not a lot left

1.5. up and down you turn me..

i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.

i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.

should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)

my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.

i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.

tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.

after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.

well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??

enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.

in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.

Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad