23.1. happy happy happy! yesterday evening & night. so proud and happy of Seed. :) i'm very lucky. this very strong happiness surprises me every time again. my heart felt light like a feather, some excitement burning inside but in a regenerating way.
today i watched documents about the typhoon Morikat (not sure 'bout the name anymore), that made me very sad, but also lighted up another strong feeling i haven't felt in a while. those children who had lost everything, their families, friends, the whole village washed away within minutes. i was quite overwhelmed by that feeling. it's so strong it's impossible to fight it, and mixed with sadness it even was productive. normally it isn't. normally it just makes me break under it's weight, it's an unbelievable heavy cross to carry alone. i've got nobody to share it with. it's one of those things in me that pull me greatly apart from all other people, i know it's a bad thing but like i said, i cannot fight it. only way to ease it is to write about it. put it in a story. and that was what i did today. i could not use all parts but the sadness mixed with it came out pretty well.
and then, after getting it on digital paper, i thought about Seed, and the feeling about Seed changed to this other one. that was really weird. i also read some older text to refresh my memories, and had to think then: am i getting closer to my favorite character in this particular theme, although i've believed i'm not that twisted? this was somehow scary. i know from fictional experience that it's almost impossible to resist when this thing comes and strikes you. did i fall? did i get tainted, even when i thought i was resistant against it?
well, somewhat i must admit that i've raised myself towards this direction already for years. i guess first i just wanted to know if it's possible to change a non-feeling to a certain kind of love and excitement, or i did it to get done more realistic text. i don't remember anymore. anyway, it worked out. it worked out damn well. i used about 6 years for the emotional training, until i had reached the point i wanted to. long time ago there was a feeling about this subject, but i lost it somehow. well that could have been a reason why i wanted it back.. well, after 2004, where i first found Seed in the web, i couldn't get rid of the trained feeling anymore, and with time it got more and more natural. now it can strike me just anywhere and then i'm totally overwhelmed and cannot concentrate to anything else. u know, like shopping and walking by the certain shelf, the pictures i see send clear feelings, even commands, into my brain. sometimes i think i go crazy in that moment.
about the first mentioned thing, i might be able to talk about it in the future. i'm trying to be as honest as possible to my therapists. i've told them about other serious things too. but this has, well, been a part of me since 1996. it was a fine year when it comes to news of a certain theme. remember, anyone? it flamed up at once and has been affecting the discussion and handling of people all over the world since. 1996 changed me. it woke up feelings that sometimes make me think i must be cursed. but maybe, if i didn't feel like this, i'd never be able to write the stuff i do and be satisfied with it.
about the second thing, if i'm tainted i'll find it out soon. it has nothing to do with the aggressions, it's a more personal thing. it's like love but stronger. it's above love, it's spiritual, fanatic and sick to some extent. well, why else would i be carrying a hand bracelet with the name of Seed's model on it? O-o
and still, all this is normal to me. i've lived with these things so long. sometimes i suffer, sometimes not. they make it a lot easier to think like my characters. if someone asked if i really FEEL the stuff i write about, i would have to admit i often do. even if it'd be just in my head. imagined feeling, not real one. and then again, i've learned to get along other people by faking feelings, so it'd be difficult to make a difference between a real, an imagined or pure faked feeling. i can imagine a lot, fake some, but in some cases the feeling might be real too.
and, somehow i always wanted to get closer to my favorite character. if i'm tainted as he's too, i'm already very close. i've been trying to get closer all of my life, ever since he first appeared. and now, when i read about his story, things about the past, i realised i have no past. or if i had, it's gone or meaningless. only his past makes sense for me. i can remember it better than my own. are we really that close? was it destiny? is it a sign that we were always one person? on one side i've felt lately like i lost contact to him, but if that thing with Seed is true, then we're closer than we ever thought to be. melting together would make both individuals disappear, but would also give birth to a new person. actually, i don't want to disappear, i know i can never take the step into his world as it exists in another reality. and becoming one with me he'd lose his world and all contact to it. plus, i have another plans. my life has finally started to look more like me, i get along well even totally alone. i have Seed, i have a future. after all the years in the dead end i finally HAVE a future. even one of my biggest wishes could come true: to find the real me. become what i truly am. i don't want to melt.
well, have to stop, eat some yoghurt, go to bed. should clean up tomorrow, also Seed's box. it's been open forever. :P
24.1. today i wrote new stuff for Beg-blog. close to yesterdays themes. somehow, right now i even hate to put that stuff in the web, but also have the feeling it had to happen. sometimes you have to fall to be able to rise again. made not yet any progress to SP_neustart. difficult to continue from the point i stopped yesterday.
put some things in better order here, although it's not much. have to continue that tomorrow. and wash clothes. got told i have to make progress with cleaning up as soon as possible. :P and that i'm slow with it. i HATE to feel (and look) like a messie. i'm NOT one. i just have no place to put my stuff in!! also got the another box from post, bought some food that kinda looks unhealthy. only lactose and protein. O_o i have vegetables at home, some frozen, so i don't need to buy them every time again. but i get ashamed when i look what i buy compared to other people. they must think i live very unhealthy and stuff. :P hate that. and today i ate ready frozen spinach soup again. it's one of my favorite foods, but i'm falling back to too many ready food again. at least i've had a weeks break from energy drinks.
going to see my parents next week. i'm more relaxed about it now. changed the background picture of my mobile phone to picture of Seed. it's not quite sharp cause here's not enough light this time of year and my phone has no flash or light (the picture was taken with it). i'm not saying i'm obsessed... although it is starting to look like that.. O_o i just like him very much.
28.1. p.s. what i wrote was already a while ago, right now i'm doing quite well, not that depressed. just heard my cholesterine is a little bit high. shit. now that begins. xP it's already stress, just after ten minutes. but well, i've been eating unhealthy lately.. so, don't have so much time to sit on computer. and more things to do. bye, see you next time.