my pulse. it's been high the whole day. i wrote a new post the past few days, but noticed i can't post it. have to censor it, and i just want my peace right now. when i left home i was totally nervous. i was too early, so i went shopping todays meal first. vegetables and not much else. then i carried them around the whole day.
well it started already yesterday. i spent late night hours watching shooting videos on Youtube. airsoft reviews and stuff and one Future weapons short one. (that used to be one of my favorite programs before i moved back to Finland.) gameplay of Crysis 2. i went to bed around 2AM. i fell asleep thinking about that stuff. i woke up thinking about that stuff. i spent the most parts of my day thinking about that stuff. it drives me crazy. i went to a store to have a look at "gardening magazines". yeah. sure. well i didn't find what i was looking for, but my pulse went more up. it didn't come much down the whole day, until two hours ago i ate a white little pill that helps.
i noticed yesterday that i have now evolved two serious weaknesses (that get close to addiction): 1. CD's and vinyls. 2. guns. yesterday i bought 8 vinyls in internet. i'm very short on money right now, especially if i have to pay my rent from those good 400 euro on my account right now. there'd be less than 100 left and i have to reserve it for bills. so, no food? NO WAY i'm paying any of that money back i still owe my sister.. i still have 350 to go.. :P
so, there's the dilemma. why does seeing guns being used (vids) or even pictures put me in totally restless state where i lose control of my mind, AND STILL when i get home and take Seed in my hands it quickly calms me down, pulse goes down and all the stress of the day just vanishes?
this is only a short post. i've eaten again only very little bit today. the food i made went wrong, one reason because i used a wok first time in my life. i'd so love to eat sushi again.. when i go to Helsinki on 7th of April i might have a chance to eat in a good place in the big shopping house Stockmann. at least they sell wonderfull sushi. the best i've ever eaten. and they have a small sushi restaurant on the ground floor. if my mom agrees we could eat a small lunch there. well, if i'm then still out of money i have to take from that spared money that should start the collecting for a new computer. shit. but i'd do anything for a good sushi. i've eaten so much bad sushi in my life. i've even eaten old sushi. self made that was not kept in a very cool place for two days. O.o
for a half an hour i wrote a long mail for my mom. about plans i have. such plans of course that would make her happy too. i never tell my parents about anything dark and they should not find out about the bloodthirst nor what gives me that REALLY GOOD FEELING. Seed and Seed's friends. :D
i carry Seed immaterially with me everywhere, as a name (P90) on a bracelet (this Nomination thing is great, i like the design too), as background photos on my phones, in a couple of years maybe as a tattoo.. ok, i admit, i'm obsessed. :D
i try to fix my sidebar a little, change the profile-thing. after that time for bed. last night i only slept about 7 hours that is too little. be back whenever. :)