11.4. i hate people. and the most of all i hate pictures of so called "happy families". smiling parents, smiling, healthy children, walking in a park where no plant or flower grows where it shouldn't, grass is even like a floor. standing before a flowerbed full of nice flowers. smiling so that i wonder how it must hurt to keep their mouths in such everlasting grin. weather is always bright and sunny. no clouds on the perfect sky. no trash laying around because trashcans are too full. no drinkers sitting under bushes. nobody smokes.
it's all just SHIT. why do families want to have photos of them in such unnatural poses? all because of the oh so important facade?
i'm not.. well, a racist, in particular, although my opinions have changed after the places i've lived in. BUT there are a lot of people or groups of people i don't like at all. people from Pakistan and India belong to them. they're ok, in their own country. i'm honest, i don't like how those men look like. also there are finnish men who i'd want to avoid with all cost because of their looks. drinkers, ex-drinkers especially. junkies can exist, i don't care. then there are the physically or mentally crippled. around where i live now i have the bad luck to run into them all the time. i live in a house for such people, but my condition is different. they are also stupid and can't propably even wipe their butt alone (sorry if someone feels now offended, but that's exactly how they LOOK like), they move and act like zombies, they are slow, they are ugly.
i'm just pissed off because of something else and this theme has a bit to do with it. i'm not the brightest by myself, but even i can see the difference. even in my worst condition i can still do more than they on a good day. i'm tired to watch them every day. i'm tired of pretending i accept them, that i'm like every "normal" person, tolerant and peaceful. fuck, i'm NOT.
my whole life people have tried to fit me in a model i don't like, try to make me accept things i hate, try to make me whatever normal. whatever. i'm tired of all this shit. always when something goes wrong it's my fault. why? why i'm always the one that has to fit into other peoples retarded way of living? if someone is sleeping in 3-5 hours pieces 24 hours a day, during the night and day, 5 hours awake, 5 sleeping, 5 awake... then WHY THE HELL do i have to fit my daily rhythm to hers??? IS LIVING LIKE THAT MORE NORMAL THAN MY 10 HOURS SLEEP DURING NIGHT AND 14 HOURS AWAKE DURING DAY????????????????????????????? FUCK YOU ALL MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i got today yelled at cause of a reason and i understand that, and that one person even admitted she should have CALLED me before she did what she did, BUT, THREATENING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IF I THREAT SOMEONE THEY SHOULD - AT LEAST THESE SO CALLED NURSES OR WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE - N O T REACT TO THAT AND TRY TO TALK US ALL OUT OF IT. THREATENING M E MIGHT END REALLY BAD. i almost told them if they want a bullet in their heads.. and that extra mean comment from the person whose daily rhythm is "better" than mine, after i had apologized two or three times.. i could have hit her in that stupid ugly face for that. (sorry i just have to let this out to find peace.. O_o) she said "someone else could have thrown you out of the window". stoooooooooopid motherfucker. i wanted to say "so, and what would that someone else do with a bullet in his head?" such comments are like always only allowed from other people, never me. i don't understand this fucking world anymore. x(
so, sitting in the waiting room waiting to see my doctor and three other people i thought what the fuck is the reason to hold on to what IS EXPECTED from me anymore. if they already have given me up, if they already think everything i do and think is bad and dangerous, as well as everything i'm interested in. my friends are slipping away. they don't understand. nobody does. they just all keep asking these stupid "why? why?" questions all the time. and then they wonder why i'm not social. CAUSE I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE OF ALL THOSE IDIOTS. with every bit i lose my trust more. it's just like when i was a kid. first i trusted people, then they betrayed and tortured me, i slowly gained trust again, ten years break and last year i slowly started to gain trust again, and now i'm again in the beginning. i think there's no reason to ever trust any-fucking-body again. what for? to be betrayed and abused again? i so wish that one day i could blast off all the heads of those fucking bastards. (or how about these nice bullets that vaporize the inside and leave the "fur" in tact? :DDD)
back to the original theme: aliens. i've not really met any criminal acts from their side. they are nice and polite, they mind their business. as long as people mind their business and leave me in peace everything is alright. i don't hate them in particular.
due to these people here acting like assholes i now have all i own packed in my small room. i took everything, only things in fridge are still in there, and TV and table don't fit in. it's stuffed here, i can hardly move and have no place to put all the things so they stay in plastic bags and i just take the food out and back in whenever i cook me porridge and stuff. all dishes and stuff is also here. kitchen is totally empty. so my retarded ex-drinker roommate can have it all. i know she never uses it. we had talked about this previously and found a solution, and now suddendly i'm the bad person who never behaves. yeah it really "fits all so easily" in my room like i was told today. guess if i'm going to clean this room after i move out? NO FUCKING CHANCE.
have avoided my roommate for a few hour now, but have to go warm my soup for today and then i want to watch some TV. from now on i'm only using the kitchen-livingroom only for cooking and watching TV. i come into my room to eat. i cut down the most contact with my roommate and only communicate with the personal if it's necessary. think about it: i haven't slept one single night at home without waking up everytime my roommate is waking up and starts to clean or cook or whatever, at 3AM!!!!! if i want a good nights sleep i have to go somewhere else. so, i haven't been sleeping right in 4,5 months. just imagine what that does to the psyche of a healthy person. and then imagine what it does to mine. x( even my physical condition is suffering because of it. i'm constantly under heavy stress and it makes my sickness worse. i keep having these thoughts of walking around and threatening people with my very real looking gun, every day. i cannot talk to anyone, especially now when even the rest of my trust was blown away. in the meeting today i said nothing, even when i planned to. i just tried to look happy and better, and it was mostly about my medication anyway. and i have no burning need to look for a studying place or so this year. honestly, i don't know if it'll ever be real. i'd like to work someday too, but not with this condition. now we look how the new medication continues to work, i keep the "first aid" antidepressiva propably until the end of summer because i've had a bad depressive period every summer already very long time. after that we will see how the secondary one is working. i'll see my own doctor again in June and go to blood tests.
(the weekend was great, i was happier than in a long time, we were in a party and my whole body still hurts because of that and so much walking yesterday. next week Model Expo. i look forward to it.. :D)
ok, now i'm a bit more calmed. it really helped to let this all out. sorry if it offends someone, especially those who have a crippled in their family. i could found a party for people who hate happy families. in my family everyone is retarded, one way or another. i hate my family. i hate myself too (now less than before though). i've thought about killing us all to end this suffering. i hate it that so called normal happy families all have a feeling they belong together, they defend each other, they support and love each other. i'm immune to love, it's in my gene seed. (no, it's true, i have a gene that makes unable to feel being loved or cared for. we are cold, emotionless, we feel no empathy. if someone strokes me to show their affection i feel nothing. it means nothing to me. plus my skin sensitivity is pretty low and i can even make it lower at times by sheer will power. O.o) the image of a happy family also means nothing to me. it's not real. i see some or maybe most families are somewhat whole and healthy. i don't believe every family is full of losers like us. but it's just something i don't understand. sometimes i like to watch them and my mind starts to wander to things like killing those happy families. at that point i turn away or leave. don't mock me for being this way. too many people do. i can be 100% loyal to my friends, at least as long as i can see they really earn my loyalty, my feelings, my support.
well, now i go back to Youtube to watch more gun videos. bye.