today, 15th May 2011.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.