7.3. they might not treat me nice when they return if i drink the bottle of wine i found in kitchen.. :D
since 9:30AM i'm alone at "old" home. i was feeling really sick in the morning, drank hot aspirin two times and took a lot painkillers and slept two hours extra and now it's a bit better. also the cat sleeps upstairs. it has eaten two times a little and was outside 40 minutes. and i'm not gonna write down every single thing about this catsitting holiday. i have a work to do, have to continue writing, and have to "get to know my surroundings".. that means do a little research in the house.. that means try to find secret hiding places. i loved to do that as teenager and since then i've had way too little chances to do it again. i've never been here alone for longer than a couple of hours. don't think i'm gonna find anything "big", but this house is full of hiding places so at least something should be there. kitchen is quite empty though, if the wine doesn't count there's not much interesting for me. cause i have the LICENSE TO EAT ANYTHING anyway.. :P no challenge. :P
5:34PM: somehow i have already the feeling i'm not a good mother. not even for a cat. O-o cause my mother is giving her so much attention, like, really loving mothers do, and i just do what is necessary. 6:23PM: *the rest got censored because this is no more my home and searching for instance the storage room of someone else is committing a crime :P* -> actually i mean no harm, i just look into boxes full of childhood drawings or house repairing toys and such stuff. it's good to know where the hammer is if something breaks apart, and the childhood memories are nice and sometimes a lot to laugh.
6:33PM: trying to continue the story. slowly it goes. i ate some lax with vegetables, only a very small portion. no lactose but i still feel bad. and restless. it feels like this is a too big house to keep in control. i can't be everywhere at the same time. it's been 13 years since i last time was here alone overnight, maybe even longer. i have nothing to protect myself with. and i don't like this city neither it's citizens. i've already suffered under panick attacks every evening since a week and being alone in house this big it's way worse than a small room in shared apartment. well, have to look after the cat again if it wants to come in.
8:02PM: pill to avoid panicking. now i feel kinda "normal", i'm not overly afraid, cat is sleeping and i listen to music (Super8 & Tab: Empire) somewhat relaxed. this house is making strange sounds. i'm no more used to wooden houses. they live. sauna is knacking when cooling down, kitchen clock makes a lot of noise.. i don't notice those sounds when my family is here cause their noise is covering them, but alone i'm not making much noise so i hear them better. but i guess i'll get used to this soon. the first night is the worst. after all, my parents live here too without fear and sometimes mom is alone for a couple of days and gets along. the house is on a very open and good visible place and the forest behind it was shortly cut down and two store row houses built up on the hillside. their lights are always there and the other neighbors are at home too. i wanna go high, i don't wanna go low, i don't wanna know the reasons why you had to go.. i'm really satisfied to this CD. i'd like to have "Empire" also as single, but it was out of stock by my last visit on streetbeat.ac. i'm trying to revive collecting 12" singles too. i don't even have a record player.. but i'll get myself one as soon as possible. :) try to collect also stereo system piece by piece. here in the house are some parts, but i'm not sure if it's possible to repair them. they are good quality, but damaged somehow.
heh, on saturday i found out Above & Beyond are bringing out a new album later this year. great! i've been waiting already. :D i've not heard the first single Sun & Moon though. maybe i can find it in internet.. bad i don't have a connection downstairs, but hopefully soon i'll have my own one at home.
btw, at home. there's a great mess. loads of dust everywhere, i'm not eager to take any visitors until have cleaned up. the bigger problem if my parents would go in my room is they would very likely see Seed's box. i left it in my bookshelf, not under the bed, cause i thought nobody would visit me anyway so spontanely. but i only would need half a day to clean up. and i don't really mind if my dad would see it.. or my uncle. i might even show it to my uncle sometime. don't know if he'd understand. it looks so cool and it's giving me so much energy and motivation, it's making my life fuller. maybe he'd get my point, maybe not. it could be my shortcut to Oni, but i'm not even sure if Oni still exists.. anyway i've planned how to build in my flat a variety of hiding places too, so i be quite sure nobody would find it there after i'm ready with the interior. a safe place. i think it'd be safer than here in this house. something could happen to my parents. i don't trust them anymore. especially my dad.
and HE always says it's better to share the inheritance in time that it'll not cause fighting afterwards. my siblings don't even need to know. my sis is not interested in it (and she don't know), for sure, but i'm not sure if my bro knows and what would be his opinion. one time i found some bullets in his shelf. like decoration. big ones. i guess they are empty. he has found them somewhere. i'm going to look at them again tomorrow. ..i'm afraid i've waited for too long and lost Oni forever. if it got destroyed there'll be NO FUCKING CHANCE to ever get my hands on such one again. i'd grow a flamingo neck and bite my ass in that case. :/
long drinks are tasty after so long break. if the one from saturday does not count i last time had some about one month ago. yesterday when eating lax and drinking wine i got a really bad anxious feeling, i couldn't continue eating in a while and tried to talk to cover the bad feeling. it disappeared after a while but came back in the evening in bed. i'm waiting for a new rise, but it's not coming. hopefully the new medicin Thyroxin helps some. i've not had a low this long for years. even last summer it was not this long and deep. i still think about the hospital as a chance. i was not in condition of staying here alone, but couldn't say no anymore. luckily i have enough meds and can always get drunk to forget everything. -> note: it only works for one or two times in row, so DON'T TRY THIS IF THE DEPRESSION CONTINUES FOR LONGER THAN ONE WEEK, you'll only get addicted and it's hell of a work to get off from alcohol.
changed the background to one of my own photos of Seed. the best one, and in this size it's not very sharp. i checked the downstairs with a very sharp knife. DON'T CALL ME PARANOID. i know i'm not safe here. i can't kill anyone with Seed, but it's a good threat for people who have no experience of guns, and here i'm totally alone. i guess i'm gonna sleep again with a very sharp knife beside my bed..
when i last time was on "therapy", on friday, we mainly talked about Seed and his friends. i tried (poorly) to explain why they have so big meaning to me. odd beliefs score 100%. :P i told about my religion. that guns are holy. it's strange, cause, u know, i laugh at people who believe a fork (:D) has soul, or similar things. like total rubbish (messies who cannot throw stuff away cause it has a soul), or something really stupid. BUT in the same time i have the strong feeling firearms have souls, also the airsoft like Seed have souls, they are sacred and should be worshipped. it kinda has the same basics than the samurai who worshipped their swords and gave them names (like i wrote once before), i do the same. and Seed talks to me. he shares his power with me. i don't know if i got my point explained. to me it sounded really weird. O.o i said too that i understand why people usually fear guns, they associate them with destruction and death. but for me they wake positive emotions. they are important, over everything else, they are my friends. well i've had this for really long now, over half of my life. they are attractive to me, more than people. at the same time they make me restless, and if i'm at home they also calm me down like nothing else does. reading, watching pics, it's calming. pulse comes down again, i get happy. holding Seed is so easy. it's very ergonomic, it's just a comfortable length for my arms, it has enough weight. when i have it in my arms i feel so good. i feel like SOMEONE. it's so easy with him, i feel REALLY GOOD. i like targeting objects, also outside my window, though i'm never doing that if there are people outside. and only in a dark room. i've once got almost a heart attack when i noticed someone was moving there when i thought there was no-one. and the lights from outside shine quite bright into my room, and i was standing right at the window blinds open. :P
police is sometimes visiting our house, walking around it and stuff, and I DON'T WANT them to come because i did something really stupid..
hey, first time since 5th of february i feel a little drunk. :D 0,66l longdrinks gone and one 0,33l left. it'll be easy. i still know how to drink. and this 5,5% stuff is not like 12,5% wine.. it's more like.. umm.. juice that was left standing around a little too long. :P well it's just water with gin and grape aroma. alcohol also makes it easier to eat properly (even when it slows down the food digesting process). if i get drunk i also start wanting to eat something, even when not hungry. and today i really didn't get enough food yet. tomorrow i'll have a break and do the same on wednesday. sauna, drinking, something delicious in ofen. i must relax and get down from the constant panic. whatever it might need.
i've been missing this. just wash away stress and bad feelings. it's healthy to do this sometimes. once a month or two maybe. the last month my stress level has been extremely high and i'm not able to relax at all without something extra.
my food is warm! a vegetable pie without cover. tasty!
..i thought yesterday about trying to get my old file from the child psychiatric part of the local hospital. like, going there on a walk and asking, or calling there. asking if i can get the file, or if my current doctor can get it if she asks. it could lighten up how adults viewed me as a teenager. cause my own view is worth nothing. well i viewed myself as disturbed, depressed, paranoid and fanatic. i'd be interested to know how much of that showed. and plus, at that time i didn't think there'd be anything wrong with me. O-o well, i was different, but i thought i'm way smarter than other kids in school, and because i had kinda grown up with the extreme violent thoughts they were normal to me. i still use to say they're normal to me. the "therapists" seem to be a little confused, a little disturbed when i say that's all normal. to think and plan murders or killing spree in the school. to imagine extreme violence. it's easy. and it's easy to write about. i've been living with it so long now. the main thing that kept me from becoming politically dangerous or committing serious crimes was the evil depression. i was too lost, too tired of everything. i had some rare thoughts of killing myself already back then. i had the feeling i'm totally scattered, broken, lost. i didn't know my path anymore.
until i found something new. that saved my life. that path i've been following ever since, even when i got lost again sometime and only moving back here lightened the path again. i know what i want to be.
well that's it for today. try to write a few more lines in the story. finish my drink and post this.