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June 28, 2011

burned to ashes

28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.

so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.

before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..

..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(

my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.

if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );

hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.

well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.

"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."

i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/

and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.

:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.

i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.

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