5.2. maybe i always knew it. i'm eaten by the darkness, and tainted to the core. but this is no curse. there's another thing that i see as a curse, this is just right. it feels right.
i had a dream last night.. a perfect dream. very personal, but happy, motivating. in the dream there were two people who gave me the feeling of belonging to something, somewhere. and there were lots of Seed's friends.. they were calling for me. the surroundings, a giant supermarket, were totally unrealistic by their size and stuff they were selling. like living animals. cows. and i ended up buying a gun with 2 meters length that i knew would never fit in my flat, but had to have it anyway. O.o well, i was happy with that choice but the closer the dream came to it's end the better i realised the whole thing was not real. it was just a dream. i felt really sad about it.
in the moment of waking i felt anxious, but after that i fell back to sleep and had a couple of stressdreams, before first dad and then mum tried to wake me up, and after they failed they sent their cat, and she first tipped my head with her nose, then licked my hair, and then bit my ear. O_o well, after that i was awake.
the dream stays with me. i wrote it down in my calendar.
today i came back home, with fast train this time. after changing in Pasila to a commuter train i got a very strange, very strong feeling. i must destroy something. break a window, a bus stop glas, paint some shit on a wall.. i had no idea what i should do, just the strong feeling that made me almost go crazy. well, actually it's not a strange feeling. i have it often. but i did not want to stay somewhere, needed to get home fast, to toilet and get rid of carrying the heavy bag all the time.
right now i'm home since short before 9PM (1,5 hours) and the feeling is still there. it's no more that strong. it's turning against myself. or better, it's mixing with the strong need to hurt myself that i've had since monday or so. i've been fighting against it cause i wasn't at home, but now i'll falter.
after coming home, dropping the bag and getting the food out of it and in the fridge, i went to my room, closed the door and took Seed out of his box. calmed me a little. you spin my head right round right round.. ;) whatever happens, he'll be with me. i'm never alone here. i've been thinking kinda lot about him, plus the stupid things that can get me in trouble. those thoughts also trigger the need to hurt myself, when i try to fight them. :P it looks like an endless loop.
(the last three days i had a certain vision every night after going to bed. it's something i'd like to, well, experience some day. nothing's impossible. but it's so damn hard way up there. :P)
the next time i visit my parents will be in the beginning of March. they make a short trip to central Europe and i look after their cat and warm the house with wood. got a short lesson in how to make fire, but have to write down the most important rules cause my short term memory is really short right now. i've heated there as teenager, but even then, with a lot of experience i was really bad at it. i like it, i like the fire, warmth, to watch it burn everything i put into the oven. the flames have something hypnotic about them. ;) watching fire gives a good feeling and i also like that it can destroy just anything. although i'm sometimes afraid my house gets burned down while i'm not at home. like, after i forget to pull the radio cabel off the wall. i don't want to have "killed my home" by accident by myself. :P if i'd ever burn something down it'd be carefully planned. have sometimes made such plans.. but they never became reality.
gotta stop now. battery is almost empty and don't want to load it today. anyway it'S better to go to bed earlier.
6.2. pain in the soul. i can guarantee, with this story ANYONE is in pain. if they don't feel sorry for the victim they do for the killer. this is absolutely negative from beginning to end (not finished yet though) and the beautiful landscapes and atmospheric telling are making it even worse. i've not been able to continue it in a long time. it reminds me of the german summer and how much i liked it, and also the great anxiety i've felt in the past. we maybe don't share the same fate, but i know how this guy is feeling, and i know how to make everyone else feel this way too. the story has a great shock value. it's not fun for me and propably not for any reader either. the working name is "glg", that results from the german name, "gartenlaubengeschichte" and means as much as "the story about garden house", coming from where it begins. til now it has not been shared in any form and i've not tried to find a test reader. i know enough of other people to know most of them are extremely sensitive, especially when it comes to hurting children, in fiction or reality. it's sure kind of evolution thing. to protect their offspring.
..well, the great nature will not use my genes in the following evolution process. it has made sure i won't get offspring, and my kind will not survive. any animal needs a healthy sense of danger to survive. there are other points to this, but i'd need a dictionary and don't have one.
today i cleaned up my room. there are just a few things left to whom i didn't find a place yet. propably i'll just put them on the floor in piles. found the motivation in a TV-show where a messy family was helped out of their chaos. well the rest is only about where to keep my extern hard disc, some medication boxes and magazines i've already read. on the table, i guess, but it's crowded with other stuff. cabels and stuff are in their own box now where they gather no dust and are easily found. and all the material to paint or create postcards are in a pink box.
strange, long time i just hated the color pink. as child i never had any pink clothes or toys or stuff (even if i wanted to). just once indeed. but it actually goes well with black, white and grey. all the other boxes are dark grey. they are all the same kind, just different sizes. and the basic colors in my room are just black, white and grey. and at times purple. but this is not like i'd like to have it, it's just because i'm not allowed to paint walls here, and besides i don't know how long i'll be living here anyway. plus i don't really have much furniture. just bed, couchtable, shelf, two carpets and a ruined TV-table. round tables and chairs are owned by the house. i guess i'll be buying soon a working table, chair and cd-shelf from Ikea. should be able to get them under 400 euro. table costs 299e. then i can keep the computer stuff in one place and all connected and don't have to move them around all the time.
now, time to quit. try to clean up the rest. tomorrow is washing day. one bag orange, one bag grey-black-purple, one bag mixed dark. it's possible to wash them in two hours and the thinnest ones will dry while the others are being washed. we have a good drying room beside the washkitchen in the second house. bye.