This blog is for fun. Don't take it too seriously.

March 9, 2011

6:30 winter morn, snow keeps falling, silent dawn

8.3. three months after start SP reaches 587KB. it has also come to a point where i should start thinking how to finish it.

i love you til the sky falls down.. really good but a little sad song. cause it seems like my sky has fallen down when it comes to people. 6th week deep depression started yesterday. i've got enough. but it's not turning to a rise yet and i have the fear Thyroxin doesn't help at all and i have to get back to trying all the freaking antidepressiva through again. but it seems there's never an easy way to anything.

the cat came to the table and is laying under the warming lamp on two of my cd's. i took photos too. before Finland moved to energy saving lamps mom gathered years supply of the old lamps and is only using them. they do have a warmer light and it helps to warm the house. i don't like the yellow light so much, it makes me at times feel anxious cause i remember all the bad times from my past. as the latest of course when i was 16-17, deeply depressed and stopped eating. i didn't eat the school meals, no breakfast, nothing after school and only a very little bit of dinner and almost nothing in the evening. nobody at home said anything about it. the nurse at school told i have underweight but that made me feel ok. like, hungering made me to somebody. it gave my life a purpose.

coming back to the lamps, paper lamps do have a warm light even with an energy saving lamp inside, and it's still bright enough to read etc. after a little thinking a while ago i've got now a plan for how to bring SP to an end. there's still a lot to write about, and i think about bringing in an event of another story, to link these two together and to give the other one a proper timeline to work with when i rewrite it sometime in future.

(i might be in big trouble because of this, but i opened the Riesling-bottle of my parents.. :D just for relaxing. my next break will last til Easter, very likely. have to find the same bottle to replace it.)

listening to Nightwish: Dark passion play. was earlier in my bro's room and looked at those bullets. they are damn heavy, at least the biggest that's about 6 cm long. it was normal, but the two smaller had a blue tip, and those three small ones had two blue and one pink, round tip. for what are those? i have no clue. all the colored ones looked somewhat damaged, like, scratched. maybe training ammo? if this sounds stupid i'm sorry but i really have no idea. :P

well, anyway it brought me an idea of something i'd like to make. a necklace with a bullet. just open the "show mag" that Seed has and take some of those empty things out, make a hole in them and hang them on a chain. it'd get me killed if my mom sees it though.. :D ok i admit, i'm obsessed.. :D i changed the wallpaper again yesterday evening to a Marui official photo of P90 i have since 2004. it just looks so sweet! :D

now comes the most beautiful Nightwish song ever: Eva. cold showers on my back. it reminds me of my childhood. the fear. constant fear. feeling sick because of fear. too scared to even cry. panic. hiding everything, lying, doing totally illogical things without being able to explain why. home being my only safe place, and losing the safety of that place when parents started fighting and throwing things. for a ten-year-old it's not good when carpet is pulled from under her feet, left without nothing and no-one to help or trust, fear growing with each day and extreme violent thoughts coming through already at 11. my imagination was my only help. in my world i could forget everything. and i never forget the one dream i had in that time. it was a normal break between lessons and all the kids were out, playing on the schoolyard. in one place was standing a machine gun surrounded by sandbags, like those used in war. there was this guy who told me how to use it. he sat beside me when i killed everyone on the yard. they died and i felt free for the first time in my life. let me be the one whoever brings the night..

..when i look at this photo (wallpaper), all i wanna say is just I LOVE YOU. <3


Jani said...

I'm obviously perverted, but the hints you drop make me hope I get to read more about the evil that corrupted your childhood. Not that it'd do any good to either me or you that you should dwell on it. I guess it's just my innate psychological instinct that wants to get to the roots of any pathology. An engineering mind that wants to know why things work the way they do, what made them the way they are.

ill. said...

that's totally normal, i think.. i've tried to forget everything but seems like all that is controlling my life even now. i thought about this a lot in hospital last summer. the person i used to be, and the change that happened. it's seen in the childhood pictures too. i can't say when it happened, somewhere between 3rd and 6th class, it was the hardest time. i can't even follow back when the violent thoughts started and what brought those pictures in my mind. did they come naturally, or did i see something in tv? i don't know. at some point they just were there, and i've been living with them ever since. there's also a some kind of divided thingy, like to outside i was 100% controlled and calm, never raised my voice, never claimed about anything, and in my head lived a psychopath.

i'm coming back to this when i'm feeling more content and am not this tired. thanks for commenting :)