28.4. 5:01PM report: after having already won i gave up and laid down to rest. slept 1,5 hours, awake for 1,5 hours, sleeping 2 hours, awake, sleeping 2 hours more. but i slept good, and in the first part had great dreams. have packed a lot today, it's sunny and i'm happy and balanced. my room looks better. very dirty and dusty, but not so many piles. will continue with clothes and books later and put the dirty laundry somewhere.
the good dreams, from worst to best:
i got to some random school for some reason but i was haunted by something and tried to get out. i had nothing to defend myself with so fleeing was the only choice. i found an abandoned looking toilet and hide there. went to the cabin, put my pants down and sat down. then i noticed in the cabin beside me was a student who was there to learn to clean toilets, and he had been waiting for someone. it was girls toilet. he started to dry the floor beneath him and i knew what he was going to do. he laid down on his belly and started to watch me from under the separating wall. i winked to him with my hand and smiled. like i'd care about something that pitiful. i still felt uncomfortable.
shopping with my friend J and his father. we had with us a boy called Jony who was for test staying with his family. he was badly depressed, slow, and dressed and acted like a girl. we arrived to the supermarket and me and Jony took money from the automat. i noticed i only have 70 euro left. Jony had even less and he started to cry. after shopping we went back to J's parents' place and i played childrens games with Jony, like on the floor with balls and toy cars, and build a railway for 3 year olds.
i was flying with my friend with our oldfashioned small propelled airplanes. it was getting dark and the skies poured rain over us. we wanted to land on our good friends private airport beside a small swampy muddy lake. but before we got there the weather changed to worse, my friend lost the control of his plane and crash-landed in the swamp close to shore. i tried to get to the airport, i talked to the owner via radio and reported our situation, but our friend there was alone and it would take long to drive small bad road to the lake. eventually i made an emergency landing in the lake. my plane started to sink even when it didn't break. i crawled through the mud to the shore and somehow found my way to my crashed friend further away. his plane was devastated and he was badly injured, but alive. i stabilized him and started to carry him away in the mud between rotting plants. all the time i had radio contact with our friend who was coming to help, but he got trouble on the way, his car got stuck often and the rain blinded him. the dream changed. what actually followed was the best part, but i leave that to the end. :)
this was the last one of the first series but it's not very good. i felt stressed and haunted. for some reason i was moving back to my childhood home. i got a new room (the house was a totally different and i felt like i'd never been there before) and started to unpack my stuff. i had an aquarium of the size and shape of a small book. i put it on my desk. it had light on the bottom and at least one goldfish in. my sister saw it and called me crazy for buying such a thing, but she liked it anyway. i fed my fish. the flake food was strange, very hard to break in small pieces, like thick paper. my brother came to see me but i don't remember what we talked. something casual. at some point i showed him and my sister my AEG. it looked great, like a mixture of a basic M16, P90 and a shotgun, it was at least 1,5 meters long and had an separate battery looking like a car battery, and took hours to load. some time my dad came and wanted to take us with shopping, and i asked if he'd like to see my AEG. i remember something like he'd have looked at it with a very suspicious and scared look on his face.
yay!! the best!! i was out in the snow playing with my new best friend. we played tag and shot at each other and trees and bushes. at night in an area with some ruined shacks and a main street going by. we both had an expensive blueish winter camo and other gear and had a lot of fun together. but in the middle, he was hiding and i had just found him from behind, i saw cops coming. someone had been annoyed or just scared by us and called them. they blinded me with flashlights, a whole SWAT-team :D and i realised there's no other chance than give up immediately. i warned my friend but he didn't believe it at first. i let my guns fall in the snow and raised my hands. the next scene. someone had given us a prototype of a carriable heavy machine gun. it should be great but it was total crap. it was light and sight was good, but absolutely no power behind that immense size and it was like shit to hold. just too possibilities: too high or too low. the worst ergonomy i've ever seen on anything. like a bad sized box on your shoulder that you cannot aim at anything unless holding it very low. phew. sorry. there was one more dream but i have forgotten it by now. :P
i feel awful. my body temperature went up last night and is still too high to be normal. and i can't find my cooling tea!! it's the only thing that helps!! have no idea if i packed it yet, can't remember to have done that, but can't find it in my room either. there might be one more box of tea under my bed, there SHOULD be cause i remember having packed tea and dry food in two grey plastic boxes, but last time i searched i didn't find a second one. shit.
have slept a lot with Seed beside me and Ari touching my face or on my stomach when i lay on my back. it's easy to fall asleep like that. and the sleeping quality is better than not having them close. when i last time woke up 1:23PM and changed clothes i noticed Ari had left a pressed picture of itself on my body. :D i don't feel something like that. it's weight doesn't disturb me at all. i've once slept with Seed on my stomach but i rarely sleep on my back so that's not so common. they are like close friends and kind of pets in a way (i like petting them too, just to show that i love them and care for them :D). for the perverts under the readers: i've given up sex right now. i have other things in my life that give me more and better satisfaction. i never really cared for sex. i rarely feel anything for people and there are some problems. one is that the last 7 years the things i like changed, and those two people i had the change to have sex with didn't like those changes. and didn't want to do what i would have liked to have. so i eventually gave it up with them, and there's never been a replacement. i'm not searching for one either. i don't think anyone would be interested in someone with my bad looks and personality. and as long as i shut the whole sex-thing out of my life i don't need to handle the problems linked with it. and i fear them. i'm not ready yet to face them and do something about them. i can write about guns as sex objects and such stuff, it's a great thing to really make people disgusted :D but i don't feel like that by myself. like, i can write about a lot and have no personal feelings for it. that's all i have to say about this.
to the end (?) one video i found very informative: Future weapons: Magpul Masada
it looks cool and is very useful as you can see in the video. i liked that series a lot when i had the chance to see it in TV. but that's not the case anymore. have also been too lazy or stressed to look at the discovery website. they have many great programs and i consider getting pay-Tv at some point.
found out today that my new electricity bill will be about 60 euro in 2 months. that's about 10 euro more than i've paid for two the whole winter. something's wrong here. but it's most likely too late to make it good anymore. i spent good 14 minutes in a service line that's costs were not displayed anywhere but i guess it's not cheap. they never are. :P i don't want to be a pitiful creature that cannot pay it's bills in time. there must be a way to deal with this in future. i'm not used to this situation. that's all.. i had to make a lot of must-buys the last months. well, i can find excuses but they don't change the situation. go post this shit and check my bank account. be back whenever.