(1-2PM) thrown back to the year 2000 in one night. and not to those few good memories. everything seems broken again. nightmares in which those who i wan't to be friends with IRL or online turn me down because i freaked them out, there are insects in my sugar bag and i see poor hurt cats who'd need someone to take care of them and i can't do anything. ;_; awake half the night, couldn't get sleep when just crying all the time, then finally the meds worked and i fell asleep, only to wake up to this nightmare again.
one good day in a while and everyone tries to spoil it from me - and they do managed in that. isn't it just good if i at least sometimes (and this year has been hard) in a while feel happy and content? don't need to think about all the problems for a while? can relax and shut off my brain from all the other daily trouble? i'm heavily stressed right now, i need something my mind can rest on. and if i find something like that certain people just feel like they have to "bring me back to reality" or whatever and take me even the tiniest bit of joy. it's not healthy to always dwell on the problems and i don't WANT to do that all the time. they do cause me stress but i don't want to have them on my daily plan.
i have dreams. i hope them to come true one day. i'm not crushing the dreams of other people or critisizing them if they don't clean up or take care of their problems either. so why should someone feel the need to crush my dreams and constantly remind me of the bad things, as if i didn't know by myself how difficult it is in a life like this where nothing is stable?
as soon as i get back the shirt i forgot in his place i'll kick him out of my life, or at least mostly. in my dream he was the one to walk out of my life. he's normally not that sort of person who gets angered easily. he has a lots of calmer attitude than me. but calling me a scared dog who's trying to lurk away of trouble? that i should get my life in order before worrying about bad internet connection or getting a pet? hey, here's nothing going to change! ever. i'll stay unstable the rest of my life. the meds can only even it down a bit, never completely. i have accepted that and i'm doing fine, i take it how it comes as i can't do a thing to avoid it anyway. in good times i want to have fun, relax and enjoy that time. as i know there's a bad time to come which i have to survive, mostly without any help from others. i don't easily accept help from people i don't fully trust. and there are about none of such, and those who try to help of their own initiative usually just don't understand how serious this can get, or they don't know what to do. it's nice they try, though. i listen to my guts when it comes to people i trust. and if it takes a long time to feel easy with someone, or gaining trust, that's a sign it won't work forever. i can't force myself to trust someone. i try to be open and friendly, but i'm constantly afraid to be betrayed and backstabbed by those people. abandoned and turned down. and i'm sorry for everyone who tries to help, but right now i have no-one to fully trust. except my guns. and maybe my laptop..
damn tears still keep flowing out of my eyes. :/ i tell myself to stop whining like a scared dog and move on, but my feelings just won't let go. have no-one to talk to, that's why i'm posting this everywhere. :/
May 24, 2011
May 23, 2011
Fallout 3 & New Vegas fanfic
23.5. guess i wrote some crazy shit last time.. O_o i'm not like that always, so that you know it. it just sometimes hits me. that way of thinking. might sound pretty unrealistic, feet off the ground or something, but it's actually useful. i'm not getting ready for a war.. well, at least i'm not admitting it, you get that over my dead body. :D but just in case.. evil thinking is in my nature. and to be a collector-hunter like people were some 10000 years ago.. ..forgot what i was saying. was not important then.
as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.
Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.
Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.
Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.
that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.
and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.
think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)
if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.
well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!
as i've been watching a lot (and i mean A LOT) of Fallout New Vegas EVIL KARMA videos lately i've finally started to write the fanfic of Fallout that i want to write already long. it's being told by two bad guys, most likely to be my future alter egos in that game, and they do confront my good karma alter ego once or twice. their names are Billy and Cole.
Cole's the older one (i'll skip some game thingys in the story, like with Cole i'll most likely blow up Megaton, as well as with Billy, but in the story Cole just leaves it alone, although he resides in Tenpenny tower as "a rather unpleasant guest" when Mr. Burke is only a youngster just like Cole at that time too. also the story timeline places Cole about 15 years before than Billy (and the normal game era), and Billy doesn't come from vault 101 but from somewhere north from Capital Wasteland, and he leaves his homevault when 16yo and wanders around there and up to northern parts of USA three years and enters Capital Wasteland as 19yo to get back to the game timeline) and more coldhearted than hotblooded. he's the type of a person who shoots first and asks then, but he's not always randomly attacking people. he takes all he can get out of as well Megaton as from the rest of Capital Wasteland. after getting a very bad reputation and a serious drug addiction he leaves to explore New Vegas area to maybe find his fortune there - or at least a place where nobody knows him and tries to shoot him at sight. he makes friends sometimes, only he doesn't like the NCR and the NCR doesn't like him. he tries to stay out of sight and only seeks them out in need. he's dragging trouble behind him that makes most people hostile towards him from the very first meeting. he appears to have quite a problem with some certain people, and he eventually finds them and kills them - what else? those people try to kill him first, what throws us to the original game storyline for a little while. but after getting badly wounded (not buried) he manages to drag himself to a NCR outpost (instead of that little village whatever it was called) which is not particular unfriendly towards him. they heal him and repair his stuff, and he takes a job as a gatekeeper of their HQ tower. he's still there when Billy crosses over and decides to leave while Billy's taking "care" of the rest of the NCR, what was left from him when he entered the outpost.
Billy's the chaotic evil. in person. Cole is planning, Billy just goes into the trouble and fights his way out. he's in a little bit better physical condition as being younger, and he has not taken as much radiation as Cole in his life. he uses chems and alcohol, chems preferred when Cole prefers alcohol, and is addicted as well with no intention of getting healed. he steals everything he can get from everyone. already in his vault he's looting every place to get the most out of it. he's a bad boy already as kid. his family history differs a lot from the game. not going to explain it here. the first thing he finds in Capital Wasteland is Megaton, from which point we follow again the game about all the rest time, except helping Brotherhood of Steel, cause helping others just isn't in his nature. he doesn't need followers. Cole can hire as well Jericho as Clover, from which the latter one is (in the story) just a little girl (was it a girl or boy? i guess girl). he also gets Charon after doing a lot to gain neutral karma (or if positive is needed then that, i'm not sure about this O_o). he eventually gets rid of them. Billy blows up Jericho with Megaton, kills Clover just because he doesn't really like women, but he is a little fanatic about ghouls and helps them in everything that's possible, even when it might sometimes mean gaining good karma. well, everyone hates the feral ghouls though.. and Billy hates humans even more than them. he likes to have fun. a lot. and frauding and murdering is fun. and stealing. he keeps his suite in Tenpenny and goes back there to change his armour and weapons after the quest he's going to follow. so in a way he makes sure he's not getting killed too easy. after getting all thats possible out of Capital Wasteland he heads to Mojave desert as he has heard of all the places he can kill people in and steal stuff. he's also intrigued by the thought of robbing a casino. before he meets Cole he has been in a NCR place, he stole something from them which made the NCR trying to kill him, and to this certain outpost he came to take revenge after getting healed in this village that in the game the character is brought by Victor. after he took all he could get he of course helped the Powder gang to kill the villagers.
Cole takes this pretty well, he's not missing those people even when he has been there and had a nice chat with the old doc. after Billy's gone killing the NCR guys in the tower (Cole gives him the keys and promises to bring the gear he can't carry with him to an old gas station, he also does this) Cole goes after an old NCR scientist called Jameson. this guy has a key to a safe somewhere, and in there's something Cole wants to have. he threatens to kill Jamesons daughter and granddaughter and the old man gives him the key. later when Cole is gone and Billy comes to get rid of the rest of the rangers he lets Jameson live, just telling him to get lost.
that's about it til now. there'll be a lot of places not mentioned in the game, like a place around where Montana used to be that's called The Northern Territory (like that in Canada) which settlers are like a private army which has kept some of the communist points of view. they have good condition weapons, also others than chinese, tons of ammo and fresh food without rads. Billy goes there on one of his tours when he's 17, but those people don't even let him close. he eventually tries to cheat and steal them and they hunt him 100 miles back to south until he manages to hide and they give up.
and so on. i've had this kind of idea for long, like said, but those New Vegas videos finally brought these two guys in my mind. because the story starts when they both have already spent time in Mojave desert, Cole some years and Billy maybe few months, they are telling their stories as memories, as past times, and when finally getting to the beginning - what then, i don't know. O.o this is just the beginning, remember. it's going to grow when given time, and with a lot of breeding. new ideas will come all the time. right now i don't have a PC, i'm waiting to get one to be able to play Fallout 3 finally, i've waited so long..... and i don't have the intention at the moment to buy New Vegas or play it. this might change though. we will see.
think this is a good idea. :) i have something great to begin with and can go as much over the borders as i want. there's a whole new world to explore. isn't this intriguing? want to come with to discover it? :)
if not, goodbye. if yes, stay tuned. can't give a date when it's done (i usually take a lot of time to get anything done, but the most important make progress very fast), nor any information which way it's published. advice, anyone? if i can't cheat anyone to "publish" it, even on a website for fanfic or sort, i'll create a new website for me and put it there, or post it chapter by chapter in a blog. i'm writing it in english that's not my primary language so it will have some failures.
well, now i go check if my internet works a bit better. don't believe it will, but just post this and check mail and sort. bye!
May 21, 2011
urban war
19.5. have i mentioned this before? it's kinda creepy, but for me the outside world is like a battlefield. and the first rule is to always be aware of your surroundings. know the exits, see the dangers in time, plan your route and be able to change it within seconds. you are in charge of everything and your actions determine the next move. other people are mostly civilians or just "objects" of no interest. it might be useful to watch them sometimes just to make sure you know how they act and react to certain events. it's the same than scanning the surroundings with your eyes. keeping your ears sharp, sense the air movements, smell and know where the smell comes from. don't let anything distract you if you are on watchmode. but you also have to be able to move while being in watchmode. move regularly, without catching attention, stay very calm. even if you're not calm inside you have to remember to keep calm to outside. to show nervousity and fear - a no-go. don't let yourself be driven into a corner. that causes problems. i for example have two ways to react when being cornered: attack, or break down. inside a building with an uncomportable encounter with certain people i tend to break down, but outside, on the battlefield i might attack very easily and in an unpredictable way.
when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.
well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!
internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.
21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.
this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)
changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.
yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.
yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.
p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..
p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)
when i'm outside i am constantly putting people in categories. harmless, potential danger, dangerous, unpredictable. i'm cautious. i train my eyes with listening to music pretty loud so all background noise is covered, and i can only trust what i see (or what i can smell in some cases). in low light scenes i rely more on my ears and try to find out where different sounds come from. in a dark forest it's of course more challenging than at home with street lamp shining into living room. O-o also i use my hands and fingers to touch and feel different things to be able to do things in complete darkness. i also use to walk around with my eyes closed, find things, even pour water in a glass without seeing and walk back to other room without spilling the water. i used to do this often in my old home. i knew that place very good. i could go to the basement and get what i wanted and come back up without opening my eyes. right now i still have stuff laying on the floor, so no chance i'm doing that until it's all cleaned up.
well, and if i feel not confident i don't put my sunglasses on. most people do it opposite way. yesterday my selfconfidence was like washed away. none left, and couldn't hide that. put the glasses on after collecting myself. and i even had luck in two things: a really good looking guy, but younger than me, looked at me like someone who's interested. i've not had something like that like since forever. and a bit later i found a perfect, clean, dry, not damaged 5cm long screw with cross end. now that's a luck!
internet has not been working today. i try again now. continue on this later.
21.5. well the net was down whole Thursday. it's still not totally ok cause it still throws me out of sites like Youtube and Facebook. i always have that "keep me signed in" box marked but yet this keeps happening. usually it's maximum 2 hours i can stay logged in. these times it has been max 10 minutes. annoying when writing emails. also my internet connection is breaking down after 3-5 hours but that i'm used to. now it just takes a few more tries to get it back on, occasionally plugging it out and in again.
this going to be short post, i want to get back to one of my favorite things right now: watching Fallout 3 bad karma walkthrough. :D :D :D (already did that about three hours today..)
changed a bit the outlook on my laptop. window color to red, clock color to turquoise, my admin name. did a backup. now i have to do something against my headache.. but it's not because staring at the screen. i do this a lot. i have felt dizzy at times already the whole week, feels like floor is not stable or room is turning around. plus headache always when that comes, and sometimes feeling ill. like now. feel totally sick. :P guess i need sleep. only 8 hours last night (after going to bed around 3AM when sky had started to lighten again) and not having done stretching in a long time. and i haven't slept really well lately. if i take the normal amount meds i don't sleep through and if i take extras i sleep like a stone and am not able to wake up, like don't find the phone when the alarm goes on, not hearing the alarm at all, not being able to move, sleeping in uncomfortable positions and not being able to change that during the night. like, i'm easily sleeping half on Seed cause i leave it where i had it before falling asleep, and not being able to move it away during night. maybe it's stress or something, but i'm not ok. :/ hate it when head is crippled.. well it could also be a weather change. the warm wind from south and especially that which comes over mountains (not possible here, but often the case in my old home) put me down for 1-3 days. it feels just like this. something between stomach flu and migraine.
yesterday was a bit tiring too, although everything went fine. but all the talk, and i got a bit stressed. i'm still not completely recovered from the long depression. it's like those first weeks after mood slowly getting back to the middle, i got tired really easy in social situations.
yeah i stop now and go to bed a bit earlier tonight. so, maybe in two hours. have been breeding some plans for the future, things i could make by myself and also t-shirt designs etc.
p.s. looks like i kinda found out what causes me to feel ill: the infamous hormones. :P it's a three days hell and then it's over. hope it's shorter this time cause i've already had the signs the whole week. :P did yoga and it helped for the pains in shoulders and neck. i'm more relaxed, physically. for mental relaxation i needed some help..
p.p.s. and for the statistics: NO, alaskan bull worms ARE NOT real. xD (at least as far as i know O_o)
May 15, 2011
how was your day? pt 1
today, 15th May 2011.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
wake up around 20 past 12AM after putting off the alarm clock at 10AM and 11AM. get up. take the first morning medicin. slept in my day clothes so no need to change. go to toilet. just toilet, no washing. avoid looking into mirror. check hands. right doesn't look bad, it comes tomorrow. wash left arm with cold water and cream the wounds with antiseptic cream.
go to kitchen. make breakfast (mysli and banana). go to living room, sit down on the only chair in the apartment. eat breakfast and watch NHK World for about an hour. in between take the second morning medicin (around 12:45AM to 1PM). keep watching TV until the meds start to work. then go back to bed. ignore text messages on both phones. sleep til 4PM, get up and sleep sitting and leaning against one arm 50 minutes more. wake up when arm numb. feel refreshed and stand up.
cook noodle soup, go to computer. shut it on. let noodle soup cool down while checking email and Facebook. think "Facebook sucks". eat noodle soup while reading stuff in Facebook and listening to music in Youtube. after meal start watching Call of Duty Black Ops -videos. watch two, then get a dessert, milk-thingy and piece of chocolate. eat them and think you ate too much. watch one more Black Ops -video until getting bored. put the next one on "watch later" list. watch one Crysis 2 -video before getting bored on it too. start watching Fallout 3 with bad karma -videos. keep watching until 7PM. stand up and get the first evening medicin. eat it, go to toilet still avoiding to look into the mirror. randomly answer text messages. continue with Fallout 3.
finish with Fallout 3 at 8:45PM, continue writing this with this information. try to find something interesting to do without going online.
finally find something and start reading. read until feeling ill about it, become restless, quit listening to music and start wandering around. as soon as music stops that voice is back. it's just there. telling me to do things. it was never this bad before. there were voices but on the background, sometimes they were calling me with names or saying nasty things about me, but they never were this threatening. and it keeps going, it doesn't stop until i do what it says. it never gives me peace. i can't hurt myself much more than this anymore. left arm has no free place left, right fist is bruised, has been that for weeks now. first, before this voice appeared, it was a way to get relief from anxiety, the last resort trying to find something that helps when feeling awful. and since that voice is there - Friday - it's been the hell on earth.
after coming back to computer and putting music on it's still there. it just won't get quiet. time keeps passing by. think what else could be done to make it stop. meds don't seem to help. think about cutting my hand with a kitchen knife. that new, very sharp one. think about taking the next bus to hospital. fear the thought of trying to get help. try to handle it on my own. like always.
don't want to die but that thing must get out of my head. if i could cut it out. can't call anyone, there's no-one who could help. think about going out tonight. sitting outside in the cold and freezing until don't feel anything anymore. until that fucking asshole in my head keeps quiet. Ari's there. he's on my desk. he calms me a bit. he's pushing that voice to the background. Seed's at my feet, on teeboxes beside window.
this is getting bad. finish writing, it doesn't help.
May 13, 2011
new try
cause this look mystic disappeared + the post i try again, and if it happens again it's censored. :P
screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.
i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.
at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.
got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...
got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.
screenshot is from IGN.com. my favorite picture. :) if this disappears again i will mod it in a way that makes it not so easy recognisable, but don't have the energy to do it now. will take some time and til that we stick with the old blue background if i can still find it somewhere.
i had started a post here, and continued it today but right now i think of deleting the whole shit. will propably do so too. i'm sick again, just like last weekend. nothing feels good, i don't feel safe here, my insides burn, my mind is breaking apart. hope the meds help, but like the weekend i don't wait much. i don't feel pain. so it's no help also. well, afterwards i feel it, like in my hand when writing, but it's already quite bad so i shouldn't do anything to it anymore. but i can't cut myself right now. going to see my parents in two weeks. no way i'm going there with red stripes.
at least i told them i'm not ok now. rare from me. have been mailing with mom quite a lot this week.
got a feeling there's this time really a voice in my head that's telling me to do things. it's never been that way before. i don't like it. nagging thing that won't leave me in peace. like, it's putting thoughts in my head ...
got interrupted by two neighbors. time to stop. this is getting insane. go watch some Crysis 2 or Black Ops videos.
May 6, 2011
how to NOT use chlorite
6.5. to wash the bathroom floor with chlorite was the worst idea i've had in a long time. xP i DO NOT recommend it to anyone. i'd have needed a gas mask, i breathed it about ten minutes and after that i was sure this is the end. now i have all windows open and have gained back some of my sense of smell. but still everything smells like chlorite. closed the bathroom door because it has own air circulating slit, but don't think it'll help much. have to open it sometime, after it gets better in other rooms. smells like in swimming hall, only a lot stronger. :P i never do that again. i swear. inhaling glue intentionally is nothing compared to this shit.
i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.
on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.
.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.
really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..
i'm tired, very sleepy, and don't know if it's now the side effect or still my "morning" medicin (it's 4PM) that i took some two hours ago and it usually takes long to fade. .. it's more fresh air inside now. i'm sitting directly at balcony door and breathing fresh air and it helps. at least i was smart enough to seek fresh air immediately after i noticed i had breathed too much gas. but if this doesn't get better i have to go to hospital. O_o stupid me.
on moments like these i'm happy my body is used to all kind of chemicals.. it's good luck i didn't pass out.. always read the instructions AND FOLLOW THEM!! again, stupid me.
.. ok, not the washing was the worst idea, the rinsing floor afterwards with HOT WATER was. i hate it when my brain is like swizz cheese. xP cause that was ALSO written on the bottle. and i thought about it when i took the bottle in my hand, but forgot it on the way from entrance to bathroom. now i rinsed it with as cold water as comes out, which is not very cold, twice, and put the air sucking device in kitchen on full power. i also have right now a scarf wrapped on my nose and mouth. and someone from the personal comes in an hour to see if everything is fine.
really, i should think more before i do something, even in basic things like cleaning. i have NEVER used chlorite before. and i have never been in a situation where the floor or something is so dirty i have to use strong chemicals to clean it. well, learning by mistake..
May 1, 2011
not a lot left
1.5. up and down you turn me..
i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.
i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.
should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)
my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.
i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.
tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.
after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.
well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??
enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.
in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.
Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad
i've been thinking about cats. watching cat-videos, cat-pictures, imagine my own cat and how it walks around in my home. when it first time purrs, first time comes to me and let's me stroke it's head. when it comes to me and asks for food. wakes me at night by jumping in my bed and cuddling beside my head.
i'd name my cat Maru. cause it's a cute name, it's close to Marui and half of Maruzen. hmm, was there another reason? i don't know. well, Naruto tv-series had a character called Inumaru (i guess it's written like that). i don't know what "maru" actually means, but "inu" means dog. and, it had Kimimaro (Kimimaru?), that guy who could let bone grow out of any part of his body. i found him somehow sympathetic. he was just used by Orochimaru, like everyone else too who gets near him or believes they can get everything from him. at first i found Orochimaru scary, but now i somehow even like him.. in the beginning of my Naruto-era i read the manga that was at that time not yet published in english, but then someone licensed it and i couldn't download it anymore. years after it came as cut series in german tv. there's A LOT cut out. examples: those guys whose faces were stolen by those guys who were working for Orochimaru, and they were killed, their faces were not shown. Neji has a swastika on his forehead and it was changed to some strange green symbol that doesn't mean anything. no blood is shown or it's made some other color. when Sasuke cuts his leg with his ninja knife to stop shaking when he first time has to encounter Orochimaru (was it this? it's so long ago..) it's not shown and later the blood is erased. the man who promised to protect Inari and his village was captured by the bad guys and his arms were cut off. he had said Inari he'd protect him with his arms, and the arms were cut off. the cut arms are not shown and the moment when Inari sees him that way is almost too short to see. also some events are taken their depth to not raise strong feelings in viewer, like you'd mix Bud Light with water, O_o and when i cried when i was reading the manga the tv-series leaves me just empty.
should go to sleep earlier today, but i won't. have got too little sleep lately, but doesn't matter. nights are mine!! yesterday night i read some my Fallout 3 guide, about Underworld quest. i found it accidentally when looking at other Fallout 3 videos, and saw it end up with getting Charon as follower, and i'm interested in that cause it's something i didn't know until recently. i hate feral ghouls, but the more human ghouls are actually pretty cool. :)
my right hand doesn't look really good. i made it worse today by scratching cause it itches. :P my nurses know why my hands look like that sometimes, but indeed this time only skin got off, nothing else. no bruises, no pain. like i said earlier i didn't feel anything. i watched Pranked on MTV today. it's big fun. :D the most painful pranks are the funniest. like nut shots.. i don't often happen to be watching tv when it comes, have watched very little tv lately. somehow i'd like to have something like "playing with friends" and having fun with them, you know, fun like also playing pranks on them or hurting them. as kid i always wanted to play with boys but they just teased me, and i was too shy anyway. all female friends i ever had i have lost. it's also been easier to build up a friendship with men. i'm just more like them. i like the same things and i'm not offended by sex jokes and kind. and i don't care if my male friends see me naked, they are not interested anyway and if they were - i wouldn't care either. the only thing that makes me hide myself is when i have cut myself and don't want to make them worried or hear their stupid comments or when they yell at me.
i'm listening to finnish pop from nineties. today i was in the forest, freezing and it snowed. drank one glas of champagne, ate my too wet gotten sandwiches with wasabi-tuna-sourcream sauce and salad and tomato. they were good. but the place i found was very beautiful, i'll go there again. i watched, listened and smelled the forest around me and enjoyed it's silence with only sound some birds and wind in the trees. well, and some cars and airplanes. but they are always there, wherever you go here in capital area.
tomorrow evening i should go to eat with dad, my sister and brother. i will take of course again half of the meal with me to eat it on Tuesday. whatever it is, i can't eat all at once. noticed again i have lost weight and fat, on legs. it's strange. i'm not used to this.
after finnish pop i landed to Georg Ots. i remember i have been on a cruise ship named after him. like the music he sings. the soviet "pop" or schlager or whatever you call it is familiar to me from my childhood. my parents liked them and i've heard them often. the melodies are familiar even when i don't always remember the words. they have a melancholy that can't be faked, beauty and are bound with my memories of Soviet Union. i have nothing from the new Russia. i've never been there. i don't like it. people are surficial, those who have money, and those who don't live isolated and nobody asks them what they think. they cling to the new religion freedom, but that's all. i strongly disliked Jeltsin, he acted like politics would be a big joke, and Putin is a dictator and no-one else is any better. even Stalin gets more sympathy from me, and that should tell something.. O_o i still refer to Sankt Petersburg as Leningrad. it's Leningrad for me, and will always be.
well, that's not my political direction, socialism. it's too much like a utopia. i'm liberal, close to liberal anarchy in my heart but officially just for free market and such. if money doesn't move no-one gets fed. Finland should advertise itself, gain trust and respect from big countries like USA, France and Germany (also Russia if it wants to but it's market worth is pretty low), because if it doesn't have that it's impossible to pull in more money. no-one wants to invest here if those pro-isolation fascists get what they want. and where else we should get money from than OUTSIDE??
enough of that, or i get stuck in it and talk about it ten pages long.
in the end i put this song that makes me cry. some might think of it as a criticism for as well the former Russia as the Soviet Union, but i listen to the words and they tell me what i feel. that i have lost something irreplaceable, a place where i felt good, that was almost a home. i don't have many such places in this world.
Leningrad Cowboys: Leningrad
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