14.7. In the middle of the night. This is MY time.
I started watching Army of Two vids. I like that game really a lot. I've played it with a friend on his XBOX 360, but I never really got used to the pad. I just don't understand how it works. All the games I've played before were on PC. Still, we got quite far. First the training where I tried my best to learn the basic controls, but a long time I could not really move smoothly cause of that damn round thing that is used to move on the pad. I always turn it wrong, it feels totally unlogical and I can't turn around and move the camera position at the same time. Then we moved to the point he got stuck with his AI. We got through that point and I found a solution to a problem he didn't get through (propably cause the AI is sometimes a dumbass, and it was somewhat tricky), then we even got to the second last mission or whatever it was, but didn't get through. My friend always had to take my pad to save himself. :P But I played it with my eyes glued to the screen more than three hours without noticing time passing, and when we gave up my both arms were totally numb from sitting in a totally wrong position. Later he tried it with another friend (also a woman but she's playing mostly on PC and is a friend of "brainless shooting games" like my friend always says - but I don't understand what's wrong with them, great way to relax), and it took more than an hour to get through the point where we got stuck. Respawning enemies and not a good place to use aggro. Eventually they finished the game.
Well, I'd like to play that with someone too. With an AI it's always a little stupid cause even in strategy the AI mostly doesn't go where they should go, it's annoying. And in some FPS they start camping and you have to do all the work. But I have right now another problem than the not existing PC. My motorics have lost everyting they once knew. I have played many things with only keyboard (at those times when mouse was not that useful yet), but that's a very long time ago. It's also at least 6 years since I last time played strategy. Damn. And if I don't have a PC I can't train the controls, and if I can't train it's useless to even try fast pace games. I'd die every second. I can follow them with my eyes, I see things those people making those vids don't see. "Shit he missed that box of ammo." "Shit he missed those meds." "Why didn't he notice there was a doctor in the place he just was in, when he always says he desparately needs a doctor?" "Why didn't he check out that or that box?" "If he is looking for a new gun why does he all the time miss those he likes when he's running around?" "And shit he missed that ammo box again." After I started with Crysis 2 some time ago (a long while ago to be exact) I could hardly keep up with the pace. So I quit it for a while. Halo is too fast for me anyway. As game Halo is at all not nearly as interesting than the world around the game. I've seen my friend playing both of them and even he has problems keeping up with that tempo.
Well, I have planned clearly how to start with my training to get better motorics. Cause Second life is not running on my laptop I guess I have to give it up. It has a lag that makes me wish I had Windows 3.11, even that would be faster. So, when I get my PC I first put it together (and I don't want such that "everybody" would buy, I want a somewhat customised one, that fits for my purpose that is 80% playing and 20% photo manipulating. I know it will cost, but I'm ready for that. Still, 600 euro is the highest price), install the security stuff - and I don't want that fucking F-Secure, it's rubbish - and update everything, and I will not have it connected to my laptop as long as I'm using the internet here. My stick would break together every minute if trying to play something online, so I'll have to buy a modem too sometime.
Then, I have Spore. It fits perfectly to train controls like moving around and such. When I'm somewhat done with it I move to Fallout 3. It's my alltime favourite. ^^ And it's not very fast paced. I have a clear plan about what to do in it in the beginning to get the most out of it (and yes, I'm playing it with evil karma). I'm female but I'll play it clearly with male character. Not as vulnerable, takes more hits. The female character can move faster and jump higher but I'm a tank.
After that I can move to those more FPS. And one thing I hate is 3rd person view. Before I always got seasick about that. I've slowly gotten use to that but it's so difficult to figure out what's going on when you only see someone's back. The camera is moving uncontrollable. I have to move my eyes too much in different directions.
I don't think I'll be good in any game for a very long time. But I like them. And when seeing a video I get the strong feeling I really want to play that by myself. This is something I have missed. Long time ago as teenager me and my brother could play the old Wolfenstein on my uncles computer. Our parents didn't like that. I don't know anymore if they ever where there as we played. My mom dislikes just any game nowadays. I guess she'd even hate Farmville, if she'd use Facebook... O_o But that time I got good critic, even when I never finished the game like my brother. He tried it as many times as it took to finish. I just gave up when it got too difficult. Still, I always remember what my uncle said to me: "You are a good killer." ^^ It boosted up my selfconfidence that was extremely low at that time. I have remembered it, and I want to become that again. I could pick targets fast and get them killed and then searched every corner for secrets and treasures. I've always liked to loot everything. Although I got some really bad dreams from that game (not only that, but the rest came from school and my that time very sick and psychotic mind, god I'm happy that's gone). In games I like sniping. It has something that fits my personality. I can wait for hours and it's fun to pick targets from far away and blast their heads off without them noticing where that bullet came from. Well small birds have whispered to me that "no-one" really likes sniping.. Hmmm..
Guess I should go to bed. It's over 2PM.. And pray my holy guardians to give me peace and strength. Also my body temperature is shooting up and down again, that's not a good sign. Bye.
17.7. Late evening: I have been feeling better, so I thought I might be able to take 2 x 40cl energy drink. We will see what effects it has. It could bring me to the same fucking state I was in Thursday, Friday and yesterday. Whatever. I relax with Fallout 3 evil karma videos. It's the only thing that relaxes me right now. Had to cut down medication dose and leave another one completely away. Try to get an appointment to any doctor tomorrow. To get their blessing on my self made changes.
I got a giant problem today that's bringing me in great trouble in August if I don't find a solution very soon. More pressure. More and more pressure all the time. More and more nightmares. More and more tired, depressed, unable to do anything. I'm totally stuck. I take care of Maru, that's all, I don't care about myself anymore.
My blood pressure got measured on Friday and it was too low. Guess it's better now. I try to eat some meal every day. Thought about buying a new mouse for my new computer. I should go into shops and look for PC's, or ask what kind of compilations they could order me and what do they cost. A customised one is saving me from doing all that by myself. Not that I couldn't do that, it's just sometimes annoying to do all the same things over and over again, uninstall shit and install what I want. I don't want any stupid Office for home that costs millions, I can use Open Office etc. I want to have those I need, no useless extras. Can't explain this really. Hope you get the point anyway. Have to buy some programs for it anyway. And a new screen. Am thinking how to arrange my living room so that I don't need to buy a new computer desk. This one has place for one more - if I put the monitor somewhere else that's directly in front of the keyboard that's the only thing despite mouse that can be used on this (cause this is made for laptops) table. The box goes under the table anyway. I get a modem and pull the cable from entrance to here, it makes a straight line when I put this table to opposite position. I also have then more place for my legs.. After that I'll only use the laptop when travelling. I use it right now at least 5 hours every day, mostly more than that. I hate it that the internet connection breaks down every few hours. On daytime it's useless to be online. Late evening and night are much better. All the other users of this network are sleeping. A new modem could cost about 79 euro. That's one price I got when asking from one shop. The next one comes when that guy calls me back this coming week.
Some text messaging. I have started to dislike it. I have started to dislike everything that has to do with my family and previous friends. Don't know if it's just this depression again. I'm just tired of all that talk. I'd like to cut all contact for a while. Guess that's what I'm gonna do now. Keep a break. I have thought about deleting all my forever inactive family members and friends from my messenger list. I'll do it now. I won't be using Facebook (you can't see anything in my profile there anyway) and maybe stop updating blogs. I'd have something to say throughoutly, but I just think no-one's interested. So let it be. I'll be online for sure, but using mostly Youtube and maybe some other sites, I might start using some message boards again. If you got my messenger ID you can find me there. Otherwise, happy rest of July.