28.6. extreme stress leads to extreme burnout.
so it finally came. been waiting four weeks. at least seven weeks of extreme high stresslevel. i can't last forever. this showed already extreme durability. only because i have been in better condition. but yesterday evening it broke all down. been feeling exhausted and extremely tired for long already, need breaks and time for me alone but spending three and half days on midsummer holiday with three people who make me tired and live in stoneage (chauvinistic and very intolerant) didn't leave me much time alone. three hours maybe. last week i had only one half a day. this week i have three days. not enough. i feel awful.
before i have actually only suffered a physical burnout in a manic episode. i know stress makes everything way worse, but couldn't change things. right now i also have extreme money problem. and i feel so awful i couldn't call and try to find out why i'm not getting any. i'm afraid. that makes it extra bad. have to keep going for my cat. it's the most important. have to call tomorrow the city office and ask if i can pay my rent later in July. i should pay on 2nd (4th because the weekend) but it's 516 euro and at that point i only have about 370 euro. i have cat food and cat toilet, scratching tree, carriage, sleeping places and a soft blanket. this week have to go buy special medicine food and medicine. that means: no food for me in at least a month. i buy some anyway on wednesday. i have a seeing test. i desperately need eyeglasses and new sunglasses. i don't have money to buy though. most important is cat - and paying bills. my internet connection and phone contract will be gone in an instant if i can't pay in time. at least i paid already for electricity..
..i feel so tired when i think about all the damn problems. :(
my ex has been here since 19th. he's making me feel really bad. worthless. again someone who points me in the head with my own gun and says "i shoot you". it's such a perfect way to wake up in the morning. \; he has no intention of supporting me in anything. i have to do all the work at home, he just leaves all his rubbish lay around. he thinks he owns my computer just because he bought it for me. if i say i don't let him use it he gets angry really fast.
if i fight back, like i tried to when we were at my parents' on weekend, they use their power together to put me down. like they have the need to show me my place. ASSHOLES. even my mom goes with the flow and agrees with dad and my ex. everything i do or like is worthless and ridiculous, nobody wants to hear anything about it. they only take, and give nothing in return. i don't even have the energy to threaten them by going a little bit insane. just to show what might follow if they push me too far. i'm so tired i can't fight back anymore. just wait for next week when my ex leaves and i have my peace. and wish i never ever have to live together or be dependable of such person. );
hope the medicin i took a while ago helps a little. cause if it doesn't... i already had selfdestructive thoughts the past five days. also on the weekend i had extreme violent and bloody dreams that i haven't seen in a while. extreme. they were nightmares, but i didn't fear in them. mostly i felt nothing, a little despair, something bad moving in my guts. if i told someone exactly how they were those people would ran off screaming. :P dreams caused by stress and being together with people who i cannot trust and who suck all my life energy out of me.
well, in both of those dreams i at least saw the most beautiful airplane in the universe. in following days and similar manner. in first it just circled around treetops, with it's graceful wings moving to catch the wind. in the second flying high and fast for testing purposes, circling between puffy clouds, with two army helicopters watching. and when they noticed so many people saw the beautiful play from the ground they grabbed the wing-plane and speeded away with their turbine-powered machines. and after that, the real bloody horror began. guess i have never seen that much blood in any of my nightmares before. or such extreme destroying of innocent humans' bodies.
"yes, they will do exactly that: look down at you and think you are crazy."
i have slept, not rested. last night a little more with Ari under my pillow. i put it there cause i saw very quickly my ex doesn't like to see me holding it in my hand when sleeping. even when i told him it's calming me down. to that he said it's making him nervous. well, i guess most people think the same.. :/
and something what i saw: my parents are totally afraid someone would come in between me and my ex. they don't accept my other friends because they think they take me away - pull me out of the illusion they live in. damn, i SO wish someone would do EXACTLY that. break the glasbubble for forever. so what if it crushes their dreams, i don't want that to crush MY dreams. seems like i cannot break it by myself. it's been held together by people who totally believe in their illusion and whatever i do they won't let me free, as long as i keep contact with them or my ex. OR: as long as i'm "free prey". they think i belong to them. like always. that makes me angry. and sad because they are so narrowminded. so fixed into what they believed would be the fulfilling of their dreams: me marrying a "perfect" guy and living happily together til the end of time, and never being crazy or causing trouble again, never rebelling against anyone, being a good wife and mother and so on. such a shit. and what that "perfect" life brought me? psychotic depression, suicidal behavior and for short time even alcohol abuse.
:/ i was able to pull myself out of that. with my own willpower. i have gotten weak so many times after that, but no more. and it seems like no-one ever noticed any of my problems. they say i could hide them. of course i did my best in that, but when something is so damn visible people must be either blind or sadists.
i quit here. continue with writing (i was completely distracted from it when damn kids started shooting in the forest with air guns, some 1,5 hours ago, but now i've found my way back to the story) and later warm my rest of pizza.
June 28, 2011
June 14, 2011
relax, take it eeeeeeeeasy
just got an idea: what if this "urban war" thingy is linked to my so called religion? even when that thing is truly weird i'm trying to believe in it. it's how i see things. i also have started (slowly, but now strongly) to really believe in reincarnation. it gives me strength and lessens the fear of dying. when i start counting years i have left to live i can just push them away and think it's not the end, the wheel of karma will turn endlessly, even the death of earth that once will follow doesn't stop it. everything is in constant movement (that's proven), the universum as the life on earth, from everything that dies something new will grow. the souls who die will give birth to new souls. we all have a collective awareness, only most people never see or feel it.
that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.
i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.
so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D
so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)
that about the hinduistic, new age part. that all weapons of destruction are holy bases on other reasons. it's respect for what the humankind has achieved, a way to see beauty in destruction - because it too is following the looping wheel of karma. the circle of life (even artificial) sits so deep in my beliefs that it gives direction to this part too.
i don't personally care for biologic weapons. i feel more comfortable with so called artificial things than bacteries and fungus and gas. i have a strong trauma about gas (the holocaust and nightmares of being trapped in a gas chamber), i don't like to use a gas oven, only do it if necessary. i rather cook things with a camping cooker that works with burning gel. well, it's kinda gas too because it's the gas of that stuff that's burning, but it's in a form that hides it's true nature. but i like to feel stuff. a gun or a sword give the real feeling of doing things. and hunting other living things is rooted deeply in human nature. that should not be forbidden.
so, how i see this is that (thought a lot about hunting bambi last night :P) for me the words urban war have developed to a kind of hunting. i'm not doing it for real. but i'm putting my senses and brain to work AS IF i was hunting. it's a way to develope them to another level, to keep them in shape. modern people have lost the skill to hunt. and with it the training that it gives to ones brain. so, i'm simulating that to train my brain. because i've seen that so called civilised way to do that don't work for me. i don't understand sudoku, but i understand a forest and it's beings. maybe i'm just too simple for the modern world. :D
so, now i've got this topic explained. can relax and open my second cider drink. :)
June 13, 2011
urban war pt 2 "peace of mind"
yeah that won't let me loose.
get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?
i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.
that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o
i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.
this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!
and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?
if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)
it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^
maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)
get the thought all the time when moving out there. at night. i was so tired when coming home this night, i still am, but tried to keep focus and see everything around me. to solve problems fast. if people in the train were confusing me and stressy (those chicks with endless laughter and stupid talk, were drunk for sure, and then that woman drinking her cider and smelling like it even when it's forbidden in train), i moved to somewhere else. had to take taxi home again. all the money for food next week went to that. whatever. i have food in freezer and dried bread and some yoghurt and things to make porridge from. who cares about food anyway?
i don't feel threatened out there at night. i had Ari in my bag but that's not the real reason. with it i can do no damage to anyone. just like to have it with me. you understand? it's.. part of me. i'm happy to have their pics on my phone. showed them my friend. well he kinda still dislikes it but have the feeling he was more relaxed about it this time. didn't show him Ari though. last time he said i shouldn't bring it there again. i take that serious. it was more relaxing wiw him than lately. i rested somehow even when it was a lot physical stress. but his mom even said i've lost weight. nice to hear. and i ate almost nothing again. it was so DAMN hot. i've promised not to complain and try to get along with the heat. i didn't even get sunburn even when spending most of the time outside in full sun. my head didn't burn. it's been a problem last few years. my hair is certainly in better condition. well, on saturday night i woke up with awful sick feeling, hardly got on my feet (medication was changed and night dose is a lot stronger) and stumbled to toilet and puked all drinks out that i had before going to bed. no food in stomach, only two cider and one energy drink. all came out and i kept sitting on the diiirrrrty floor in my friends bathroom forever unable to stand up cause the heavy meds. i'm not used to them yet, could have been one reason, mixed drinks and awful hot weather. first time since forever i slept almost naked. he too. we sleep in the same bed. we could even talk a little about serious stuff this time. i was more awake and happier. and relaxed even when part of it came from sedatives.
that was my weekend. but i don't get that urban war thing out of head. it's not like i'd dream of it all the time. it just keeps nagging in the back of my mind, reminding for what i'm on this earth for. yea it's my goal. i don't care, just tell it now. i've found something i want to fight for. even when not in very good shape i can rely on my muscles, i can rely on myself to keep going in heavy conditions like burning sun, +38 degrees (celsius), almost no water and walking forever or driving bike with only three gears for the first time since a year. O.o
i want to be able to move in forest silently. i'd so like to learn hunting, i don't mind killing animals and i'd like to learn how to take them apart, cutting their meat in pieces etc. and i'd eat it too. hunting with dogs is for sissies.. :P the dogs make all the work. :P i don't mind sitting on one place for the whole day. only endurance needed and it's quite easy to achieve. from my point of view in forest the most important is to not let other things there know you're there. not other people nor the animals. and even when not heard the animals can smell you. "forest clothes" should not be washed too often and it's always good to rub yourself to the ground and/or the fur of the already killed animals. for me it's important to stay invisible. also for other people - or even only because of them. i'm there, but they have no idea. wanna be able to orientate myself in pathless forest in a place that i don't know. pathless forest is fun. all the branches :D where most people just walk over and make awful sound. that can be heard from far away. most of the "wanderers" just don't realise.
this might sound weird yea. :D just don't give a shit. :D this is me too. i don't mind anymore if people come into my place and see my guns. unless they are my parents or siblings... pacifists... i'm not that much different. i don't wish war to ever have to experience in my life, but the point is to keep prepared for ANY situation. i don't want to be helpless. doesn't mean i'd not just watch if someone is being hurt by others. i act rather random in such situations. if there's no danger for me i prefer not to get involved. if there's danger i might side with the attacker. no clue. let the antisocial behavior guide me. it'll tell what's right. at night i mostly just want to have my peace. that might be one reason for keeping Ari with me. i have the moment of surprise and threat on my side, and cause most people can't tell if it's a real gun or not... looks real and is metallic. yea. don't care what you people think about this. think what you wanna think. i regularly think about threatening people with it or Seed. not meaning to actually DO that. i just think about it. almost every day. if i want to kill people i do it in games. ..and wild animals taste a lot better than domesticated ones!!
and the other, better point is to keep my mind stable. i'm doing a lot better now and hope the med changes help me when i get used to them. when i'm working on some certain goal it's easier to focus. it's easier to find peace. for me it's very easy to get the zen-feeling when i'm like holding my guns.. or thinking about what i want to reach. all the disturbing and stressful thoughts go away, i feel at peace. ready to do what's needed. :) do you get my point?
if not it's not that big catastrophy. :) people are different. some might say i'm too focused on some game world, a virtual reality and have no connection to real life. but for me those two are ONE. there's no virtual reality. it's all part of this world around us. not to mean it's all real in a way that you see game characters walking around when you go out, but everything a human creates just mirrors our real life. just think about it for a while. like, when sci-fi authors create aliens they all look pretty much like humans. two legs, two arms, some kind of a head. they represent us. when i was kid or teenager my idols were whether some heros from books or political leaders. or just special people who caught my attention. later came great fighters and they're now replaced with special unit soldiers from wargames. it's always been the same. my mom says i'm very stubborn. :D if i get something in my head i keep going until i get what i want. i might get thrown away from my path after some short time disasters like shock, trauma or a long depressive or instable period. but i get back on my feet. i've survived til now - mostly all alone - and will survive in the future. :)
it's getting morning outside.. O.o stayed awake almost the whole night again. damn. "today" is cleaning day. have to wash laundry once again and the dishes and cook something out of "nothing" and make a kind of thick soup out of rhubarb. don't know how it's called. not a pudding, but similar. love it. ^^
maybe i didn't clear my "vision" of urban war here completely, but hope i made some of my points clear. it's about finding peace. a samurai can't fight if he doesn't feel peace of mind. this stuff helps me a lot to clear my mind of all the crap that makes me stressed. i can let "the force" flow freely. :) and: human mind doesn't know borders. you can reach whatever you want, and if your mind can get there your body can do that aswell. keep these things in mind before calling me a freak. ..not that i'd take that all too heavily, it's just the opinion of some people. each one theirs. have a nice day. :)
June 9, 2011
fuck. you. (nothing personal, no offense)
this world makes me sick. and not only the world. everything. eating, living, interacting. god i hate people.. i hate my life.
youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.
hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)
since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(
thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.
can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.
sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.
"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."
very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.
have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.
but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.
the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?
as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.
yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.
youtube doesn't make me sick, i can relax with videos that interest me, but my head is getting overloaded with everything else, which makes relaxing A LITTLE difficult. i'm tired and the rest of the month will be VERY busy. it's ok if i have time to relax but seems like time's never enough for it. it was a heavy week, got food poisoning on Monday, was 37,5 hours awake (Monday & most of Tuesday) if that little break inbetween doesn't count. today up at 7AM to finally go to blood test. should've been there latest Tuesday. x| tomorrow up at 7AM too, to visit doctor and talk about the current medication and if there are going to be changes now.
hate to be polite and answer every freaking message i get on my phone. most of it is just blablabla. i already was close to burnout last week and had to slow down, and now i just feel like other people don't let me slow down. i'm going to see a friend (yeah the one i was complaining about a while ago. :P) on weekend, he has planned stuff to do and i sure get to see when he's playing Crysis 2 or other games. but please no Formula 1. xP i can't stand sport games. unless that sport is shooting people or monsters. xD (and monsters only is booooooring, just a few monsters and most people, that's what i like..)
since gathering new stress this week my eating problems came back again. whatever i eat it feels like it's too much, but i still eat too much. even small portions. i think i must eat everything. have here on my right a plastic bowl with melting icecream. i think i should bring it back to freezer, and at the same time that i should be able to eat it. i don't need this shit now. but it always comes in situations like this. fuck the eating disorder. x(
thought for some time i could maybe manage to clean up here completely and wash the rest of the dishes (all were dirty and i was eating from kettles cause i was too sick and tired to wash them during the week), to make the last video for the first serie of my new home. i'll be startin a new one when i get the rest of my stuff here. my brain wants to collapse when i think about all that work. it's already mixing up everything that goes in, that i don't know anymore what's real. dreams, games, own thoughts, what i hear from other people or in TV, what i tell to other people - it all get's mixed into a homogenic puree that makes thinking impossible. i need rest. too much communication lately. too much social happenings. too much to do and think.
can't hear anymore people arguing (or read video comments where pre-teens are fighting who's right about something they don't even understand) and don't want to explain anything to anyone. just fuck you if you don't like what i do, or understand it, or whatever. every night i go to sleep i wish i could sleep endlessly, over the summer until it's autumn and weather changes to something i can stand and everyone else gets fucking winter depression and I HAVE MY PEACE. hate moist weather (hot or cold), wounds won't heal, clothes won't dry, food gets bad. and every morning i wake up i wish i could have stayed in the dream, how dark and scary it ever is, it's always better than this breaking apart under too much pressure. i'm too tired to explode this time, absolutely no danger of getting a manic ep. it's just that i'll burn out mentally and physically if this keep going on like this. maybe i should drink more.. to relax. O_o have not been drinking much since i moved back here. no need, no money. on summer it's more fun, if doing it with friends, but it seems i don't have such friends with whom it would really make fun. i can't relax with most of people. can't be myself and talk about stuff i like cause they don't want to know, or understand, or like it at all.
sorry for calling pacifists a bunch of crap in my About me -section.. just sometimes want to tell them to get lost. realised a couple of days ago that i do have a goal in my life. there's something i want to "become". it's more mental thing. it won't have ANY use in my daily life, but i believe it would bring me closer to my ideals. and i'm not going to tell about it to anyone, people would just freak out or call me crazy like they always do. like, they don't get my point. this is something that is bringing my life to balance. my mind to balance. if i learn certain technics to focus, calm down and keep my mind sharp - in any situation - i'm closer to my goal. after being awake 37,5 hours my mind was still sharp and i had full focus, only my body was getting a little tired. i could have kept going for longer, but decided to rest instead. with all the stress with other people it's not so good idea to go to physical limits as well. but one thing i want to be able to do is to keep awake 72 hours with needed focus and physical condition to do what i want to. :) i'll tell you when i get there.
"the only obstacle is quitting." and "there are no shortcuts in life."
very basic asian way of thinking. i have changed my way of thinking and acting lately. i don't try to find shortcuts, not even when walking across the street (at least if i'm not in hurry :P), i walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, i accept the fact that i need time for some things. i need time to get things running right and the everlasting money problem somehow solved. i need time to learn new things and even time to understand and memorize what i've learned. but it has NEVER worked with things i'm not interested into. i can memorize pictures and if someone shows how something is being made. if i only have even the slightest thought that it could be helpful to me sometimes.
have to try to do some training before going to bed. too lazy for yoga though. maybe just that one move for back. some 40 push-ups and stepper for legs. at least that is not making me sick. and now i've kind of finally learned to somewhat accept myself. i see what i am, but also what i can do to make things better.
but, like being stressed and sick of everything wouldn't be enough i also have a great fear in me again. fear of being pushed away. it's the same with EVERYONE i know. if i tell them i want to be alone and not answer their mails or send messages they might say they will leave me in peace for FOREVER. "thanks, but no thanks." "get lost." i fear the word "no". the life has taught me one thing that i don't get rid of: no-one is to trust. it's stupid to believe someone wants to be my friend. at some point they will turn their back to me, forget me or just say NO. i want to belong to something. i have hard time trying to figure out if people mean it good or bad when they say something to me. i don't truly believe anyone would say anything nice to me. :/ and THIS is affecting everythin i say or do and might very well be the reason for some people to avoid me. :/ stupid to complain again. but this is how it is.
the title of "best friend" is open. anyone?
as if. it takes at least six months until i fully trust someone, if at all, and right now i don't trust anyone. cause, if it takes any longer than ten minutes to like someone REALLY A LOT building up trust will not be easy.
yeah, stupid to complain. :P put my muscles to work instead.
June 3, 2011
is this love?
this.
this. is. just. wow.
got lost in WH40K again. since a long time. have the Stormraven box standing here next to me. want a drop pod. two or three dreadnoughts with different condition. plus the rest Blood Angels enough to beat my friends Ork army. :D i've always kinda disliked the Sanguinary Guard but guess with a little customizing it'll be ok. i want to create my own "style" and add some individuality to each model. there might be newcomers, and old warriors who have spent decades on the battlefield. their armour is of course in different shape. i like heavy support but thought it might be best to keep it not-so-heavy.
i really dislike Tyranids. xP and meanwhile also Grey Knights. the fact that they are all psykers is intriguing, but i strongly dislike Inquisition, plus their armour looks just too smooth metallic. and then there's this awful Dreadknight. oh my lord.. x[ it just looks like a mecha from some anime. for myself, i like anime a lot and i feel connected to the mechas, but what the hell are they doing here?? it looks totally out of place!! of course i understand some people are pleased by this new chapter, it's new and looks different and maybe cool. but i'm oldskool. i just don't like them. i feel they are guiding Warhammer 40.000 in wrong direction. the Inquisition has throughoutly earned something own, but the whole concept of the Grey Knights being the secret weapon from what no-one knew about and that rubbish.. it makes me feel bad. there are enough stories to tell about the already existing chapters. it would do much better to add new units to them, but i guess they just wanted to try out something totally different. it's ok, i understand, but like i said i'm oldskool. and this is only my opinion and i don't blame anyone for liking this new stuff.
well, looks like at least this late evening helped me to finally relax. Seed did his part too, and adding some extra meds for night. my body is telling me it's in burnout. it's burning extra much energy for even the lightest tasks and i feel often exhausted. have been trying to clean up. still got to wipe dust, clean kitchen and bathroom, but that's going to be all. for tomorrow i have other plans too. i mean today. O.o i want to go see if i can find some cheap sofas, and buy that swimming hall card. and have to buy food. i'm living already the whole week from reserves.
also, i'm happy about my new friend. even when i feel bad for him when he has trouble. i very fast started to care about him. things like this are giving me so much power - to bring my life in order, to survive the bad times. to fight for the future i want to live. :) i still don't trust myself, i'm still that scary kitten hiding under the bed. even when my feeling often is proven to have been right. i should trust my stomach more. it decides who i can trust. i trust this person. i feel connected, and that's a rare feeling, now when i lost the connection to another friend. i feel i don't have anything like that to ANYONE else right now. sorry people. :/ can't help it.
but this is something that helps to heal my soul. i'm nervous, but excited. nervous cause i don't have so much self-confidence i sometimes try to show. excited cause of the new situation, about what this will bring to me. i hope something good. i feel alive. i feel the real me has been woken from the seemingly endless sleep. i want to help people, be their friend, give them something.
i'm sad, afraid people don't accept me. :/ i have my bad times that make me a burden for just anyone. i don't wait for anyone to help me in such situation. i have been forced to go through there alone for so long. i don't know anything else. maybe i refuse help from others of the fear they might push me away when they see how it can be on a really bad day. i don't truly believe they can - or even want to - help. it's again the same thing than before: i don't trust people enough. i'd love to, but being failed and forgotten so often i have to be cautious.
but back to happier things. i'm getting my little cat beginning of July. i'm waiting for him. :) i don't have many possibilities to create places for him, only boxes to make it easier for him to jump around. he can sleep on my bed and i will buy him a nest to sleep, a soft blanket to lay on, closed cat toilet to prevent him scratching the sand out. they love to do that. but mommy doesn't love to clean it up five times a day. also need a scratching tree, some toys and then the rest: sand, meds, special dry food, wet food. his back leg joints are somewhat loose so he needs special treatment. but i love him. for the first time i saw his picture in web i felt some kind of connection to him. like, "that's my cat". in the beginning i had worries i could not take care of a cat like him, but after thinking about it longer - and crying because of him and because no-one likes to take a cat which has some health problem - i decided he will become my cat. i'm ready to spend more money on him than myself. if he likes baltic herring i'll buy him some and cook them. most cats love them. and it's very cheap indeed.
it's always said animals should not be given human food, but the truth is that in almost all animal foods are such things inside that are actually slaughter waste, naturally died animals, mostly in a sickness. things that are not qualified for ANY food production. but animal food manufacturers think animals eat all kinds of rests, so why not something like that. would you eat something like that? no. but you want to feed it your poor pet. also in many dry food is absolutely too much fiber in. for a dog it's even ok, but a cat cannot use it for anything. the evolution has made cat to an animal that gets it's needed liquid out of it's food. it does not usually drink anything. just imagine what happens to it's system when it doesn't get the needed liquid from food. it might look so easy to just give dry food. but you can really injure your pet seriously or even kill it that way. :(
and: cats (and dogs) are NOT vegetarian. they need animal proteine. DO NOT EVER feed them ONLY vegetarian food. DO NOT give them sweets. only a small amount of chocolate can kill a dog.
ok, now i really should go to bed. O.o just eat a couple of crispbread with margarine. there's nothing else and it's not too heavy before going to bed.
this. is. just. wow.
got lost in WH40K again. since a long time. have the Stormraven box standing here next to me. want a drop pod. two or three dreadnoughts with different condition. plus the rest Blood Angels enough to beat my friends Ork army. :D i've always kinda disliked the Sanguinary Guard but guess with a little customizing it'll be ok. i want to create my own "style" and add some individuality to each model. there might be newcomers, and old warriors who have spent decades on the battlefield. their armour is of course in different shape. i like heavy support but thought it might be best to keep it not-so-heavy.
i really dislike Tyranids. xP and meanwhile also Grey Knights. the fact that they are all psykers is intriguing, but i strongly dislike Inquisition, plus their armour looks just too smooth metallic. and then there's this awful Dreadknight. oh my lord.. x[ it just looks like a mecha from some anime. for myself, i like anime a lot and i feel connected to the mechas, but what the hell are they doing here?? it looks totally out of place!! of course i understand some people are pleased by this new chapter, it's new and looks different and maybe cool. but i'm oldskool. i just don't like them. i feel they are guiding Warhammer 40.000 in wrong direction. the Inquisition has throughoutly earned something own, but the whole concept of the Grey Knights being the secret weapon from what no-one knew about and that rubbish.. it makes me feel bad. there are enough stories to tell about the already existing chapters. it would do much better to add new units to them, but i guess they just wanted to try out something totally different. it's ok, i understand, but like i said i'm oldskool. and this is only my opinion and i don't blame anyone for liking this new stuff.
well, looks like at least this late evening helped me to finally relax. Seed did his part too, and adding some extra meds for night. my body is telling me it's in burnout. it's burning extra much energy for even the lightest tasks and i feel often exhausted. have been trying to clean up. still got to wipe dust, clean kitchen and bathroom, but that's going to be all. for tomorrow i have other plans too. i mean today. O.o i want to go see if i can find some cheap sofas, and buy that swimming hall card. and have to buy food. i'm living already the whole week from reserves.
also, i'm happy about my new friend. even when i feel bad for him when he has trouble. i very fast started to care about him. things like this are giving me so much power - to bring my life in order, to survive the bad times. to fight for the future i want to live. :) i still don't trust myself, i'm still that scary kitten hiding under the bed. even when my feeling often is proven to have been right. i should trust my stomach more. it decides who i can trust. i trust this person. i feel connected, and that's a rare feeling, now when i lost the connection to another friend. i feel i don't have anything like that to ANYONE else right now. sorry people. :/ can't help it.
but this is something that helps to heal my soul. i'm nervous, but excited. nervous cause i don't have so much self-confidence i sometimes try to show. excited cause of the new situation, about what this will bring to me. i hope something good. i feel alive. i feel the real me has been woken from the seemingly endless sleep. i want to help people, be their friend, give them something.
i'm sad, afraid people don't accept me. :/ i have my bad times that make me a burden for just anyone. i don't wait for anyone to help me in such situation. i have been forced to go through there alone for so long. i don't know anything else. maybe i refuse help from others of the fear they might push me away when they see how it can be on a really bad day. i don't truly believe they can - or even want to - help. it's again the same thing than before: i don't trust people enough. i'd love to, but being failed and forgotten so often i have to be cautious.
but back to happier things. i'm getting my little cat beginning of July. i'm waiting for him. :) i don't have many possibilities to create places for him, only boxes to make it easier for him to jump around. he can sleep on my bed and i will buy him a nest to sleep, a soft blanket to lay on, closed cat toilet to prevent him scratching the sand out. they love to do that. but mommy doesn't love to clean it up five times a day. also need a scratching tree, some toys and then the rest: sand, meds, special dry food, wet food. his back leg joints are somewhat loose so he needs special treatment. but i love him. for the first time i saw his picture in web i felt some kind of connection to him. like, "that's my cat". in the beginning i had worries i could not take care of a cat like him, but after thinking about it longer - and crying because of him and because no-one likes to take a cat which has some health problem - i decided he will become my cat. i'm ready to spend more money on him than myself. if he likes baltic herring i'll buy him some and cook them. most cats love them. and it's very cheap indeed.
it's always said animals should not be given human food, but the truth is that in almost all animal foods are such things inside that are actually slaughter waste, naturally died animals, mostly in a sickness. things that are not qualified for ANY food production. but animal food manufacturers think animals eat all kinds of rests, so why not something like that. would you eat something like that? no. but you want to feed it your poor pet. also in many dry food is absolutely too much fiber in. for a dog it's even ok, but a cat cannot use it for anything. the evolution has made cat to an animal that gets it's needed liquid out of it's food. it does not usually drink anything. just imagine what happens to it's system when it doesn't get the needed liquid from food. it might look so easy to just give dry food. but you can really injure your pet seriously or even kill it that way. :(
and: cats (and dogs) are NOT vegetarian. they need animal proteine. DO NOT EVER feed them ONLY vegetarian food. DO NOT give them sweets. only a small amount of chocolate can kill a dog.
ok, now i really should go to bed. O.o just eat a couple of crispbread with margarine. there's nothing else and it's not too heavy before going to bed.
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