this world makes me sick. and not only the world. everything. eating, living, interacting. god i hate people.. i hate my life.
youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.
hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)
since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(
thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.
can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.
sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.
"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."
very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.
have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.
but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.
the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?
as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.
yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.
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