14.3. we walk this road together..
/NOTE: there was a previous post before this, but it ended in rants against a certain person, think it was just to release some stress. i might use parts of the post later if there's anything useful./
The Monster of Florence. there's a book called that and is telling the story i just watched a document about. this one, and earlier the morning the story of Guy Georges (serial killer in 90's in Paris).
i know this is not healthy. i should not dwell in this killing stuff, like, watch documents and imagine things, but it just gives me the feeling i'm not alone. O.o the morning dose of medicine still works and suffocates some of the aggression. yesterday night i almost broke. i was going crazy in real big manner, until the pills started to work finally, and holding Seed helped too. i cut my arms and felt no pain at all. a b s o l u t e l y nothing. i used an old blade that's unsharp, and scratched with force but there was no pain and no other feeling either. now they hurt a little, after washing and putting antiseptic cream. but it was strange yesterday. normally i still feel something, a little bit of kinda pain that i don't see as a real pain, or at least i feel how the blade cuts my skin, but yesterday i was totally numb. like my knee.
like nothing could cut through the aggression, to the core, and cause a different feeling inside that brings me off the dangerous track. to see my own blood didn't feel like anything at all. normally i'd have been pleased somehow. only thing i could do was to wait for the meds to work. write down a number of service hotline for women who use or might use violence. bad is, they only have it open at daytime and for me the worst time is in the evening and night. at daytime i'm not so desparate i'd call anywhere. i took the "show mag" off Seed and tried to look inside. i call it that cause it's just for show and only a little bit of BB's fit in. O.o doing that calmed me too. like, u know, playing with toys. heh.
today i cancelled the thing tomorrow, because of the knee. it's better today, but still not ok. i also have to wait a week more with my furniture cause there's no possibility to get a drive this week. that's annoying me the whole day already (now it's half past midday). hope to be able to write more today. have to buy food tomorrow anyway and pay the 300 euro bill.
i lost my nerve on my ex too yesterday. I HATE IT when people DON'T LISTEN and then ask the same things over and over again. he's nice, i think, but he's just as intelligent than the rest of the world population, and that's not really a lot. he'd get better if he put effort on trying to properly communicate. LISTENING is even bigger part of communication than speaking. if you don't listen you'll never know anything about other people, and then you wonder why you are not receiving anything from them. cause you're not taking the time to get it, dumbass.
3:06PM no writing. some conversation and help for my "roommate", she bought today a new computer, her first own one, and she's totally out of practise. i noticed again how easy it were for me to put it up alone. the problem thingy is that i have to explain everything so that even the slowest understand, and many times, and i'm already annoyed by the thought of having to do it. and it makes me cook up really fast if they don't get it by the first explanation. and that's how they're all like. i must say i'm often worried that these people will get real big problems with viruses and spy software, cause they don't know ANYTHING, and they seem so careless. if someone's comp is totally slow and bringing the same error all the time and refusing to make safety updates it makes me go crazy they don't want to even try to repair the problem! too scared of new things? maybe. too scared to break something when trying to repair? but i'd rather risk all i have than let it be slowly destroyed by virus and stuff. and then there are those who are so happy to get internet finally that they just surf into web on their brand new comp BEFORE installing the security software and bringing it up to date. that is the first thing to do when getting a connection, AND securing the connection as well. then they can surf wherever they want to.
well, this is why i don't trust any strangers computers. even those of my friends. at least my parents now have a working firewall and virus defence and it's safe to use my memory stick there. i'm burning for to get my laptop updated. but i still have to wait sometime.
oops, just noticed i forgot to call the sport service thingy. they close at three. ok, then tomorrow. i've started to wonder how long it will take until i'll have to buy new software, like firewall and stuff. and i didn't like it that i couldn't install even that rather small eJay-program here. the C-drive is still half full even when i have moved all i could over to the extern drive. well, and there's no D-drive. so, the rest of my saved money, about 200 euro, will start a new saving round: for a new PC. i want a good one that will last for several years with just a few and small updates in hardware. i know i will have to wait for it maybe til next year. money just disappears somewhere.. x/
that is the reason why i'm not willing to go to Helsinki now. i know i'd buy something, there's a lot of "not needed at this very moment" stuff on my buy-list and if i walk by some certain shops i'd go in for sure, and out with some of those products. :P that would very likely ruin me. i'm very short on money right now.
the good news are that i could get an own apartment sometime between now and 1st of May. it'd take some of the worries away. of course, a lot of paperwork again, but i'll get that done.
15.3. was in first aid and got strong painkillers (even when it actually doesn't hurt at all O-o) against infection and if it doesn't get better til next week have to go again. and a lot of rest and only very light training. heard some strong critic from a person who had to wait long when he was in hurry, about how the health care system has gone backwards (we're living stoneage), and i share that opinion. most people do. but nobody was ready to talk, and i just smiled cause it was my turn next in reception.
paid the bill today so i should get the internet stick soon, i guess. well, i made a great mistake by first moving the money to my account cause that way i only needed to pay the half of transfer fee. and that means i earned those 300 euro from somewhere in this month and am absolutely not getting any help from state if they can prove some of that money was left over for April. so that's about going to hospital..
my head is exploding, i am going crazy every evening and can hardly keep myself under control, have to eat sedatives all the time anyway. and can't afford even asking if it was possible to go to hospital for so long until i get meds that work or until this period is over. well, at least i can still write, and yesterday evening i started watching anime called Gungrave. it's great. the story took hold immediately and i've been thinking about it the whole night and morning and this day. in writing, i have continued the "deep at night" again a little. and started a kinda new sidestory in SP. it's binding it to another story, although this is a trick cause in the past reality those people were not to meet each other until 6 years ago, and both were living a separate timeline until recently. so i just made the other a little newer and those charas are of course younger, and the person from the other story is older compared to the past reality. i'm trying to fit the timelines together layered over each other and that is making some charas younger cause i'm not changing the SP main storyline not so much. that needs them in that certain age. i have written (on paper) past story that is of course changing too, but i try to keep it as little change as possible.
everythin written on computer can be changed cause it's easy to delete and create new, but i'm holding quite stricktly to those story parts that i actually have as fictional diary. cause i can't change THAT. i don't have them in this country and i can't remember everything in them, so there will be things that don't fit, but then again, it's not very likely that the diary itself would ever be published in that form, not edited or censored. so it doesn't really matter.