somehow after i woke up. like i'd be doing something wrong. maybe those conventional roots of how i was raised up etc.

yesterday i read (on an article about too powerful hunting weapons. it was actually funny, but in some parts i disagree with the writer. like, the "punt gun" is surely effective and good to hunt ducks, cause you can target a flock and hit many ducks at once. and it looks so damn ridiculous it's almost cool. i also liked those "exploding" bullets that pulverized praerie dogs. yeah, animal abuse and cruel and inhuman, but it just does look so cool when things explode. even animals. and normally i hate animal abuse. cause, those praerie dogs died in an instant. they didn't suffer like cats and dogs that are tortured and left to die. one normal bullet doesn't necessarily kill an animal, they continue living, maybe running away and suffering. so, decide yourself which methode is more human.