14.2. i've become so numb, i can't feel you there..
everything is slipping away. all the people i thought were close, a family, are slipping further away. i feel like i'm losing them. i'm losing everything.
there's no relief for anxiety this time. it's fingers are on my neck and pushing deeper. can't sleep, can't eat cause all the food is making me sick. i take my medicin but it doesn't help. i think even the fucking water has lactose, everything has, even my pills. even lactose-reduced food makes me sick. cheese and stuff. x/ this place is boiling hot and outside is too cold to stay there for long.
physical pain only helps to the mental one. nights are filled with blood, days with freezing my head outside. it's so cold it makes me feel dizzy and cause headache, but it keeps me from feeling bad inside.
the weekend was ..bad. i tried to keep smiling and took too many sedatives to at least look like i'm ok. now i feel like i'm just abused by my friend. "best" friend. best cause i don't have another who'd claim that position. he wanted me to visit, he wanted me to take photos of him and i just do cause i don't care, and he first says i'm too passive, and then pushes me away if i try anything. i know it hurts and breaks my heart but i always try again. even when i know i'll be always treated same way. :/ as long as i don't care and keep smiling and keep laughing everythings ok, i'm not hurt. at least i can keep up the look like i wasn't. and i'm still holding on to him cause there's NOBODY else. there might never be. :/
took some photos today on the walk to the foodshop. not the closest but the one on the other side of the small river that flows close. most photos of snow, the river, and then back home the snow on the yard. in camera they all look totally unsharp. i'll make more later this week. i'd actually have someplace to go on thursday, but i need more time with it. have to call tomorrow and ask if i could move it to next week. i'm totally finished. need time to sleep, even when having great problems sleeping right now. i take the maximum dosis and still won't sleep. not through the night, not resting, i lay on my right arm til it hurts, i wake up every hour to look at the clock.
keeping Seed next to me and having my arm over it calms down, but not totally. it's there, it's neutral. it's not trying to push me to do things i could regret. i think the neutral way is the right way to react to how i feel now. i must find other ways to get out of this. and for all, i should not rely on anyone else cause i know humans break. they are no use. Seed is there, but he shows no emotion. but just being there is helping me cause i know he won't leave me, he'll be there when this is over.
try to give you warning but everyone ignores me. -> this is what i've felt for years. people just ignore straightforward WARNINGS cause THEY DON'T CARE. even about their own life and death. how can they be like that? are they just STUPID or is it in their nature? like lambs, they don't see when it's their time to be slaughtered. until their neck is under the knife nobody takes things seriously.
..time to move to the next cd. i should try to write a bit more. already made a start. but my back is also hurting again. that actually means: no more sitting in the next two weeks. :P reading something would maybe help to cheer up a bit. i actually have three comics i haven't read yet. three and half. i could move one light from livingroom on my bed and read there. that's what i'm going to do. :) first some old (Avaruuden Korkeajännitys) and then some new (Halo graphic novel). both are great.
15.2. the evening was better and i took more photos of Seed. with the paper lamp i had better light and it's very easy to move around. some of them were not good, but mainly because of wrong point of view more than not enough light or shaking hands. well in the camera some look unsharp as the outside photos too, but they might be sharp as well, and i don't need them in very big size. i post some later when have transferred them to computer and maybe done some editing.