all screwed up

18.1. come fly with me.. man i hate ghouls. so it was good some of them were shot into the orbit. :D

i'm slowly getting friends with Fallout New Vegas. really good friends. just missing the freakin' computer now. guess it'll cost about 500 euro if i want a "good one", and if i'm not willing to hunt for it around the whole southern Finland.

today got finally the first of two about 5 kilo boxes my ex is sending me. two outdoor pants, the other one way too small, a hoodie that's more than 10 years old and strongly breaking apart but still my favorite piece of clothing, and an extern 320 GB harddrive. that was needed. my laptop was not made for the amount of data i keep on it, gathered during last year. text, collages, photos. mostly photos. my first attempts with GIMP were not good, i hated it and it hated me, but since i have it on my laptop it somehow works. so maybe it actually didn't like the Linux system i used on summer.. but i still haven't done much with it. still learning, and i had no place to store my works. well, now i have.

also, i got the idea on weekend i could install here the old music making software i have somewhere. really old, and simple. there were newer versions available sometime during last 6 years and i even had one (pirate), but it got lost in the Big Crash where i lost a lot of my data too. after that i gave up. some day i'd like to have a professional music software, like Tractor, or a kind. i like to build up something. like a model, or a track. many small pieces that have a certain way to fit together and build an entity.

yesterday i continued the new project i started on 8th. it's a story that's been frozen for more or less 13 years. i've tried to write it anew, to continue it, everything. and now finally i got a new start to it and have right now 23-24 pages. haven't done anything to it today though. i thought a lot but nothing of it was useable for that. it were more memories of old dreams, and the constant violence that goes on in my head. i need it to write cause i write about it, it feeds my imagination, gives me energy, and eats me from inside. i suffer from the negative effects but to create something is the most important thing. well, to the old dreams, they are all the same: bloody. i can use them in the more personal stories, those that somehow picture my life, in a way, even when they MIGHT strongly look like there CAN'T be anything that has in reality happened to me. in a way, there is. it might be just thoughts and feelings. mostly it's that. but there can be things i have planned to do - sending someone a letter bomb for instance - or things i'd very much like to do - cut someone's throat - but am lacking inner and outer strength to realise. A LOT of my past is bloody. the fine difference between being a serial killer and being a writer is sometimes disappearing. like, i become what i think i am. or could be. or would like to be.

in a way, i must LIVE the lives of all my characters to make them alive. and there are a lot of bad guys among them. i must think like they do. it's easy to get lost in there. sometimes i do. :/ sometimes it starts to interfere with my life so much i go crazy.

like, right now i'm planning a little trip to the nature. i have the feeling i MUST do it to get "release", to get rid of stress and pressure. only, it might even increase the pressure by giving a high dosis of adrenalin, and if someone sees me i have a HUGE problem. cause it wouldn't just be a normal walk in nature. it'd be hunting. a low risk -one though, no loaded battery, no plastic balls, just pointing at people with the empty gun.

yes, i know, even thinking about this is totally insane. :/

for every sane person it would be unthinkable to risk their freedom, even life, in a stupid way like that. but since a year or so my sense of danger has kinda disappeared. i don't feel it anymore. even knowing what COULD follow does not scare me. it has no effect on me. raises no feeling. i've lost a lot of feelings somehow, they've become just ghosts. only strong one is anger. with Seed i've experienced unusual strong happiness, i'm very thankful for that. but instead of danger i feel excitement when it comes to "dangerous" situations. i don't mind a war between me and the world.

it's, like, i'd have returned to that person i used to be as teenager. only, instead of hate as fuel i have only the fire that's burning in my soul. excitement as fuel, or even happiness, euphoria. most of the time i don't feel hate or fear. they might flare up sometimes, if someone is going on my nerves, on a bus, train, meeting. i might cook up with hate so badly i could stab that person - a total stranger - in an instant. normally i'd try to leave the situation, go to another wagon etc. but lately i experienced that i indeed LIKED to feel hate. i liked to be bursting with hate. maybe it has to do with the feelings getting weak. so if there comes a strong one i like it, it makes me feel alive. fear seldom has to do with any everyday situation anymore. it's more absurd, or resulting from shocks litten long time ago and the fear then being shut away. a long time period i was trying my best to stand anything. it resulted in horror nightmares and very strong fear attacks that still affect my life. now i know about what i can stand, and everything beyond i avoid. shock is a normal reaction and it should be suffered to get rid of what caused it.

and more: i'm no more as nervous than as a teenager. i have peace. i can be at peace even outside in the middle of other people. most of time i don't feel being attacked by them. paranoia, even the voices have reduced. they might appear every now or then, but they won't stay long. when looking at that i must say the pills work. even when they don't really even the moods. i still go kinda uncontrolled from down to up and every up ends with burnout that seems the only thing to end it, every euphoria ends with dysforia, and every down is very unstable with suicidal thoughts, extreme tired periods and aggressive behavior.

well, think i watch some TV and then go to bed. tomorrow therapy, we're continueing with the personality trait quiz i made before Christmas. i think it doesn't give a good picture of me, not at all. don't know if that's good or bad. i could easily build up an image of psychopath but guess that would do some harm to my even now hardly existing social life.. O-o although the thought is attractive.. end. 10PM.