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March 18, 2011

i place my heart in your hand

16.3. it's been a bit better since yesterday evening when a friend called me. i could talk with someone who understands at least something. and he was not as "scared" as previously when i've talked about being a danger for myself and others. he has, i think, had some precautions against my manic eps. well, who wouldn't? most of the time i don't see the change by myself, only afterwards.

..i was even able to tell him some about my parents, that my mom gets scared and starts to play the "hurt kid whose fault everything is" and my dad gets aggressive and kinda tries to push me over the edge. and i said that sometime he'll get himself killed with that behaviour. AND my friend liked to talk to me one and half hours even when i was saying things like that. O.o we'd like to change parents. his are overly caring and mine are overly ignorant and against medication and doctors etc. like, they're so afraid of them that they don't see how bad my situation is getting.

yesterday evening thought about cutting my arms again, but didn't do, it might have been as much useless than the last time, so i just ended up taking profile photos of me and Seed with the secondary camera on my new phone. one is a pearl, others a little strange, and the quality is _nothing_, but it fits them. i'd need to try new ones with the paper lamp on the floor so that it lightens us and not the wall behind us. O-o

10:06PM after watching some TV. as last CSI NY. it's ok as small portions, but i don't think i'll follow it ever again. it kinda feels so simple compared to CSI Vegas. as Miami too. but Miami has sun.

earlier this evening i was sleeping for about half an hour. first laid on the bed and tried to overcome desparate feelings. then i fell asleep. laying was good for the leg. now i've had it on a small chair in straight position. better than sitting normally. even my feet feel warm. normally they are blue and purple all the time, in summer and winter.

i've been thinking about the hospital again. propably, if there's a chance to get in i'll do it. whatever fighting with my family it might cost. i have to leave my computer, but i'll buy paper and new pens and keep writing. in this condition it'd be possible to stay on the open station, but if they decide i need to be put in the closed one it's that. i'm ok with it. whatever to make it better. today i was only anxious and depressed again but i know the real explosion is just seconds away if i be put in certain situations. right now i feel like crying all the time, but mostly i just can't. nothing comes out. there's just pain. i'm afraid because of this leg, i hate to be not able to move cause in THIS life i have always been able to count on my legs. that they work and bring me where i want to. if this is serious, if i even lose the whole damn leg i don't know what would happen. this really happened in the worst possible time ever.

have to go to sleep or something. i wrote about one page today. at least something. i'd like to continue but can't sit in this position for a long time anymore. i check if any blood comes out, if i feel anything. i'd really like to kill myself right now. cut really deep and take an overdose, just vanish. i don't want to wake up anymore to feel the same pain from morning til evening every day again.

the most perfect silence is when there's no need to speak..

17.3. 9:25PM ..and yet i keep living. senseless. everything loses it's meaning. i'm just tired of all this. only one night separates me from the moment i leave my life in the hands of others. i don't have power to fight anymore.

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