(1-2PM) thrown back to the year 2000 in one night. and not to those few good memories. everything seems broken again. nightmares in which those who i wan't to be friends with IRL or online turn me down because i freaked them out, there are insects in my sugar bag and i see poor hurt cats who'd need someone to take care of them and i can't do anything. ;_; awake half the night, couldn't get sleep when just crying all the time, then finally the meds worked and i fell asleep, only to wake up to this nightmare again.
one good day in a while and everyone tries to spoil it from me - and they do managed in that. isn't it just good if i at least sometimes (and this year has been hard) in a while feel happy and content? don't need to think about all the problems for a while? can relax and shut off my brain from all the other daily trouble? i'm heavily stressed right now, i need something my mind can rest on. and if i find something like that certain people just feel like they have to "bring me back to reality" or whatever and take me even the tiniest bit of joy. it's not healthy to always dwell on the problems and i don't WANT to do that all the time. they do cause me stress but i don't want to have them on my daily plan.
i have dreams. i hope them to come true one day. i'm not crushing the dreams of other people or critisizing them if they don't clean up or take care of their problems either. so why should someone feel the need to crush my dreams and constantly remind me of the bad things, as if i didn't know by myself how difficult it is in a life like this where nothing is stable?
as soon as i get back the shirt i forgot in his place i'll kick him out of my life, or at least mostly. in my dream he was the one to walk out of my life. he's normally not that sort of person who gets angered easily. he has a lots of calmer attitude than me. but calling me a scared dog who's trying to lurk away of trouble? that i should get my life in order before worrying about bad internet connection or getting a pet? hey, here's nothing going to change! ever. i'll stay unstable the rest of my life. the meds can only even it down a bit, never completely. i have accepted that and i'm doing fine, i take it how it comes as i can't do a thing to avoid it anyway. in good times i want to have fun, relax and enjoy that time. as i know there's a bad time to come which i have to survive, mostly without any help from others. i don't easily accept help from people i don't fully trust. and there are about none of such, and those who try to help of their own initiative usually just don't understand how serious this can get, or they don't know what to do. it's nice they try, though. i listen to my guts when it comes to people i trust. and if it takes a long time to feel easy with someone, or gaining trust, that's a sign it won't work forever. i can't force myself to trust someone. i try to be open and friendly, but i'm constantly afraid to be betrayed and backstabbed by those people. abandoned and turned down. and i'm sorry for everyone who tries to help, but right now i have no-one to fully trust. except my guns. and maybe my laptop..
damn tears still keep flowing out of my eyes. :/ i tell myself to stop whining like a scared dog and move on, but my feelings just won't let go. have no-one to talk to, that's why i'm posting this everywhere. :/