This blog is for fun. Don't take it too seriously.

March 22, 2011

my kind pt 1

21.3. the words of Richard Martinez, "The Night Stalker" of California in mid-80's: "I was attracted by killers, crimes and death already at the age of 12 to 13."

so, again i watched one of those.. they just.. give me the feeling i'm not alone. i've said this before. i feel they are my kind. i've felt that since i was 13. my early stories have a lot of violence and by the age of 15 it was extreme. cruel murders, very visual. some had a certain satanic trait. it was for covering the characters real intentions though. they killed (for me, i was on their place in every imagined murder) mainly for fun. NOTE: i write this trying to understand my own head. it's not meant as a threat of any kind neither bragging about what i could do.

since i was a small child i've had strange attacks. i started to cry or had a rage attack out of nowhere and couldn't explain why. the adults always asked why. i just wanted to have my peace, i didn't know why, i didn't understand what happened with me, it was like i stopped being myself and became a total different person. so i lied to have my peace. told bad things about other children who were accused for things they didn't do, and they were angry at me and started to break me piece by piece. it took very long until i finally saw that my actions had things that followed them. that those things could be very negative for me too. i was over 20 already. when growing up i was very reckless, very impulsive and did completely illogical things. i still can't explain them. at those times i felt like i had a strong blockade in my head. i couldn't act normally cause there was something keeping me from doing the right things. i brought myself in trouble and others had to clean up my mess, or some things broke my whole world because of impulsive decicisons that lead to completely being cut out of the social life.

at some time i got depressed and started to cut myself out on my own. i had self control, the only thing i was good at. i could stop eating, and losing weight made me to someone. i've been lost all my life. i've always felt like i was just a half, there was something missing. until i found Seed. he made me complete.

i don't like to put people in "boxes", still i do it with them. well, when i create a character i try to give him a lot of traits, good and bad, make him an individual who does things his way. i don't put anyone in a box. if i create i.e. a paedophile i try to put something good in him too. like he could feel sorry and anxious of what he has done. he might try to kill himself, or start using drugs to keep his thoughts away of children (this actually happened in a story), really suffer. everyone is capable of suffering. me too. but not everyone is capable of feeling empathy.

i have needed to learn empathy. i can show it at times, but i don't really feel it (at least for people). if i hear someone has killed some people i might even be somehow "happy", like, "yay! how many he managed to take with him? ten? oh that's so great!" like today, i had my thumbs up for Richard Martinez, even though i kinda dislike him as a person. everyone who thinks they are overman and protected by some great power or whatever god are.. well.. naive. confidence is good, but only in small portions. most killers get too confident when they are catched. when they still are "working" (killing people) they must keep their senses clear, they must live in constant alert and such situations show what they are truly made of. those who become careless are worth nothing. those who wanna get caught are just miserable. those who are sick in a way i strongly dislike are just crap. they should be shot without a trial. this shows i don't have empathy even for "my kind".

well, for today i only wanted to quote Martinez's words. they make visible what has been inside my head for 19 years. even when in the worst depression period i can still get very strong aggressive attacks. real intensive bloodlust. craving for murder. and unlike when i was a teenager my self control now is very low. if i cross the line anything can happen. anything. the fire in me gives unbelievable strength and i know a bit of human anathomy.. basically, i know how to kill someone. my favorite would be shooting people, but it's very unlikely i'd ever get my hands on a real gun.. O-o but a good knife will do. THIS IS NO THREAT!! this is all just inside my head. i don't know where it originally came from, what woke the bloodlust. i don't know if it was that i lost the home as my only safe place. on that moment our family started breaking apart and as a family we're now in a real miserable state. i don't count my biologic family even as my real family anymore. somehow they might even be a burden. i have the feeling they don't accept me, they are just scared of me. maybe worried, but they have a really really strange way of showing it..

i don't know if this is just my sickness, i only know the demon IS me. it's always been in me, i've tried to fight it knowing i would lose, and finally accepted that I AM the demon. i've always been. somethings there, in my childhood, that i don't know. something has happened to make me this way. or are some people just born evil?

22.3. today was a better day as complete. i spent two hours in Youtube clicking on the Like-button in most vids i watched. some loaded really slow but that was ok too. i was not in a hurry. after 4PM i washed three hours all the dirty clothes and bedclothes. (i only have two sets of them so i must wash them always after i change to have the other one clean whenever i need it.) on thursday i have to wash towels and then i'm done for a while. tomorrow i meet my uncle and he drives me to Ikea to buy furniture, and hopefully to a shop so i can buy the last needed ingredients for this weeks food, that i forgot yesterday.

the eating disorder kicks in again. i really would not have needed this right now. at least the knee is now better. but right now i don't have the needed power to fight for one more thing. i'm too weak, and have no control over eating. whether i eat too much or too little, 50:50. weekend too much, yesterday and today too little. yesterday my dinner (the main meal of the day) was 3,5 small sausages, today just 2. breakfast, something in-between and evening bread are quite normal portions and vary after what the day is going to bring, only dinner is a great problem. and right now i'm losing my appetite totally. nothing tastes good. i'm forcing myself to eat breakfast and the other meals but i have the feeling i cannot do that for long. i start vomiting it out if that goes on. :P

have been thinking about how i will move my stuff to the new apartment in May. i have to pack Seed's box in something. well i have a yellow big cloth.. and that hippie-cloth too. one of them would do. but how to transport it a way that nobody asks what's in it? not possible, unless i take it with other boxes on it and just put them under my bed or something. ...hmmm... O-o i still haven't decided if i let it lay around visible tomorrow. it'd be a risk cause i don't know how my uncle would react if he sees it, on the other side i'm curious to know.. heh. maybe i just push it under my bed.. i cleaned up today, only the white table not really cause i have absolutely no place to put those accessories on it. shelf is full, window sill is full, no spare boxes.

well, we'll see tomorrow. now i go look email and Facebook. bye.


Jani said...

You said you could get a kick out of hearing about a massacre, but do you, on the Internet I mean, actively seek such material? I'm sure you're at least aware that there are entire communities devoted to all things death, murder and bloodshed.

Just to come clean, I do visit such sites sometimes, but it's rare and I mostly just do it out of boredom or when otherwise in need of the jolt.

ill. said...

been there, done that ;)

i used such sites and messageboards a lot in years 2001 and 2002, but i stopped after getting banned cause my opinions seemed too extreme for even those piece of shits. other reason for not seeking that stuff in internet anymore were the disturbing nightmares. i still keep having them every now and then. now i filter very carefully the stuff i let in my head. last summer i made a giant mistake and will suffer from it for years, that was a good lesson too. so, things like rotted things, cannibalism and necrophiles are TABU. sometimes i think i've seen too much and have things in my head i'd like to get rid of. then again i always come back to those things i find .."relaxing".

like those drawings last night. after 6 years break it felt surprisingly good to draw violent stuff. i could let out some of the stress.

Jani said...

I find it interesting that you were disturbed by the dreams despite not being disturbed by the same things while awake. Though I suppose dreams can easily have conjured up much nastier things than what's available online...

(My word verification: 'begic')

ill. said...

oh those word verifications! i used to collect them in the beginning.. :)

i have thought about those things that i find disturbing and it seems they are such ones that are rooted very deep in being a human. the untouchability of death (and graves being something sacred). the basic of human society: not falling against their own (although they DO split in groups that fight each other..), especially not EATING their own or their kind. even most of the animals don't eat their own kind. (?) and things that rot just look disgusting. ><

i have also been able to block the shock effect of most things, and so it comes when my consciousness is shut off: in the dreams. my head is trying to cope from the shock and if i don't let it happen when i'm awake i'll get bad dreams. that also shows why it works to think about the bad and horrible things just before falling asleep, to avoid nightmares. if i'd let myself face the fears awake it would not take over when i sleep. just mostly i'm too scared of facing the horror when awake. :P if i ever have the chance to get therapy it could help..