is this love?

this.

this. is. just. wow.

got lost in WH40K again. since a long time. have the Stormraven box standing here next to me. want a drop pod. two or three dreadnoughts with different condition. plus the rest Blood Angels enough to beat my friends Ork army. :D i've always kinda disliked the Sanguinary Guard but guess with a little customizing it'll be ok. i want to create my own "style" and add some individuality to each model. there might be newcomers, and old warriors who have spent decades on the battlefield. their armour is of course in different shape. i like heavy support but thought it might be best to keep it not-so-heavy.

i really dislike Tyranids. xP and meanwhile also Grey Knights. the fact that they are all psykers is intriguing, but i strongly dislike Inquisition, plus their armour looks just too smooth metallic. and then there's this awful Dreadknight. oh my lord.. x[ it just looks like a mecha from some anime. for myself, i like anime a lot and i feel connected to the mechas, but what the hell are they doing here?? it looks totally out of place!! of course i understand some people are pleased by this new chapter, it's new and looks different and maybe cool. but i'm oldskool. i just don't like them. i feel they are guiding Warhammer 40.000 in wrong direction. the Inquisition has throughoutly earned something own, but the whole concept of the Grey Knights being the secret weapon from what no-one knew about and that rubbish.. it makes me feel bad. there are enough stories to tell about the already existing chapters. it would do much better to add new units to them, but i guess they just wanted to try out something totally different. it's ok, i understand, but like i said i'm oldskool. and this is only my opinion and i don't blame anyone for liking this new stuff.

well, looks like at least this late evening helped me to finally relax. Seed did his part too, and adding some extra meds for night. my body is telling me it's in burnout. it's burning extra much energy for even the lightest tasks and i feel often exhausted. have been trying to clean up. still got to wipe dust, clean kitchen and bathroom, but that's going to be all. for tomorrow i have other plans too. i mean today. O.o i want to go see if i can find some cheap sofas, and buy that swimming hall card. and have to buy food. i'm living already the whole week from reserves.

also, i'm happy about my new friend. even when i feel bad for him when he has trouble. i very fast started to care about him. things like this are giving me so much power - to bring my life in order, to survive the bad times. to fight for the future i want to live. :) i still don't trust myself, i'm still that scary kitten hiding under the bed. even when my feeling often is proven to have been right. i should trust my stomach more. it decides who i can trust. i trust this person. i feel connected, and that's a rare feeling, now when i lost the connection to another friend. i feel i don't have anything like that to ANYONE else right now. sorry people. :/ can't help it.

but this is something that helps to heal my soul. i'm nervous, but excited. nervous cause i don't have so much self-confidence i sometimes try to show. excited cause of the new situation, about what this will bring to me. i hope something good. i feel alive. i feel the real me has been woken from the seemingly endless sleep. i want to help people, be their friend, give them something.

i'm sad, afraid people don't accept me. :/ i have my bad times that make me a burden for just anyone. i don't wait for anyone to help me in such situation. i have been forced to go through there alone for so long. i don't know anything else. maybe i refuse help from others of the fear they might push me away when they see how it can be on a really bad day. i don't truly believe they can - or even want to - help. it's again the same thing than before: i don't trust people enough. i'd love to, but being failed and forgotten so often i have to be cautious.

but back to happier things. i'm getting my little cat beginning of July. i'm waiting for him. :) i don't have many possibilities to create places for him, only boxes to make it easier for him to jump around. he can sleep on my bed and i will buy him a nest to sleep, a soft blanket to lay on, closed cat toilet to prevent him scratching the sand out. they love to do that. but mommy doesn't love to clean it up five times a day. also need a scratching tree, some toys and then the rest: sand, meds, special dry food, wet food. his back leg joints are somewhat loose so he needs special treatment. but i love him. for the first time i saw his picture in web i felt some kind of connection to him. like, "that's my cat". in the beginning i had worries i could not take care of a cat like him, but after thinking about it longer - and crying because of him and because no-one likes to take a cat which has some health problem - i decided he will become my cat. i'm ready to spend more money on him than myself. if he likes baltic herring i'll buy him some and cook them. most cats love them. and it's very cheap indeed.

it's always said animals should not be given human food, but the truth is that in almost all animal foods are such things inside that are actually slaughter waste, naturally died animals, mostly in a sickness. things that are not qualified for ANY food production. but animal food manufacturers think animals eat all kinds of rests, so why not something like that. would you eat something like that? no. but you want to feed it your poor pet. also in many dry food is absolutely too much fiber in. for a dog it's even ok, but a cat cannot use it for anything. the evolution has made cat to an animal that gets it's needed liquid out of it's food. it does not usually drink anything. just imagine what happens to it's system when it doesn't get the needed liquid from food. it might look so easy to just give dry food. but you can really injure your pet seriously or even kill it that way. :(

and: cats (and dogs) are NOT vegetarian. they need animal proteine. DO NOT EVER feed them ONLY vegetarian food. DO NOT give them sweets. only a small amount of chocolate can kill a dog.

ok, now i really should go to bed. O.o just eat a couple of crispbread with margarine. there's nothing else and it's not too heavy before going to bed.