just got an idea: what if this "urban war" thingy is linked to my so called religion? even when that thing is truly weird i'm trying to believe in it. it's how i see things. i also have started (slowly, but now strongly) to really believe in reincarnation. it gives me strength and lessens the fear of dying. when i start counting years i have left to live i can just push them away and think it's not the end, the wheel of karma will turn endlessly, even the death of earth that once will follow doesn't stop it. everything is in constant movement (that's proven), the universum as the life on earth, from everything that dies something new will grow. the souls who die will give birth to new souls. we all have a collective awareness, only most people never see or feel it.
that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.
i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.
so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D
so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)